How to Heal after Infidelity

[Free One]

One thing I am still stuck on (2 years out) is the infidelity that occurred in our marriage. I know there was sexual and emotional infidelity committed by my uBPDexh, but I don't know many details (not that I want to). There were multiple affairs, some occurring at the same time.

I get stuck on unwanted thoughts and flashbacks. Imagining things that may have occurred. It makes me sick to my stomach. It all still hurts. We started dating so young, I thought we were each other's only sexual partners. It's still heartbreaking to think of the lies. I don't even know how long he was unfaithful - maybe always?

I need some resources on how to deal with this and work through it. I do have a T and am working on EMDR with her, but I'd love to hear of some books or something to get me through the other times.

[DreamGirl]

 

Glad that you're working on this in therapy.

It's traumatic - having your trust broken in this way is one of the most devastating occurences you can ever have happen to you.

So don't be too hard on yourself thinking that you are "stuck". It's difficult for anyone to move past.

It's funny that you say it makes you sick to your stomach. That's where we tend to "react". I found it hard to breathe - I remember it literally taking my breath away. EMDR will help you in that definitely.  There is still attachment to it if you're still reacting so strongly.

How do you think this is hindering you in the now? No dating yet probably? Trust issues?

[seeking balance]

I need some resources on how to deal with this and work through it. I do have a T and am working on EMDR with her, but I'd love to hear of some books or something to get me through the other times.

First off - good job on the T and EMDR - this will help.

The negative images flashing, I really had to train my mind/body to not dwell there - focus on gratitude or some other practice that was positive to redirect the thoughts.

For me... .I had to dig deep into a spiritual place for forgiveness.   The single best book that helped me for this was The Shack.  I am not necessarily a religious person, but  I have a fundamental spiritual base and I can find the good in all faiths actually.  There is a part in the book specifically about judging and forgiveness -  it is a story format, but the process of the main character's journey through to forgiveness hit me hard.

It will get better and you will learn to trust others and yourself again.   

Peace,

SB

[Free One]

How do you think this is hindering you in the now? No dating yet probably? Trust issues?

I feel it's hindering me because I can't let it go, can't get to a place of forgiveness or resolution. I read that if you can't forgive, it's because you are still wanting something from that person. I think that is it. I was with my ex for 17 years. It was the only r/s I have had. It's been two years since I've left, but love doesn't die that easy. I don't want to get back together with him, but there is a lot of grief still associated with the loss of the r/s and the fact that he was my best friend. It feels like he died to me, but I still have to see him  (we share a son) and I see his girlfriends and hear about them from son. I am having a hard time reconciling how someone who loved you could hurt you so bad.

I do have trust issues, even with my friends, so no dating. It's a combination of the trust issues, very little time to meet people and really working on my r/s with my son right now. I just don't have any desire to date.

[Free One]

I need some resources on how to deal with this and work through it. I do have a T and am working on EMDR with her, but I'd love to hear of some books or something to get me through the other times.

First off - good job on the T and EMDR - this will help.

The negative images flashing, I really had to train my mind/body to not dwell there - focus on gratitude or some other practice that was positive to redirect the thoughts.

For me... .I had to dig deep into a spiritual place for forgiveness.   The single best book that helped me for this was The Shack.  I am not necessarily a religious person, but  I have a fundamental spiritual base and I can find the good in all faiths actually.  There is a part in the book specifically about judging and forgiveness -  it is a story format, but the process of the main character's journey through to forgiveness hit me hard.

It will get better and you will learn to trust others and yourself again.   

Peace,

SB

Thanks. I have heard of the Shack, but I have never read it because it came out the same time a horrendous child abduction/rape/murder case in our area was in court and the details were all over the news. It involved a shack in the woods and I have tied the two together. Are there any of those kinds of themes in the Shack?

[seeking balance]

It involved a shack in the woods and I have tied the two together. Are there any of those kinds of themes in the Shack?

This is a part of the book - but not focused on the vivid like a media case.

However, it may trigger you if you have experienced this sort of trauma.

[Cumulus]

Hi free one, no words of advice or help just some love going to you. I was in a marriage I thought was monogamous for thirty five years, now two and a half years out. I did know about one affair about twenty years into the marriage. Our daughter told me  :'( He was so sorry, just a one time thing, he wasn't thinking, it was a mid life crisis, I was the world to him, he couldn't live without me and I believed. When the end of the marriage came I found out about many affairs. Like you I wondered, and I do believe, that they were pretty much ongoing from the very beginning. So what does that do to your feelings of trust? It ripped my trust to shreds. For a long time I didn't even want to trust again. About a year after the separation my lawyer got me to watch Brene Browns TED talk and later that year I found her book " Daring Greatly". Like many who post here I found it challenged me.  To take my life back and live it for myself. A huge part of reclaiming my life has been to want to trust again and allowing myself to do that. It isn't easy. I am in a relationship now, my first since I left my xBPDh. Last night as he was holding me my heart said, I feel safe here in the circle of his arms. Seconds later my head chimed in with, yeah, you thought that before didn't you. Be strong, you don't need anyone else.

So, yes I am still struggling with the trust issue. For me it is somewhat about learning to feel with my heart and allowing that to overcome the negative thoughts that try to crowd into my head. Still, I need to stay thinking and aware, first vetting anyone new in my life before I allow myself to think heart first.

Live up to your name free one. I wish you happiness and joy and freedom. Cumulus.

[Waddams]

I think the deepest wound after experiencing a spouse's infidelity is from just how devaluing it is.  I think the key is realize that a spouse's choice to cheat is not in any way related to the cheated on partner or the relationship.  If there are personal flaws or relationship problems, then the correct way to deal with it is to address it with your partner, or end the relationship and move on.  The choice to cheat is solely about the cheater's issues.

Either the cheater is unable to address their relationship issues, or they are on the entitlement spectrum thinking they can get away with it simply because they want to.  Either way, it's a very selfish act.  Realizing what cheating is, though, is what sets a betrayed partner free.  You realize it had nothing to do with you.  There's nothing wrong with you.  There's something wrong with them, despite whatever bu!$h!t excuses they gave for their behavior.

At least that's how it worked after my XW's affair for me.  Not everyone is the same.  One thing I do know is don't try to push yourself to heal.  You can't make it happen any faster than you're ready, so be patient with yourself.  You deserve that!

[patientandclear]

  Free One.  I have been struggling with traumatic reactions to betrayal too, for the past two years.  I felt so safe, I trusted, I thought we were so special to him, that he cherished me, and us.  It was amazing feeling.  It was largely false.  The implications have really torn me apart.

After my initial talk therapist (bless her) recognized my reaction as trauma, I tried EMDR, to little effect. I've learned since that EMDR is conceived as a method for processing a traumatic incident.  Relational trauma may be difficult to deal with in that way.  If it is working for you, that's wonderful, but if not, there are two other recognized trauma treatment approaches  you may want to look into.  I started sensorimotor psychotherapy at the urging of a friend who is a therapist, was trained in it, had some profound shifts in processing long-ago trauma herself after experiencing it.  I've had two sessions and I have to say I have found it more useful -- it has moved me further -- than two years of talk therapy.

And then I am also exploring Lifespan Integration therapy with another friend who is a therapist, just was trained in this technique, and wanted to practice on a free client/patient   I have found it, too, to unlock things that have been profoundly illuminating, about my inability to reject those who hurt me in a context where I am supposed to be able to trust.  I try and try and try to redeem the trust, to reverse the outcome.  Like you say, I still want something from the person.  Lifespan Integration seems promising to me, in trying to get to the bottom of that & find a way to truly heal the injury.