OC and financial mismanagement as symptom?

[Asa]

Hi! This seemed like the best place to post this question: I read somewhere, in one of the articles here, that someone who is either clueless about finances, or hides spending habits, or money, may be BPD.

I was married to a man who would spend every dime he earned, and then max his credit card. We couldn't have a joint account because if he saw any balance in it, he would upgrade his computer, or buy a larger TV. Without consulting me that the money was gone. I was forever juggling the budget to front his bounced checks or cover his credit card, living on peanut butter sandwiches while he ate a full lunch at the local culinary college restaurant. My mom called it abuse by financial control and manipulation, but I don't trust her or her opinion.

My husband was also obsessive compulsive about tidiness, and was always throwing my things away. The most sickening was an old woven Persian/Oriental rug, a gift from my aunt, that I now see comparables being sold for over $10,000. He said it was old and frayed and he didn't like it.

I was just wondering because my relationships have either been with BPD or NPD's, and I had considered him not one. I was also thinking my last bf of 1.5 years wasn't, but his anger issues and irrational behavior may be. I keep thinking they're not, but seem to end up with one anyway.

How do I break this cycle or just quit dating all together?

[Want2know]

The irresponsible spending is not necessarily a sole trait of someone with BPD/NPD, however, there is the deeper meaning behind that which points to impulsive or risky behavior, which is a sign of the disorder.

From the DSM (see article: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a103.htm):

For BPD to be diagnosed, at least five of the following signs and symptoms must be present:

* Intense fears of abandonment

* A pattern of unstable relationships

* Unstable self-image

* Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors

* Suicidal behavior or self-injury

* Wide mood swings

* Chronic feelings of emptiness

* Inappropriate anger

* Periods of paranoia and loss of contact with reality

[thinkingthinking]

If he has some of the other symptoms, I would definitely consider the spending as part of the "impulsivity" and "chronic feelings of emptiness".  My soon-to-be ex was constantly buying large items (boats, big screen TV's, land) and it would make him temporarily "filled up".  Eventually this turned into gambling as well.  It is one of the things that was a big contributor to the end of our marriage.  As with you, I was so stressed by having to constantly manage the debt while thinking about saving for college, etc for our kids. 

This, combined with mood swings and other symptoms, is very tough. 

I would really recommend a good counselor if you don't already have one.  Sometimes adapting to this behavior creeps up over time, but I believe there is something in us that lacks self-respect or self-love if we are repeatedly in this situation.  One of the worst things my H could say to me was that I was being "selfish" or "only thinking about myself".  I'm slowly learning that it is okay to take care of myself, and good to step back and tell people "no" once in awhile.

[Asa]

All of this is so eye-opening, yet frightening at the same time. I am reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and jumped to the chapter on the Queen, because the earlier description in the book described my mother so well. The descriptions of Mary Todd Lincoln's behavior suggests, yes, possibly; regarding the financial overindulgence issue. My exH would not rage, just go completely silent, not discussing difficult matters, then, when I exhausted myself from trying to engage conversation, he would tell me I needed to talk to a counselor since I had such a problem with [whatever the issue was]. A weird twist on the trait of a BPD, but something I am exploring/wondering about. I wonder how many people are actually not BPD. I myself can claim co-dependency traits, and so hopeful to not find BPD traits. I am doing a soul-searching evaluation of myself and everyone in my life, and feeling quite scared about what I'm seeing.

[PrettyPlease]

I am doing a soul-searching evaluation of myself and everyone in my life, and feeling quite scared about what I'm seeing.

Congratulations!     Seriously, I agree it's a shock (I found unmistakable signs of BPD/NPD in my parents, and then, yikes, several of my past intimate partners and close friends too... .) -- but what this discovery leads to is a better place. Part of this place is understanding how our co-dependency (or enabling, or covert narcissism, or emotional deprivation, etc.) plays a part in the dance. That's the part we control. The other part is out of control; the person with the PD -- certainly out of our control and probably out of their control also (although some of them will recover; but not most).

And this relates to your question about quitting dating, which might not be a bad idea until you've got all the pieces of the puzzle. Then you can start again and be more sure of your outcome.  I took a few years off and now feel I'm ready to start again. But slowly.  

Like you, I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and I got a great deal out of it. I'd recommend also "The Narcissistic Family", which I found just as valuable; it's a way of describing any family that puts the parents needs ahead of those of the children. The writers of this book know their stuff. Gave me several things I didn't get anywhere else.

There's also "Reinventing Your Life" by Young and Klosko, which I found useful for figuring out what my 'narcissistic family' had created in me -- what sorts of lacks and triggers I had developed in compensation.


PP