Finally start finding peace and boom

[PhoenixRising15]

Please, I need people to talk some sense into me.

My ex and I are on a break/breakup for a few months after our last spat and her heading out to europe for a few months.  She said she realized most of her problems were her stuff and she needed time to figure them out.

Yesterday I finally gathered the courage to throw everything of hers out.  To resolve myself that it is not what I want.

Today I got an email.

"Hey my phone got stolen last week,  Here's my new phone number.  I know we're not talking much, but I want you to always be able to reach me if you need me no matter what.

I love you so much... .I think of you truly always.  You'll never know how powerfully you captivate my heart and soul.  I hope you are doing well and are happy... .I miss you.  My heart aches for yours every single moment.  I hope you are finding the peace and healing you need, as I continue to search for it every day."

Please someone translate that from BPD speak into real talk.

[bpdspell]

So you're in the midst of learning how to detach and then boom... .here comes temptation.

It wouldn't be called life if it weren't full of tests. The good thing is you don't need and "A" to pass.

It all boils down to what you want. Do you fully accept that you were involved with a mentally ill woman? Or do you still believe that this woman holds the keys to your happiness?

Attempts from them really shouldn't matter once we've made up our minds that they are no good for us. Mental illness doesn't change or improve after a break up. It doesn't go away and there's no shot or pill for it. BPD is there... .rain or shine.

Is your ex fishing to see if her hooks are still in? Probably. And it's called so what. My ex reached out to me by calling blocked, parking his car in front of my apartment building, and making sure he'd place himself where I could see him visibly.

But it didn't matter to me cause my mind was made up. I had had it up to my neck in toxic dysfunction. We all get up from the table when we're full.

The million dollar question is... .will you take the bait?

Spell

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you.

[Learning_curve74]

Words are just words. "I finally realize that I love you and need you. By the way, I also realize that I am a dolphin." See how easy that was? 

When you know what you truly want and need, then you don't need a "BPD translator". Best wishes to you.

[PhoenixRising15]

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

I just had a setback where I thought she was normal for a second.

I am integrating the "good" and "bad" versions of her to know they are one and the same:

Beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, conniving, deceptive, selfish, cheater

I want nothing to do with that person.  Nothing.

[Ironmanrises]

Questioning,

How did you manage to integrate the good and bad versions of her into one?

I ask because i have trouble with this.

I keep my ex split into those two versions.

[Trick1004]

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

I just had a setback where I thought she was normal for a second.

I am integrating the "good" and "bad" versions of her to know they are one and the same:

Beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, conniving, deceptive, selfish, cheater

I want nothing to do with that person.  Nothing.

I like this, they ARE both versions. I think we have a difficult time recognizing this. We think things will be different and we will only get the "good". No, we've all seen the "bad" and need to see that the "bad" will not go away no matter what we do. Both the "good" and "bad" are part of the total package of who the BPD is.

I don't want it anymore either. Thank you for this post.

[PhoenixRising15]

And here comes the manipulative piece.  Got another email from her.

Oh by the way, I actually don't have your contact number.  I'm traveling without my computer/notebook that i told you i would write you in every day.

Will you please send it to me?

I'm sorry.  I love you.  I miss you.

I knew all I had to do was wait for it.  Besides, if she was so worried about me and thinking about me all the time as she said, she would have sent me that message last week when she lost her phone, not when she finally decided she needed me.

Oh and by the way, she could get my number from a number of her friends, if she hadn't painted me black to them and continued to do it.  That's her fault. 

I'm not going to reply to this email.  I'm going to let her sit with it and figure it out herself.  And if she wants to apologize that would be nice too.

I'm done with the crazy.

How did I reconcile them images?

I just kept asking myself, why am I so sad? Why can't I give her up? She's treated me so hitty.

And then I realized, neither "good" nor "bad" version are actually her.  Rather she is nothing.  She is a pure mirror.  It is too hard for her to show herself to anyone because she'd have to face all the crazy antics she's been pulling over on so many people for so long.

Rather, the "Good" that I saw was her mirroring the good in me, and me projecting the things I like on to her.  The bad was the things that she was mirroring in her addict friends and from her childhood.  The abuse and neglect from her parents.

They're both "her" but neither is truly her.  She doesn't know who she is.  She is truly a ghost, a fractured soul, trying to figure out who she is by mirroring, and projecting, splitting, and splicing, but never having the sense to be herself.  That would be the most dangerous thing ever, because she would have to face her truly greatest fear, being alone.  That the things that all these people saw in her were all an act.

That's the best description I can give.  You've got to find it for yourself.  When you find yourself looking at just how hurt you are, you forget that she was there too.  She has choices. 

They are all just stunted by fear.  A fear that none of us will likely ever know.

[Relentless]

Were you NC for these months? How long was it?

I'm glad to see you are able to see these things as they are. Good for you.

My ex's dad called the police on me because I sent a truthful email and text (nothing bad really). It would be nice to get something validating like you got, but at the same time... .I should not care.

Sounds like you're in a good place. I'm happy to hear that. It is strange to think about how we ignore the crappy way they treated us.

But ya. Good stuff thx for the post. Even if I never get something from mine, it's good to see the detachment happens.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Questioning,

     I can't resist looking at her email and translating as you requested, even though you don't seem to need it very much (I'm extremely impressed by your level of understanding).  It's just that the contact is so classically BPD in it's complte self-centeredness.

"I love you so much... .I think of you truly always.  You'll never know how powerfully you captivate my heart and soul.  I hope you are doing well and are happy... .I miss you.  My heart aches for yours every single moment.  I hope you are finding the peace and healing you need, as I continue to search for it every day."

She actually couldn't even get through the last sentence -- the only one with even a hint of interest in how you are -- without immediately coming back to her needs.  My translation is:

":)ear One-of-many-guys-I-keep-on-the-shelf, my most recent relationship has (to no surprise, really) gone south or will very soon, so I'd like to re-establish ours until I can get set up with a couple of other guys.  I know the words to say that will describe exactly how you feel even though my viewpoint is, naturally, just about what I need.  Kindly be the meat puppet you have always been and give me your heart again so I will feel better about myself and won't be even close to being alone, even briefly."   "Truly" is my favorite word there actually.  The actions speak the truth because their words are just never true.  Truly.

     Congratulations on the progress you have made.

LT

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you all. I've only been NC for 2 weeks.  She is in Ibiza.  She claimed she needed time to get back to her true self and work on her issues.  Promised it wasn't about drugs and partying and men.  Promised she couldn't even drink because of health issues.

Too bad I have friends with social media profiles that see her drinking, doing drugs, partying, and with men.

My bet, she hited a couple guys, feels REALLY guilty about it because I told her that was the one thing I could not forgive, and now is wondering if I know, so she baits the hook a little to see if I know, if i might have caught wind.

This is not my first go round with her.  I've caught her in so many lies, I can't even count them.  She even lies to herself.  I've broken up and made up with her 4 times so far.

She asked for this time and space to forgive me.

After reading these boards, I realized that she probably does actually need that.  Unfortunately, her compensatory behaviors for loneliness and emptiness I simply will not tolerate.

The last breakup, she semi cheated on me (we weren't officially together but talked every day)... .

She knows shes done.  She knows shes caught.  She couldn't resist the allure of broadcasting her fun on social media, and now she's trying to see if I've caught wind.

I'll let you all know if I get another piece of bait.

My bet, the next one, "I'm so afraid that you're angry.  I can't possibly fathom why? I love you so much!  Please just contact me to let me know you're not angry.  I haven't done anything"

Today was hard really integrating the fact that she literally does not exist in this world.  Her feelings truly define her facts, moment to moment.  They let her get by in her own little reality, because if she had to deal with real life morality, I honestly think she would kill herself.  Yes, she is that bad.

I just have to keep coming back here to realize that not everyone is like her.  I wish I could just up and start another relationship to keep this pain at bay, but I'm afraid, and I don't even want to be around people.  I just have to keep realizing she is truly mentally ill, and she is a drug addict whether she admits it or not (daily drug use + weekly use of various hard drugs for the past 5 years). 

My deepest fears are

A - she will suddenly get better and the next guy will get a great girl - I realize in all likelihood this is almost a complete impossibility.  heavy drugs + BPD 19 makes for not such a good likely outcome.

B - she will come back and I will have forgiven her and accepted her problems and I will try to make it work.  I just have to realize, I deserve better than someone who jumps ship at MY hardest time in the relationship and convinces me its good for me.  Yes, she actually convinced me this was good for me and she would be loyal to me.

Words are just words.  Actions are everything.  Just gotta keep sayin it to myself.  Don't trust the words.

Oh, and by the way as far as that email being validating... .it wasn't validating.  She just knew that she couldnt say, "Hey I don't feel ok if I don't have constant access to you, what's your number." So she baited the hook with a sob story and tried to manipulate me into contact.

Little does she know I've blocked her real number.  She'll be getting a nice surprise in about a month when she has a drug induced freakout and tries to call good ol' QF to calm her down as usual.

Is it wrong that I take pleasure in that thought?

[PhoenixRising15]

Bingo,

1 Hour later:

"Please give me your number? I know that something is obviously not okay... .if you don't want me contacting you that's fine but will you please let me know? I might be assuming things wrongly from our last conversation.  I will respect anything you choose. I'm just dying right now checking my email every two minutes to see if you've responded.

I love you.  I hope everything is okay."

Hrrm... .Is there anything in there about me? Concern for me? Love for me?  Nope.  Fear.  Of. Abandonment.

[Clearmind]

Translation: "Please soothe me QuestioningFaith because I have no skills to soothe myself". She is seeking validation.

Save yourself rather than save her.

[PhoenixRising15]

Well, I got recycled last night.

She finally managed to get my phone number and call it.  It was actually a fairly amicable conversation.

She continuously said she missed me and loved me, blah blah the works.

The interesting thing, the thing that sucked me back in, is that she has started therapy, and has started to talk about her own side of problems.  She was describing how she was mirroring, and splitting, and splicing, never while using those terms, but describing how it happened why it happened.

I asked her if she had slept with anyone and she said no, many have tried, ive said no, but I have kissed a few guys.

As for now, I told her I'd like to speak with her but I will not do so if she has physical intimacy with any men. 

She asked for a compromise that if she was in a situation where she wanted to kiss a guy, could she call and talk with me.  She'd do what she wanted, but then she would know the consequences.

I'm actually fine with her kissing (only).  It hurts, but I'm being realistic.  This isn't 6th grade and she is on a eurotrip.

She was worried because before the trip, she had slept with another guy, and I rightfully reacted like a controlling freak wanting to know where she was, what she was doing, wearing, etc.

I told her I don't want that for her on this trip.  I want her to have the freedom, call when she wants, dont when she doesnt, but no physical intimacy.  that's my boundary.

When I said absolutely nothing, no kissing, she said she knew some part of her would resent that. (being controlled)  that's where the compromise of calling came in.  It puts her back in power, instead of me stating a rule.

I have to learn to be able to communicate my boundaries without triggering her control fears.

Ugh.  I'm excited and scared.  How did I get back in this again?

[SeekerofTruth]

QF:

I was about to leave a comment regarding the "excellence" of this thread and then to my dismay read your last post.

Shivers.

There for the grace of God go I.  At least for today I am away... .and my heart yearns for it like a self-sabotaging maschocistic junkie yearns for the next fix.  Rationally, i understand its a negative attachment for me but i also realize something really funny/wonky is going on between my ghost and me.  Its akin to a teenage couple forbidden to see each other by their parents- which only strengthens their bond and attraction... .stimulating, exciting, craaaaazzzzyyyy lovers.  It's like my inner munchkin is in telepathic alignment with her inner munchkin while in the real world we fight it out like dogs and our adult selves talk a bunch of jargon and the lawyers are now in involved as its gotten ugly to rest of the real world.  I'm sorry if i am stepping on your thread, hope the focus stays on you and your edge.  As for me, my outer voice and determination very clearly says "I don't want you in my life anymore"  "I think I'd be better off with someone new without untreated BPD who is there for me in a mutually beneficial way"  but my inner munchkin voice is being interpreted as " i need you... .like a moth needs a flame"  as my sense of true self transmutes and erodes from being a lion... .to a mouse... .to moth.  I do realize this, however.  There for the grace of God go I

[PhoenixRising15]

Seeker,

No, I thank you.  It's only a slip, not a slide.

She simply doesnt hold the same pull over me.

She called at 2AM my time, I had been sleeping, and I thought the number was a friends.

She actually said about the kissing, "I wish you could just know how meaningless it is to me".

I said, I understand it meaningless to you, but it is not to me.

Detachment is a process, and I am moving forward with it.

I didn't give in to her pleas to soothe her.  I let her solve her own problem.  I will continue to let her solve her own problems and live my life.

If she wants to call and tell me she loves me, and misses me, and how great I am, sure.  I'll take the ego boost from anywhere.

I told her, I dont ever mind fun calls where I'm told I'm loved and missed and valued.  I won't be your stand by emotional go-to while you're off being physically intimate with other men.

It's about reclaiming my personal space in the relationship.

And after reading on here alot, I realize that she as hurting too.  She was really trying to twist herself into something she wasnt (her words) in order to be what I wanted.  She says shes just got to risk honesty for herself to be happy and if we aren't meant to be together then that's okay.

I think she finally wore herself out on mirroring, and I wore myself out on trying to take care of her every need.

Balance and Moderation.

I have to be me without thought of her, in order to be able to support her, and to let her be her.

In order to give this thing any sort of a chance, I've got to give her the chance to fail.

[SeekerofTruth]

QF:

Nice.  Very well articulated.  Just to clarify, by "give this thing any sort if a chance" are you referring to your detachment processes? because i thought i was getting a feel for another recycle-cycle.

[AliveButBeatup]

I am finding these boards to be very helpful.  I am not feeling alone and seem to be able to step back and have a bird's eye view of the craziness I tolerated.  I appreciate the comment below.

How did I reconcile them images?

I just kept asking myself, why am I so sad? Why can't I give her up? She's treated me so ty.

And then I realized, neither "good" nor "bad" version are actually her.  Rather she is nothing.  She is a pure mirror.  It is too hard for her to show herself to anyone because she'd have to face all the crazy antics she's been pulling over on so many people for so long.

Rather, the "Good" that I saw was her mirroring the good in me, and me projecting the things I like on to her.  The bad was the things that she was mirroring in her addict friends and from her childhood.  The abuse and neglect from her parents.

They're both "her" but neither is truly her.  She doesn't know who she is.  She is truly a ghost, a fractured soul, trying to figure out who she is by mirroring, and projecting, splitting, and splicing, but never having the sense to be herself.  That would be the most dangerous thing ever, because she would have to face her truly greatest fear, being alone.  That the things that all these people saw in her were all an act.

That's the best description I can give.  You've got to find it for yourself.  When you find yourself looking at just how hurt you are, you forget that she was there too.  She has choices.  

They are all just stunted by fear.  A fear that none of us will likely ever know.

For me, the turning point was during the last time she kicked me out. I had to go back to pick-up my personal items. They were to be set outside. Got there. Only about 30% of my things were there. Gifts from my Mom were not there. Small things with near $0 monetary value, but important to me. And my dress shirts. She had ripped them off the coat hangers, so every one of them is unusable because buttons got tore off.  There is something about physically holding something that someone else had total disrespect for that is an extension of myself. I etched those shirts into my memory so the next time she tries to contact me I can play back that mental photograph.

On my last visit my therapist point blank asked me.  "What is this person adding to your life?"  I couldn't answer the question because the truth is she is adding nothing.  The therapist then went on to say I am doing 90% of the work in the relationship.  My wife's contribution is to keep tearing the relationship apart. The therapist then gave me a visual image of asking me what would it be like to be with someone who contributed 50%?  Pretty amazing I imagine.  :)ecision made.  Time to move on... .

[PhoenixRising15]

It's both, honestly.  Detachment and the recycle.

She can try to recycle me, but only I can let myself be recycled.

I am striving to detach with love, and see her mental illness as such.

On the staying board, I've read tons and tons.

She truly does have a lot to offer me, and she seems to want to express it.  As I've written before, the closer I got to her, the farther she pushed me away.

I see this as my opportunity to say, here are my boundaries.  We can speak like normal people about them, or if you want to violate them, I can leave and not feel guilty.

For her, she has asked for the ability to kiss other men on a eurotrip.  It hurts.  I told her it hurts, but she really really doesn't like being controlled.  I truly believe in her past there was some sexual abuse.

She said a large part of her said, ok if i can have you back no kissing. But there was a small part of her that would engender resentment with that.  I think that part is the control part.

She asked to take it slow, to call me first if she ever gets the urge, and talk with me.  I see the good in that and the bad in that.  She is selfishly trying to get what she wants, but she is willing to listen and see my side. She is trying to feel in control of her situation, to say, okay, I don't want to do this, but I'm saying no because i know it will hurt you.

If she chooses to go ahead, she acknowledged that we may not be right for each other.

That in itself was a huge bit of clarity and insight for her.  For her to not just jump right to mirroring, but say I'm uncomfortable with part of this and i dont know why, please give me time to figure it out.  I can handle that.  That shows remarkable work on her part.

I'm detached from the outcome regardless.  I've slowly been detaching from her by seeing the manipulation.

Even yesterday when she called and said, "I wish you could just see how meaningless kissing is to me".

I didn't rage, I just acknowledged her viewpoint and stated my own.  If she wants to compromise and work on herself, then I'm all for it.

She truly has amazing qualities when she doesn't get dysregulated.  She definitely has a drug addiction and some major issues from her past to work out.

I'm taking this time and space to work on myself.  I've started going back to my second therapy group per week.  I work out again.  I'm eating again.  Sleeping right.  Seeing friends.  Expanding my interests.  Working on my business.  Posting on here, figuring out my boundaries, and how she met my core wound so well, and healing myself, so I don't need her anymore.

I want her, but I dont need her.  And I can deal with that.  I'm too busy to date, so I see this separation as an opportunity to slowly establish trust and build boundaries for a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

I have patience beyond anyone I've known.  I think it comes from my own experience as a trauma survivor.  I am giving to her that which I always wish was given to me, some real love, with boundaries and not bailing on her.

I think we complement each other well, and could make a happy couple eventually.  We both have tons on tons of issues to work out but I'm working on mine and she is FINALLY working on hers, at remarkable speed.

I know her abandonment issues will always be there.  I know my trauma issues will always be with me.

In the words of my therapist, its not about getting over them, its about recognizing their effects and making them work for me.

In this case, I've learned that I am an over-giver and I need to be more demanding to get my needs met and walk away.  However, like her, I have a tendency to split people black or white and walk away.  I am trying to reconcile and accept both the good and bad in her as I do so in myself.  I am trying to learn that no matter how much I give, if I don't get comfortable accepting and demanding people respect my boundaries, I will forever replay in my life the script that I am a victim.

She is truly presenting a wonderful learning and personal growth opportunity.

I know she doesn't hold the key to my happiness or my soul.  I made myself vulnerable and showed it.  I think she felt the same way, and we both needed to pull back a bit to figure out a healthy relationship even if it is not with each other.