what does it mean to take care of yourself?

[qwaszx]

everyones always saying "take care of your self" ... . i got to thinking i dont know if i know what the feely means... . what are my "needs" ?  and i mean the deep setted ones, not "food, shelter, water"... . the need to be loved, heard and respected? are those my needs

whats does it mean to take care of your self? what do you do to make sure all your needs are met?

i dont know if i were ever taught that... . i've had a pretty solid life... . i guess. i always had what i needed as far as food, shelter, water, all that stuff... . but i was taught to take care of others above my self, mainly people not as well off or with mental disabilitys(my mom is an EA, and would take care of students in the summer), my brothers dauther(i was in a tone of trouble if i went to see my friends while she was up on his weekends, made to feel ashamed that i didnt want to spend every min with her, i was 11 when she was born. as we grow, i wanted to go out with my friends in my teen years, i thought one day was enough time spent with her, and one day for myself, plus driving her home, and picking her up), anyone my mom saw as a flightless bird in need of rescue... . there was one time that one of her students bite me, like full on chopped on to my arm(i was maybe 9 at the time) and i blacked out and slapped her across the face... her responce, "hit_ shes special needs, she didnt know better, you shouldnt hit people, you should tell her your sorry for hitting her" ummm no, eff that noise. she bite me and i dont remember hitting her... so what do i have to be sorry for? defending myself?... i know its stupid to carry this grudge since i was a kid, but it is what it is... . i newist one was this, my dads an addict, hes on a downward slide right now, lossing everything, my parents are split(new but its happened 3 times now), but my mom now want me to try and save him from himself, asked me to talk with him about how it effects me, blaha blaha blaha, and wants to do an intervention(this has happened since i was 7, and i've seen him get off the stuff and relaps since then) im done, i dont want to try and "help" him, if he wants to piss it all away thats his choice... . does this make me selfish and a bad person?...

im actually really confused as to what my needs are, and where that line is... and what i can do to take care of myself.  

[DesertChild]

qwaszx... . I can understand your concerns about not knowing yourself enough to know what your needs are.

I think they vary person to person and no one can tell you what they are. You can't spend time defining yourself through other people or what they tell you what your personal needs are. In this capacity I can't help you.

I can tell you the journey to finding your own needs is difficult. It takes a lot of work, patience and listening to yourself. It also take exploring which can be frightening and exciting wrapped up into one package.

No one method will obviously work for you. And one person's method might not be yours.

However, I think it takes courage to take a peek beneath the layers and discover who you are, define yourself, find confidence in yourself, find your boundaries, learn respect for others and learn how to give to others without losing yourself. Even the best of us lose our way... .

For me, my best method was to test them, find out what was comfortable for me in my own space without other people telling me. I would test out various personality traits and connect them to my morality and just give it a go. Was I extroverted, introverted, did I like that trait v. that trait. Where did I feel comfortable? What were my hobbies and interests? What made me happy, sad, miserable, etc? Basic reconnection. And then find a way to be confident and have boundaries around that.

Though I think, for myself, I also learned that I don't actually "complete" the steps. I have to keep revisiting them once in a while to make sure I am centered and connected to my spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, etc self.

So good luck in your journey to self-discovery. I hope you find something that works.

[MaybeSo]

A clue to our needs is to listen to what we are saying we want from others, for example, on this forum we hear a lot about:

I want to be loved

I want to be respected

I want to feel safe and nurtured

I want to have fun and feel joy

I want honesty

I want to feel at peace

These are all things we often say we want and we seek these things from our relationship partners. But we often pick partners ill equipped to meet these needs; with further digging, we may see that our partners mirror our own lack of self love, self respect, self honesty, ...

The lesson then becomes, if these are my needs, I must first provide them for myself. In time, I will attract people capable of mirroring my own healthy self love, self respect, honesty.

All humans need these basic things. We just get confused about how to get them. It's not outside of us. In my opinion, self care is about identifying these emotional needs (and physical, material needs too if needed) and then learning to do or provide those things for your self. Not looking outside of yourself or depending (dependence) on an other person to get those needs met.

[seeking balance]

This is a great question qwaszx!

It helped me to think of needs as a child - ok what does a child really need to be a fully functioning, self sufficient, healthy adult.

Well - the basics:  food, shelter, education, friends

Then there are the deeper things that really sew the seeds of self worth that are modeled and taught by care-givers, their initial connections.

appreciation, structure, self-discipline, value, unconditional love

The deeper things are the things that I found I needed to do for myself - this was taking care of myself... . it is the things that people with high self worth naturally do.  If we didn't have people in our lives who do these things, we don't naturally know how to do them.

Some specific things that I do for "taking care of me"

- have nurturing relationships with people who accept me as I am

- forgive myself

- cry if I need to and comfort myself with maybe a hot bath or a walk on the beach

- yoga/physical exercise is crucial for me to feel good.

As others said - it is personal to you... . comfort and peace may look different for you than for me.  IMHO, to really know our needs requires some time alone - not in any sort of romantic relationship and not during the hard grief time, once the big emotional trauma balances, it is during that time that I was really able to see the things I needed.

Good luck on your journey!

SB

[qwaszx]

hmm interesting, i just thought maybe there are some guild lines into it:) its weird because i am clearly able to define my deep rooted self(i guess i thought needs and self were two different things) maybe its because i need to do more basic self work.(i just really started this week on some of that, i described myself to my friend pretty detailed, from who i am, what i excell at, what i need to work on, what i look for in a partner, what i want in a job, etc, i didnt think of what i like to do, but i guess thats important, i can tell you what i do and dont like... i also started working on doing more me things(had my frist riding lesson in over 2 year, because i though i was not capable of anything, thought i would distroy everything, id givin up on me, and my ablility to flurish as myself, today was very convidence building day, i can still connect! and im not so bad:D i havent failed myself, i can heal!)

my needs are the next thing i will be working through. what are my needs... .

my need to be loved*****

need to feel safe**********

need to grow

need to be heard

need to be accepted(but i think this one is grey)

need to... hmm i'll figure it out.

what can i do and what cant i do:) boundrys are something else that im working on...

[qwaszx]

as well as i need for security

need for loyality

so talking care of your self simply means to do what you need to do, and meet your personal needs?

[qwaszx]

and need empathy

[GreenMango]

Thoughtful list   

[MammaMia]

Maybeso

Well said!  

Others pick up very quickly on how we define ourselves.

We must love and nurture ourselves before we can love and nurture others.  This requires a solid sense of self:  self-respect, honesty, pride in our abilities, integrity, self-confidence that we do  the best we can in any given situation, compassion, and strength just to name a few.  All of these attributes (and many others) make us who we are... .

Since we are not perfect, a sense of humor helps us to laugh at ourselves as well.

A strong sense of self will not allow others to set expectations for us that compromise our core values.  

[seeking balance]

so talking care of your self simply means to do what you need to do, and meet your personal needs?

yes - and sometimes meeting your needs means the courage to be vulnerable and ask for help... . but the help of someone CAPABLE of trust and loyalty to help us is the key after our BPD mess.

such a thoughtful list

[talithacumi]

And - if you're a lonely child like me - to allow yourself to sit with your needs and simply feel them for a change, instead of intellectualizing/rationalizing them. This was an incredibly powerful exercise for me in terms of generating genuine compassion for myself as a person, and motivating me to actually want to take care of myself for a change.

[an0ught]

As a co-dependent person I can clearly see and even sense the need of others.

I struggle to see my own needs.

And even when I recognize one intellectually I struggle to give it sufficient priority  .

My needs trumping the needs of someone else and feeling ok with that - not so easy.

to allow yourself to sit with your needs and simply feel them for a change, instead of intellectualizing/rationalizing them.

Hmm, feeling one's need sounds not like a rational approach and for that reason may be truly helpful. Less difficult to deny it. There are lot's of learned responses in my head telling me that I don't have needs 

[MammaMia]

Taking care of one's self means to safeguard your wellbeing from harm.  It means doing things you enjoy that make you feel good and give you personal pleasure.  It sometimes means putting yourself first, by avoiding people and situations that make you angry, sad, or frustrated.

Self care fosters the belief that you are worthy of being loved and you have a right to happiness... .just like everyone else.  It also means being able to forgive yourself when you make a mistake.

We all need these things periodically to contribute to an overall sense of contentment.   To take a break from the weight of the world is ok... .in fact, it is necessary to balance the stress in your life.   It is not being selfish.

Do this for you. 

[qwaszx]

thank you

[qwaszx]

i think avoiding everything that makes me sad is impossible, and i dont think i want to, it would limit my life... i mean its been quit the ride, but it was worth it. im learning more about myself then i ever would have im learning more then i would have thought to look at, and gaining more understanding of our world... .i think i want to learn how to better deal with my emotions... but i dont want to have to avoid things that make me sad, mad, or unhappy... i just want to know how to deal with those things when they happen.

i wont put myself in situations that will harm me, l'll protect myself.

im working on the whole forgive myself part... .its comming...

i guess im comming to terms with it all... and figuring out what i need to do from here.

[livednlearned]

Really interesting thread! I'm glad you asked it. I struggled with this until my T started to point out how not taking care of myself kept landing me in trouble.

Example: I have always had a hard time ending conversations, so I always found myself running late. It was weirdly difficult for me to tell someone that I had to go at such and such a time, so I would wait until it felt ok to say something, or else wait until the other person ended the conversation.

One time, I was meeting with my professor (authority), and ended up overstaying my time in a parking lot where I picked my son up from after school. We were allowed to park for 15-20 minutes in the lot without paying (after school was on campus), but I was there for well over an hour. When I tried to leave, the parking attendant wouldn't open the gate because she wanted to give me a long lecture about abusing my privileges. I lost my temper (super rare) and shouted at her to open the gate. My son was in the back seat, his eyes the size of saucers, he couldn't believe I was yelling. I couldn't believe she wouldn't open the gate! It was this highly immature shout fest. My T later pointed out that if I had told my professor I only had 20 minutes -- I would've been taking care of myself. She also said it was ok to demand that the parking attendant open the gate, that I was being assertive. She thought I resorted to shouting because I hadn't taken care of myself earlier, and it was a domino effect. So a messy way to take care of myself, and I felt like I lost control, but taking care of myself nonetheless. T said, "Next time, call 911 and explain the situation."

Just a simple scenario like that, including talking to T about it, and I can see how my childhood dynamic with BPD people influences how I take care of myself (or don't) as a grown-up. Even when T said, Call 911 -- in my mind I was thinking "I'll just be bothering them" or "That's so extreme" instead of "This person is bullying me" or "This person is using position of authority and lording it over me."

[MammaMia]

qwaszx

It is possible to reduce stress and anxiety by simply picking and choosing our battles.  Is the argument or situation really worth the consequences?  Sometimes yes and sometimes no. 

Many of us tend to "need" to have the last word in a conflict... but In BPDland, he who speaks last does not necessarily win the war.  He just prolongs the war.

Yes, it is impossible to avoid feelings of sadness, anger, fear, etc.  As you stated emotions are a good thing.  The key to taking care of yourself is to learn how to have some control over the situations that evoke them and how they affect your life. 

I hope that makes sense to you.

[qwaszx]

yep, i get it, im actually pretty good at picking and choosing my battles, unless i really need to say it, it goes unsaid for the most part... .with my friend i can tell just when she needs sometime, or when we can talk something through... for the most part we are pretty good,(i have my days where im either in a bad mood to begain with, need to say something or i dont catch where she is, or im scared for her because shes jumped off the deep end... those times are the hardest for me, slowly learning just not to go there because she's to reactive to understand, with out twisting, and im really bad with words to begain with... .pointless battles) and shes really trying right now.

as for other areas of my life im actually not very assertive, and i dont pick a lot of battle, even when i should, id rather just walk away, or give in, or simpley do it all myself... .so being assertive is hard for me... unless im really really hurt i tent to just grin and bare it... .

[livednlearned]

im actually not very assertive, and i dont pick a lot of battle, even when i should, id rather just walk away, or give in, or simpley do it all myself... .so being assertive is hard for me... unless im really really hurt i tent to just grin and bare it... .

My T would say you are not taking care of yourself when you walk away, or give in, or do it yourself.

My tendency is to be the same as you, but I'm learning. And when you practice, it actually does get easier.

[qwaszx]

ya i know its simply easyer, and i dont like feeling like i've hurt someone elses feelings... .