I answered her call yesterday

[Morrison11]

So, yesterday my phone rings and before I had a chance to really look at the number coming in, I answered it.  It was her.  We've been in NC for a few weeks now, and I've avoided replying to her e-mails.  Thats what this call started out about.

She wanted to know how I could just not reply to her e-mails, and how I could just cut her out of her life.  She kept begging me not to leave her like this.  I told her that the reason I didn't reply to her e-mails is because I refuse to be treated as she has treated her other exes (which is as a crutch after the breakup, with frequent calls or texts or e-mails to them about how sad and lonely she is, self-admittedly seeking validation of her worth and their need for her).  I told her that I am not like those exes, and that I refuse to validate her because she is feeling isolated currently.  After all, she did this to herself.

She told me that she deleted my phone number from her phone the night we broke up, for the exact reason I just listed.  She said she knew she would get weak and call me, and that I would "reject her", which would make her feel even more isolated.  Of course she dug through old e-mails and what not and found my number eventually.

But she told me she was calling, not for validation, but because she wanted to tell me that she is back in DBT.  She told me that she realized the only reason she dropped DBT was because she felt that any skills she was learning there could easily be found in me, and she felt as long as she had me, she didn't need DBT.  I told her that I think it is great she is back in DBT, but that in general, I didn't want to have this conversation right now, and that maybe someday we could talk, but not today.

It sounds like my exBPDgf is on the right track, getting herself healthy, or at least making baby steps toward it.  I will not let this sway how strong I've been. I will not be fooled.  I will not wake up thinking maybe this could be the day. Although I think I will always be hopeful for a storybook ending, deep down in my soul, I won't let this phone call fool me into thinking that the script is finished.  I know that any kind of happily ever after is far far away from the present moment, and that in order to ever acheive that, she must stay commited to herself before committing to any romantic relationship.

Surprisingly, I feel pretty good about the conversation.

[GreenMango]

It sounds like you were firm but honest... .with good intentions for both if you.  Her to get better and you to get better.  No harm there.

It's best she gets some traction in dbt.  If she has a lot if "outs" that won't happen.

It's also good that she's seeking help and you see that.  Like you mentioned you are getting stronger, and don't want to undermine that.

 

[eyvindr]

Morrison --

This sounds about as good as this kind of call could go -- I think you handled it extremely well, and I'm glad you feel good about it. You should.

She wanted to know how I could just not reply to her e-mails, and how I could just cut her out of her life.  She kept begging me not to leave her like this.  I told her that the reason I didn't reply to her e-mails is because I refuse to be treated as she has treated her other exes (which is as a crutch after the breakup, with frequent calls or texts or e-mails to them about how sad and lonely she is, self-admittedly seeking validation of her worth and their need for her).  I told her that I am not like those exes, and that I refuse to validate her because she is feeling isolated currently.  After all, she did this to herself.

She told me that she deleted my phone number from her phone the night we broke up, for the exact reason I just listed.  She said she knew she would get weak and call me, and that I would "reject her", which would make her feel even more isolated.  Of course she dug through old e-mails and what not and found my number eventually.

This is pretty much exactly what my ex is trying to do to me at the moment. Differences here are that my ex never cheated on me, and I don't believe her to be the type -- it was never an issue with me in our r-ship -- she was the one with the crazy unwarranted jealous streak.

She's been calling me repeatedly for the past week -- when she uses her cell, the number shows up as "Restricted" -- but as she's been begging me to talk to her -- in between the repeated accusations that I've been cheating on her throughout our r-ship (based on her twisted interpretation of FB posts) and vicious name calling, threats of lawsuits, etc. -- I suspect that she's forgotten that she's blocked her number on caller id.

This is key, though, and I'm so glad you realize it:

It sounds like my exBPDgf is on the right track, getting herself healthy, or at least making baby steps toward it.  I will not let this sway how strong I've been. I will not be fooled.  I will not wake up thinking maybe this could be the day. Although I think I will always be hopeful for a storybook ending, deep down in my soul, I won't let this phone call fool me into thinking that the script is finished.  I know that any kind of happily ever after is far far away from the present moment, and that in order to ever achieve that, she must stay committed to herself before committing to any romantic relationship.

Hang in there. And don't forget to find a way to reward and congratulate yourself for how you handled this.

[Morrison11]

Ey-

Its amazing how they do this in such a warped way, right?  I mean, I know deep down that although she is saying that she deleted my number so that she wouldn't get weak and go to me like she does with all her other exes, that its exactly what she did.  I mean, in her e-mails she detailed how isolated she is and how no one wants to listen to her cry about our breakup anymore.  So she has hit the point that she doesn't have anyone else, and is tired of the validation that her exes are giving her.  She wants it from me now, because she knows how deeply emotionally rooted it is with me.

I think what makes this easier for me to get through is that I have great instincts, and I am trusting them. 

Its not easy, but it is imperative to stay strong in these moments.

[eeyore]

are you able to be in a new relationship yet?   I think the constant contact makes it more difficult to get back to healthy and therefore more difficult to be able to move on.  Got an opinion?

[Morrison11]

eeyore-

For me, personally, I'm not looking for a new relationship.  This one really took a lot out of me.  I don't want to commit to anybody else.  There's been interest expressed, but I'm not looking for anything at the moment.  I don't want to rebound and get caught up in someone.  I still love my exBPDgf very much.  It wouldn't be fair for me to pretend I'm ready for something romantic.


For me, its more about focusing on myself and keeping myself healthy right now.  I went through the grieving stage, the anger stage, and now I'm really at peace. 

I won't let it become constant contact.  We have recycled before, and I know that happens from breaking the NC.  I do not want to recycle.  My plan is to live my life, let her work on herself, and if somewhere down the line it is a healthy option, we can try again.  I'm not holding my breath.  Chances are she hung up the phone with me and called a different ex.  I'm no dumby with her coping skills.

[Learning_curve74]

For me, personally, I'm not looking for a new relationship.  This one really took a lot out of me.  I don't want to commit to anybody else.  There's been interest expressed, but I'm not looking for anything at the moment.  I don't want to rebound and get caught up in someone.  I still love my exBPDgf very much.  It wouldn't be fair for me to pretend I'm ready for something romantic.

For me, its more about focusing on myself and keeping myself healthy right now.  I went through the grieving stage, the anger stage, and now I'm really at peace. 

I won't let it become constant contact.  We have recycled before, and I know that happens from breaking the NC.  I do not want to recycle.  My plan is to live my life, let her work on herself, and if somewhere down the line it is a healthy option, we can try again.  I'm not holding my breath.  Chances are she hung up the phone with me and called a different ex.  I'm no dumby with her coping skills.

It sounds like you are very self aware and that you have learned a lot and grown a lot. 

[babyducks]

  I told her that I think it is great she is back in DBT, but that in general, I didn't want to have this conversation right now, and that maybe someday we could talk, but not today.

Wow Morrison,  I think this line was absolutely brilliant.  As I was reading along I did a high five to you.  What a compassionate, honest, respectful approach.

My EX continues to reach out to me, in various ways, some pretty subtle.   And I am struggling with my responses and reactions.   I am trying to find the moral high ground, wherever that is, and climb up there.   

I don't want to do or say anything to further damage either one of us.  And having that as a goal is a good thing.   I know I am not yet in control of my emotions when I see her, and I am not yet able to have a calm conversation with her.

babyducks

[Morrison11]

Learning-

Its amazing how much you can learn about yourself from being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  If nothing else, I'm happy for the lessons this relationship & breakup(s) have taught me. 

Babyducks-

It is good that you know where you are at with how you feel about talking to her, even if the reality is that you aren't equipped to do it  yet in a calm fashion.  The best thing to do is take it day by day, come to this site for support if you get the urge to dial her number.  Pour out your emotions here, or to your support system.

The fact that you don't want to damage you OR her any further is very selfless.  You have the right intent with keeping your responses minimal.  It sounds like you really do care about your ex, and that in your current state, having constant contact would just hurt you both.  When you struggle or feel weak, remind yourself that you are a person with great intent, and that you should keep doing what you're doing in order to help yourself, and help the ex that you love.  By doing this, you are only bettering your chances of reaching the point of someday being able to have a calm conversation with her.  Stay strong!

[eyvindr]

Ducks --

This pretty much sums up where I am, too:

I don't want to do or say anything to further damage either one of us.  And having that as a goal is a good thing.   I know I am not yet in control of my emotions when I see her, and I am not yet able to have a calm conversation with her.

For the past week, my exBPDfg has launched a pretty much continual stream of electronic attempts to reach me - not a single one of which I've responded to. Her txts and emails swing wildly between vicious attacks, self-pity and sentimental "remember when we"-type vignettes. It's become easier for me to ignore the highly negative sh!t, mainly b/c she did the same thing a year ago, when we split up before for 2 months. Not that some of the words don't still hurt me, and generate angry feelings -- but I'm able to remember that none of it is based in objective reality. It's all the world contaminated by BPD.

Harder for me to ignore are the sweet emails -- because that's the person I fell in love with, and still love deeply. But I am able still to remember that it's still BPD at work -- that the actual person that I love is the same one who is sending me the mean messages and emails. And that ANY response I could make will never make it directly through to my love's psyche -- even if I'm the one saying it, it still has to pass through the toxic fields of BPD, without a HAZMAT suit -- meaning that it's anyone's guess as to what shape it will "arrive" in once it reaches her frontal lobe. Or, if it did make it through, it'd be mercilessly dissected once it got there.

She'll either take it wrong, and be hurt by it, or she'll take it wrong and use it to attack me anew. Any contact is lose/lose, and I have no desire to hurt her in any way. She does enough of that on her own, sadly. Honestly, the best thing I can do for both of us is to take care of myself. (she'd have a field day with that statement... .)

[Morrison11]

Ey-

I think you're in a situation that all of us get stuck in after the breakup.  We want to believe that they are out there, being that beautiful person that we fell in love with.  And then reality hits us, and we realize that they are out there living with their BPD traits flared.  It's hard to minimize the amazing feelings we felt for our exBPDs, but its absolutely necessary to never forget that there is bad with the good.  Sometimes, the bad seriously outweighs the good.

For me, since my ex cheated on me with one particular person more than once while we were together, that was my biggest boundary.  After our most recent breakup, she told me that she wasn't going to run back to this person, not only because she didn't want to, but because she "knew it would break my heart and that would break her's in return".  I thought, wow, that means the world to me.  This particular person she would go to, she always described it as non-sexual, simply pure validation.  So her saying she wouldn't showed me she was not going to seek validation & also that she would not take an action that would break me down any further.

Guess what?  She went back, .  I have to laugh at myself for this one.  How could I think for a second that she wouldn't?  We've been broken up for a month, and she went straight back after our break up to this person.  When I answered her call the other night, I asked about it and she raged at me.  She basically told me that *I* was messed up for not highlighting the strides she made (getting back into DBT), and focusing on her going back to this person.  She has since told me that she stopped talking to the other one ever since she called me.  Push & pull in full effect.  This is why I'm keeping NC.  She clearly is going to always go back and forth with me and the other one.

It never ends, does it?

[eyvindr]

It never ends, does it?

Sure doesn't seem to, Morrison. Honestly can't fathom how they find it acceptable to live that way. It has to be an utterly exhausting, empty and miserable existence. How could it not be?

In my case, there wasn't any cheating -- thought there were some fabricated and immature triangulation attempts to make me jealous. What I can't accept is the continual emotional roller coaster, the anxiety-driven unfounded worries and accusations, which further fuel the anxiety. I have no interest in being in a r-ship with anyone -- platonic or otherwise -- in which I am continually required to explain myself, justify my actions, apologize for things I didn't do, or anticipate someone else's subconscious fears.