Progress but I took a few steps back

[Mike76]

My uBPDw now has a diagnoses.   She has not yet told be it is BPD, but has only said "I have at diagnoses, and these or the systems".     I saw a copy of a book her T, have her "Living with BPD".  The rewrote several pages of the book in her own words and gave that to me.  My wife still does not know I ever even heard the words B.P.D.

She covered many of the symptoms, but only her version of them.   I know this is progress, but painfully so to me.

When issues, fights, disagreements happen between us... .it now goes this way.       She talks\rants... .When I provide my own opinion it am told the following.   I now have a diagnoses, and things effect me than you.  So because I have this diagnoses you should stay quite.   Please keep your opinion to yourself, you need to do this because I am your wife, I have this diagnoses, and things effect me more.

I asked if I could ask questions, about the paper work, letter, or with the symptoms she wrote me. She got very upset I proposed this idea.   She told me she does not like the official term, so it is just a diagnoses.  She also said I admitted the parts that do not fit me.    She also said she changed some of the terms to something she likes better.

Much of the problem I is she is almost holding me hostage because of a diagnoses... .  She says "You can not say that because I have diagnoses".   "You can not feel that way because I have a diagnoses"

Any input you great people out there.

PS.  She has given her diagnoses 3-4 months ago.   It was just last last week she shared details with me. Before that I was just told I have a diagnoses, and I do the like unexpected things.

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[committed]

Mike,

It sounds like maybe she is struggling a bit with the diagnosis; maybe not completely accepting it yet. My suggestion would be for you to be supportive, let her deal with the issues with her therapist and don't ask questions or offer opinions. She may feel as those you are invalidating what she is feeling. Just tell her you love her and are there for her if she'd like to talk about anything. If that happens, listen, show her support, but again don't offer opinions. It takes a lot for anyone to accept the fact that they may have a mental illness, but I suspect for a person with BPD, it's 100 times worse.

Your wife is way ahead of many of the loved ones we discuss on this board if she is will to see a therapist and start dealing with the issue. Just go with the flow and show her you support her. In time, it should get better.

[briefcase]

You might want to focus on validation and communication tools right now, as she adjusts to this diagnosis.  This will benefit both of you.  She'll feel less triggered and more heard when it comes to her emotions, and it will give you a way to express yourself in a way that allows you to know that are being supportive of her.

In the end, her diagnosis is not a valid reason for you to walk on eggshells around her.  She needs to work on how she hears things and reacts, you need to work on how you say things and not JADEing when she reacts poorly.  :)on't let her diagnosis be a muzzle for you, but be patient.