New here….Trying to get out...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ugh…Where to begin. I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years with someone that I now know has BPD.  The relationship has been a living hell…yet I still feel like I love him so much.  At first I just could not understand the idolization and devaluing behavior. The breaking up every week.  The constant pain but the feeling of intense desire. I knew something was wrong… I though aspergers, narcissistic disorder and then read about BPD. He fits everything completely.  My therapist had mentioned Borderline pretty much immediately.  I began going to therapist because I needed support to try and get out of the relationship and to try and understand why I always went back.  Everyone of my friends thinks its utterly insane, and his friends (the few he has) I believe think I am the one messing everything up.  I used to beg and plead with him to believe my love and tried so hard to be validated for all the work and love that I gave. Now I am just trying to walk away…trying to not go back again. Trying to let it go once and for all. I still worry though that he doesn't think I am good... there is this extremely co dependent part of me that always ends up with those that are incapable of loving me back…(married 10 years to extreme alcoholic)…Anyway just wanted to introduce myself and tell you all how thankful I am for your stories and wisdom and sharing. It has helped me tremendously.  I want so bad to be done and I say this is it, but I don't even trust myself anymore. I hope I can find the strength to learn and grow from this experience and to move past to more positive healthy relationships.  Its all so intense.  Feels like I have been on a 2+year roller coaster and I really need to get off of it now…I hope I can.

[guitargrl]

Ugh…Where to begin. I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years with someone that I now know has BPD.  The relationship has been a living hell…yet I still feel like I love him so much.  At first I just could not understand the idolization and devaluing behavior. The breaking up every week.  The constant pain but the feeling of intense desire. I knew something was wrong… I though aspergers, narcissistic disorder and then read about BPD. He fits everything completely.  My therapist had mentioned Borderline pretty much immediately.  I began going to therapist because I needed support to try and get out of the relationship and to try and understand why I always went back.  Everyone of my friends thinks its utterly insane, and his friends (the few he has) I believe think I am the one messing everything up.  I used to beg and plead with him to believe my love and tried so hard to be validated for all the work and love that I gave. Now I am just trying to walk away…trying to not go back again. Trying to let it go once and for all. I still worry though that he doesn't think I am good... there is this extremely co dependent part of me that always ends up with those that are incapable of loving me back…(married 10 years to extreme alcoholic)…Anyway just wanted to introduce myself and tell you all how thankful I am for your stories and wisdom and sharing. It has helped me tremendously.  I want so bad to be done and I say this is it, but I don't even trust myself anymore. I hope I can find the strength to learn and grow from this experience and to move past to more positive healthy relationships.  Its all so intense.  Feels like I have been on a 2+year roller coaster and I really need to get off of it now…I hope I can.

[hopealways]

Welcome! We are happy you are here because it means you are ready to heal, ready to finally LIVE.  You WILL heal, just allow yourself time to feel and let all the pain come out. The fact that you had a previous relationship with an alcoholic who obviously had his own issues suggests that perhaps you should also try to heal your core wounds that led you to fall victim to these partners.  That is where the true healing needs to be.  That is the true source of your pain, the BPDex is just what triggered it.  That is what I have found to be the case. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Ugh…

Its all so intense.

Yes, it is, on a lot of levels.  As you work through it all it's best to have as many anchors and as much stability as possible; this site is a strong one, your T can be another.  Build a support system, it will help as you detach from crazy.  Keep talking.

[ucmeicu2]

guitargrl, i was gonna copy/paste the stuff you wrote that was relevant to me but, uhh, i just didn't bother b/c ALL of what you wrote is relevant to me.  h*ll i coulda written your entire post myself!

you're in good company here, with a lot of caring and knowledgeable people. 

icu2

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi guitargrl,

I'm glad you reached out.  I'm sorry that your relationship is not working, I remember how much that hurt.  You'll find lots of members here who understand.

What is your situation with your partner today?  Do you live together?  Are you in regular contact?

This information helped me immensely when I was going through my breakup:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Keep posting.  We're here to support you through this. 

heartandwhole

[Take2]

I too could have written your post... .  it's unbelievably difficult to figure out why we put up with such horrible abuse and still stay and beg for more... .  you are surrounded by people here who are working through their own similar issues and truly understand... .

[guitargrl]

Thank you everyone for the responses.  My situation is that we do not live together.  He bought a house about a mile down the road from mine a few months after we met.  He has poured himself into every part of my life so deeply that I cannot seem to get away.  He decided to leave his profession and go into healthcare and even got a job at the same hospital I work in a year or so after we were together.  He loves me so so intensely and then with one slight upset he wants to commit suicide and leaves…he doesn't ever break up really he just disappears into a state of depression and no response and because I don't understand and get frustrated at his lack of caring for me and just being gone over something like a missed text or some other tiny little thing….messing up any plans we had etc, I then tell him to get lost. Usually about 2 weeks goes by and then one of us caves…usually him coming back and professing his undying love for me and saturating me with the most intense adoration I could ever imagine…for about 3 days we will have wonderful chemistry in all ways having so much fun and then life just proceeds and maybe I have to work and get to bed and I can't live in fantasy land and over the moon ecstasy every moment…I have kids to take care of and work and stuff (37 years old for goodness sake) and he can't take it, that lack of constant attention equals lack of love to him.  So I walk on eggshells trying to always say the right thing and be the right way. It feels terrible. It feels unhealthy, but being without him feels awful too.  This time its me making contact and him rejecting because I told him very seriously not to contact me again and he is angry about that.  On the other hand he cusses me, screams and berates me when he is angry.  I am not perfect by any means but I am a kind, loving, fun girl…I treat people with love and respect and it breaks my heart to see the pain and fear that I see in his eyes, even if he is mean as hell to me sometimes. I want to hold him and make everything good…I wonder if everything were good…if I would even like him anyway.  I know I am codependent. I had a quite horrific childhood. I assume I didn't escape without some deep wounds. I know that it says a lot about me that I even love someone that treats me so horribly. I want to be past it. I don't know how.  A lobotomy sounds good even at this point…remove that part of my messed up brain! anyway thanks again for the support.  I hope with continued research understanding and support I can navigate through this onto better places. I also hope I can provide some support to some of you all in any way!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yup, sounds like BPD behavior to me, same as mine: things were great as long as I put my entire life on hold for her, but relax into the relationship and Bam!  Off to crazytown.

I say none of you is messed up, but it's your heart that's the issue, not your brain.  If you can detach emotionally for a minute and look at the situation rationally and objectively, what you need to do is probably obvious, it's the heart that gets in your way.  Been there.  It sounds like he lives and works close, so removing him from your life may take some work.  Mine lived 1700 miles away, so NC just involved blocking and deleting all the technology, but it was still extremely difficult emotionally.  There's an opportunity to do what's right for you here, just depends how badly you want it, as your heart will protest in a big way as your brain takes you through detachment.

[fiddlestix]

guitargrl (do you play guitar?), I, too, can relate to your post.  I am in the process of divorcing my diagnosed BPD wife.  I am offended by her continued foolish and hurtful actions.  I am angry and hurt.  I never want to see her again. Yet, I still desire her!  That is the worst part for me.  This woman will only bring me pain (she wants to hang out as buddies).  I have accepted that I really do not like her much at all.  If a stranger described her to me I would never say "Introduce me to this charming woman."  The real reason she hooks up with guys so easily is because... .well... .she's easy.  Yet, I still desire her.  I feel that my ongoing No Contact is flushing her out of my system.  But I have a ways to go. 

Guitargrl... .I hope that you will be blessed with clarity soon so that you can begin to move toward real healing. 

Welcome! 

Fiddlestix

[yakki]

Hello, I appreciate your comments, thank you very much. We are pretty much in the same situation, except we have been living together for 18 months. What a flipping roller coaster. I never know, minute by minute, moment by moment what is going to trigger her, the splitting happens so fast, it is just amazing. I can never do anything good enough, spend enough, anything enough to satisfy her. Time to stop the madness and tell her to go.

Good luck in your journey too. Wishing you all the best. Please keep posting too.