Confronting Your SO If You Suspect BPD?

[Turkish]

A few weeks ago, she threatened to keep the kids more, because she couldn't stand being away from them for more than a few days (again, that is about her, not them). I backed off, but said 50/50, or we go to court to fight it, but that I was flexible. I was extremely mad and threw out that I thought she had BPD. She admitted that it scared the #$ out of her when I said that, because she has known that she has something else wrong with her other than her diagnosed depression (about which she flat out refused to try meds... .that scares her, admitting she needs external help). Over a month ago, she told me she didn't love me anymore, and couldn't be with me or "do this" anymore, but then I found out there was another man (or men), which was devastating to me, especially since we were living in the same house and I was providing for her, I felt totally a chump and being used.

She still feels as if she did nothing wrong, and although on some intellectual level she knows she needs to sort things out in her head, but most of this is all me "I never wanted it to end this way!" (which means it was always in the back of her mind... .another cycle she's been though before, though I was her longest relationship, and we have two kids; this is also not taking ownership of her actions). I was thinking of referring her to this site and reading a few things which fit her and even our relationship perfectly. I found some notes she has been writing to herself (at this point, I have everything and nothing to lose... .I wasn't snooping through her stuff, she just isn't being hard about hiding things). I already see her cycling through the end of a two month affair with the new guy... ."I feel you distant already, and it scares me... ." etc... .Classic. Her previous entry was that she thought therapy was helping me (again, it's me), but that she didn't love me.

My question at this point is (and I will take judgement for being slightly devious, but at this point I am trying to save our family), has anyone had any positive success with confronting the SO with a layperson's diagnosis, especially when that person has told you flat out that they don't love you anymore? She says she hasn't left because our kids are there, but I told her right away that when she gets a place, we can work out 50/50 split time. She is so wrapped up in her black hole of pain and emptiness at this point, she, of course, is not thinking clearly... .She still "wants to be friends" and all of that control BS... .To tell the truth, if it weren't for the kids, I'd cut it off cold turkey, but that's my issue. Thanks for any advice.

Turkish

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[eeyore]

Someone else asked the same question in the last week. I have been looking for this Workshop.

Here's a link to telling someone that you think they have BPD.  Generally, it's not recommended. 

   

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

On another subject, how are you able to cope with her saying she no longer loves you.  That's got to hurt?

[Turkish]

Thanks Eyeore. I will look at the link. Of course it hurts, but when I found out about the cheating, it was devastating, and still is because she has made no effort to move out and it is still going on. It may be unhealthy, but I have been reading her journal thoughts on this (it's not a file, just a cntrl+v to see what she has been writing). She things I am being fixed in therapy, and that she knows I love her in my "own way", but is totally enamored of the new guy, who sounds like he has issues of his own. Let those two black holes circle around and rescue her... .I have to protect my kids. She doesn't know what love is, she just wants to "be in love." Love is sitting with her through 20+ hours of hard labor from two hard pregnancies and not leaving her side, suffering with her. Not pawning off parental responsibilities on her. Getting up very morning at 6-6:30 on weekends to take care of the baby and then the toddler because I thought she needed an extra hour or two of sleep. Getting her through severe depressive episodes, and while resenting it myself, getting through several ruined holidays and one ruined Christmas. Loving her despite the emotional abuse... .and here my love may have a co-dependant component which I need to self-examine... .putting off my own needs and wants to manage a household for all of us, accepting the faults of her very damaged family and being a part of it (which I guarantee her family will never accept the "new guy", because I know they love me and of course our children). I was the most stable thing in her whole life besides her family, even with their recurring traumas, and she's thrown it away, abandoned me before I could abandon her, which she always accused of me ("you won't leave, cheat or beat me, will you?". At least I know what to look for in the beginning and run the other way. I guess that is something... .but the biggest something is two beautiful children, creations that come from something so dysfunctional.

[CodependentHusband]

I'm sorry you and your wife and family are going through a hard time. I have a slightly different point of reference here, but I think that what I have learned in the past 2 years gives me some clarity on the issue that i can share with you. Clarity that I didn't have at the time, because, little did I know, despite my best efforts, was simply not possible for me to have.

My wife, very much like your description of your wife, has expressed many times that something is not quite right with her. She has always thought that it was an issue with panic attacks. On my end, I saw a lot of raging, inappropriate anger, and an inability to control her emotions... .that is, in between times when things seemed wonderful, or at least 'okay.' Anyway, I pressured her to see a psychiatrist and discussed the issue with her family. Based on the detailed history provided to the psychiatrist from her father and sister, going back over 40 years, he was able to provide a preliminary diagnosis of BPD fairly quickly. Sounds good, right? Well, it was good initially in that she seemed to be ready to fight this and try therapy or whatever it took to get some relief from this.

Unfortunatly, her resolve was short lived, and within 2 months she not only quit going to any of her appointments, she went into full-blown denial. Lasting negative impacts have included her feeling resentment for me pressuring her to go to a psychiatrist... .In addition to her feeling betrayed by me talking to her family about her issues. I know now that she is right... .She shouldn't have to worry about feeling like her family is conspiring against her (even though we all want what is best for her).

On the up side, I got a name for the condition which helped a lot as I've been able to learn a lot about how to best deal with all of this. My marriage is nothing like I expected or ever wanted, but I still love her. I've got less reason to stay than you, and, maybe I should have left, but I'm glad that I haven't left.

Instictively now, I know what would have happened if I would have found out about her BPD in a different way and would have told her that I thought she had it... .I have good reason to believe that those same feelings of resentment, inferiority, and anger on her part would have been there, but would have had slightly different drivers. Many people here have described how clearly they understand this now, but it seems that they had to try... .maybe as a part of the acceptance... .It's definitely easier to accept what we cannot change when we KNOW FOR SURE that we cannot change something.

I don't come to this site much because I don't need it as much as I used to. My wife has had some dysregulation today and started blowing up at me. I find myself returning here during times like this... .often I find that it reminds me of just how much progress I have made and how my marriage is much better than it used to be. Not only that, I've found that my wife's episodes tend to be less intense and pass quicker than they used to.



Hang in there... .work the tools here, and don't give up yet. I usually offer some specific advice on exactly what tool might be helpful at any given time when I reply to posts here, but in this particular case, I just want to tell you that even with her possibly having an affair (an issue that can be a side effect of the illness, more so than an outright rejection of your marriage as a whole), there is something about you that has kept her around for so many years. It may be that she can't or won't admit what you mean to her, but it doesn;t mean it is over unless one of you actually leaves... .and even then, there is hope. Hang in there and try to take care of yourself better. You're going to find that other things will improve, seemingly automatically, after the adjustments are made.

[A Dad]

Hi Turkish,

It's too late over here to write a long response... .

but I am in exactly the same situation as you are... read my earlier posts through my profile or my intro post.

I am just going to marriage counceling hoping that this will lead to her diagnosis eventually. Otherwise I am almost coming to the acceptance that the woman I loved and married is no longer there. The best I can do is protect myself and my two kids.

Good luck buddy, hopefully I can catch up on this later and share more.

[Pilpel]

In all the time I've been on this board, I don't think I've ever heard of someone being receptive to being told they might be BPD.  I tried to talk to my sil about BPD.  She was polite but not really receptive.  In the last year, she has started using reflective listening -which is basically what SWOES suggests.  And it's really made a big difference in communicating with her.  But otherwise, she's very much in the mentality that she's always the victim of other people's faults, and she's completely oblivious to how she upsets and hurts others, oblivious to how much people put up with when they interact with her.  People have been "avoiding" and confronting her for years, but rather than acknowledge what she does to cause people to respond to her that way she sees the avoidance and confrontation as just more hurt others inflict on her. 

[Turkish]

So basically no. I hope she didn't go through my son's e-reader this weekend on their trip, because two books on it are there. Have to file or archive them, and keep it on mine.

The therapist today talked about disintegration, and that is what he said she is right now from the stories I have told him and their one session together. Makes total sense, the lack of identity thing with BPD, or those with BPD tendencies. He defining her self through her kids (by guilt, thinking she is a "bad mother" in her black and white world when normal things happen as they do with kids, gaslighting me by trying to lump me in also as we are "bad parents" (No, I don't think so!)), her extreme co-dependent relationship with her family, having taken on a mother role for her two youngest siblings... .the sole emotional support, almost, for her mother; her the "responsible one" of her siblings, and her parents spoiling the heck out of her brothers (somewhat a cultural issue). If I were on the outside, it would be a sad, but fascinating case. It's hard to think that way, though, since I am the one circling the event horizon of her black hole. Listened to Don Henly's Heart of the Matter this weekend. Never really payed attention to the lyrics much, but I think it's somewhere I need to think about going if/when this ends... .as one friend, who went through something eerily similar 15 years ago, said, you will have a 50 year relationship with this women since you have kids together. Better know at some point that it needs to heal. -Turkish

[briefcase]

Yeah, basically we don't recommend telling someone you think they have BPD.  It's been tried many times by members here over the years.  I think the best approach is to focus on the behaviors and issues, rather than a diagnosis or label.

It sounds like you are close to leaving, are you interested in learning about some of the tools we use over here on the Staying Board?  Many members have dealt with, or are dealing with, similar issues to the ones you face. 

[Turkish]

It sounds like you are close to leaving, are you interested in learning about some of the tools we use over here on the Staying Board?  Many members have dealt with, or are dealing with, similar issues to the ones you face. 

Well, she is living in my house, and I have the stable environment for the kids; it is she that is leaving. I did see her log onto the utility website to get it changed into my name, but she didn't tell me she did it, so I know some part of her is fighting, even though she says she doesn't love me anymore, etc... .just the co-dependent fairy tale romance she is conducting with some punk--- that fragment of her. 90% of me wants her to just go and leave me alone, though that won't be possible because we will co-parent. I will check out the other board soon when I have time. She is going to see the therapist again this week, and me the day after, so I will talk to him to see if he sees any more "blades of grass" from her. But he said that at some point I need to tell her that if she is going to stay, I can't stay with half a person, or less, while she conducts something on the side. I know her better than anybody in the world, and all of the behaviors and facets of her personality have come together in one big messed up mosaic.