My Aha Moment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I waa feeling very down.  I went to a musical with a friend and all I could think about was my ex and how she would have enjoyed it. 

I called her and she called back. 

I texted I was sorry for calling and it became a 2hr text war. 

She dumped me last Weds.  It was the fifth time in a year and after a four month re engagement (cycle... .not wedding).

She waa very calm dumping me.  She cried and hugged me. Told me we were meant to be best friends and that she loved me but we were very different.  She even offered to take me out on my birthday Saturday something I thought was weird given she was dumping me.

So today I break down and text her and an all out war erupts. First she is very zen saying I need to move on and that she dies not love me or is attracted to me but if I say "I'm planning to move on" with someone else, I'm an a hole. 

It gets super nasty when she starts saying I've treated her lower than dirt.  She proceeds to list all my faults even giving advice on how I should treat the next person.  I tell her I wish she told me these feelings earlier to which she says "I should have had a drawer at your house" a hole. 

We are lesbian btw. 

I felt really uncomfortable moving her in given our fights which would start out as a simple disagreement and end as a full blown rage with her running out screaming Fu I'm done!

She felt un loved because I really stopped being sexual after our first fight.  She kept saying I needed to change but every time we got close she had a headache or her ankle or back hurt.  I became complacent in a companionship given her anger issues. 

The last time she left she left in May and within a week was with her ex in Minnesota. How anyone can jump from love to a breakup and be with the "best friend" ex three days later I have no idea. 

Well a week later as she was driving home from Minnesota she began to call me incessantly. When I did answer hours later she wanted to see me. I took her back.

It was never the same, trust just not there.  In many ways I feel like I myself was keeping my options open. I didn't want to go through this turmoil again. 

So tonight she tells me our relationship was ugly and I treated her poorly.  I found myself trying to re assure her I cared but it was useless. She kept saying she would block her number and I said fine but I'm doing that now.

I just got two more texts so I know she did not do this. 

She removed herself from my meetup group and I blocked her on fb.

This is so childish for an adult relationship ending. I just feel we feed off each other. 

She said she is much happier and calmer without me in her life.

That hurts regardless.

Two weeks ago we were having fun. This last week I had a traumatic event and she lost it. I was preoccupied on our weekend away. I didn't mean to hurt her and apologized but she was done. 

I'm sorry this is very rambling.  I know I am co dependent with her. I need to stay far away from her and save myself. This hurts as normal relationships do not end this way.

For the first time I truly feel I do not need to fear her coming back and to be honest, I hope she stays away. 

[Pretty Woman]

Today I waa feeling very down.  I went to a musical with a friend and all I could think about was my ex and how she would have enjoyed it. 

I called her and she called back. 

I texted I was sorry for calling and it became a 2hr text war. 

She dumped me last Weds.  It was the fifth time in a year and after a four month re engagement (cycle... .not wedding).

She waa very calm dumping me.  She cried and hugged me. Told me we were meant to be best friends and that she loved me but we were very different.  She even offered to take me out on my birthday Saturday something I thought was weird given she was dumping me.

So today I break down and text her and an all out war erupts. First she is very zen saying I need to move on and that she dies not love me or is attracted to me but if I say "I'm planning to move on" with someone else, I'm an a hole. 

It gets super nasty when she starts saying I've treated her lower than dirt.  She proceeds to list all my faults even giving advice on how I should treat the next person.  I tell her I wish she told me these feelings earlier to which she says "I should have had a drawer at your house" a hole. 

We are lesbian btw. 

I felt really uncomfortable moving her in given our fights which would start out as a simple disagreement and end as a full blown rage with her running out screaming Fu I'm done!

She felt un loved because I really stopped being sexual after our first fight.  She kept saying I needed to change but every time we got close she had a headache or her ankle or back hurt.  I became complacent in a companionship given her anger issues. 

The last time she left she left in May and within a week was with her ex in Minnesota. How anyone can jump from love to a breakup and be with the "best friend" ex three days later I have no idea. 

Well a week later as she was driving home from Minnesota she began to call me incessantly. When I did answer hours later she wanted to see me. I took her back.

It was never the same, trust just not there.  In many ways I feel like I myself was keeping my options open. I didn't want to go through this turmoil again. 

So tonight she tells me our relationship was ugly and I treated her poorly.  I found myself trying to re assure her I cared but it was useless. She kept saying she would block her number and I said fine but I'm doing that now.

I just got two more texts so I know she did not do this. 

She removed herself from my meetup group and I blocked her on fb.

This is so childish for an adult relationship ending. I just feel we feed off each other. 

She said she is much happier and calmer without me in her life.

That hurts regardless.

Two weeks ago we were having fun. This last week I had a traumatic event and she lost it. I was preoccupied on our weekend away. I didn't mean to hurt her and apologized but she was done. 

I'm sorry this is very rambling.  I know I am co dependent with her. I need to stay far away from her and save myself. This hurts as normal relationships do not end this way.

For the first time I truly feel I do not need to fear her coming back and to be honest, I hope she stays away. 

[Reg]

Hi Earth Angel,

I know exactly how hard it can be and how hard it is to cope with these situations.  So sorry to hear about all this !

Your ex partner sounds as a copy paste from mine.

I had to hear almost exactly all the same things from her.  And had the same behavior as well.

Projection is such an important tool for them not to have to deal with the shame concerning the way they behaved toward us.

They can turn around from one moment on another.  I hear that you don't understand why it so easy for them to jump just on to the next woman or man.  I've been there myself !  My ex partner has been hetero, bisexual, hetero, lesbian, bisexual,... . 

At the end of our relationship she made love with me on X-mas, was in love with a woman the week after that, and when she didn't get her, was in love and in the bed of another woman in the first days of January... .  There's nothing normal and rational about that, I know !

It is not about you, it's about their fear of abandonment, they are so certain you will leave them, that they already have a replacement ready.  So for them it is not cheating, as you were going to leave them anyway.  Well that's the way they think.  Not all of them are like this however.

Even their fear of abandonment can be triggered by the most irrational things.  Not aswering a text message within minutes can be enough... .

You mentioned you had a traumatic event, and the attention did go away from her on that moment, a normal loving partner would help you deal with the situation, they do not know how to cope with it, their lack of empathy, not understanding how you feel, makes them think you will leave them... .

It is good to understand that you may have some issues of your own, I've been there myself.  Look into them, it will make you grow !

Take care, concentrate on your healing, if you need to vent, don't hesitate to do so, we are here to support each other !

Do you have support from family and friends ?  I know we ask this often, but it is very important !

Reg