My BPD boyfriend's explaination of rages from his perspective...

[connect]

My bf apologised to me after a recent rage and then spoke to me in depth about them to help me understand. I thought it might be of interest to you guys.

He said that when he starts raging that three things can happen:

1) I argue back/justify myself:

This he says is the worst thing I can do. He says he will see all that I am saying as a lie and it will inflame the rage further.

2) I stay with him but remain neutral:

He says that this will maintain his rage at its current level

3) I leave immediately

This is what he would like me to do in a rage. He says its because it releases a pressure from him "one less pressure or thing to think about". I said i could tell him I am going to the shops for a bit and leave. He says not to do this as it would be a lie in his head as he knows I would be going due to the rage and not in fact to go shopping. He would like me to leave for a while and say the rage is the reason.

Interesting as his advice to me is the same as the advice on the boards.

I do validate and calm him down (I noticed he didnt mention this) but I think this only works up to a point. At the tipping point or on a big rage then this doesnt work as he doesnt "hear" me. I assume the above points refer to big rages... .

He said that he feels angry a lot of the time and the rages are when the lid blows off the pot. He says it takes a lot of energy to keep his higher than normal anger down and that is why he gets so exhausted. I had no idea this was the case. a friend here said that mood regulating meds could help this. He says his rages are normally triggered by thinking he is being lied to or someone is witholding things from him. Of course i know there are other triggers (tiredness, stress, holidays etc)

I suggested that rather than manage the rages alone we also look at how he can stop them happening. We arent quite there yet - He thinks his methods work for him (cough cough!) I have spoken to him about PTSD as I thought that a more manly label may help him get evaluated. He did seem open to this and says he will consider a doctors evaluation. He is already diagnosed with depression and anxiety although I believe these two conditions are off shoots of BPD as he doesnt appear depressed often.

Interesting insight... .

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.