Thinking back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been thinking about leaving and have posted on these boards multiple times up until now most of what I shared has been what I would call incoherent.  I have had some time to look back at my relationship and really see what was happening and I wanted to share a story that I think sums it up completely. 

This year I had a great weekend and gift planned for our anniversary.  I was trying to surprise her with what I had planned so leading up to the day I began to pretend that I had forgotten, while secretly' I was preparing a wonderful time for us.  I think this is normal to give someone a gift is to pretend that you intend to do something different.  Well after she learned that I had "forgotten" our day she became silent, and nasty to me being really evil I would say.  The rages, verbal abuse and everything really notched up to new levels.  Now I had prepared all sorts of things from the perfect gift to a weekend away for us.  This is where it gets weird, well at the time I thought it was weird or even unusual.  Now knowing better I know it as normal.  When the day came and I surprised her with everything that I planned, she was actually still mad at me because she had set it in her head that I would disappoint her and even when I didn't in reality, the reality had nothing to do with it.  Because she felt I would she believed I did... .

I guess this is a metaphor for my relationship where her reality was more powerful than the real reality.  She still holds it against me to this day for letting her believe I had forgotten... .

I shared this just in case this story may resonate with someone else.

[Knowingishalf]

I have been thinking about leaving and have posted on these boards multiple times up until now most of what I shared has been what I would call incoherent.  I have had some time to look back at my relationship and really see what was happening and I wanted to share a story that I think sums it up completely. 

This year I had a great weekend and gift planned for our anniversary.  I was trying to surprise her with what I had planned so leading up to the day I began to pretend that I had forgotten, while secretly' I was preparing a wonderful time for us.  I think this is normal to give someone a gift is to pretend that you intend to do something different.  Well after she learned that I had "forgotten" our day she became silent, and nasty to me being really evil I would say.  The rages, verbal abuse and everything really notched up to new levels.  Now I had prepared all sorts of things from the perfect gift to a weekend away for us.  This is where it gets weird, well at the time I thought it was weird or even unusual.  Now knowing better I know it as normal.  When the day came and I surprised her with everything that I planned, she was actually still mad at me because she had set it in her head that I would disappoint her and even when I didn't in reality, the reality had nothing to do with it.  Because she felt I would she believed I did... .

I guess this is a metaphor for my relationship where her reality was more powerful than the real reality.  She still holds it against me to this day for letting her believe I had forgotten... .

I shared this just in case this story may resonate with someone else.

[bauers220]

The perception vs reality is always distorted.  Mine was famous for blowing everything out of proportion each time she had her rage at me.  One time she even told me that a few people had come to her and told her things I said about her.  Last month I brought it up on a day when she was into this whole "truth telling" thing and she said "I lied... .I was mad."  Seriously?  She didn't speak to me for 19 days back when she lied about this... .her anger was really because she broke up with me, I met a woman and actually invited her to a gig to meet in person... .and while it never went anywhere cause there was no attraction... .when we got back together I didn't tell her about it.  She finds out months later when SHE meets this same woman online.

For the record my ex has begun looking for my replacement - AGAIN - she does this all the time... .3 days since I told her I was done and she's out there acting like she's over me... .and ready to find "the one"... .mind you she is married and not in an open relationship... .another lie she told me back when we met - that he was fine with her need for a GF.  Once I was in love with her she came clean with me.  My husband did know... .hers did not... .and the games were under way.

The day I told her blow by blow what it was like on my end - her leaving me all the time... .she flat out said she didn't agree with my view on how things were... .Honest to God I wonder... .

And I wonder if they remember all of what they do as well.  The emails she sent to another woman - behind my back for months - I saw them in June... .and she says - "honestly I do not remember all of what I said.  Maybe I was drunk... .I just don't know but I'm sorry if you were hurt by it."  Maddening