I need advice.. She didn't come home from work. Not answering my calls...

[jlovechronicles]

Right now my Borderline Personality traits girlfriend has not come home from work today. It's been almost 4 hours and she won't answer my phone calls or texts and I am honestly worried. Usually we communicate with each other our plans plus we live together so I do expect to see her when she gets out of work. Today she asked me to meet her for lunch at 12pm. I knew that making the 12pm time would be hard so I tried to push it to later but she insisted that she eat right at 12pm. Well I was late and we didn't eat until 12:30pm so I think she was pissed about that. She threatened to not join me for lunch after I had already ordered and then when she did show up, she sat and ate for 15-20 mins and then she got up and left and said "thanks for lunch" in a rude tone that made me feel like I was being used.

She works down the street from where we live so I decided to take the dog out on a walk to meet her when she got out of work but as I was walking the dog I saw someone that looked like her, it probably was her walking in out apartment building. This means that she got a ride from someone (which never happens) and then never even came up to our apartment. So I am concerned. I am sure she is just trying to punish me for being late today and for the times that she may worry about me, although I would NEVER just not come home and not call her to tell her where I was.

I feel angry, scared and very frustrated! Any advice on how to cope right now? What about when she finally comes back? How can I best deal with the situation? :/

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[Scout99]

Hi jlovechronicles!

I hear your frustration and your worry, and understand that your mind may be raising right now conjuring up all sorts of scenarios that creates even more worry in your mind and heart.

But I think it is best to just try to remain calm in this... . so you don't begin to resort to the sometimes all too familiar black and white thinking that our BPD loved ones often displays... .

First of all, you assume the woman you saw entering your building was your wife, but you are not sure, so it could have been someone else, right? You also assume that she then must have been given a ride by someone, that usually won't happen, but again you don't know either if it truly was your wife or if she was catching a ride... . right?

Assumptions are usually not helpful, so it might be better to stay with an I don't know approach for the time being, if you ask me... .

The problem with assumptions are they usually block all other possibilities. And in this case all you know is she was a bit at least angry about the lunch thing.

And maybe she is just off seeing a friend to blow off some steam... . What I am saying is that there may be many other options apart from the ones that are causing you a lot of worry right now... .

In all probability she will be home soon. Or at worst will be in contact with you eventually and the best thing you can do is to prepare for that.

First I would like to ask you if she has done anything like this before? How does she usually deal with situations where she gets upset about something she (unjustly) feels you are doing to her?

The best approach in my opinion in situations like this, is to try and remain calm when she does contact you. And not let your worry get the better of you. But instead choose to listen to what she has to say. And find out as much as possible from what she has to say. It may me big, but then again it may be really small too... . And everything in between... .

Let her know that you are sorry things didn't work out so well about your lunch, (without necessarily crawl under the carpet about it). And then take it from there... .

There is no point in assuming the worst before it happens... .

Let us know how things evolve! And if you have more questions or need to vent - bring them on!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[jlovechronicles]

Thank you for your reply. You are right, I do not know for sure if it was her walking into the building. What I do know after contacting a mutual friend is that our friend saw her out at a local bar around 6:15pm. So at least I know she is OK. I was worrying too much. Usually when she gets mad, she yells a lot and sends harassing text messages telling me to F off and that I'm making her life terrible. I feel like she sometimes sets me up for failure just so she can remind me of how she can't trust/ rely on me.

Thank you for listening.

[eyvindr]

Hi jlove,

Sorry your dealing with this. It's very anxiety-producing behavior, I know.

Maybe she's taking a new approach and, instead of ranting, blowing off some steam on her own?

On the other hand, maybe she's being a brat, to "get back at you" for being late.

You won't really know until you guys see each other and can talk about it. Try not to stress too much. If you're reasonably sure that she's ok, try not to worry.

Hope it works out ok for you.

[briefcase]

How are things today?

[jlovechronicles]

Still on the black side of her splitting today. She came home around 10pm last night. Said she "forgot" to call... alluding to a time when I was out celebrating my brother's bday over a year and a half ago and didn't call her soon enough. I mean come on... holding onto grudges for so long! Things were good for a little while today but I went into work and she went over to a friends house. She came home a couple hours after I did and didn't want to talk or hang out at all. Not sure if this is just a bad relationship aka normal or if this behavior is linked to BPD traits. :/

[Scout99]

Still on the black side of her splitting today. She came home around 10pm last night. Said she "forgot" to call... alluding to a time when I was out celebrating my brother's bday over a year and a half ago and didn't call her soon enough. I mean come on... holding onto grudges for so long! Things were good for a little while today but I went into work and she went over to a friends house. She came home a couple hours after I did and didn't want to talk or hang out at all. Not sure if this is just a bad relationship aka normal or if this behavior is linked to BPD traits. :/

Hi!

Glad to hear she came back.

However what you are raising now is of course an important question for a partner of a pw BPD to ask oneself from time to time. Because all behavior is not dysregulated BPD behavior. The line can sometimes be thin and the reasons to become angry or sad or whatever may sometimes also be legitimate. Sometimes we as non's do hurtful things to our partners too for example. And sometimes a reaction is not a BPD reaction... .

Again the reason for reacting may be relevant or legitimate but the reaction still a BPD reaction... . Do you follow?

Now to begin with I don't recall asking you if your girlfriend is diagnosed with BPD or if she is undiagnosed but shows traits of BPD? Not that the label matters all that much, but it may still be good to know... . If she is, is she or has she ever been in any form of treatment for it? (I also want to apologize for referring to her as your wife before... . I don't know what gave me that idea... . ?)

The way I used to figure out whether my ex BPD bf was showing a behavior that could be connected to his disorder or not was to look firstly at the situation that brought up the behavior from an as objective point of view as I could possibly think of... . Now that is a bit hard, because that means also looking at my own behavior... . Was I acting out of line in some way, or would my acting be considered relevant? Sometimes I would have to ask a friend, and by that I mean a friend who dares to be brutally honest with me... .

Then I would compare the situation to what things I knew triggered my ex bf's BPD. In his case most things that meant a step away from his built up routines were potential triggers. He is sensitive to all forms of change... . And he was also triggered by physical sensations, he has a hypochondriac streak, so he is prone to panic attacks, a.k.a. If he feels a headache coming on for instance he is also way more sensitive... .

I also looked for triggers in his outside life, that is outside the relationship. A phone call at work gone bad, or a request from a co worker that he felt stressed about or a physical sensation that triggered his fear of death while working out or stuff like that... .

Then I looked at his behavior, to see if his mood was swinging in any way... . Usually when he is dysregulating he is flipping through a lot of different emotions very quickly... . He can be worried one minute, extremely irritated the next, defensive the third and then indifferent the next... .

And when dysregulating he also had a hard time talking about what was really bothering him, but instead he would bring up all sorts of things into the talk... .

If he would be able to stay true to the situation he said he was angry or irritated about without deflecting or confusing things with tons of other stuff about me or our relationship as a whole or whatever, then I chose to treat the situation as relevant... . However that does not mean it could not turn into dysregulation if something in it anyway triggered his BPD... .

But again there is a thin line, and mostly at times like these we as non's are better off if we try to relate to it by using some form of communication tool such as S.E.T for example... .

Have you looked into how S.E.T works?

If not here is a link to a workshop about S.E.T:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

To give you some further perspective and perhaps give you a starting point from which you can discover some of the things you as a partner can do to improve your communication with your BPD partner and also avoid unnecessary conflicts from getting out of hand. Here is another workshop on the do's and don't s when dealing with a person with this disorder:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Best Wishes

Scout99