Oddest "recycle" attempt ever...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Long story short, my uBPDw asked me to move out a few weeks ago after a long drawn out crisis started by me catching her in an emotional affair.

At this point I'd still like to fix things if we can as we have two young children, but the atmosphere in the house is toxic and we both need some space. So I started the process of moving out/separating- separated our finances (she said this was sneaky, even though I told her I was doing it), saw a lawyer to get a visitation agreement worked out (she said this broke her heart and that we shouldn't need a lawyer- and then that I was mean for asking for more time with the kids than she wanted to give me), and have started looking for an apartment to live in (again, I'm breaking her heart by abandoning her).

Anyway, after a few days of getting the cold shoulder I get a text from her saying that work is unbearable right now and that she wants to cut back her hours, but doesn't know what to do because of the pending separation. Keep in mind that I'm the primary breadwinner but she makes very good money and a bone of contention for her in the past has been the fact that I don't value her job/contribution enough because I told her that she was welcome to work as much or as little as she wants.

So now that we're about to separate her job is suddenly too much for her. My first take was either that she was angling to get more $$ in a potential divorce and/or was making the strangest recycle attempt ever. At this point I almost hope its the former and not the latter, but I suspect its actually an attempt to reach out. Which raises the rather unpleasant thought that she'll start to try to repair things right as I'm on the way out the door.

[CS4Ever]

Long story short, my uBPDw asked me to move out a few weeks ago after a long drawn out crisis started by me catching her in an emotional affair.

At this point I'd still like to fix things if we can as we have two young children, but the atmosphere in the house is toxic and we both need some space. So I started the process of moving out/separating- separated our finances (she said this was sneaky, even though I told her I was doing it), saw a lawyer to get a visitation agreement worked out (she said this broke her heart and that we shouldn't need a lawyer- and then that I was mean for asking for more time with the kids than she wanted to give me), and have started looking for an apartment to live in (again, I'm breaking her heart by abandoning her).

Anyway, after a few days of getting the cold shoulder I get a text from her saying that work is unbearable right now and that she wants to cut back her hours, but doesn't know what to do because of the pending separation. Keep in mind that I'm the primary breadwinner but she makes very good money and a bone of contention for her in the past has been the fact that I don't value her job/contribution enough because I told her that she was welcome to work as much or as little as she wants.

So now that we're about to separate her job is suddenly too much for her. My first take was either that she was angling to get more $$ in a potential divorce and/or was making the strangest recycle attempt ever. At this point I almost hope its the former and not the latter, but I suspect its actually an attempt to reach out. Which raises the rather unpleasant thought that she'll start to try to repair things right as I'm on the way out the door.

[eeyore]

So now that we're about to separate her job is suddenly too much for her. My first take was either that she was angling to get more $$ in a potential divorce and/or was making the strangest recycle attempt ever.

Most likely both.  Please protect yourself. 

[momtara]

You wrote:

"At this point I'd still like to fix things if we can as we have two young children"

Sounds like you are at a point where maybe you can fix things.  If you let the situation get worse, you might not be able to.

But you also are at a crossroads.  Instead of dealing with lawyers, maybe you can meet in mediation and agree on some aspects of a temporary separation to see how things go.   You can work out parenting time and other motions and just not have them be attatched to a divorce.

I think you have to figure out what you really want - to break up, or just force her to get counseling, or a legal separation, or what.  Otherwise, you do risk losing her.  Which may happen in the end anyway.

[CS4Ever]

I think my preference is something along the lines of your suggestion momtara. A 'managed' separation that will give us both time to calm down while we see a marriage counselor. This is something she has agreed to in principle and even suggested at one point, but each time I make a concrete move towards what she says she wants it seems to further escalate the situation.

My biggest concern at this point is that whatever we agree to in terms of visitation during the separation is likely what will be formalized during any future divorce. So I have to push to get the best possible terms for the separation at the same time that I try to preserve enough good will to do counseling during the separation. That's such a hard line to walk!

[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like what you are looking for is Therapeutic Separation and we have a workshop on it!

One other bonus thought about having a T manage the separation... .the T will be working on resolving conflicts between the two of you, and might be able to mediate the custody/visitation issues some.

My other $.02 is that it sounds like she does still want to make things work with you... .but she is still disordered. So it will be challenging to you, but you do have another opportunity to make things work better.

[Aussie0zborn]

It sounds like she is not opposed to the idea of separation but still fears it as it "finalises" everything - eg: consulting a lawyer.

Whatever happens and whichever direction you take, I would think that having an exit plan ready to implement is a good idea.

I suggested to my stbx that we "shake hands and walk away" for a whole month but she was not ready for that or just didnt like the idea of letting me off so easily. She was concocting a plan to have me "dealt with" by the new guy (a recycle).  Unfortunatley for her she got drunk and let the cat out of the bag which allowed me to dodge a bulltet that night. I left with the shirt on my back and some  clothes, hence always recommeding having an exit plan in place. Good luck.