Learning to Like Me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

In the wake of my devastating marriage and breakup with my BPD wife I am learning a few things.  One is that I am getting to know the person I spend the most time with: me.  For many years I thought of her first:  "Will she like this?  I hope this doesn't upset her.  How will she react to this?  Will this impress her?" ... .so on and so forth.  Now, I am free to think of me (actually, I was always free to think of me, but I didn't).  I don't walk on eggshells anymore.  Now I have much more mental space to think about me a little more.  I can relax and not worry about offending her, setting her off, impressing her, wondering who she is in bed with... .   And guess what.  I kind of like me.  I know what I enjoy, what books I like, the music I prefer, I have my own space.  I am not a bad guy to hangout with by myself.  Unlike my ex, who frantically jumps into rebound relationships to avoid the horror of facing herself, I am doing ok on my own.  I am kind of enjoying myself.  I still hurt and feel depressed, but knowing that I will always be nearby is a bit comforting.  I am working with a therapist, getting to the meat of some of my childhood abandonment issues.  And, I have many dear friends (I have not chased them off as my BPD ex always did with her acquaintances) whom I can call anytime.  I am getting to know myself again.  And you can too   Go slow and enjoy.  There is no hurry; you will always be there. 

Fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

In the wake of my devastating marriage and breakup with my BPD wife I am learning a few things.  One is that I am getting to know the person I spend the most time with: me.  For many years I thought of her first:  "Will she like this?  I hope this doesn't upset her.  How will she react to this?  Will this impress her?" ... .so on and so forth.  Now, I am free to think of me (actually, I was always free to think of me, but I didn't).  I don't walk on eggshells anymore.  Now I have much more mental space to think about me a little more.  I can relax and not worry about offending her, setting her off, impressing her, wondering who she is in bed with... .   And guess what.  I kind of like me.  I know what I enjoy, what books I like, the music I prefer, I have my own space.  I am not a bad guy to hangout with by myself.  Unlike my ex, who frantically jumps into rebound relationships to avoid the horror of facing herself, I am doing ok on my own.  I am kind of enjoying myself.  I still hurt and feel depressed, but knowing that I will always be nearby is a bit comforting.  I am working with a therapist, getting to the meat of some of my childhood abandonment issues.  And, I have many dear friends (I have not chased them off as my BPD ex always did with her acquaintances) whom I can call anytime.  I am getting to know myself again.  And you can too   Go slow and enjoy.  There is no hurry; you will always be there. 

Fiddlestix

[froggy]

Odd thought isn't it?

I'm trying to do the same thing... .I'm still on the roller coaster for the time being. I'm hoping that after I get to know and like myself after a lifetime of self hate that I will have the courage to leave the drowning man... think he won't be happy till he takes me down with him.

Sad when it takes someone else to point out that you actually HAVE worth.

The best quote I've read lately is "you don't have to attend every argument your invited to"

My new motto

[fiddlestix]

Froggy, I like that quotation.  Thank you.  It is kind of like the new thought I am embracing:  I do not have to invest any more energy into my ex.  None.  No more.  I want to move on and focus on my health and my needs and the needs of my children (who are happier now).  And when I am feeling better perhaps I will be able to help others more effectively... .maybe find love again.  I could not help her anymore, if I ever did. 

By the way, I was once a master of the video game "Frogger" LOL.

Fiddlestix

[froggy]

Fiddlesticks

Ahh I remember frogger Oh the days of the arcades

I've realized I don't have to participate in the aguments... I can choose to take what he says personally or not. I can coose to retaliate or not.

I grew up with a father whom I'm pretty sure had BPD among other things... he was not a nice man... .so I was already groomed to be the perfect wife of a BPDh. Already had no self worth and he acted just like my father... pretty much thought that was how it was suppose to be.

I'm not 17 any more... .time to grow up and find out who I am

[fiddlestix]

Yup, I grew up with an alcoholic/absent father.  I loved him and feared him.  He threatened to leave a lot so I developed a fear of abandonment.  Then, guess what?  I grew up and married an addict woman, riddled with psychological issues: bipolar and borderline personality disorder (and all the fun and games inherent with BPD).  To be sure, we had many amazing times.  And I loved, but also feared her.  Rage, anger, moods... .I never quite knew how to just "be" around her in 23 years of marriage.  It's not all her fault; I know that.  I have issues.  But I was never mean and heartless and abusive to her.

My self esteem was prepared in childhood to end up in a doomed marriage.  Now, I am out and learning to like me.  Hey!  Maybe a good 'ol game of "Frogger" would help.  LOL

Stick around, Froggy.  Lots of good stuff on this board. 


Fiddlestix

[froggy]

Fiddlesticks

Funny how we find someone to continue the dance of our childhood.

I have warned my children to not repeat rhe cycle... my siblings who are married have all found my father... my one brother who is most like my dad found a nice girl. .she left him... he's a lot like my dad... .

After almost 33 years I'm burned out... living with someone who at best is always miserable and we all no what the worst is likek. He self medicates with alcohol. .won't quit because its the only thing that makes him happy.

No intimacy... never having a real conversation about things that matter to make life better ... no communication. .not getting my needs met in any way shape or form. Just very tired of living like this.

Have warned him that the next big blow up I'm gone... I can feel it building. .kids can feel it building... .

Been reading for a couple years. .it was just brought to my attention recently by a long term friend that it may be a bigger problem that "I" don't see I have worth rather rhan he doesn't see I have worth.

I have to address my own childhood injuries and claim my own part in this dysfunctional dance... .takes 2 to tango

[heartandwhole]

I am kind of enjoying myself.  I still hurt and feel depressed, but knowing that I will always be nearby is a bit comforting.  

There is no hurry; you will always be there. 

Fiddlestix, your words made me smile    What a wise and wonderful realization, it warms my heart.  Thank you for sharing.