Anyones friends think they're crazy for leaving?

[frustrated b/f]

No one sees or even know what goes on behind closed doors. However, I cannot bring myself to convince anyone else this beautiful, seemingly sweet caring successful person is a nightmare to live with. I'm sure they're all whispering and wondering what I did to screw it up, but who cares, I just want to be happy!

[WalrusGumboot]

Unless these associates are close, personal friends or family members who know you inside and out, I would refrain from trying to defend yourself by "demonizing" your ex (as they would take it).  If they suspect you might be the cause, bad-mouthing her would give them the confirmation they are apparently seeking. A simple "it just didn't work out"  should suffice, or "we weren't compatible".

[Surnia]

Yes, it happens sometimes - what people see from outside is not the same like you see in a relationship. And especially with interpersonal disorders... . Its a bit like good old Titanic and the iceberg.

Great you can stand by yourself! 

This is what counts!

[bruceli]

No one sees or even know what goes on behind closed doors. However, I cannot bring myself to convince anyone else this beautiful, seemingly sweet caring successful person is a nightmare to live with. I'm sure they're all whispering and wondering what I did to screw it up, but who cares, I just want to be happy!

My reply to that has always been... . Have them come and stay with us for a week and then judge... .

[frustrated b/f]

I think conning my friends into believing she was the greatest g/f in the history of girlfriends was deliberate on her behalf. When they'd visit, she would be so nice, engaged and attentive to my needs. I remember someone telling me "man you have it all," and it making me so incredibly depressed how all the charades we created had worked so well.

[Mutt]

I have one friend that always thought that she was crazy, he had girlfriends in the past that he suspected that she was bi-polar and said that she had some serious issues. It's very hard to convince to family and friends since the disorder is only seen by the core family and kids. But her actions speak louder than words   I don't waste my time with trying to explain my end of her craziness. But he does think she is crazy for leaving and breaking up the family the way that she did.

[causticdork]

My friends and family adored her.  The only person that ever saw the slightest hint of her craziness was my roommate, but neither one of us was the type to make a scene in front of people, so if we were gonna fight we'd wait until we had privacy.  When I ended things I told them why (she's a compulsive liar, she's been trying to hide a crippling drug addiction, she hasn't had a job in over a year, and she's emotionally unstable) and they all expressed the same sort of mild surprise ("That's a shame, you guys seemed so good together." followed by expressing support and that they were proud of me for having the strength to walk away.

Luckily, my friends and family are close to me and know that I've never been one for histrionics. If anything I downplay any drama because I just don't want to draw attention to it.  When I tell them she lied about almost everything and threw tantrums like a three-year-old, they know I mean it.  Plus she's been getting crazier and crazier since I ended things, and sometimes when she's really trying to push my buttons by sending all sorts of psychotic texts I'll pass the phone over to a friend so they can confirm that I should stay the heck away from her and not respond.  It helps me, because having someone I love look me dead in the eye and tell me to run away and change my number because this chick is out of her mind is always a good reminder that I'm not imagining her mood swings or overreacting to the things she says.  Plus it serves the bonus function of letting my friends see first-hand why I can't ever work things out with her.  The couple of times I've really entertained the thought of trying to work things out I've pictured the reaction my friends would have now that they know how vindictive she is and it's been enough to get me back to sane thinking.

[twester65]

My friends thought I was crazy for staying.

They especially thought I was crazy when we reconciled.

My family didn't get it, but they only saw us a couple of times a year and we were always on our best behavior. I think they finally got it when they saw how devastated I was when he dumped me and after I filled in all the details. Only my Dad doesn't really get it, but he's been married to the same BP for almost 50 years. ":)o you think maybe you'd give him another chance?" "Um, hell no, Dad, but bless your sweet heart for hoping."

[Octoberfest]

I'll echo twester.  My friends, my family, everyone, thought I was crazy for staying as long as I did, because they knew about all of the cheating that my BPDex did.  Not to say that they didn't tell me or that I didn't know, they thought I was especially crazy because I stayed with her and kept reconciling after all of it.

[frustrated b/f]

This sh!t has been a nightmare that only I can see, and it has made me question my own reasonableness. It has resulted in self-doubt, anxiety and the inability to make decisions. I'm so gotdamn angry for allowing this go on for as long as it did! I can't help but feel my own neediness is to blame!

[bruceli]

This sh!t has been a nightmare that only I can see, and it has made me question my own reasonableness. It has resulted in self-doubt, anxiety and the inability to make decisions. I'm so gotdamn angry for allowing this go on for as long as it did! I can't help but feel my own neediness is to blame!

Kind of feel the same as above... . however... . it is because of the belief of... . " suicide and divorce/separation... . permanent solutions to temporary problems... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't worry that you can't convince anybody of the truth. It simply means she did a good job on you. If, like me, you covered up for her it will be harder to convince anyone. In my case, my family was able to see the rages and the smear campaign so they were never fooled. At the end of the day, just be glad you have control of your life and let it go. Better things await.

[ucmeicu2]

No one sees or even know what goes on behind closed doors. However, I cannot bring myself to convince anyone else this beautiful, seemingly sweet caring successful person is a nightmare to live with.

yeah, that's the way it usually goes, b/c they usually only have such crazy behavior around people they love/are most close to.

my best friend of many years told me she would NOT have believed me about how my xBPDgf was, if she hadn't seen it herself eventually.  she could not believe that a woman so beautiful could act so ugly, that someone so soft and feminine could become so hard and violent... .   and well basically that someone that "seemed" pretty normal, kind, caring, compassionate, etc on the outside could be so not-normal on the inside.

my ex, she put a LOT of effort/energy into the image she projected to the world... . like, all love 'n peace; rainbows 'n unicorns.  the true horrible monster she could be was reserved for a very select few, of which i was one.  lucky me.

icu2

[bruceli]

No one sees or even know what goes on behind closed doors. However, I cannot bring myself to convince anyone else this beautiful, seemingly sweet caring successful person is a nightmare to live with.

yeah, that's the way it usually goes, b/c they usually only have such crazy behavior around people they love/are most close to.

my best friend of many years told me she would NOT have believed me about how my xBPDgf was, if she hadn't seen it herself eventually.  she could not believe that a woman so beautiful could act so ugly, that someone so soft and feminine could become so hard and violent... .   and well basically that someone that "seemed" pretty normal, kind, caring, compassionate, etc on the outside could be so not-normal on the inside.

my ex, she put a LOT of effort/energy into the image she projected to the world... . like, all love 'n peace; rainbows 'n unicorns.  the true horrible monster she could be was reserved for a very select few, of which i was one.  lucky me.

icu2

Mine does to... . however, a "cloaking" device needs such a GREAT deal of energy to maintain and eventually the pwPD can not even keep it up around the "OTHERS" like at work and then they self-destruct as mine did.

[GreenMango]

There are perception issues regarding rejection if its BPD.  What you've experienced my have been held close to the vest.

There's also the intimacy triggers where the most dysfunctional behavior is only seen by those close enough or who trigger these fears.

Why care what these others think?  They didn't live through it.

[frustrated b/f]

I share the blame for "Cloaking." We both put on a charade when we entertained and socialized with other folks. Its like we both fed off of the "you are so perfect for each other, you guys seem so happy" type comments and propelled this myth.

The only way I have been able to cope is avoiding my friends, or when I do interact with them, there's this elephant in the room that I avoid talking about (the missing other-half)

[GreenMango]

I hid things too.

Comes back to bit ya doesn't it?

[Aussie0zborn]

Re: Anyones friends think they're crazy for leaving?

No, not one. 

[frustrated b/f]

I hid things too.

Comes back to bit ya doesn't it?

Yes it does, and I feel like I have a huge secret I've been hiding as a result

[GreenMango]

I was encouraged to be honest.  Not openly trash talking, just honest with those closest to me.  It helped.

This kind of dysfuction thrives in darkness - like mold.

Like when families hid their alcholic members problems it creates an opportunity to enable it - nobody is held accountable.  Transparency can be a huge deterrent.

[mitchell16]

all my friends think i was crazy for staying. Or even missing her. BUt her frineds from what i can tell never call her out on her behaviors. they just pacify her. Tell her " i know you did your best to make it work" she has the ability to only tell half of a story to get th reaction she wants. One of our many break ups was over her commnications password, email, cellphone etc. I never checked those things but she had gave them to me and I only knew that she had changed them because she made a big production of telling me she had changed them. This raised my suspcion level because last time that happened it was because she was being contact by an ex and was making plans to meet him. So when this happened it was like i had been there before. When I questioned it she exploded and said she was done I was to suspcious, raged and said she was tired of being accued of things. I never accused just asked her to explian why she had changed her passwords. When she told her friend about it she left out the part that she had done this behavior before which involved cheating.she only told her that I was questioning her changing her password and i was just to suspcious. Of course her girlfriend agreed that was I, that was that just to much to be questioned about . This friend wasnt around when she pulled that last stunt, they wasnt freinds. and this friend doesnt know about all the lies she has been caught in.

So my friends and family dont want her back in my life at all, they are happy that she is gone.