Checking my emotional temperature

[PhoenixRising15]

Just got a call from a random number.  Did not answer.  It was not a number I recognized and looked like it could be from my ex.  Very similar to last week's call.

I was pissed this time.  Just angry.  That she could be in the process of replacing me, I caught her, she claimed her love but broke up with me, then calls me randomly from blocked and random numbers and sent me a "love poem".

She has really lost touch with reality.  No empathy.  Cannot think about what I'm feeling.  The sad thing is if she actually could, and was truly remorseful and seeking therapy, I would consider getting back into contact with her.

Writing that last sentence makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm not totally detached, but at least this time, I wasn't afraid.  I was pissed that she wasnt treating me with the normal respect of a human being.

I know, I know, she's disordered.  It's just messed up, and I'm glad I'm not all out of sorts about it.  Progress.

[bpdspell]

Questioning Faith,

I got tons of random texts, blocked calls, and silent hang ups. They seem to have a sixth Spidey sense in knowing when we're making our best efforts to detach from the hook for good. I think it's the silence on our part and the lack of groveling that piques their interest.

No surprises here. Let the anger wash over you and continue to emotionally process.

They don't like the finality of losing a good thing even though they're the ones responsible for destroying it.

Spell

[rags_and_feathers]

I just assume they're wrong number calls, and move along with my day.  Probably, most of them really *are* wrong numbers.

[Ironmanrises]

Question... .

The good thing is... .

You did not answer it.

I know how you feel.

I have been hyper vigilant since... .

I have gotten those same... .

Unknown calls.

You are safe with us... .

Here brother.

This is your refuge.

Here with us.

Her disorder... .

Will compel her... .

To behave like that.

A pattern of behavior.

Keep her on that other side... .

Of your NC wall.

Keep posting here brother.

You are not alone.

[crazytrain2]

Yep. Exactly and it is true, they are human too and on some level know they crumpled up the good thing (us as individuals and the relationship) and disregarded it.  It is very much a shame based disorder and these tentative/shy attempts to get our attention are things done to make sure they stay on our minds.

Well, I just stated this in another post actually.  After several recycles over the years, the poems the 'mature reconciliations addressing the issues', the tears, the contacting me through friends because he was so 'vulnerable', etc. etc. etc... .I've a very different perspective now.

I used to take all that to signify his timeless love and our connection as soulmates.  right now, it is an insult.  It really is.  The only reason he tries to get my attention is because things aren't so rosey for him.  So instead of being validated that he 'really does love me!", it has turned to 'so, I guess things aren't so fun and exciting in his world now, good."  

To be honest I don't even want to think that. I'd rather not know and continue to be insulted with his little attempts to get my attention and compassion for him stirred because he's lonely and wants his favorite doormat to wipe his bad feelings on for a few weeks before he hates me again.  It is very insulting and you have every right to feel frustrated by the feeble/cowardly pokes at you.

If they really cared and had empathy for us, they would also see that they hurt us over and over and over and they would sacrifice their in the moment 'need' for our attention and realize the best thing they could possibly do is to let us be so we can move on and have a chance at happiness.  If they 'really' loved us and cared about our well being.  

[crazytrain2]

I just wanted to add: I'd love to win the lottery.  It's a long shot ya think.  But I can sometimes day dream about it and think of what I'd do with that landfall... kids college, friends and family debt down to zero for them, travel the world, invest here or there yada yada.

I occasionally buy lottery tickets when the pot is big, after all, you can't win if you don't play!

But guess what... .I'm not spending my paycheck on tickets (far from, a buck or two just to be in the game), and I don't even play unless the pot is big.  I'm certainly not quitting my job based on this hope that I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow.

That is precisely what our Ex's or pwBPD (who we are trying to detach from) are... .a lottery ticket. 

When it comes to something so personal, even a wild risk taking $25 a month lottery gambler like me will have to come to the point it is a waste and if I saved that $25/mo for X years I could have taken a kick ass vacation.

When we fold... .and I mean really fold the hand that was dealt (ie detach from our ex's) only then will we be dealt a new hand.  Hopefully we have more control over that hand than the house.