The Conversation I Want To Have

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

And might... .but I alternate between keeping things civil... .

I was thinking about all she has done in the past 8 months. Keeping in mind that while we live in a large city, we live in a somewhat tight ethnic community.

Then I reversed our roles and thought what if I did everything she did, and used the same lame excuses: presenting myself as the unloved and uncared for "male waif" in public, which justified me going out partying, leaving her home to watch the kids more and more, work her butt off, her take care of our finances and trying to keep us solvent while I complained about us not going on expensive vacations and doing things I wanted to the house, she buy ME an expensive car, and then ME taking up with some young coed at the local college, keeping it secret (but still wanting her to buy ME that car, then having her blow $10K on me when I decided it was "over,".

Then the cruel things like staying out until 4:30 AM on a weeknight while SHE stayed home with the kids, LYING about going out on "men's night" when I was really going out with the young coed, not being able to keep it in my pants when my sister came out to visit after more than a year, but having HER go visit the first night and take care of our kids, while I mistakenly send HER a lovey-dovey text meant for my young co-ed, then said co-ed have the gall to call me when we were sitting down at dinner with our kids, and me saying, "What do you want me to say, that I'm sorry?" And so on, and so forth.

If all that was publicly known, not just my "mistake" as I called it to her (which I keep doing!), how would people think of me?

The biggest Piece of !@#$ on this side of town, that's what!

Maybe I should leave out that last line if I get the chance to tell her this... .not that it will make any difference. Her excuse is that she's "sick" and that I'm "judging" her.

The whole thing is sick, actually, pretty much like every story here.

[Turkish]

And might... .but I alternate between keeping things civil... .

I was thinking about all she has done in the past 8 months. Keeping in mind that while we live in a large city, we live in a somewhat tight ethnic community.

Then I reversed our roles and thought what if I did everything she did, and used the same lame excuses: presenting myself as the unloved and uncared for "male waif" in public, which justified me going out partying, leaving her home to watch the kids more and more, work her butt off, her take care of our finances and trying to keep us solvent while I complained about us not going on expensive vacations and doing things I wanted to the house, she buy ME an expensive car, and then ME taking up with some young coed at the local college, keeping it secret (but still wanting her to buy ME that car, then having her blow $10K on me when I decided it was "over,".

Then the cruel things like staying out until 4:30 AM on a weeknight while SHE stayed home with the kids, LYING about going out on "men's night" when I was really going out with the young coed, not being able to keep it in my pants when my sister came out to visit after more than a year, but having HER go visit the first night and take care of our kids, while I mistakenly send HER a lovey-dovey text meant for my young co-ed, then said co-ed have the gall to call me when we were sitting down at dinner with our kids, and me saying, "What do you want me to say, that I'm sorry?" And so on, and so forth.

If all that was publicly known, not just my "mistake" as I called it to her (which I keep doing!), how would people think of me?

The biggest Piece of !@#$ on this side of town, that's what!

Maybe I should leave out that last line if I get the chance to tell her this... .not that it will make any difference. Her excuse is that she's "sick" and that I'm "judging" her.

The whole thing is sick, actually, pretty much like every story here.

[santa]

She probably needs to hear it. Not saying it'll have any effect on her, but those are terrible things to do to someone. I'm sure she already knows you didn't appreciate what she did though.

Don't get carried away with it and get yourself into trouble, but since you live with her, you might as well say it.

[necchi]

From all your post I'm reading Turkish, and i read em all, you ain't moving forward having her around, you know this but i just had to remind you i guess. You're  genuine Turk,  but missing out. Your already playing both roles in this craziness, i doubt the kids will mind mommy living elsewhere and daddy and the kids will realize the atmosphere change, less static ?     I understand and far from judgemental.

[Turkish]

From all your post I'm reading Turkish, and i read em all, you ain't moving forward having her around, you know this but i just had to remind you i guess. You're  genuine Turk,  but missing out. Your already playing both roles in this craziness, i doubt the kids will mind mommy living elsewhere and daddy and the kids will realize the atmosphere change, less static ?     I understand and far from judgemental.

I  made an appointment with another lawyer in two weeks to discuss everything,  including my options for evicting her ( the queen tendencies in her are waiting for the right place to come up,  she's had affordable housing apps in for almost two months now,  on several waiting lists).  Things are civil,  but I  hate my kids thinking this is normal. At least her cheating dad  still sleeps in the same bed as her mom.  the couch is now " mommy's bed" according to S3.  Messing up the kids,  one day at a time... .

Santa, I  will probably get the chance to say this.  Civil now,  but now it's  ME that gets triggered easily.

[necchi]

   Great to hear this !

[damage control]

It just sounds so awful Turkish.

I am so sorry that you are stuck in that mess ... .you WILL find a way through.

[goldylamont]

I  made an appointment with another lawyer in two weeks to discuss everything,  including my options for evicting her ( the queen tendencies in her are waiting for the right place to come up,  she's had affordable housing apps in for almost two months now,  on several waiting lists).  Things are civil,  but I  hate my kids thinking this is normal. At least her cheating dad  still sleeps in the same bed as her mom.  the couch is now " mommy's bed" according to S3.  Messing up the kids,  one day at a time... .

Santa, I  will probably get the chance to say this.  Civil now,  but now it's  ME that gets triggered easily.

Turkish, so sorry you're dealing with this. If the situations were reversed, you're right, you'd be seen as being completely abusive and crazy. I'm wondering if it's possible to use the justifiable anger you have to help prepare for removing her from the premises. Sounds like you already are doing a lot of this and contacting lawyers. Also may be a good idea to start recording (audio/video) especially if you have to coerce her to leave. This may not be admissible in court but could serve to your favor if she ever tries to accuse you of being abusive. Your ex is still receiving the benefit and comfort of the home you are providing while being able to do whatever else she wants and have you at home as a free babysitter. So, she may not really see the need to move out until there is someone offering her a 'better' situation (from her weird point of view). Check out this checklist below as I think it has a lot of good advice that you can start to do now while you are waiting to speak with your legal team:

www.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/leaving-an-abusive-wife-pre-divorce-checklist/

www.Tara P Shrinks4Men blog.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/how-do-i-get-my-crazy-abusive-girlfriend-out-of-my-house-and-my-life/

[arn131arn]

That sucks, man.  Is your name the only name on the house?

Mine was, and I just had the locks changed.

She's started staying with her sister in September.  Left all her belongings at my house.  Using me as a storage unit. 

At day 90 had the locks changed and I can technically throw all of her belongings away since she abandoned them over 90 days ago.  Prob won't though.

I feel you, man. That sucks... .I thought I had it bad.  Damn, I wish I wasn't such a newbie and knew more so I could help you.  But I can listen and I can empathize.

Sorry

[Turkish]

That sucks, man.  Is your name the only name on the house?

Yes. She put a little bit of sweat equity in when we got it, and bought the piping material when we repiped it (I paid for labor), but since I put the money down, took the risk, I never felt the need to put her name on it. I've made the mortgage payments, and her cash contribution to the non-mortgage houshold budget has always been minimal. I've had her contribute nothing for months, due to the car buying fiasco a few months ago. She does point out that she pays childcare, so I will give her that. Can't say that she contributes nothing. We'll split that once she leaves. If we had gotten married, it would have been common property anyway. One of her friends questioned why I never put her name on it (like I care), because we "were a team". Yeah, some team!

Mine was, and I just had the locks changed.

She's started staying with her sister in September.  Left all her belongings at my house.  Using me as a storage unit.  

At day 90 had the locks changed and I can technically throw all of her belongings away since she abandoned them over 90 days ago.  Prob won't though.

I feel you, man. That sucks... .I thought I had it bad.  :)amn, I wish I wasn't such a newbie and knew more so I could help you.  But I can listen and I can empathize.

Sorry

The kids complicate the heck out of everything. She would have left if not for them (or I would have put her stuff on the lawn, tenent laws... .let her have tried something).

Things are pretty calm now. I sense another subtle change... .though last night she told me I could cancel her gym membership, which was odd, since she was so into going there almost every night for the past year. When she leaves, I will get my key back and change the deadbolt into a keypad lock. That, along with the alarm system, and I should be fine. I don't distrust her in that regard. We'll see what she says in a few weeks when I once again present the CS and custody plan. I'll get her to sign, everything being by guideline so she won't have to hire a lawyer to fight it (which I don't think she will if it's by the book), then if she still doesn't want to move out, look at eviction options, but to not get myself in trouble regarding custody.

I saw some bad things here... .but all in all she doesn't hate me, which I know I have it better than a lot of people here. Since she discarded me romantically/emotionally, I don't trigger her rages anymore (three big arguments in the past 4 months... .not too bad, and I realized I was escalating these on my side, so I stopped), only like two little ones. And my presence still provides her with emotional security, and I think she appreciates it on some level.

I'm over my lamentations about our r/s, thankfully. I don't know, but maybe the way this has been playing out has been better in that regard? Now, it's just the kids and the coming economic hit and planning re: CS. I'm still keeping on my toes and ultimately not trusting her though, no matter how nice she seems on the surface. I've been lucky I haven't been painted black as a father, but then no one where we live ultimately counts, IMO. I just hope new year means new life... .Tired of this "in-between" crap.