No core sense of self

[connect]

Hi Guys,

This expression is often used when describing a trait that pwBPD have.

I wondered how you guys interpretted this? How would you say the pwBPD in your lives display it? How would someone without a core sense of self feel? I have been trying to put my finger on this for a while.

Is this behaviour displayed by mirroring other people? Us? Sudden interest changes?

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[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi Connect,  In my experience with my XpwBPD, it seemed to be directly related to the attachment issue.  There was a tragic childhood trauma, complete disruption of life.  I noticed after a while that there seemed to be a LOT of impulsive type behavior, and of course, the mirroring.  In elementary school, did you notice the class mate who went from friend to friend? the one on the playground that wouldn't stay with any one mate for long but sort of skipped around from clique to clique?  This is an adult behavior too, don't stay ANYWHERE too long, you'll get hurt.   And, there's that sadness that is palpable, it's one of the reasons I chose to stay for so long, chose to try to work on the non relationship, and ultimately lead me to some hard stuff relating to my own inner child stuff.  I have a great deal of empathy for her, I also have a great need to kick her butt too, LOL, but that's another thread.  

CiF

[zaqsert]

Hi Connect,

One thing I've noticed with my uBPDw is how she sometimes "feels out" how she should feel about something.

It used to be that she would start by being a bit worked up about something that happened.  She would ask me how I felt.  I tended to trust that there was a reason for her to feel worked up, so I engaged in the conversation.  After a little while she seemed to feel the feeling even stronger.  Unfortunately, I often got caught up with it too.

Now that I know about BPD and have been learning all that I've been learning here, I think about how I feel, and I respect my feelings.  My wife approaches me a bit worked out about something and asks me how I feel.  I briefly validate that she feels worked up, then tell her that I don't mind it / it doesn't affect me / it's not a big deal.  She questions me again.  I stick to my original answer, and with an attitude of "it's no big deal".  Pretty soon she drops it, and it doesn't come up again.

It's as if in both instances she was feeling out the situation.  In the past I went along with it, believing it was helpful (it rarely ever was), and she then latched on to the feelings.  Now I tend to tell her when I think something is not a big deal, and she tends to go with that instead.  I think the confidence with which I convey it makes a difference too.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Connect,

One thing I've noticed with my uBPDw is how she sometimes "feels out" how she should feel about something.

It used to be that she would start by being a bit worked up about something that happened.  She would ask me how I felt.  I tended to trust that there was a reason for her to feel worked up, so I engaged in the conversation.  After a little while she seemed to feel the feeling even stronger.  Unfortunately, I often got caught up with it too.

Now that I know about BPD and have been learning all that I've been learning here, I think about how I feel, and I respect my feelings.  My wife approaches me a bit worked out about something and asks me how I feel.  I briefly validate that she feels worked up, then tell her that I don't mind it / it doesn't affect me / it's not a big deal.  She questions me again.  I stick to my original answer, and with an attitude of "it's no big deal".  Pretty soon she drops it, and it doesn't come up again.

It's as if in both instances she was feeling out the situation.  In the past I went along with it, believing it was helpful (it rarely ever was), and she then latched on to the feelings.  Now I tend to tell her when I think something is not a big deal, and she tends to go with that instead.  I think the confidence with which I convey it makes a difference too.

Hi Connect

Zaqsert, what an excellent and thoughtful post   I was looking for something specific to quote, but your entire post speaks directly to feelings I've experienced earlier in my life-- I'm connecting with your wife right now.

I used to get pretty worked up over things that were essentially 'no big deal'.  In a way, I knew they weren't, but was looking for the strength in others to kinda bring it home to me-- talk me off the ledge so to speak.  I didn't trust myself.  So, if my partner was validating my fears the whole situation would blow up even worse in my mind.

I don't know if I'm explaining this clearly.  I needed stability and was looking at someone else to provide it.  If they couldn't (because I sure couldn't at the time), I'd blame them.  Blah, where's the red-face emoticon when you need it

Connect, I think if we can be a stable force emitting strength in our own reality, our partners feel it and can start applying it to themselves.

[waverider]

Without you, they feel like they are nothing and have no existence.

They cannot function as a stand alone entity.

[waverider]

Hi Connect,

One thing I've noticed with my uBPDw is how she sometimes "feels out" how she should feel about something.

It used to be that she would start by being a bit worked up about something that happened.  She would ask me how I felt.  I tended to trust that there was a reason for her to feel worked up, so I engaged in the conversation.  After a little while she seemed to feel the feeling even stronger.  Unfortunately, I often got caught up with it too.

Now that I know about BPD and have been learning all that I've been learning here, I think about how I feel, and I respect my feelings.  My wife approaches me a bit worked out about something and asks me how I feel.  I briefly validate that she feels worked up, then tell her that I don't mind it / it doesn't affect me / it's not a big deal.  She questions me again.  I stick to my original answer, and with an attitude of "it's no big deal".  Pretty soon she drops it, and it doesn't come up again.

It's as if in both instances she was feeling out the situation.  In the past I went along with it, believing it was helpful (it rarely ever was), and she then latched on to the feelings.  Now I tend to tell her when I think something is not a big deal, and she tends to go with that instead.  I think the confidence with which I convey it makes a difference too.

What you are describing is the danger of too much S&E without the T. The T is that it is no big deal to you. If you dont add the"T" it simply fuels it. Validation without the centering if you like

[connect]

Great posts - making more sense to me now. I agree with the "feeling out" stuff as I see my bf do the same with various people before deciding what he thinks about situations. I also am rather like you were Phoebe - I look for validation too around my own stuff when I need to be talked down from the ledge so to speak. So I suppose a certain amount is "normal" but too much all the time is not... .