why do they need to inflict maximum pain?

[caughtnreleased]

It seems to be a recurring theme of people who have a BPDex... .after the breakup, they generally make sure that we KNOW who the rebound is, that we know their best qualities (BPD morphs into them), and we are always made to think that things are soo much BETTER than they were with us, that finally the new person is the ONE for whom they will have changed all their evil ways.  And I think this is really regardless of how well/badly the relationship went with them. In a way, it sort of reinforces the fact that everyone (including the new rebound) is an object to be used for their own needs. But why can't they just focus on their new person, without having to send us poison darts?  My BPDex let me know that he is engaged now.  I wish him well - but really, prior to that he made sure to tell me that the rebound was getting some of the things that I had wanted all along... .  If I were to do this to an ex, I would feel so miserable about myself for being cruel, I'm also a bad liar. I just can't really understand it.

[heartandwhole]

Unhooking, that is just awful.  I know I'd feel terrible if an ex told me something like that. I'm sorry that you are getting this news.  

Is there some reason that you are still in contact with your ex?  Or are you finding out things from social media, friends, etc?

It might feel good to take a break from his news, if you can, to give you time to focus on yourself and your healing.

[peas]

It seems to be a recurring theme of people who have a BPDex... .after the breakup, they generally make sure that we KNOW who the rebound is, that we know their best qualities (BPD morphs into them), and we are always made to think that things are soo much BETTER than they were with us, that finally the new person is the ONE for whom they will have changed all their evil ways.  And I think this is really regardless of how well/badly the relationship went with them. In a way, it sort of reinforces the fact that everyone (including the new rebound) is an object to be used for their own needs. But why can't they just focus on their new person, without having to send us poison darts?  My BPDex let me know that he is engaged now.  I wish him well - but really, prior to that he made sure to tell me that the rebound was getting some of the things that I had wanted all along... .  If I were to do this to an ex, I would feel so miserable about myself for being cruel, I'm also a bad liar. I just can't really understand it.

Unhooking, what was the context that your ex let you know he is engaged? Were you and he communicating in some way and he told you or did he just track you down during no contact to inform you? How long did it take him to become engaged?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry that's going on unhooking, it can be very painful.

My borderline treated me like her knight in shining armor and savior in the beginning, and slammed all her exes, so I got my turn on the pedestal, and once I was toppled I too got put in the scumbag pile while she fawns over the new one.

As we know, the pathology is characterized by idealization followed by devaluation, with the sufferer cycling through the vulnerable seducer, clinger and hater phases.  All of that has absolutely nothing to do with us, and it's inevitable regardless of who we are and how hard we try.  Serious Mental Illness.

A borderline typically doesn't take the time to process the demise of a relationship, the introspection would just be too painful, so they repress the emotions surrounding our relationship while they start the cycle over with someone else.  You would know better than us, but his primary emotion surrounding his relationship with you is probably shame, since on some level a borderline knows something just ain't right with them, and he might be blaming himself, not liking how that feels, and projecting it on you, so you've been 'painted black' to use a vague but common term around here.

So it's a flow-through system and you had your turn.  At this point you can accept the double whammy of having him be with someone else and slamming you, or you can let the pathology spin more pain and wreckage on it's own, which it will, while you disconnect, detach, and upgrade your life.  Your choice.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi unhooking, I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. 

fromheeltoheal really touches on the fact that it's not about you but all about him. He needs to feel better about replacing you and convincing the world that the replacement is so much better than you. Because if he didn't think that, it would be too painful to confront that fact that his choices and actions caused you and him so much pain.

Do you have any reason to remain in contact with him like children or legal things to hash out? Sometimes it's easier to let go when we keep them away through no contact. Hang in there, unhooking. 

[frag1911]

I'm with Heel/Heal, until he mentions that they repress their emotions about the past relationship.  What I'm seeing is a wide range of actions by BPs, from total abandonment of the past relationship to repeated attempts to recycle.  At least the ones who disappear are unwittingly doing their former partners something good for once.  

I'm thinking that many of the ones who come back with their rebound news are seeking a "high" by looking for a reaction from their last care giver, believe that they're hurting us, and self-affirm they have power over us.  As long as they believe that we think of them continuously (and some of us do, while we are recovering) then they'll continue to come around again to inflict pain on us.  

So with a rebound in their life, they have a double good time; they have the new love interest to start the whole process over with, and they rub the new relationship in the face of their former partner.

My response, I'm hoping and will find out soon enough, is that I already know that my stbxBPg/f will do exactly this type of thing, so I'm already prepared for it.  I've already started the disconnecting, such as FB, and the person who is monitoring her FB comments, only tells me that it's the same old stuff over and over again, but no details.  If something more serious starts showing up, then my monitor will let me know, but we've already decided that the monitoring will stop in 6 months.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I'm with Heel/Heal, until he mentions that they repress their emotions about the past relationship.  What I'm seeing is a wide range of actions by BPs, from total abandonment of the past relationship to repeated attempts to recycle.  At least the ones who disappear are unwittingly doing their former partners something good for once.  

I'm thinking that many of the ones who come back with their rebound news are seeking a "high" by looking for a reaction from their last care giver, believe that they're hurting us, and self-affirm they have power over us.  As long as they believe that we think of them continuously (and some of us do, while we are recovering) then they'll continue to come around again to inflict pain on us.  

So with a rebound in their life, they have a double good time; they have the new love interest to start the whole process over with, and they rub the new relationship in the face of their former partner.

My response, I'm hoping and will find out soon enough, is that I already know that my stbxBPg/f will do exactly this type of thing, so I'm already prepared for it.  I've already started the disconnecting, such as FB, and the person who is monitoring her FB comments, only tells me that it's the same old stuff over and over again, but no details.  If something more serious starts showing up, then my monitor will let me know, but we've already decided that the monitoring will stop in 6 months.

I agree with this notion 100%

They want to still be able to get to us but also have the emotional airbag of the replacement as their buffer to not have to feel the pain form their last relationships (Us). 

In a nutshell they are the worlds biggest douchebags.  I dont hate my exBPD, but I certainly wouldnt even piss on him if he was on fire either. 

And unhooking, mine did the same thing... Made sure he gave my replacement all of the things I had asked for over our two year relationship, and made sure i knew about it.  This seems to be a pretty standard pattern of behavior.

[caughtnreleased]

we have been NC for many months now. I've gotten the latest news from mutual friends, which seem to enjoy giving me updates on him, I'm not exactly sure why... .Yes I am trying to focus on myself, and most of the time I'd say I really have moved on, but every so often I get these tidbits, and I'm just wondering why they are so much more painful than other experiences of hearing about non's moving on.  Not only are we wounded, but it does seem that they take pleasure in twisting the knife a little bit deeper in our wounds.

[Clearmind]

Unhooking her perception of the relationship is completely different to yours. You cannot change what she does - you can change your reaction to it.

She has shown you who she is - accept her as she is - BPD is a shame based disorder - what she is doing "to you" says more about her than you - don't make it yours to own.

we have been NC for many months now. I've gotten the latest news from mutual friends, which seem to enjoy giving me updates on him, I'm not exactly sure why... .Yes I am trying to focus on myself, and most of the time I'd say I really have moved on, but every so often I get these tidbits, and I'm just wondering why they are so much more painful than other experiences of hearing about non's moving on.  Not only are we wounded, but it does seem that they take pleasure in twisting the knife a little bit deeper in our wounds.

Set a boundary - your call

[Somewhere]

Pity the newbie.

[Dr.Me2]

A borderline typically doesn't take the time to process the demise of a relationship, the introspection would just be too painful, so they repress the emotions surrounding our relationship while they start the cycle over with someone else.  

So true, the deep seated shame and the emotional baggage they carry contribute to such repression and block them out from any introspection which is what they badly need at the moment.

In my case, this can take place also as she return to baseline.