Perfidy, when I began taking inventory - it was a mind field. I had little knowledge on what to work on first. Self worth seemed the perfect place to start.
Strength is perfected in times of weakness – and sometimes we find strength where we once thought none existed. Its time to rebuild and the best knowledge of ourselves comes from realizing what we have endured from loved ones.
Strength and self knowledge builds happiness - because we can find comfort in knowing our own values and how to use boundaries to protect them.
Through your ordeals Perfidy you have gained strength without knowing it. Because of our past and own dysfunctional coping we choose not to use those strengths because we have been taught not to trust them. Start to have a think about how we attract people in our lives and who we choose to love – for me – I chose men who were very weak – emotionally and spiritually. They were very reminiscent of my father (likely BPD, alcoholic). I thought it gave me strength however I was very misguided - I was reliving a self fulfilling prophecy which only reinforced my perceived weaknesses and did little to build my strength.
Since my break up I have met and dated some men. The one I felt most vulnerable with (hence really liked) was a great guy who was very clear about taking things slow (great boundaries), he didn’t bring up past relationships, he didn’t lament in the past, he was confident yet not at all arrogant/egotistical, I felt protected and nurtured, I felt I could be open with my own vulnerabilities and he would simply listen and not judge, he had no trouble talking about his failings as a strength, he never once tried to save me/rescue me/fix me, he noticed the small things, there was no high drama or passive aggressive.
Abuse is normal from people that love me. I really hate it. I wish it were different.
I learnt to trust love again because in my healing I learnt to trust myself. Many men in my life have been abusers including family members – I have gained so much strength in digging deep and finding what I don’t want in a man – those abusers would be it.
A mans strength for me is not governed by his ability to save or rescue me, and as cliché as it sounds it’s his ability to walk beside me. It’s his ability to allow vulnerabilities, actively work towards the relationship as well as himself.
Continue to work on you Perfidy – do that and you will not be attracted to dysfunction – you will be highly allergic. Strong boundaries and solid limits in man are highly attractive – knowing what a man wants is paramount for me.
Try to work towards not normalizing abuse – had we have worked towards these strengths listed above we would never have entered this relationship to begin with. We would have simply said with strength and conviction “No Thanks. It was nice to meet you”. Period.
Find your strengths and build on them - CBT will help with this - CBT helps us untwist our thinking.
