Thinking

[qwaszx]

Has anyone else's pwBPD ever apologized for "letting u be there at there darkest moments, and dragging u into there mess"... .

I was really happy that she was taking what I felt was some of the blam in the situation, but now I'm kind of upset about it... ."letting me be there" I mean what the heck? I'm not a victim! I chose to be there! I chose to walk those fiery steps(not that I understood at the time that it would cost

Me a lot emotionally and mentally) but regardless how does she think she can just walts in my world and say that "letting me be a part of this was a mistake" umm yes it was and she shouldn't of done what she did, but I hold just as much responsiablity to me life, as she does to hers. 

How come this has upset me now, when if first I felt releaved and happy that she owned her side.  Is it because it makes me feel like she holds all the power and I was helpless to my situation?  That she didn't only take her side of the story but my side also. Maybe I miss understood how she ment it... .should I just clarify to her that I hold the same amount of responsiablity towards my choices and my actions? That she didn't make me do anything, and that if the time I truly believed that what I was doin was the right thing. I wanted to be there, and that was my choice.

[seeking balance]

Anger is a natural result of grief... .having this "closure" kind of conversation is going to push our own grief buttons - thus you will feel anger.  Is it possible you are looking at something to be angry about rather go deeper and feel the deep sadness that the relationship is over?  I know for me that when I was angry, it was the step before going into the pain.

  Is it because it makes me feel like she holds all the power and I was helpless to my situation?  That she didn't only take her side of the story but my side also.

Perhaps - do you feel helpless with this situation?  I know I did.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi qwaszx, I echo seeking balance: beneath anger is usually suffering, and you might need to explore that pain in order to move on.  To be honest, I am uncertain why you are still doing the dance with your BPDex, unless she's not really your Ex.  If you are "taking personal inventory" and "building a new life," then I submit that what she meant is immaterial and that there is no need to clarify, which in my view is a contradiction in terms when it comes to a pwBPD.  Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine said "I'm sorry for my part in the ugliness" by email of course, she never approached talking the me like that in person, but it wasn't bad.  I'll take it.

Yes, the anger, justified I might add, was only a step in detachment.  There was a deep sadness that followed, and eventually I've ended up just seeing her as a disordered person I wanted so much more from and with.  But then floodgates opened.  Things I'd repressed with other people and other situations. some from long ago, came bubbling up, and a whole other dose of anger showed up, that is now dissipating to sadness.  That's the gift of the relationship to me, painful enough to finally break through my ability to repress, and sht just got real.  It's the good news really, purging all the old crap on the way to the life of my dreams, but sure sucks in the moment.  Onward... .

[qwaszx]

I think I got misunderstood, this convo wasn't a closing convo, or about it being over. I've felt those feelings, and I understand what u mean. I'd been through the "letting go" proses and it's sure does suck when the flood gates open... .

We are simply friends, when before it felt more like a relationship. Our relationship has change a lot, which is why I think its safe for my to be on the " building healthy relationship" board, it feel like about as normal of a relationship as someone might get with a pwBPD.

That being said it does take time for me to maintain healthy boundary's and limitations and remind myself of things I have learnt... sometimes i need to deal with feelings from the past that pop up when I think they are gone. So I post on the boards I feel are appropriate for me, I drift around a little to insure I'm not going backwards... it's ok if u don't understand lucky Jim.  I'm sorry, I understand how everyone would have got the impression that she's an ex who has no place in my life... I worded that all wrong...

So that convo was part of one that was about renewing our friendship, and working out stuff that's from our past since she's in therapy and is trying to communicate better, and trying to be this "new" side of herself... .

I did used to feel helpless at times to the situation at hand, it's hard to watch someone u care about self destruct., or feel like they are setting themselves up to fall. So might of just made me feel like I am a victim of this, I donno what u would call it, and I don't want to have those feelings because I'm not... .tho sometimes I feel like I was... . 

I talked to her about our 50/50 split, and how we were both at fault, and feel better.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey qwaszx, I'm not judging and will understand whatever you decide is the best course for you, which includes posting on this board or wherever you feel comfortable.  Your situation seems more complex than what I gleaned from your initial post, so I may have misunderstood your status.  Good luck working through these difficult issues, Lucky Jim

[Learning_curve74]

If her feelings are HER feelings and your feelings are YOUR feelings, then what's wrong if she feels like she dragged you into her mess and you feel like you chose it? Are feelings a competition to determine who's right and who's wrong?

It is very human to not enjoy feeling misunderstood. However, we have both an emotional voice and a rational voice, and I think we have to practice giving space to both. There is nothing wrong with being more emotional or more rational, just as long as we make wise choices in our lives, and the more times we do the wise thing, the more reinforcing it is, like a positive feedback loop. 

So... .what else do you want to do or want say to her?

[qwaszx]

Nothing, I don't want or need to say anything else to her about it... there isn't anything wrong with her feeling the way she does.  I just need to come to grips with the fact I can't "fix" how she feels... Or run myself into the ground to "prove" something to her that really doesn't matter... she can feel how ever she feels, and I can feel whatever I feel.

I just didn't like feeling she stole all the blame, the way I felt betrayed made me feel helpless(I'm sure it was a feeling from before) when I feel like we're both at fault... I'm not saying she needed to agree with that either, I just wanted to feel like I'm free to have a voice in all of this also.

I also don't want her thinking that when times get hard and she feels like talking she's a burden either... .

Hey lucky Jim thanks for your understanding:)

[Learning_curve74]

I just didn't like feeling she stole all the blame, the way I felt betrayed made me feel helpless(I'm sure it was a feeling from before) when I feel like we're both at fault... I'm not saying she needed to agree with that either, I just wanted to feel like I'm free to have a voice in all of this also.

I also don't want her thinking that when times get hard and she feels like talking she's a burden either... .

Hey qwaszx, I totally identify with what you're saying. I know my exBPDgf has a lot of self-esteem issues, and the end of our relationship was to her just more evidence that she's a screw up, will always be alone and no good. I never wanted and still don't want her to feel that way, but there's truly nothing I can do about it. It's okay to be frustrated about that, especially when you see somebody you loved or still love hurting themselves.   

[qwaszx]

thank you, that's exactly what I was trying to get at... but there always ends up being so many feelings, I never know what one to address first.  I always try to address all of them at once and get annoyed because Its just not possible...