realized I was in love with a stranger. Who were they?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today would of been our 2 year anniversary together. I know it's not a lot compared to many people here but hey she was a big part of my life.

I am actually scared. I got to know her more when we broke up and I started reading on BPD. Even if she does not have BPD and it's some PTSD coupled with just horrible parenting and learned behaviors, it was toxic and I came to the realization that I don't/ didn't really know who the hell she was until months after we broke up. To have a person come into your home, have sex with, share intimate moments and secrets with... .it's crazy. I shared my most intimate moments with a stranger who does not fully know her OWN SELF! The other day I glanced over her social networking sites and she has thousands of friends on there and lives up to this grand life and everyone is buying that ___. Guys see this girl who loves sex, is wild, cooks!, loves to party, has a beauty body where as, I see this scared, pathetic person who has no ability for reciprocity. I don't know I'm just ranting. It's just a scary to realize that, as cliche as it is, I was sleeping with a stranger. I was in love with a stranger, who is a stranger to themselves     

[Iamdizzy]

Today would of been our 2 year anniversary together. I know it's not a lot compared to many people here but hey she was a big part of my life.

I am actually scared. I got to know her more when we broke up and I started reading on BPD. Even if she does not have BPD and it's some PTSD coupled with just horrible parenting and learned behaviors, it was toxic and I came to the realization that I don't/ didn't really know who the hell she was until months after we broke up. To have a person come into your home, have sex with, share intimate moments and secrets with... .it's crazy. I shared my most intimate moments with a stranger who does not fully know her OWN SELF! The other day I glanced over her social networking sites and she has thousands of friends on there and lives up to this grand life and everyone is buying that ___. Guys see this girl who loves sex, is wild, cooks!, loves to party, has a beauty body where as, I see this scared, pathetic person who has no ability for reciprocity. I don't know I'm just ranting. It's just a scary to realize that, as cliche as it is, I was sleeping with a stranger. I was in love with a stranger, who is a stranger to themselves     

[HarmKrakow]

Today would of been our 2 year anniversary together. I know it's not a lot compared to many people here but hey she was a big part of my life.

I am actually scared. I got to know her more when we broke up and I started reading on BPD. Even if she does not have BPD and it's some PTSD coupled with just horrible parenting and learned behaviors, it was toxic and I came to the realization that I don't/ didn't really know who the hell she was until months after we broke up. To have a person come into your home, have sex with, share intimate moments and secrets with... .it's crazy. I shared my most intimate moments with a stranger who does not fully know her OWN SELF! The other day I glanced over her social networking sites and she has thousands of friends on there and lives up to this grand life and everyone is buying that ___. Guys see this girl who loves sex, is wild, cooks!, loves to party, has a beauty body where as, I see this scared, pathetic person who has no ability for reciprocity. I don't know I'm just ranting. It's just a scary to realize that, as cliche as it is, I was sleeping with a stranger. I was in love with a stranger, who is a stranger to themselves     

Was she a stranger? You are not the first person who has the feeling 'having slept with a wolf in sheeps clothing'. She wasn't a stranger.

Social networking and BPD go hand in hand as the BPDer likes to portray themselves as something they are not. Come to think of it, you might even joke about social media being invented by people with BPD. Showing yourself on the internet, as this great awesome person can be done out of the comfort of your own home without any risk of being screwed over (no one can see who you truly are) and only you let people in ...

Furthermore, typical online dating websites are gigant BPD infested places. And any other PD affected disease.

You tell us that you feel you don't understand who she is anymore. Like a stranger. This is often caused because someone with BPD never stays the same. When they are in relationship 1, 2, and 3, they were 3 different personalities in those 3 relationships. They adapt, they mirror, and they suck up information around you and project it on you.

You have known her, for who she was, at that certain point in life. She is not that person anymore, nor will she be. It happens.

Non-BPDer often do change, but within their character. They develop, a skill set, but mostly along the line, remain the same. That is most likely where you will fall in the category.

[PhoenixRising15]

I thought I wrote this post myself when I read it.

It's painful.

I'm processing it.  I have confidence you can too.

[ThanksForPlaying]

dizzy ... .I hear you

Absolutely beautiful, smokin' hot ... .It seems like for whatever reason, beautiful people have a higher tendency toward BPD ... .I've seen research that says the percentages are much higher in actors/models/strippers ... .don't know if there is any cause/effect or which comes first ... .but doesn't really matter ... .dangerous

[HarmKrakow]

dizzy ... .I hear you

Absolutely beautiful, smokin' hot ... .It seems like for whatever reason, beautiful people have a higher tendency toward BPD ... .I've seen research that says the percentages are much higher in actors/models/strippers ... .don't know if there is any cause/effect or which comes first ... .but doesn't really matter ... .dangerous

Is it not the other way around? High percentage under BPDers are very pretty?

[Hazelrah]

When they are in relationship 1, 2, and 3, they were 3 different personalities in those 3 relationships. They adapt, they mirror, and they suck up information around you and project it on you.

Very good point and got me thinking about my BPDw. 

During her first marriage, she supposedly molded herself to meet her exH and family's 'style'... .specifically very 'preppy' and uptight.  She always said she was uncomfortable with this.  While involved with currently recycled bfriend the first go 'round, both her attire and overall attitude turned very dark according to her accounts, almost in direct response to her former preppy persona... .he is supposedly a deeply disturbed individual, and it sounds as if she outwardly began to reflect this through her wardrobe and personality.  With me, it was probably more of a happy medium between the two... .relaxed, laid-back, etc.  I do have a handful of tattoos, and she became obsessed with body art (she didn't have any until meeting me).  She always claimed she was most comfortable with me, as I let her be herself... .in hindsight, she surely said and felt the same things before me. 


It all seems so obvious now, but I never put it all together back then.  I'm sure she's back to black eyeliner and Tool t-shirts now.  That's not a fashion judgment on my part at all, just stating the likelihood.   

[Turkish]

Was she a stranger? You are not the first person who has the feeling 'having slept with a wolf in sheeps clothing'. She wasn't a stranger.

I agree. I tell mine, just the other night in fact, that no one will ever know her like I do. No one (if not only due to having children with her, something she will never have with another man since she got herself fixed). She actually doesn't disagree. The cheating came out of left field, and I know her junior high school state of mind based on remnants of the secret messages she was sending to the other guy... .so in that, I got to know her even more. In a year or longer relationship, especially living together (mine was 6/5.5, respectively), you can't help but know them better.

As others are saying here, everything else is a facade. I saw and experienced all of the facades... .like pieces of a giant puzzle falling into place here, at the very end.

She even tried to tell me the other night that I wasn't "in tune" or "in touch" since I scoffed at trying to take meditation like she started doing. No, I don't need it. Being "in touch"... .*feh* Physician, heal thyself!

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for the replies guys! The more we understand, the more we can put behind. All we need then is 1 big lighter to burn all those ships behind us

[Hazelrah]

She even tried to tell me the other night that I wasn't "in tune" or "in touch" since I scoffed at trying to take meditation like she started doing. No, I don't need it. Being "in touch"... .*feh* Physician, heal thyself!

While I'm of the mind meditation can be helpful, the boldened portion of the comment above made me laugh out loud.  Awesome.  Thanks for that.

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you all for your replies,

I'm with harmkrakow on his take with social networking, it's unbelievable how they portray their lives. As these wild, crazy, hip, girls with these ridiculous French quotes about love. It's just crazy to think that they are never constant in their identity. We all change as time passes, however, we don't change drastically as they do. It's as if there is an identity change. 

[Turkish]

She even tried to tell me the other night that I wasn't "in tune" or "in touch" since I scoffed at trying to take meditation like she started doing. No, I don't need it. Being "in touch"... .*feh* Physician, heal thyself!

While I'm of the mind meditation can be helpful, the boldened portion of the comment above made me laugh out loud.  Awesome.  Thanks for that.

Yeah, I realize I was just talking about myself. I told her it will help her cope, which will help all of us, but it won't cure. I left her to ponder what I was saying.

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

[Hazelrah]

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

Well, that's a trigger for many of our pwBPD, isn't it? 

It's too cold to sit outside under the stars here in the Midwest tonight, but beer sounds therapeutic enough... .

[HarmKrakow]

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

Well, that's a trigger for many of our pwBPD, isn't it? 

It's too cold to sit outside under the stars here in the Midwest tonight, but beer sounds therapeutic enough... .

I wish I could sit outside with a beer, it's 1.32AM in the morning where I live (). To cold and to rainy.

[Turkish]

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

Well, that's a trigger for many of our pwBPD, isn't it? 

It's too cold to sit outside under the stars here in the Midwest tonight, but beer sounds therapeutic enough... .

Yes, indeed. I knocked it way back in the last month... .don't want her to use it against me in some custody dispute, even though I am the one documenting everything (I doubt that she is). I have been honest with my T about how much, though. Just to "document" it with someone credible. His father was an alcoholic, so I let him be the judge of what is too much. Just the weekends at night, now... .then knocking it back further after she moves out.

I'm on the middle of the Left Coast, near the ocean. Warm days now, but nights are chilly. I bundle up. Ruminate. Call friends sometimes. Then, shivering, go back inside in the am for a hot shower and sleep after she's retired. I call out back my "office" she asked me about that last week. Generational/cultural gap. Explaining The Fonz to her was like talking a foreign language, though I give her credit for listening.

[Hazelrah]

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

Well, that's a trigger for many of our pwBPD, isn't it? 

It's too cold to sit outside under the stars here in the Midwest tonight, but beer sounds therapeutic enough... .

I wish I could sit outside with a beer, it's 1.32AM in the morning where I live (). To cold and to rainy.

Have one indoors, Harm... .you deserve it!

[Hazelrah]

Yes, indeed. I knocked it way back in the last month... .don't want her to use it against me in some custody dispute, even though I am the one documenting everything (I doubt that she is). I have been honest with my T about how much, though. Just to "document" it with someone credible. His father was an alcoholic, so I let him be the judge of what is too much. Just the weekends at night, now... .then knocking it back further after she moves out.

I'm on the middle of the Left Coast, near the ocean. Warm days now, but nights are chilly. I bundle up. Ruminate. Call friends sometimes. Then, shivering, go back inside in the am for a hot shower and sleep after she's retired. I call out back my "office" she asked me about that last week. Generational/cultural gap. Explaining The Fonz to her was like talking a foreign language, though I give her credit for listening.

Yes, I knocked it back quite a bit following the start of our separation.  I will admit to it being a bit much a few times, and I'm really not much of a drinker... .but it was all way too much to absorb at first. 

Ironic that you are anxious for your SO to move out, while I was wishing mine had stayed in order to talk things through.  In hindsight, the solitary time has been enormously therapeutic.  My BPDw probably wouldn't recognize my personality after four months apart, with almost NC.

To be fair, Turk, the Fonz is an acquired taste... .

[HarmKrakow]

My thing is sitting outside at night looking at the stars... .which I am looking forward to tonight after the kids are in bed. With some beer :^) If it reminds her of her dad, so what? I'm not the abuser and the cheater.

Well, that's a trigger for many of our pwBPD, isn't it? 

It's too cold to sit outside under the stars here in the Midwest tonight, but beer sounds therapeutic enough... .

I wish I could sit outside with a beer, it's 1.32AM in the morning where I live (). To cold and to rainy.

Have one indoors, Harm... .you deserve it!

Ha, I appreciate that one

My ex was born in Poland, I remember coming there and having to drink like >60% alcohol drinks. Crazy alcoholic country.

To be honest, everyone in life deserves a second, third chance. Etc. As long as they are emphatically and rationally sorry for what they have done. Showing sorry is a willingness to change. Even people with personality disorders deserve a second chance. Not with us, the NONS, but with life, to get them self through therapy. Everyone deserves to be happy, even the mentally insane ( to their extent ).

[saw_tooth]

I'm with harmkrakow on his take with social networking, it's unbelievable how they portray their lives. As these wild, crazy, hip, girls with these ridiculous French quotes about love. It's just crazy to think that they are never constant in their identity. We all change as time passes, however, we don't change drastically as they do. It's as if there is an identity change. 

They lack a stable core self and have no identity of their own.

Hence,they take on any identity like a chameleon(mirroring is a part of this) which helps them garner attention and makes them feel temporarily validated.Their shame based self feels temporary relief with these actions.

It sure feels ridiculous to a non but such is the disorder.

[HarmKrakow]

Having no identity. Dayum... .

I do feel sorry for people with pwBPD. They didn't ask for it but received it throughout their childhood cuz of lack of attention/love or abuse etc. They do the best they can.

[Turkish]

Yes, indeed. I knocked it way back in the last month... .don't want her to use it against me in some custody dispute, even though I am the one documenting everything (I doubt that she is). I have been honest with my T about how much, though. Just to "document" it with someone credible. His father was an alcoholic, so I let him be the judge of what is too much. Just the weekends at night, now... .then knocking it back further after she moves out.

I'm on the middle of the Left Coast, near the ocean. Warm days now, but nights are chilly. I bundle up. Ruminate. Call friends sometimes. Then, shivering, go back inside in the am for a hot shower and sleep after she's retired. I call out back my "office" she asked me about that last week. Generational/cultural gap. Explaining The Fonz to her was like talking a foreign language, though I give her credit for listening.

Ironic that you are anxious for your SO to move out, while I was wishing mine had stayed in order to talk things through.  In hindsight, the solitary time has been enormously therapeutic.  My BPDw probably wouldn't recognize my personality after four months apart, with almost NC.

To be fair, Turk, the Fonz is an acquired taste... .

Hmm. Then I wonder about that. I remember thinking almost two years ago that I resented her parents a bit for not teaching her the simple moral concept of treating people like human beings... .as if she had no fully developed moral center, despite her being very nice and caring on the outside. So maybe I started to detach a year ago, and it triggered her. But I think she may have been looking for an excuse to bolt, too, since that is her pattern.

A bit on that, though... .her career is laudable, but it keeps her at a professional distance, even though she is good at it. I do good for strangers now and then in a totally personal, face-to-face manner, just because. She would never do that because she doesn't trust people.

As for my resentment, I remember thinking over a year ago that I couldn't imagine growing old with this person, like I couldn't trust her to be with me in my old age (financially wouldn't have been a problem; I'm good at that). Maybe she picked up on that a bit. That is the "dance", "toxic", perhaps, as some call it here. But that is something about myself I need to explore. How much am I responsible for this ending and her going out on me... .though no excuses for doing it while I was home with the kids. That just sux.

[Iamdizzy]

They do, my BPDex unraveled many times. She was a scared scared terrified person when she was in a panic frenzy.

Truthfully, I feel pathetic that I'm posting on a website while she is out and I'm no where in her mind.

I know she's bad for me. I would never take her back.

Scary that I was with her. I didn't have a goddamn clue.

[Turkish]

My ex was born in Poland, I remember coming there and having to drink like >60% alcohol drinks. Crazy alcoholic country.

Beautiful, but depressing country. We drove up through Slovakia to visit Auschwitz (of course, very depressing). I remember seeing all of these teen kids on the roads leading into and out of town. Sitting there like they were waiting for something. I kind of wondered what that was about, and didn't want to know... .Coming back to Germany, even the former East Germany, was like coming back to the USA in comparison.

[HarmKrakow]

Truthfully, I feel pathetic that I'm posting on a website while she is out and I'm no where in her mind.

?

Uh, why? Seriously... why devalue all of us here on this board as users?   Are we all sad pathetic bunch of numb-nuts who are sore losers and drowning in self-pity? While we should be partying, going out, flirting with new boys and gals? Like 'true life' was intended?

Come on, you know better than that. I truly hope you do realize that.

[HarmKrakow]

My ex was born in Poland, I remember coming there and having to drink like >60% alcohol drinks. Crazy alcoholic country.

Beautiful, but depressing country. We drove up through Slovakia to visit Auschwitz (of course, very depressing). I remember seeing all of these teen kids on the roads leading into and out of town. Sitting there like they were waiting for something. I kind of wondered what that was about, and didn't want to know... .Coming back to Germany, even the former East Germany, was like coming back to the USA in comparison.

Oe, than there has been places where we both have been

It's seriously time for me to go ZzZ, 2AM here. Time to get my head under the bedsheets and try any form of sleep.

[DragoN]

HarmKK

To be honest, everyone in life deserves a second, third chance. Etc. As long as they are emphatically and rationally sorry for what they have done. Showing sorry is a willingness to change. Even people with personality disorders deserve a second chance. Not with us, the NONS, but with life, to get them self through therapy. Everyone deserves to be happy, even the mentally insane ( to their extent ).

My partner used up all his "chances" there were 100's. But inevitably I was told it wasn't a "real chance." I don't understand, really not, how that works, but no more. He has no concept, not even at the most shallow level of what he has done. It's as though it never happened. That is almost worse.

Sawtooth

They lack a stable core self and have no identity of their own.

Hence,they take on any identity like a chameleon(mirroring is a part of this) which helps them garner attention and makes them feel temporarily validated.Their shame based self feels temporary relief with these actions.

It sure feels ridiculous to a non but such is the disorder.

It is and does look ridiculous, it is ridiculous. I can feel a great deal of empathy for people and pwBPD, but I also draw the hard line in the sand. No core, no center, just a void. I cannot comprehend that sensation. It's alien to me.

Turkish

I resented her parents a bit for not teaching her the simple moral concept of treating people like human beings... . as if she had no fully developed moral center

... .

So maybe I started to detach a year ago, and it triggered her. But I think she may have been looking for an excuse to bolt, too, since that is her pattern.

They have no moral center nor ethical code of conduct. It is solely based on me me me. How it affects another? Of no consequence.

At the same time, there are pwBPD who are very much aware of their disorder and working hard to get better. I wish my partner had been one, but he is not.

[Iamdizzy]

Harmkrakow,

Of course not. Sometimes I'm an idiot and I fail to see the smokescreen and say, I'm on a website posting which shows that we are humans who care and are fighting to improve ourselves, rather than get the dismissive, hey pal in time you'll feel better, there are so many other fish in the sea.

Btw I've visited krakow before, one of my ex girlfriends was polish, she had family out there. Beautiful city.