I Had a Pretty Awesome Breakthrough Yesterday

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Most of this week I was feeling down and thinking a lot about my ex. I saw my counselor and had a good session that I wanted to share, just in case it helps someone else in a similar place.

Just a little background first:

- I get these ups and downs. I'd feel good and get hope, but then regress and feel discouraged. Monday night I met my ex for a school function, and had a conversation after that at first seemed healthy and good in the sense that it would help me move on. However the next day I felt even worse and didn't understand why.

- I met an amazing woman a few months ago that was everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Things were wonderful, but I began to feel like something was missing -- a spark, excitement, whatever. It raised doubts in me and I broke things off to give into a "recycle" with my ex that lasted about a week. Since we've been talking. She's become my best friend, and yet that feeling still remains and irks me. Nothing is missing. Everything is great. So why does the prospect not excite me, and why am I not gravitating towards it?

Here's the gist of the questions my counselor and I tackled:


1. Why do I feel down? Especially after feeling so good after talking to my ex?

I assumed because I still love her and miss her, and I still want things to work. Nope. My counselor helped me realize my feelings aren't love. She is like a drug to me because of how she made me feel during our "idealized" periods. Special. One of a kind. A hero. Like a knight in shining armor.

I felt good after our conversation, not for the healthy reasons I thought, but from the "high" I got just from interacting positively with her. The next day was the come down, and it left me feeling withdrawals and wanting another "fix". When I think about it, all of my ups and downs stem from interaction with my ex. Those periods I was able to avoid contact were always my most stable.


2. So, why do I crave that "hero" feeling so much?

Because it's in my nature. I want to be that knight in shining armor that will romantically whisk a woman away to a happy and perfect life. If she's in distress, with the right amount of love and happiness, I can "fix" her. And then she'll be forever grateful and devoted to me.


3. Was it like this with the woman I was seeing?

No. She's such an intelligent, healthy person. She is independent. She is whole. She is my equal in every sense.


4. So why that lack of "spark" I felt was missing?

Because, in a relationship with a healthy, stable partner, there was nothing to fix. There were no fires to put out or crises to shield her from. There was just me and her. Comfortable and calm.

I've never really been in a healthy relationship. All I've ever known is chaos. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Every day unpredictable. Being so used to that, by contrast a healthy relationship feels mundane. Almost boring. Being comfortable and content felt, well, uncomfortable and discontenting.

Without realizing this, I mistook this for actual doubts about her, even though I was never able to point to a single reason that I didn't later feel was complete B.S. My conscious mind was telling me I'm done with the drama. But my subconscious mind was still craving the "excitement", even if was negative and unhealthy.

(Note: Thanks also to Scout99 for planting this seed).


5. Deep down, why do I feel I need to have that "hero" role?

A lot of little reasons come to mind. But the elephant in the room? Insecurity. I'm afraid I will be the boring one, or that I won't have enough to offer to maintain my partner's interest. As much as I considered myself progressive when it comes to relationships, that was my way of having control. My "good deeds" would always keep her grateful and devoted, and feel like she had someone special.

In fact, when in relationships I rarely feel comfortable when I'm not doing more than my fair share -- going above and beyond around the house, paying for things, giving more than I'm receiving, etc. Now I realize, without that, I begin to feel insecure.

And with the nature of BPD, my ex only reinforced this. The more content we were, the more unhappy and disengaged she was. I felt so terrible about myself when she left. Not knowing her disorder I kept thinking, "Am I destined to have this happen because I'm just not fun, interesting, or exciting enough?"


She brought up something else that really hit home. I always wanted to keep the family together, no matter how unhappy I was, for the sake of my daughter. I felt she deserved a happy, intact family, and anything less was letting her down.

She helped me understand that my daughter will be just fine, and negative experiences, if approached properly, will only make her stronger. As a professional, time and time again she sees children who's parents never allowed them to face any adversity. She called them "helicopter parents", always hovering over them ready to solve their problems. Those children are always the worst off -- least adjusted, least independent, and least capable of being normal, functioning adults.


It's only been a day, but things feel different since. I've thought about my ex less. I don't secretly wish I'd get a text from her, or feel the urge to respond when I do.

I think about the other woman more. I feel less conflicted and have fewer reservations and less anxiety. I get to see her tonight and all I can feel is excitement.

And I don't feel sorry for my daughter, or feel that she's somehow missing out on the life she deserves. I don't feel this underlying need to rush to find another partner to "simulate" the intact family she used to have.

She also explained to me how to handle situations where my feelings for my ex arise again, as they inevitably will. First off, don't be discouraged, it's normal. Just recognize them, and use the above to realize what they are and where they are coming from. This puts some distance between myself and those feelings, and makes them easier to manage.

And lastly, this goes without saying, but no more dinners or personal interactions with my ex, no matter how innocent they seem. I need to be strict about keeping communication to a minimum, "business-like", and only when they involve our daughter.

[beaniemonk]

Most of this week I was feeling down and thinking a lot about my ex. I saw my counselor and had a good session that I wanted to share, just in case it helps someone else in a similar place.

Just a little background first:

- I get these ups and downs. I'd feel good and get hope, but then regress and feel discouraged. Monday night I met my ex for a school function, and had a conversation after that at first seemed healthy and good in the sense that it would help me move on. However the next day I felt even worse and didn't understand why.

- I met an amazing woman a few months ago that was everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Things were wonderful, but I began to feel like something was missing -- a spark, excitement, whatever. It raised doubts in me and I broke things off to give into a "recycle" with my ex that lasted about a week. Since we've been talking. She's become my best friend, and yet that feeling still remains and irks me. Nothing is missing. Everything is great. So why does the prospect not excite me, and why am I not gravitating towards it?

Here's the gist of the questions my counselor and I tackled:


1. Why do I feel down? Especially after feeling so good after talking to my ex?

I assumed because I still love her and miss her, and I still want things to work. Nope. My counselor helped me realize my feelings aren't love. She is like a drug to me because of how she made me feel during our "idealized" periods. Special. One of a kind. A hero. Like a knight in shining armor.

I felt good after our conversation, not for the healthy reasons I thought, but from the "high" I got just from interacting positively with her. The next day was the come down, and it left me feeling withdrawals and wanting another "fix". When I think about it, all of my ups and downs stem from interaction with my ex. Those periods I was able to avoid contact were always my most stable.


2. So, why do I crave that "hero" feeling so much?

Because it's in my nature. I want to be that knight in shining armor that will romantically whisk a woman away to a happy and perfect life. If she's in distress, with the right amount of love and happiness, I can "fix" her. And then she'll be forever grateful and devoted to me.


3. Was it like this with the woman I was seeing?

No. She's such an intelligent, healthy person. She is independent. She is whole. She is my equal in every sense.


4. So why that lack of "spark" I felt was missing?

Because, in a relationship with a healthy, stable partner, there was nothing to fix. There were no fires to put out or crises to shield her from. There was just me and her. Comfortable and calm.

I've never really been in a healthy relationship. All I've ever known is chaos. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Every day unpredictable. Being so used to that, by contrast a healthy relationship feels mundane. Almost boring. Being comfortable and content felt, well, uncomfortable and discontenting.

Without realizing this, I mistook this for actual doubts about her, even though I was never able to point to a single reason that I didn't later feel was complete B.S. My conscious mind was telling me I'm done with the drama. But my subconscious mind was still craving the "excitement", even if was negative and unhealthy.

(Note: Thanks also to Scout99 for planting this seed).


5. Deep down, why do I feel I need to have that "hero" role?

A lot of little reasons come to mind. But the elephant in the room? Insecurity. I'm afraid I will be the boring one, or that I won't have enough to offer to maintain my partner's interest. As much as I considered myself progressive when it comes to relationships, that was my way of having control. My "good deeds" would always keep her grateful and devoted, and feel like she had someone special.

In fact, when in relationships I rarely feel comfortable when I'm not doing more than my fair share -- going above and beyond around the house, paying for things, giving more than I'm receiving, etc. Now I realize, without that, I begin to feel insecure.

And with the nature of BPD, my ex only reinforced this. The more content we were, the more unhappy and disengaged she was. I felt so terrible about myself when she left. Not knowing her disorder I kept thinking, "Am I destined to have this happen because I'm just not fun, interesting, or exciting enough?"


She brought up something else that really hit home. I always wanted to keep the family together, no matter how unhappy I was, for the sake of my daughter. I felt she deserved a happy, intact family, and anything less was letting her down.

She helped me understand that my daughter will be just fine, and negative experiences, if approached properly, will only make her stronger. As a professional, time and time again she sees children who's parents never allowed them to face any adversity. She called them "helicopter parents", always hovering over them ready to solve their problems. Those children are always the worst off -- least adjusted, least independent, and least capable of being normal, functioning adults.


It's only been a day, but things feel different since. I've thought about my ex less. I don't secretly wish I'd get a text from her, or feel the urge to respond when I do.

I think about the other woman more. I feel less conflicted and have fewer reservations and less anxiety. I get to see her tonight and all I can feel is excitement.

And I don't feel sorry for my daughter, or feel that she's somehow missing out on the life she deserves. I don't feel this underlying need to rush to find another partner to "simulate" the intact family she used to have.

She also explained to me how to handle situations where my feelings for my ex arise again, as they inevitably will. First off, don't be discouraged, it's normal. Just recognize them, and use the above to realize what they are and where they are coming from. This puts some distance between myself and those feelings, and makes them easier to manage.

And lastly, this goes without saying, but no more dinners or personal interactions with my ex, no matter how innocent they seem. I need to be strict about keeping communication to a minimum, "business-like", and only when they involve our daughter.

[Learning_curve74]

That was a good read! Thanks for sharing. And good luck in moving forward, sounds like you have discovered a lot about yourself!

[snappafcw]

Thank you for the post Beaniemonk you hit the nail on the head with every issue I have. I think your post will really help a lot of people

[Spartan999]

Fantastic  Post !    Comments forthcoming

[heartandwhole]

beanimonk,

What an inspiring post, thank you for sharing.  It gives me hope for a content and drama-free relationship in the future.

You're right, this is an awesome breakthrough.  Good things are coming your way!