Exsos

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

A quick background. Recently broken up from exBPDgf.

Lived together and were engaged after 1 yr. big age gap I'm 35 she's 22

I have a four year old who comes to stay every other wknd and one day

In the week.

I have co dependent traits. Carer, lonely child trying to understand.

After idealisation, she became jealous of my son saying things like

I couldn't give a f... k about my son etc.

Fights ensued, and she would go on drugs binges, sleeping around. Found texts

On her phone etc plus she gave me chlamidia. No concrete proof but I'd

Stake my life on the fact shed been unfaithful, plus her relationship

With her debug dealers was a little close. I don't do drugs but do drink. I don't know

Why but I got engaged. Maybe to help with the jealousy issue and also cos I had invested

So much. I adore her... . (why?)

A week before our engagement party my dad had a big family gathering. No one in my family like her much but supported me. She didn't get the attention she wanted so beat me up punched and stamped on Violently. I then sent her to her parents for a week but tried to sort things out when she got back. The fight was all my fault etc so she made arrangements to move out and start seeing other people.

Last time I saw her on my birthday she broke up and then emailed me pics of herself getting fitted for a wedding dress.

That did it for me so went NC for a month. Anyway last Friday she called leaving a 'nervous,

Message about a letter coming to the flat. It never did. Then had a call this evening at 11.30. No message.

So torn because I long for her and know the potential damage it would cause to ring her back.

I've been obsessing about her and dying for her to call. Last week breakdowns suicidal thoughts and now there she is on the end of my phone and not picking up.

Is there any such thing as a successful recycle?

[Front runner]

Hello all,

A quick background. Recently broken up from exBPDgf.

Lived together and were engaged after 1 yr. big age gap I'm 35 she's 22

I have a four year old who comes to stay every other wknd and one day

In the week.

I have co dependent traits. Carer, lonely child trying to understand.

After idealisation, she became jealous of my son saying things like

I couldn't give a f... k about my son etc.

Fights ensued, and she would go on drugs binges, sleeping around. Found texts

On her phone etc plus she gave me chlamidia. No concrete proof but I'd

Stake my life on the fact shed been unfaithful, plus her relationship

With her debug dealers was a little close. I don't do drugs but do drink. I don't know

Why but I got engaged. Maybe to help with the jealousy issue and also cos I had invested

So much. I adore her... . (why?)

A week before our engagement party my dad had a big family gathering. No one in my family like her much but supported me. She didn't get the attention she wanted so beat me up punched and stamped on Violently. I then sent her to her parents for a week but tried to sort things out when she got back. The fight was all my fault etc so she made arrangements to move out and start seeing other people.

Last time I saw her on my birthday she broke up and then emailed me pics of herself getting fitted for a wedding dress.

That did it for me so went NC for a month. Anyway last Friday she called leaving a 'nervous,

Message about a letter coming to the flat. It never did. Then had a call this evening at 11.30. No message.

So torn because I long for her and know the potential damage it would cause to ring her back.

I've been obsessing about her and dying for her to call. Last week breakdowns suicidal thoughts and now there she is on the end of my phone and not picking up.

Is there any such thing as a successful recycle?

[Front runner]

Sorry written on my phone

[cozmo]

I know you say you been NC for last month, but how long is since you broke up?

[Front runner]

Hi, five weeks ago but she had started detaching a week or so sooner

[Learning_curve74]

I've been obsessing about her and dying for her to call. Last week breakdowns suicidal thoughts and now there she is on the end of my phone and not picking up.

Is there any such thing as a successful recycle?

Hi Front runner, it sounds like you're going through an awful tough time in your life. First a hug for you. 

It sounds like your BPDexgf and you had a very tumultous relationship to say the least. It must've been hard to see her be so jealous of your son, be so unfaithful, physically assault you, and then break up before your engagement party.

The good thing is that you recognize your codependency, that means you can work on yourself. Are you seeing a therapist?

As far as a successful recycle, if you mean that you'll get back together and live happily ever after, well, you may want to go and read the staying board to get an idea of the success rates. It's very unlikely. Even if she was in therapy to treat BPD, it is still very unlikely that you two will end up "happily ever after". That's not to say that it can't happen, but it is most likely a very hard and very long road ahead. And it is very possible she will leave more than once again as well as be unfaithful many more times.

[Front runner]

Hi, thanks for that. Booked in to see my T Friday. Yes it's been a NIGHTMARE

But feel strong for closing the lid on the madness. Only problem seem to have lost an arm in the process. God if we could only laugh at our situations. Other people do when I tell them the story. Occasionally I see the funny side too. It's a bit like returning to the hotel California  - you may never leave (in spirit anyhow) Like some kind of death wish.

What about meeting, explaining about BPD and therapy + rehab or should I wait to see if she is still trying to make contact? NC starts to become a game if they're ringing... .

Think ironman could help me out here.

Or do nothing.? Told my ex, mother of my child so she obviously wouldn't be stoked.

And god knows who she's been with in the interim or who she still is with.

Otherwise looks like she's taken a break to do her thing and reels me in.

[Learning_curve74]

Front runner, you are in a very difficult situation. I hope you had a productive session with your T.    Did you learn some good things during your therapy session?

Here is a thread with some professional perspectives about telling somebody they might have BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

Here is some good information about exiting a BPD relationship if that is your goal:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

There are some good guidelines about how to implement NC (No Contact) or LC (Low Contact) to help give yourself time and space to heal from an unhealthy relationship. I believe LC is necessary if you are dealing with a divorce, dividing up jointly owned assets, or when you have children together. If you don't have to deal with these kinds of issues, I believe NC is more effective simply because it increases the space and time apart to start detaching and healing yourself.

Some of the recommendations in the link above for NC include not letting the BPDex call you, email you, text you, meet you, as well as not looking them up on social media or having friends tell you what they are up to.  Vice versa as well (you don't call her, email her, etc). One of the goals is simply to spend less time thinking about your BPDex. Every time you are in contact with her is another time that will trigger you into thinking about her and your relationship with her and setting yourself back on your healing; therefore, when you go NC, it gives you more space so you can work on detaching and healing yourself.

I'm not going to lie. It's probably going to be very hard going. It's a lot like an addict who goes cold turkey and suffers withdrawal pains, you'll probably feel worse before you start to feel better. I hope the info above helps. Good luck, Front runner. 

[Front runner]

Hi Learning Curve,

Thanks for getting back to me.  Yes He was the same T I saw before.  Also over a break up.  That time with a high powered borderline.  A 4 week relationship that took about 2 years to recover from.  Ludicrous. But I truly believed she was the one and truly believed the break up was all my fault after I 'lost it'.  now realised she just toyed with me as a cat does a mouse.

This time its more clear cut.  The aberrant behaviour from my ex - serial cheating chronic drug abuse violence jealousy sexual manipulation all transparent and lead me to discover borderline personality disorder.

So now I realise the problem lies with myself.  I learnt that I wasn't wrong to get into the relationship but should have exited after a couple of months at the first serious red flags - Going off on a week long bender with a drug dealer to punish me after falsely accusing me of having a 'secret family'.  Holy smoke. That might have set off some kind of alarm.

To then progress the relationship to getting engaged six months later is where the problem lies. 

Anyway we agreed I am disordered.  I told him I had co dependent issues.  He said he doesn't like to label so we'll see I guess.  I think the 'understanding' child might have played apart having a codependent mother and a sociopath father and being sent away to school aged just 8.

NC is hard as hell.  The longing and then the split emotions.  Crying.  Waking up at 4am with a racing heart.  If she rang now I'd pick up.

[Validation78]

HI Front!

Sorry to hear you are having so much anguish and pain surrounding this relationship. It's hard, we all understand!

That being said, this your opportunity to work on yourself, away from the day to day stress of life with a pwBPD. You acknowledge your own issues, and that's a great place to start my friend. You can't fix what you don't accept, and with the help of your T, you're moving in the right direction!

In answer to your original question, are there successful recycles, yes, there are. However, the mistake many make is repeating the same patterns over and over, which of course, results in the same struggles and strife. So, your best bet is to work on yourself, for your own well being and for any chance of success in this relationship or any relationship for that matter!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Ironmanrises]

Front runner,

I tried telling my exUBPgf as I let her back into my life the second and at the very end of that second time she left me that her behavior was very likely due to BPD.

Made no difference.

She briefly admitted to BPD as I let her back in that second time.

A few days later... .

She began to slowly deny it.

2 weeks later... .

Fully denied.

Wouldnt even let me bring up the subject.

At all.

She already was within my walls at that point.

Her briefly admitting it... .

Was also part of her way of getting back into my very walls.

On the very day she left me that second time... .

I told her again about her BPD.

Her response... .

"You are not a therapist. I don't have that. It's not that. It's something deeper. And if it is that, I have to want to get help."

She said all of that.

In one sentence.

You see the denial to admittance and everything in between.

Besides she also told me... .

"I'm reading a self help book."

Yes. Like that was going to help her with her disorder.

My mind started to shutdown at that point.

There was no getting through to her.

My heart broke completely at that realization.

I tried.

A wave of missiles aimed at me were inbound at that moment.

My CIWS guns were out of ammo at that point.

[Front runner]

Hello Ironmanfalls,

What a nightmare, a living hell.  I can see that the same would happen to me.  Pointless even mentioning the BPD.

I dont think anything would change 2nd time around.  Same old stuff.  Round and round we go.   Take care

[Ironmanrises]

Frontrunner,

A living hell... .Yes.

I mentioned the BPD for her to get better... .

For her 2 sons.

Not for me.

I tried to show her this.

Made no difference.

One thing will change second time... .

They will hurt you far worse.

The inevitable outcome.

[Front runner]

Ironman falls,

I think we have to discard the BPD and just look at the person.

mine treated me with ZERO respect. ZERO anything. They are not going to change.

They get satiated like a TICK. Suck us dry then move on.

It's an awful feeling. Like we've been completely conned. Total frauds!

[Ironmanrises]

Front,

As soon as she was triggered... .

Her respect towards me dropped... .

Rapidly.

There was no stopping that.