What makes our reaction to breaking up with a BPD really any different.. . .

[drv3006]

than breaking up with someone without BPD.   We hurt, we cry, we miss them.   I have decided, for me of course, two things about this BPD relatoinship and myself.  1)  the  felling of how dare he get away with putting me through all that, I have also felt that way with other past breakups.  Others have cheated on me, lied to me, hit me, or taken advantage of me in some way shape or form and not BPD.   2) The nagging that it was something I did and if I could only do something different.  Which by the way also occurs with me and  breakups with other nonBPDs.  It all boils down to my behavior and my actions.  Which by the way my emotions are just as frustrating as a BPD's are frustrating (well maybe not as intense)  I cannot look at people with BPD as the "crazy" no way out, kinda of people anymore.   It just doesn't seem right.   I also don't have to hang with them either.   There comes a time were I either have to accept that person just how they are (meaning I can't control anything about them) and then see if I, me as a person, can handle that.   If I can't I must go.   It is getting more clear to me everyday that its not their behavior, actions and emotions I need to be concerned about but mine.  I just was thinking about my past relationships and you know what.  I felt the same saddness, the same loneliness, the same urge to call, the same urge to run, the same.  Just different circumstances.   Does that make any sense.   Don't get me wrong.  They do some overthe top crazy stuff.  A lot unfortgivable sometimes.  I don't know I was just thinking I guess.

[talithacumi]

Hmmm. I was just thinking about this last night.

One of the things that makes this breakup different from the others I've experienced was the way my uxpwBPD projected and was otherwise able to make me feel like I'd finally met someone who seemed to really accept, like, and be genuinely interested in me as a person enough for me to trust, feel comfortable, and want to share all the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, desires, hopes, and fears I'd always had but kept safe hidden inside before.

He presented himself as the true friend/soulmate my magically wishful sad little lonely child had always so desperately needed, wanted, been looking for, and dreamed one day of being useful/good enough to find in this world.

He was my dream come true.

Only it turns out he wasn't. He was just projecting/pretending to accept, like, and be genuinely interested in me as a person. What he really related to, liked, and found interesting about me was exactly what I projected: my utility.

I saw and presented myself to the world in terms of my use/usefulness.

As someone who existed, was willing/able, based their identity on, and found the most profound sense of achievement/satisfaction/security in being of use to/used by others to meet their needs, desires, expectations, and demands regardless of how obviously immediate, transitory, petty, selfish, impulsive, irrational, reckless, dangerous, and otherwise ill-advised any of those things were.

As someone who not only didn't, but actually couldn't, see themselves as having any value as a human being other than that to anyone else either.

No surprise, under the circumstances, that I attracted someone who was looking - however unconsciously motivated/compelled by the nature of their disorder - precisely for someone to use.

Nor is it a surprise, given the way that disorder works, that I'd attract someone - however unconsciously intended - willing/able to project/pretend to be whoever I needed/wanted them to be so I'd be more than happy - in fact, quite eager, as it turns out - to let them use me in whatever way they needed/wanted for as long as they needed/wanted as well.

What makes this breakup so different for me is that, for the very first time in my life, I believed and was actively/constantly encouraged to believe I'd found/met someone who really truly accepted, liked, and was interested in me as a person so opened myself up to him in ways I never had before and, thus, felt more betrayed/like I'd lost more of my secret special self when he ended up dumping me as abruptly/harshly, and moving on as quickly/completely as he did in the end.

What makes this breakup so different is that there was more of "me" invested in, and dependent on it for the kind of validation I'd grown up never having, and always needing/wanting/looking for.

Believing/being made to believe I'd found, had for over 12 years, and would have that for the rest of my life - then having to face the undeniable fact when the relationship ended that I'd merely been/allowed myself to be duped into believing those things - made that ending itself one of the worst I've ever experienced - an experience compounded by the equally undeniable fact that believing such a thing to be true when it actually wasn't hurt much, much, much more than not ever believing it was true at all.

Dealing with both of those things together post breakup - at the same time as dealing with all the inconsistent, contradictory, confusing, deceitful, manipulative, inconsiderate, insensitive, irrational, self-serving, dysregulated, disordered, and other initially inexplicable behavior that is de rigeur for a pwBPD in these situations - at the same time as dealing with the effects of the smear campaign that seems to accompany any breakup for a pwBPD to some extent - at the same time (in my case) as dealing with the harassment/threats/stalking to which I and my grown children/family/friends were subjected by him and/or the woman he'd ended our relationship to be with) - at the same time as dealing with the logistical, practical, financial, social, and other tangible challenges/problems created by the physical breakup itself ... . well, I think you get my point ... . it's all just exponentially bigger, more complex/complicated/confusing, and more overwhelming than any other breakup I've ever been through in large part because my ex is a borderline.

Also, it's probably worth mentioning, that in my case, knowing now how I see/present myself to others, I can look back at the other relationships I've had and recognize that ALL of my partners displayed traits of one personality disorder or another - generally NPD, BPD, or a combination thereof - and, yes, like you, I've gone through similar contradictory feelings/experiences post breakup with each of them. But only similar. NOT identical. It's not just that the circumstances were different. It's WHY they were different, and they were different because my most recent ex has BPD. I don't think any one of my other partners however narcissistic/emotionally unavailable, met the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder. I'm pretty sure none of them ever actually pretended to accept/like/be anymore interested in me as a person than they really were. And I know for a fact that, because they didn't do that, I NEVER opened myself up to any of them in the way I did with my uxpwBPD.

I guess what I'm saying is don't minimize, dismiss, or sell the disorder short. It makes a huge difference on how the breakup plays out on every level.

Which is probably why you're here and asking this question/visiting this issue in the first place.

It is what it is. It just takes more time to work through it/feel okay again than most of us - including myself - wish it did.

Patience and persistence, I think, are more important than speed to reaching that particular goal this time.

[Rose Tiger]

Good stuff Tali.  I've had some rough knocks in life but nothing hurt me as bad as the betrayal by ex.  Nothing.  I didn't think I was going to survive, I had to read holocaust memoirs of how they survived to have some hope.

[Perfidy]

Hi peeps... I too was wondering about the destructive nature of the BPD breakup. Being a resourceful person, I typed the feelings that I was experiencing into my web browser and it led me to an article on another website called shell shocked. It was my story to the t. It was explaining the most awful suffering possible from a breakup. I researched more and found bpdfamily.

About the bond with the pwBPD. From what I can understand it is my own core injuries that have been reopened by the relationship. It is said to be a very complex bond because of the disordered thinking. The combination of her and I was toxic. For whatever reasons we chose very sick people as partners and I knew it. I know why I stayed. I had given up on mutual love. I didn't think I would ever find a healthy person to have a relationship with and I just plain gave up. She was sixteen years younger than me and hooked on smoking meth. HEALTHY aye? Not having a relationship might have been a better choice for me. I still suffer. I want to heal.

  The bond enabled us to enmesh. Breaking that bond tore pieces of me away. Like no other suffering that I have ever experienced.

[Phoenix.Rising]

One of our members, Charred, speaks a lot about the loss of a BPD partner being very similar to the loss of a primary family member, or something along those lines.  I feel that he is right, and there is some literature on the subject.  The way they mirror us and we in turn feel like we've found our soul-mate touches something very primitive in us.  For me, it was like a 'coming home' type of feeling.  I felt like I had come home with her.  I felt I had known her in a strange sort of way for a long time.  She was the missing piece! 

But I later realized that much of what she was doing with me in the beginning was largely an act on her part, although she probably felt it was real herself.  There is more that goes into for me as well, because I believe my mother has BPD, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why that would feel natural to me, and also horrible at times. 

A very good therapist told me that my ex was probably more like my mom than anyone I had been with.  I could not see this while we were dating, and I couldn't see it very well when the T suggested it.  But I can see it quite clearly now.  These relationships tap something deep within our core, I believe.  The idealization is so strong and the high so amazing that when they pull away we feel like the world has imploded.  The devastation was almost unbearable.  My mother left me emotionally when I was young, and my father left me physically when I was young.  My ex idealized me and then left me.  I deserve better.

[Cumulus]

I can't speak for the difference between breaking up with BPD partner vs non but I can say how devastating it was to break up with xBPDh. And I believe the devastation was directly related to BPD. I felt robbed and violated. Over the years my very self had been stolen, my ideas, my actions, my idiosyncrasies, my way of relating to others, my concerns and my interests had all come to belong to him. I had become less and less of a person with diminishing energy and initiative. He took it and put it on as his public persona. He became me.

So in the leaving was a huge rebuilding. A rebuilding starting with discovering what was lost. The positive is at my present age I know what is I important to me and have been able to rebuild myself with those qualities.

Good question drv