Contact BPD Ex..Why Not?

[AnotherJohn]

I have another thread found at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211688.0

which describes my current situation if you are interested. Its a very difficult time for me... .and if youre reading this, it may also be a hard time for you as well.

I have searched for the answer on Google but havent really found an answer. I remember my ex and I reading a book called "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder" ... .which is about a woman and her recovery from BPD. My ex who is BPD actually read it and shared parts of the book with me. In the story the woman has an episode and locks herself in a room... .her husband eventually convinces her to come out and realize that everyone loves her... .

My question is ... .why are we told not to contact our ex BPD partner?

I know during breakup games people say "dont call them let them call you". But im a little old for games to be honest. She always seemed to be willing to talk to me. But now that she is gone she has been impossible to get in touch with. Even changed her number - everything. Posting things on a social media site that makes me worry. I am convinced that she has gone back to her unhealthy and scary ways of her past (makes me worry/sad).

Im sure this contact has been answered before... .but I seem to be missing it... .

[Clearmind]

No contact is not a hard and fast rule.

What is your motivation for wanting contact?

[Suzn]

Hi AnotherJohn

Many people decide to go NC for a period of time after the initial break up. This is for us, to get a foothold on our own emotions. This is simply a tool and isn't meant to be used forever. It's good to take some time to grieve alone and get past the initial sadness or pain that comes with a breakup. Although, there are some that never go NC and keep in touch. There is no such thing as a NC rule around here, we will support you either way.

I'm sorry you are worried about her and having such a hard time right now.   Completely understandable since you two did keep in touch after the breakup.  

[Mutt]

She always seemed to be willing to talk to me. But now that she is gone she has been impossible to get in touch with. Even changed her number - everything. Posting things on a social media site that makes me worry. I am convinced that she has gone back to her unhealthy and scary ways of her past (makes me worry/sad).

You have been painted black and there is nothing that you can do to change her mind. The proverbial "let them call you" is accurate in this occurence.

She'll call you when she needs something.

[willbegood]

To each his own on Contact or NC. If I felt the need to contact my ex I did. There does come a point if they block you from every which way of contacting them and you're still trying to figure out a way to contact them, you really need to take a step back and take a close look at yourself.

One thing to keep in mind. Our ex's made it this far in life without us. Their lives will move forward without us also. We like the idea of being a hero to them but they don't need a hero to live there lives.

[Changingman]

Because it's so unhealthy for you, she will torture you until you don't allow it anymore. She would enjoy the interaction as validation of her kind of crazy. You will humiliate yourself for no good outcome. She will enjoy your torture, she will enjoy sex more with her new man knowing you are still orbiting around her.

You are prolonging your healing, you will get worse feelings and wounds from her. Ignore her and get out if her life, maybe some of that beautiful, caring person that she arrived for could look after the wounded child in you. After you have looked after that child you could then find someone else who wouldn't enjoy torturing that gentle beautiful thing, and then you could be happy, really.?

They know what they are doing we all see it at the end, they are scared hoping their lies will last till they are out. Good luck be kind to yourself, maybe you deserve it.

[Changingman]

P.S. I'm still hurting but I'm getting better. This is not my new normal. This was abnormal, I just recognise it now. I've started to see them everywhere, a dead boy here, a broken soul there, a secret unveiled, an old memory now revealed, a murmur now clear, a stare looked back on. A sadist stopped, a life saved. The future opening up. X

[Changingman]

Everyone I tell about BPD has a person in their life who is one, they all think that person is odd and original, they are boring... .provoke, Provoke, provoke. No more?

[crazytrain2]

If you know in your heart that the relationship is unhealthy then you need to detach, NC is the best way to do that.  No one says treatment cutting out of a malignant cancer is not painful... .it is, in a different way perhaps more painful initially, but it has to be done to help you to become healthy again. NC is like that for many of us, expecially if the relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive.  So it is a way of protecting yourself and giving space to detach from the chaos.  In that this bond is much like addiction treatment.

That said, I went through many many cycles with my uBPDexbf/fiancee, and at the end of the last cycle I was exhausted.  You know why?  When they are dysregulated and dissociated... .when you are devalued, they are in their own world.  They will not hear you.  They will feel no empathy towards you in that state (so you will be further devalued as you grovel to have them hear you out). Emotionally they have detached (for the moment), they have forgotten how they felt about you at this point in time, all your efforts are futile and many times backfire and give them more reason to disrespect you, or more fodder for their internal justification of... .whatever their justification was.  It is a waste of your time and energy.  

If you do want to talk to her, ever again, it is probably best to back off and allow her to regulate again and come to you in a lucid moment.  [hmmm... .a thought, I do wonder when they do have their 'lucid' moments if they aren't simply dysregulated again but the other way. Ouch.].

It seems you are tending to give more care and understanding to her than you are giving yourself right now, so the space seems like it would do you a world of good. You may want to consider if you really see the rest of your life saving her from herself (not your job) and otherwise floating in the breeze like a plastic bag in the wind with her moods and love/hate of you.  In chosen relationships, we chose... .and this kind of 'love' will kill you from the inside out.

[Clearmind]

No contact does not work for everyone. Some share children, work in the same place, mutual friends - no contact is impossible in these instances. Work on detaching rather than expending energy on feverishly protecting NC.

NC in itself, without inner work does not help you detach.

I have seen it so many times here - members who are NC for a year or two and come back and post about how devastated they are that they ran into them in the supermarket.

Yes there is an element with these relationships and yes I agree that initally NC when things are raw is good advice - however it's rare it can be a lifestyle - unless you move towns and cities contact at some stage is inevitable, a email may arrive in your inbox or you may hear about them via a third party.

Work on your coping and detaching skills.

[crazytrain2]

I just wanted to add another benefit that NC gives us, along with processing, grieving and introspection.  It allows us to very gradually come back to ourselves.  In that I mean, often we become very enmeshed with them.  Slowly, our existence became about them and we become lost.  It's odd to 'have' to be on high alert all the time to our partners shifts 24/7 ... .then suddenly be freed from it.

It's like a dog that has been chained for most of it's life, and when he's set free, he still kind of sticks around the same place.  Our part to own is that we conditioned ourselves to consider the Ex (and the Ex's potential state of mind/perceptions) for so long that we can not comprehend what it is like to not have to consider them.  Peace and freedom from that self created bondage is scarey.  Some of us stick around the chain pole.  But NC allows us to ever so slowly venture out.  

As Clearmind suggested though, it may not be practical for some people.  If there are no ties that make NC impractical (from your prior post there does not seem to be), NC is often used at the end of Non-PD interactions.  You do need to consider what is best for you, however it sounds like she has made herself clear that she does not welcome contact.  Just as we would hope our wishes and boundaries will be respected if we red line them, you should make some attempt to respect her explicit boundary.  There is little that you can do about that.  The question then is, where do you go from here?

[Ironmanrises]

If you know in your heart that the relationship is unhealthy then you need to detach, NC is the best way to do that.  No one says treatment cutting out of a malignant cancer is not painful... .it is, in a different way perhaps more painful initially, but it has to be done to help you to become healthy again. NC is like that for many of us, expecially if the relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive.  So it is a way of protecting yourself and giving space to detach from the chaos.  In that this bond is much like addiction treatment.

That said, I went through many many cycles with my uBPDexbf/fiancee, and at the end of the last cycle I was exhausted.  You know why?  When they are dysregulated and dissociated... .when you are devalued, they are in their own world.  They will not hear you.  They will feel no empathy towards you in that state (so you will be further devalued as you grovel to have them hear you out). Emotionally they have detached (for the moment), they have forgotten how they felt about you at this point in time, all your efforts are futile and many times backfire and give them more reason to disrespect you, or more fodder for their internal justification of... .whatever their justification was.  It is a waste of your time and energy.  

If you do want to talk to her, ever again, it is probably best to back off and allow her to regulate again and come to you in a lucid moment.  [hmmm... .a thought, I do wonder when they do have their 'lucid' moments if they aren't simply dysregulated again but the other way. Ouch.].

It seems you are tending to give more care and understanding to her than you are giving yourself right now, so the space seems like it would do you a world of good. You may want to consider if you really see the rest of your life saving her from herself (not your job) and otherwise floating in the breeze like a plastic bag in the wind with her moods and love/hate of you.  In chosen relationships, we chose... .and this kind of 'love' will kill you from the inside out.

In bold/italics.

When they are away... .

From us... .

For extended period... .

Of time.

For their dysregulation... .

To return... .

To a more... .

Normal state.

[DragoN]

I just wanted to add another benefit that NC gives us, along with processing, grieving and introspection.  It allows us to very gradually come back to ourselves.  In that I mean, often we become very enmeshed with them.  Slowly, our existence became about them and we become lost. It's odd to 'have' to be on high alert all the time to our partners shifts 24/7 ... .then suddenly be freed from it.

It's like a dog that has been chained for most of it's life, and when he's set free, he still kind of sticks around the same place.  Our part to own is that we conditioned ourselves to consider the Ex (and the Ex's potential state of mind/perceptions) for so long that we can not comprehend what it is like to not have to consider them.  Peace and freedom from that self created bondage is scarey.  Some of us stick around the chain pole.  But NC allows us to ever so slowly venture out.

So true for me as well.

NC, is for healing, for finding peace within yourself. If there are children involved then it must be different for each couple.

NC doesn't stop the love and caring, that continues and is the dull ache in the chest. But not seeing or hearing from them, the pain can fade over time.

But im a little old for games to be honest. She always seemed to be willing to talk to me. But now that she is gone she has been impossible to get in touch with. Even changed her number - everything. Posting things on a social media site that makes me worry. I am convinced that she has gone back to her unhealthy and scary ways of her past (makes me worry/sad).

In many ways, it can look like childish games. In cases where the pwBPD is relentless harassing a person it makes sense. Stalking behaviors and tormenting the partner. In other cases if not most, it's to heal in peace.

[blissful_camper]

The point of NC for me anyway, is I got to a point where I realized I was going to be a shadow of my former self if I stayed any longer.  He was a 24/7 job, and I was his caretaker.  It was wrong.  I nurtured and loved him in ways he claimed he'd never experienced.  And you know what I got back?  After about a month or two of idealization, I was devalued, and abused.  I'd never experienced emotional abuse on that level.  Ever. Why would I want to be with a man who has nothing positive, healthy, or loving, to bring to the table? I'm not on this planet to re-parent anyone.  That is what psychiatrists are for.  He isn't my responsibility. I can't help him.  I deserve better. That's why I'm NC. 

[Learning_curve74]

I feel that NC is a tool to create space and time away from our exes in order to begin our detachment and healing. Many of us are so enmeshed that it requires some distance and time to work on ourselves as opposed to always dealing with them. When my own feelings and thoughts were so wrapped up with those of my exBPDgf, it would've been tough for me to work on rediscovering myself if she was constantly present and intruding. Therefore I chose to go NC.

Those people with children together or who work together don't have luxury of NC but can go LC (Low Contact).

You may want to check this workshop out: PERSPECTIVES: Contact after the breakup.

And here is another topic to read: Exiting a BPD relationship (NC/LC workshop)

One thing to keep in mind. Our ex's made it this far in life without us. Their lives will move forward without us also. We like the idea of being a hero to them but they don't need a hero to live there lives.

Yes, pwBPD are survivors, they used whatever they learned to get this far in life as willbegood says above. It may be what you or I feel is a pitiful existence, but they're still getting by. There is a difference between merely surviving and thriving, but it is not up to us to choose for them.

[AnotherJohn]

And of course a friend of mine today sends me pictures of my ex BPD gf with her new buddy guy friend that she moved in with after me. Apparently they went out to his mothers birthday dinner together. And as sad as it sounds i can tell by the look on her face that she really is not happy at all. He was trying to be hugging her and she honestly wasnt giving him the attention that i received from her (at least in the photos). She had a fake smile on her face as well. Really sad. I did try to email her a day or two ago and again no reply. That will be my last attempt. I have left the door open for her and i truly believe that deep in her heart that she's trying to overcome her problems. I witnessed it first hand during the time we were together. But after 32 years of living with the disorder i could imagine that it would be difficult to change. I am continuing to hope for the best and keeping her in my prayers. As far as seeing her with this guy... im disgusted. Its clear that she's using him. My heart breaks for her. My heart is broken bc of her.

[Mutt]

I feel that NC is a tool to create space and time away from our exes in order to begin our detachment and healing. Many of us are so enmeshed that it requires some distance and time to work on ourselves as opposed to always dealing with them. When my own feelings and thoughts were so wrapped up with those of my exBPDgf, it would've been tough for me to work on rediscovering myself if she was constantly present and intruding. Therefore I chose to go

Those people with children together or who work together don't have luxury of NC but can go LC (Low Contact).

You may want to check this workshop out: PERSPECTIVES: Contact after the breakup.

And here is another topic to read: Exiting a BPD relationship (NC/LC workshop)

One thing to keep in mind. Our ex's made it this far in life without us. Their lives will move forward without us also. We like the idea of being a hero to them but they don't need a hero to live there lives.

Yes, pwBPD are survivors, they used whatever they learned to get this far in life as willbegood says above. It may be what you or I feel is a pitiful existence, but they're still getting by. There is a difference between merely surviving and thriving, but it is not up to us to choose for them.

I would like to add to Low Contact. I share 3 children with ex uBPD and I practice Controlled Contact.

Controlled Contact for me is that I only communicate about the kids and via e-mail.  I created an email account for the kids and she's blocked from personal emails. I've blocked text and I have an app on my phone that will send her number to voicemail. I have cancelled my landline and I only have my cellphone. They may not work for everyone. I'm a single dad and I don't need the landline. I can control everything nicely from my cellphone.

I set a boundary that I will only discuss the kids every second Thursday, the day before my weekend with the kids and anything in between won't get a response until that day. Baiting, soothing, projecting etc... .  Does not get a response from me. That's my replacements job now. I have an app that blocks emails so that I don't get a notification right away and I'm not tempted to get sucked in. My e-mail sig has emergency contact numbers with my family in case there is an emergency for the kids. Call my brother or sister and they'll get in touch with me.

I aslo practice Parallel Parenting and not Co-Parenting. Parent the kids your way on your time and I'll parent them my way on my time. I minimize contact, I don't engage in anything other than the kids and I remove the conflict. So far, so good. You can't go No Contact with the kids, but you can really take Crazy's power away.

[caughtnreleased]

I think this quote can apply to us, who think that if we recontact the ex we can somehow fix things, as well as the pwBPD who simply go through their cycles, just with different people.  In the end we all just get more of the same:

"The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."

[Mutt]

 

"The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."

This.

[fromheeltoheal]

Going NC kind of sounds like some intense process or something.  For me, I had had enough of the abuse, the condescension, the emotional unavailability, all the bullsht.  She finally pushed it too far, and I was fcking pissed off!  So I bailed, wanted nothing to do with her, although I knew before I new about BPD really, that if we did talk she'd be all sweet and cutesy, very transparent manipulation at this point, and I was just plain done.  And then, after a few months of detoxing from the abuse, I started focusing on healthy boundaries, new for me, and thought back to who she is and how she treated me more objectively, and turns out I don't like her, she could never be a positive addition to my life in any sense, so she needed to be removed.  I removed a few other people too, as I build a healthier life and only let supportive people close.  Simple as that, no heavy "going NC" process, just taking care of me.

[Century2012]

Burn victims must suffer practically unbearable pain in healing. As the skin grows back, it shrinks and the doctors have to keep pulling it off so it will grow as needed to manage the scar tissue.

NC is so we don't have to feel that pain. The reopening for that wound. Be strong.