Do they miss us?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have asked myself this very question every single day since the day she walked out on me before I got home from work. I haven't seen or heard from here since. That was 1 year and 9 months ago. I still care. I still care quite deeply for her actually, and there isn't a second of my lonely days that go by where I am not missing her. And you know what supernova? In all of the soul searching, and pleading to God for closure, I am no closer to any answers than I was the day she walked out. The miserable fact is that I have accepted this pain to just be part of me. It no longer cripples my ability to have fun or function but nonetheless it is still there... .very much there... .I just have learned to put it in the vault. So here is what I have come up with for myself... .they are human... .broken,  but human... .(heck we are all broken in some way aren't we)... .and yes they miss us. Maybe not like we miss them, maybe not as often, but you can't tell me for one second that when she hears "wonderful tonight" by Eric Clapton that she doesn't miss me. And you know what, maybe I'm completely wrong about that, maybe she never even thinks of me, and maybe he never even thinks of you, but since I will never speak or see her again, thinking that she misses me makes me smile, so I go with that.

   I still have no idea how to completely heal from this, but everyday I try a bit more, and the people here are a big part of my healing, or whatever you want to call it.

[jjk0614]

I have asked myself this very question every single day since the day she walked out on me before I got home from work. I haven't seen or heard from here since. That was 1 year and 9 months ago. I still care. I still care quite deeply for her actually, and there isn't a second of my lonely days that go by where I am not missing her. And you know what supernova? In all of the soul searching, and pleading to God for closure, I am no closer to any answers than I was the day she walked out. The miserable fact is that I have accepted this pain to just be part of me. It no longer cripples my ability to have fun or function but nonetheless it is still there... .very much there... .I just have learned to put it in the vault. So here is what I have come up with for myself... .they are human... .broken,  but human... .(heck we are all broken in some way aren't we)... .and yes they miss us. Maybe not like we miss them, maybe not as often, but you can't tell me for one second that when she hears "wonderful tonight" by Eric Clapton that she doesn't miss me. And you know what, maybe I'm completely wrong about that, maybe she never even thinks of me, and maybe he never even thinks of you, but since I will never speak or see her again, thinking that she misses me makes me smile, so I go with that.

   I still have no idea how to completely heal from this, but everyday I try a bit more, and the people here are a big part of my healing, or whatever you want to call it.

[ScotisGone74]

Posted by: slimmiller

Insert Quote

Quote from: BlackOrWhite on Today at 12:30:44 AM



I think there are several subgroups on this forum. On subgroup desperately wants to say BPD people are just leeches etc... Basically giving them the 'all evil stamp'.


Exactly my thoughts! Doing the right thing

The apologists have not lost as much as some of us and thus can somehow show more empathy. I wish at times I could show more empathy. Although there is not a human alive that I know personally that would have or would ever continue to put up with what I already have when it comes to BPD



Just as there are varying degrees of those that suffer from BPD, there are varying degrees of how Nons suffer.   There are some Nons on here that have spent the majority of their adult lives trying to live with a person with BPD and some on here that just had a little more than a fling for a few weeks.   The point is that for Nons having empathy for BPD's varies with how much human capital they have spent/wasted of your life trying to cope  with your SO/ loved one who suffered from it. 

If you spent nearly twenty years of your life, like a few on here have done,  with a BPD or around a family member with BPD only to loose the battle and the majority of your sanity in the process I would guess it is much more easy to endorse with the

"Evil Stamp". 

[Ironmanrises]

Do they miss us... .?

Yes.

But with a catch.

It is only between 2 points... .

In time... .

From point A... .

To point B... .

Hard thing to grasp... .?

Absolutely.

Does it make sense to us... .?

No.

The pwBPD is disordered.

That is why... .

They only miss us... .

In fixed points in time.

And then... .

They stop missing us.

Until... .

The cycle restarts itself.

Does this hurt us... .?

Yes.

Beyond.

Do we do that... .?

No.

We miss them in a continuous... .

Fluid stream in time.

Until... .

It gradually trickles... .

To a drip... .

Almost like a leaky faucet.

My exUBPDgf told me... .

That in the NC period... .

After she left me in round 1... .

That she missed me... .

And tried to reach out to me... .

(Private calls/silent voicemail... .)

She showed this "missing me"... .

Until she was triggered.

Then it vanished.

Now in the NC period... .

After round 2... .

Based on above behavior... .

Is it a far fetched assumption... .

To think she is missing me now... .?

No.

A pattern of behavior.

[Skip]

I think we all need to be careful not to confuse each other by pathologizing every aspect of our ex's behavior or by trying to simplistically characterize the thinking of the entire the population of ex's at bpdfamily as acting in the same mindframe.  They aren't.  As much as pwBPD, addictions, depression exhibit some characteristic behaviors, every relationship here is unique and many of the behaviors of the partners are human behaviors that we also experience.

If we are going to understand what has transpired in our life, it really helps to know where the pathology starts and ends.

Do they miss us?  

Well, if no BPD, addictions, depression or HSP were present the answer is probably something like this... .

• if our partner let the relationship, and we wantd to contine they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them.  Vis versa is also true.

• if our partner is i a new environment, and we are in the old environment they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them.  Vis versa is also true.

• if our partner is in a new relationship, and we are are not, they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them.  Vis versa is also true.

• if our partner is in a new relationship that is floundering, they are probably missing us more than if the relationship was doing well.  Vis versa is also true.

• if our partner is rebuilding their hart, body, and soul, and we are they are probably missing us more than if the relationship was doing well.  Vis versa is also true.

You get the idea.

So how does BPD, depression, insecurity, or high sensitivity personality affect the above?

If a person has higher than normal rejection anxiety, they will cope by doing things that keep them from getting into that dangerous place of being deeply attached to someone and being vulnerable to being crushed by them. When this happens, there is great pain -  even suicide, or, ironically, the seeking treatment.  Most pwBPD have had a crushing or near crushing heartbreak and live a life that keeps them away from that darkness - it's self reservation. It can debilitate them.  Rejection anxiety or sensitivity is at the core of this disorder along with impaired executive function (impulsiveness).

How they avoid and the extent that they avoid is very individualized.

In general, while as a group, we tend to be on a road of healing by grieving and introspection (as members of this support group), a partner with BPD or traits, will more likely be on the general road of avoidance of the emotional pain that could bring them down.  The degree varies in each couple/person.

THIS may very well be in the top three of the most bewildering aspects of these personalities. It is truly vexing and a dissonant issue for us the "grievers". Unfortunately it is a well understood and almost universal feature of the symptom constellation. It is termed "object constancy". Basically for me it means out of sight, out of mind... .literally. If she can't see me I simply don't exist as a real flesh and blood feeling person.

Object permanence, object consistency, and object relations theory is confusing as they use the same word to explain three very different things.  Sometimes the definitions get intertwined.

Here is a experts take on object relations theory which explains 3 emotional relationship modes typically seen in BPD.  In this definition, the word "object" means "relationship"

Level 1: When a major object/relationship is present and supportive, the depressive, bored, and lonely features predominate. Here the borderline person is at the first and best level of function. It is characterized by considerable conscious longing for closer attachment but considerable passivity and failure to initiate greater sharing within the context of the relationships. There is a capacity here to reflect on past failures and to identify conflicts and resistances realistically. There remains, however, considerable concern about the object's fragility and concurrent fears of being controlled by becoming dependent. More

Level 2: When a major object/relationship is frustrating to borderline persons or when the specter of their loss is raised, a second level of psychological functioning and a different constellation of clinical phenomena are evident. The angry, devaluative, and manipulative features predominate. Although the affective tone of anger is pervasive, it is only occasionally expressed as open rage. More frequently, it takes a modified form such as biting sarcasm, belligerent argumentativeness, or extreme demands. The anger is modified to alleviate fears of losing the object (in reality as well as its mental representation), while it still communicates the wish to maintain a hold on the person. More


Level 3: When a borderline person feels an absence or lack of any major object, then a third level of psychological function becomes predominant. The phenomena during such periods include the occurrence of brief psychotic episodes, panic states, or impulsive efforts to avoid such panic. These phenomena each represent efforts to ward off the subjective experience of aloneness and, I would add, total badness. Under ordinary circumstances, this aspect of the borderline around - even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy reliance on transitional objects. More