Exchanging gifts with a BPD

[SweetCharlotte]

Because of many problems in the past, I told my uBPDh (who lives 400 miles away) in June or so that he should stop buying presents for my kids and me for our birthdays and Christmas. He is in debt over $110K. Not only that, but he gets dysregulated over shopping for something for anyone other than himself. He thinks he will make a mistake, then asks me for an opinion and if I give one, BAM. I am at fault for causing him to select the wrong gift.

Now with Christmas approaching, he asked me for a very expensive gift and I said OK. It's more than twice what I usually spend for his present. He then emailed me that supplies were running out and I needed to purchase it right away. So I did. Then I asked him to buy me an item of clothing and gave him my specifications. It would cost less than half what the gift he extracted from me costs. He goes out every weekend looking for this item but cannot find a suitable one. Meanwhile, he asked me what to get my son (his stepson) but did not ask about his daughter (not his stepdaughter because she never had a Dad and when we married he was to become her father). I texted him to think about getting her something, not his stepson, because the boy's father (my ex-H) gives him presents.

So, I fell into his trap. He texted me in capital letters that I had commanded him not to buy the kids presents. I was now guilty of being inconsistent. I had forgotten about it and got sucked in after buying him the huge gift, asking for something for myself in return, and wishing that he would be generous with our daughter rather than talking about gifts for his stepson. But it's fine with me if he prefers to contribute monetarily to the presents I buy for her. Most kids get presents from Mom'n':)ad as one entity, not separate gifts from each parent.

Have I made a mistake by "commanding" him not to buy presents? Or was the mistake I made buying him the extra-expensive gift? Should I just refuse to speak about presents and tell him to buy or not buy whatever he wishes? I don't want our Christmas to be ruined and it seems like he is really gearing up to do a number on me.

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[Mono No Aware]

The holidays are rough times for us Nons.

They do crave consistency, even as their erratic behavior patterns ceaselessly undermine and sabotage it.

I would chalk this up as a "morale to the story, stick to your guns" experience: no gift buying.

Also, I have to say that it does you no good to have the mindset that he deliberately laid a trap for you. No, he is just being BPD lack of maturity and disabled decision-making and this is how these situations just end up as their minds twist and turn.

[SweetCharlotte]

I have to say that it does you no good to have the mindset that he deliberately laid a trap for you. No, he is just being BPD lack of maturity and disabled decision-making and this is how these situations just end up as their minds twist and turn.

Very true. I need to be consistent but my memory is not as good as it used to be. I could not believe how I forgot so easily the solution to the gift-exchange problem, and fell right back into the pattern of helping him obsess and get distressed over holiday shopping. I wanted him to have the expensive gift he asked me for, and I knew he probably couldn't buy it himself. I should have just bought it for him, but not as a Christmas gift, and not sent him out looking for something for me. Oh well. Thanks.

[Grey Kitty]

Holidays tend to be tough for the pwBPD too... .not just the non!