after one month NC just got a text :(

[redkong]

I broke up with my BPDexgf about a month ago, maybe 5 weeks.  I got a grief flurry of texts and emails in the first week, but I never replied, and she stopped.  Today, out of the blue, I got a text asking me to please talk with her.  I don't really want to talk with her, but wonder if maybe it would bring some closure.  I know, not likely, but is it worth trying?  Should I even answer the text?  I feel horrible just ignoring her. 

I hate this.

Any advice or words of wisdom from your experiences?

[fromheeltoheal]

If yours was anything like mine, there will be no closure, and talking to her will be jumping back into the crazy.  Personally I was tired of feeling like sht about myself, so staying clear was the only option, even though the pull of the addiction buzz was still strong.

I'd say either ignore it or send one back that says "Please do not contact me again", which will allow you to ignore future ones if there are any.  Up to you obviously, just don't do anything you'll regret, and make sure you handle any unfinished business so you can move on with a clear conscience.

[necchi]

What do you want out of this ?are you well enough for a second episode of crazy making you shouldn't have come back, its about me, you always did this to me?

[Waifed]

What do you want out of this ?are you well enough for a second episode of crazy making you shouldn't have come back, its about me, you always did this to me?

What we all want. Too find out that they aren't sick and all of the prior behavior was not real, they were just afraid to commit. Wouldn't it be a fairy tale ending to this Hell we have gone through.

[redkong]

Good points.  I'm pretty clear in my mind about not recycling - I don't want to be with her.  It's partly my desire for closure that makes me consider talking.  Even though I'm the one who left, it was after a horrible episode on her part.  We didn't talk about it, she just railed at me and I said I was done.

Honestly, I mostly just feel horribly rude by ignoring her completely.  I'm thinking about a response like this: "I understand you would like to talk, but based on our most recent interactions, what's best for me is no contact.  I have to put my own needs first at this time.  Please do not contact me again."

Too soft?  

[fromheeltoheal]

Good points.  I'm pretty clear in my mind about not recycling - I don't want to be with her.  It's partly my desire for closure that makes me consider talking.  Even though I'm the one who left, it was after a horrible episode on her part.  We didn't talk about it, she just railed at me and I said I was done.

Honestly, I mostly just feel horribly rude by ignoring her completely.  I'm thinking about a response like this: "I understand you would like to talk, but based on our most recent interactions, what's best for me is no contact.  I have to put my own needs first at this time.  Please do not contact me again."

Too soft?  

I wouldn't say as much, and notice "please don't contact me again" is a polite command.  Any extra words just inspire a response, and off to the races you might go again.  If you feel rude and feel like you need to do something to preserve your own integrity, then by all means, just make sure you protect yourself too.

I learned about BPD after I left her, and her contact attempts later, which I didn't respond to, were transparent and full of manipulation attempts.  I was actually proud of myself for coming as far as I had and seeing through it, something I would probably have fallen for a few months prior.  Plus it made her look that much more ridiculous and confirmed my decision.

[Perfidy]

Redkong... .You have got a really good start there. Why throw away the progress by communicating with her? You said yourself that it makes you sick to talk to her. Text ... .Whatever. Communication is a double edge sword. When I was confronted with communication I simply blocked the number. Problem solved. Then she tried again from another number I recognized to be her parents phone. Did not answer. Will not find it necessary to communicate with her again in this lifetime. Wish it were different but that's how it is. She is the only one that I have ever gone this route with. Why? Because its called for. I understand now. Some bridges must be burned to the ground. This is one of those bridges. I didn't always feel this way... .I had to get strong and stay strong for myself. Knowing which bridges to cross and which ones to burn makes perfect sense to me now. Scorched earth. Ever since that little girl ripped my heart out and held it up to my face while it was still beating she hasn't had a single problem with me.

[necchi]

Waifed of course i know. Its a reply i had when not realy long ago i was asking similar, but it stayed in my mind

[Waifed]

Waifed of course i know. Its a reply i had when not realy long ago i was asking similar, but it stayed in my mind

marinro7,

I agree with your statement. Mine was sarcastic, unfortunately.   :'(

[redkong]

Thanks for all the input and support.  I'm so pissed that she contacted me.  Do you think she knows I have a hard time being rude and ignoring messages/texts?  I know you don't know her, but manipulating people through their soft spots or kindness would fit with BPD, right?

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for all the input and support.  I'm so pissed that she contacted me.  Do you think she knows I have a hard time being rude and ignoring messages/texts?  I know you don't know her, but manipulating people through their soft spots or kindness would fit with BPD, right?

Borderlines are expert boundary busters, that's how they attach.  Here's an opportunity to work on some boundary reinforcement.

[ShadowDancer]

Thanks for all the input and support.  I'm so pissed that she contacted me.  Do you think she knows I have a hard time being rude and ignoring messages/texts?  I know you don't know her, but manipulating people through their soft spots or kindness would fit with BPD, right?

Manipulating people in any way possible would fit with BPD, right?

[DragoN]

Manipulating people in any way possible would fit with BPD, right?

Don't forget projection and mirroring.

Nons do the same though, but not to the same degree. Question of degree as usual.

[Waifed]

Manipulating people in any way possible would fit with BPD, right?

Don't forget projection and mirroring.

Nons do the same though, but not to the same degree. Question of degree as usual.

I think it is more attempting to control their partners than manipulation.

[necchi]

Redkong, if You want to detach from this crazy diarrhea, stop asking yourself what she thinks of you, react from you, impales from... .It doesn't belong to you, actually, the only thinking you must prioritize is upon you. Right now we are responsible of getting in touch within ourself, assess the damage, fix it in a way it won't go down for the same reason. Fort knox has been pulled to the ground, now is time to rebuilt it. My boundaries have been violated for long and not only by my exBPD, i let people trough to get vAlidation, acceptance, name it. I knew this from long but i decide to fix it now,... .People will get hurt, hate me, talk against me, judge me... .pffffffff great! Its ME, its about ME now be selfish and think of you, try limiting your worries time, sounds stupid, well it works !

[necchi]

FYI i was calling the pd diarrhea! Not the girl

[DragoN]

I think it is more attempting to control their partners than manipulation.

Manipulation is a form of control.

It doesn't belong to you, actually, the only thinking you must prioritize is upon you. Right now we are responsible of getting in touch within ourself, assess the damage, fix it in a way it won't go down for the same reason. Fort knox has been pulled to the ground, now is time to rebuilt it. My boundaries have been violated for long and not only by my exBPD, i let people trough to get vAlidation, acceptance, name it. I knew this from long but i decide to fix it now,... .People will get hurt, hate me, talk against me, judge me... .pffffffff great! Its ME, its about ME now be selfish and think of you, try limiting your worries time, sounds stupid, well it works !

Pretty much.

[MrFox]

I'm going to assume two things here and feel free to correct me.  You want to talk like adults, gain some of the closure you were talking about, and maybe part ways not hating one another.  Second, you are a nice, caring person who loved (loves?) this woman and ignoring her is hard because of your feelings for her.

That's how it was for me.  I tried to get that closure, I tried to be an adult about it, and I beat myself up for ignoring her communication attempts.  I never got the closure I wanted (still want) and I won't ever.  I got one recycle attempt and I got verbally abused by someone with the emotional maturity of a three year-old.

I know we didn't date the same woman (or did we?  ) but it seems a lot of pwBPD seem to follow similar patterns.  No contact really is this best way to go about it.

[redkong]

marinro7 - I know you meant the PD, not the person.  Thanks so much for your input.

Megan - I think you're right, manipulation is a form of control.

MrFox - yes, exactly!  That's how I feel, what I want, and what I know is not likely to happen.


I am realizing that her recent text is still all about her.  SHE wants to talk.  :)ammit, just when I'd reached a point of moving on and starting to heal, now my mind is spinning about her again.  Not about a question of recycling, but just trying to be considerate.  Why would I try to extend courtesy to someone who blatantly stomped and spat on my needs repeatedly?  I guess that's really the question I need to explore.  I escaped this toxic relationship relatively quickly, but the suck and draw was still powerful.  I will not go back, but clearly still have some things to learn about myself.

[redkong]

MrFox - actually, ignoring her is also hard due to my own standards for myself: treat people with kindness even when it isn't reciprocated.  Part of my battle is the conflict between doing what is kindest for myself (NC) and what seems kindest toward her.

[MrFox]

Why would I try to extend courtesy to someone who blatantly stomped and spat on my needs repeatedly?  I guess that's really the question I need to explore.  

This right here is a great question to be asking yourself.  That everyone should ask themselves that finds themselves on this board.  

Also, not responding is not being discourteous, it is protecting yourself and setting boundaries, two things that you have a right to do.  She has demonstrated that she does not care about your needs/wants/boundaries and you have excused yourself from the relationship and contact with her.  Actions have consequences, something pwBPD disorder seem to have a hard time grasping.

I can understand what you say about kindness and I operate much the same way.  I am learning, however, that kindness to yourself should be first and foremost, followed by kindness to others.  I think so much of that feels selfish to those on this board, but it really is the healthier way to live life.

[necchi]

Redkong i must tell you that for me posting is a way to reinforce what must be done in my life and it works. I'm deeply hurt to i still hold magical thoughts that i must push away and come to acceptance with. What i write i apply . She has broken me, but in the end it is my fault. I cannot be with this person, ever. so might as well work in this sense and face it out. It's far from being easy but i will be ok. You will be ok     

[fromheeltoheal]

I can understand what you say about kindness and I operate much the same way.  I am learning, however, that kindness to yourself should be first and foremost, followed by kindness to others.  I think so much of that feels selfish to those on this board, but it really is the healthier way to live life.

Yep, and people pleasers like me, prime targets for borderlines, will always put other people's needs ahead of our own.  That's actually the main gift I got from my borderline experience; she was the one who finally pushed me too far, and I'm finally learning to stand up for myself.  Hallelujah!

[MrFox]

I can understand what you say about kindness and I operate much the same way.  I am learning, however, that kindness to yourself should be first and foremost, followed by kindness to others.  I think so much of that feels selfish to those on this board, but it really is the healthier way to live life.

Yep, and people pleasers like me, prime targets for borderlines, will always put other people's needs ahead of our own.  That's actually the main gift I got from my borderline experience; she was the one who finally pushed me too far, and I'm finally learning to stand up for myself.  Hallelujah!

Amen, brother!  I too got that gift of clarity after me and my ex parted ways.  I have come to realize why I bring people like that into my life and am working very hard to break those thought patterns and cycles.  Be proud of yourself.

[Suzn]

actually, ignoring her is also hard due to my own standards for myself: treat people with kindness even when it isn't reciprocated.

This is a good way to be and this also sounds like you are talking yourself into a response.  

Part of my battle is the conflict between doing what is kindest for myself (NC) and what seems kindest toward her.

How kind do you think "do not contact me" will feel to her? (no matter how nicely you say it) 5 weeks isn't that long at all. NC is for you, to get a footing on your emotions. It sounds as though you have some strong emotions around this still. It also sounds as though she is pleading with you to talk with her, how strong do you think her emotions are right now? It wasn't a "Merry Christmas" or "hope you are doing well"... .what do you think would be best for both of you?

[redkong]

Suzn,

What I meant was that I'm battling between NC (for me) and responding (what feels "polite", what she's asking for; I don't know what is actually best for her).

FHTH and MrFox - I too have struggled to set good boundaries and put myself first. That's actually one way I'm proud of myself in this recent r/s - that I finally reached a point where I set boundaries, prioritized myself, and walked away.  

I don't want to talk with her, I don't want to return to the roller coaster even briefly for a conversation.  I'm struggling to give myself permission to ignore her message.  These boards are helping me work thru that - thank you all.  

[MrFox]

Suzn,

What I meant was that I'm battling between NC (for me) and responding (what feels "polite", what she's asking for; I don't know what is actually best for her).

FHTH and MrFox - I too have struggled to set good boundaries and put myself first. That's actually one way I'm proud of myself in this recent r/s - that I finally reached a point where I set boundaries, prioritized myself, and walked away.  

I don't want to talk with her, I don't want to return to the roller coaster even briefly for a conversation.  I'm struggling to give myself permission to ignore her message.  These boards are helping me work thru that - thank you all.  

What would be best for her would be a willingness to admit that there is a problem and that she needs therapy to deal with it.  Since only she can make that decision in her life, nothing you do is going to change her.  You are not responsible for her or her mental health, just as she isn't responsible for you or yours.  Since you can only control you, I would say NC is still the way to go, since you want it that way.  My guess is she most likely wants you back to alleviate her feelings of abandonment, along with whatever else is going on inside of her.  You don't want to be in a relationship with her.  I would say you opening up the doors of communication would just give her the false hope that she can get you back.  Better that she realize it's over and move on.

Again, you should be proud of yourself.  It's hard but it's very worth it.  Keep fighting.  If you don't want to respond to her, then don't. Again, I know the urge is hard to fight.

[State85]

I’m going through an identical situation as well. uBPDexgf started texting me this past Friday asking if we could talk. In the past when I fell for this, it was the same thing over and over….her motive for wanting to talk quickly turned to a bashing of me and how I treated her badly in the r/s. 

I have found that the only times she contacts me whether by text or voice mail is when she is not receiving any attention from someone else. If she is occupied or receiving attention from one of her boyfriends (yes that is plural), I will not hear from her.

She does not care how I am feeling, or that if I talk with her how those emotions that were in check, are now out again……...

[heartandwhole]

redkong,

You are doing very, very well at 5 weeks out!  I commend you. 

I think all the posters have made great points.  She wants to talk to you and you don't want to talk to her – so don't.  The longer you wait to decide your course of action, the calmer your emotions will be, and you may see her contact in another light. 

Remember, her feelings when she wrote that text might be completely different, or even opposite, now. 

Just keep stalling until you don't feel that "urgency" to respond anymore.  Then, you may find that you feel fine about it.  Or, you may feel that you want to send a short acknowledgement, decline the invitation, or whatever.  The point is, impulsive action often leads to hurt in these cases.  I know of what I speak.  

[fromheeltoheal]

redkong,

You are doing very, very well at 5 weeks out!  I commend you.  

I think all the posters have made great points.  She wants to talk to you and you don't want to talk to her – so don't.  The longer you wait to decide your course of action, the calmer your emotions will be, and you may see her contact in another light.  

Remember, her feelings when she wrote that text might be completely different, or even opposite, now.  

Just keep stalling until you don't feel that "urgency" to respond anymore.  Then, you may find that you feel fine about it.  Or, you may feel that you want to send a short acknowledgement, decline the invitation, or whatever.  The point is, impulsive action often leads to hurt in these cases.  I know of what I speak.  

Yes!  One tool that really helped me was anger.  It was very hard that early to see through the fog and separate all of the totally unacceptable crap she pulled from the addictive loving feelings I felt, so I made a list of abusive, condescending, disrespectful, and belittling things she'd done and said, and that list really helped me stay away long enough for the emotions to wane a little and for me to get my feet on the ground and look at things a little more objectively.  Take care of you!