after one month NC just got a text :(

[Aw511]

my personal opinion: don't contact. it is so easy to get sucked back in even if you think you are past it. they don't respect requests for NC anyway (at least mine didn't) so it is useless to ask her to stop contacting you. i just changed my number to stop the madness with mine and i wish i had done it 3 months ago. not just for my sake, for both of ours. our union was very unhealthy on both ends, and one of us had to be strong and stop the cycle. i don't love/care about him any less, and i realize he will probably hate me when he figures out i did this, but at this point, i am a trigger for him, so not being in each others in any capacity lives is best for both of us. good luck  

[redkong]

Heartandwhole - thanks for your comment.  I think I have been somewhat subconsciously using this very strategy.  I've been burned enough times by impulsive responses,  and I've learned to breathe before doing anything. These boards are also awesome for helping to take some time and think carefully - so grateful for everyone here.

Aw511 - I appreciate what you said about being strong, stopping the cycle, not caring any less but being willing to let the pwBPD hate you.  This is all helpful - thanks.

I've been thinking a lot since last night.  Part of my issue here really is my own issue.  I'm trying to sort through and understand why I feel any desire to respond when I know very clearly I DON'T want to talk with her.  I don't think I care if she thinks I'm rude - she already blames me for everything anyway, and replying politely to decline won't change that.  I do care what I think of myself, and I know I've been very proud I took care of myself and walked away from this nightmare.  I think the whole experience messed with my mind though, and I find myself examining my behaviors and freaking out if I do anything remotely BPD, even though I know some typical BPD behaviors can actually be fine on occasion and in certain contexts.

One thing I do know clearly - when her text came through yesterday, my stomach immediately knotted up, and it took me right back to the memories of the hellish roller coaster.  I am very clear in my mind that I will not go back.  I wish for closure, but now I can see I don't really want to get there by interacting with her.  

I should probably block her number on my phone, as it would save me a lot of grief.  I'll have to think on that too, on why I haven't taken that step.