vomiting hang-up call

[SweetCharlotte]

Exactly as the title states . . . he called me from his city (400 miles from where I live) and was still retching and gasping for breath after having emptied his stomach. He said it was food poisoning, same thing that happened to him last month. At that point he went to see his doc who said yeah, probably food poisoning. My uBPDh eats out for almost every meal when he is in his city. In my city, I nearly always cook and he has never been sick to his stomach.

I was alarmed hearing him gasp for breath. He just spent an overnight in the hospital last week because of shortness of breath. He was released after the overnight observation and told that his heart checked out OK. He even found out that he does NOT have a previously diagnosed condition of swollen aorta (which can be a pre-condition to aneurism). Last March he had surgery to remove a damaged part of his colon with diverticulitis, a condition that used to cause him to be hospitalized once a year. He still has some sort of liver abscess.

With his complex medical history, I became rather alarmed and started asking him where and what he ate today. He warned me that he didn't want to talk about food or about his condition. Still, after finding out he had macaroni salad for lunch, I had to ask what he had for breakfast. He said repeatedly, "I'm hanging up" as I tried to change the subject, but too late—he hung up on me.

It is such a downer to be treated this way while I am busy preparing all kinds of dishes for his visit on Thursday. I especially dislike him telling me that he is in trouble physically and then cutting me off. The message is that I cannot help him and I should buzz off. I texted him that I missed him and hoped he felt better. However, I was wondering, am I being a doormat? Should I have tried to impose a boundary on this hang-up behavior, and what could that be?

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[living in the past]

 hi sweetcharlett, i am still new here, and think of moving from the undecided board to this one ,your post makes me question that, i spent many times thinking i said the wrong thing, made a mistake,etc;i am learning here its not about that, we can"t win with what we say,because we never know what mood they are in, i am in a friend ship with a pwBPD,and its hard enough, hopefully you can use the time when you are not together to get back to being your self, right now i am using the term limited contact, i lost my self in this friendship,because of this illness,We are seperate from them ,and i have to try to save myself, hope to reply with you again and you to my posts thanks for posting.

[SweetCharlotte]

Gregory,

Most of the people who post on this board try to stay positive in some way. I would not give up on my marriage as long as we both love and need each other. I have no doubt that he loves me. When he hangs up on me or does something else that is painful, I remind myself that it is all about him and his issues, not about me. I hurt myself more when I try to break up with him. If you are not committed to your relationship yet, perhaps it is still better for you to cut your losses by ending it. Every situation is different.

He is truly sick both mentally and physically. The digestive problems are probably the result of his binge-eating disorder. Now he probably can't eat any of the special dishes I am making for Thanksgiving. If I express anything that can be taken as the mildest annoyance with him, he will see it as abuse and walk out the door. A trying time is ahead indeed.

[living in the past]

 i"m gald that you replied back, i need the communication with someone that has some understandering and dedication to try to help a friend or in your case husband with BPD, i know at times my friend gets a lot of help and support from me and and really does appreciates it, and tells me that.  I always thought that she was just bipolar,but she mentioned a few weeks ago that her social worker reminded her she has been diagnosed with BPD,  so now i get a clearer picture of what is going on,but i still take it personal and it hurt so much when they split, so this seems all so new to me and if i could just seperate the person from the illness i would maybe try to hang in there, i really don"t want to just walk away at this time but it seems every few weeks i get hurt again, thanks for posting and reading

[Grey Kitty]

However, I was wondering, am I being a doormat? Should I have tried to impose a boundary on this hang-up behavior, and what could that be?

I don't think there are easy boundaries for hanging up on you, and I don't think you are being a doormat.

My concern is that when you ask him about what he's been eating, that comes across critical and invalidating. I'd recommend you stop asking him about what he's eating, and try not to say anything judgmental about his food/diet. He is a grownup, and will eat what he wants to, whether it is healthy for him or not.

With his complex medical history, I became rather alarmed and started asking him where and what he ate today. He warned me that he didn't want to talk about food or about his condition. Still, after finding out he had macaroni salad for lunch, I had to ask what he had for breakfast. He said repeatedly, "I'm hanging up" as I tried to change the subject, but too late—he hung up on me.

I'm pretty impressed with him (as a pwBPD, at least!) here--he noticed that he was being somewhat triggered and tried to change the subject. Then he told you he was hanging up because you kept at it. He could have done far worse.

He's trying to warn you. Take it more seriously next time.

[SweetCharlotte]

WOW, I know. I was completely knocked off my feet by the sound of his gasping. It sounded like he was in the middle of a crisis. I was trying to gauge whether I needed to call an ambulance for him. It reminded me of my last phone conversation with another family member long ago who turned out to be terminally ill.

The poor guy is doing pretty well considering. He texted me a selfie this morning and he looked horrible. Still not sure he will be able to get on the plane tomorrow morning.