Who of you nookies has been brutally dumped by BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi difficult,

I was being pushed away but could not help him. I could only be faithful to myself and drew boundaries that's the only thing I could do. I thinked this "helped" in a way but niot really changed things. He is the only one who can really change things. My drewing boundaries helped in the sense that it gave him a healthy perspective and surrounding. His family and friends are outcasts and very invalidating so they could not give him clear vision. By dawing boundaries I gave him a healthy world in a way. this is the most I could do. But it was not enough. He is surrounded by x-x-x-xed up people so he can go on with his ways of dealing with things. There's no way I could have changed anything. They only change when they are stuck with themselves. I don't know about your ex but mine has so many opportunities to denie he has a problem. Another relationship... .nothing wrong with me I have found the perfect woman... .his parents who are invalidating by supporting his x-x-x-xed up lifestyle and helping him out like he is a baby keeping him in a very dependant position. Why would he change? They only change if they somehow see no other options. 

My ex could behave very mature and you could not see that he was "crazy". He appears very normal on the surface. Don't get confused by appearence... .the deeper layer is extremely x-x-x-xed up... .you only get to see this when you are in the relationship more deeply.

Hope to have answered some of your questions?

Magnum

[Magnum]

Hi difficult,

I was being pushed away but could not help him. I could only be faithful to myself and drew boundaries that's the only thing I could do. I thinked this "helped" in a way but niot really changed things. He is the only one who can really change things. My drewing boundaries helped in the sense that it gave him a healthy perspective and surrounding. His family and friends are outcasts and very invalidating so they could not give him clear vision. By dawing boundaries I gave him a healthy world in a way. this is the most I could do. But it was not enough. He is surrounded by x-x-x-xed up people so he can go on with his ways of dealing with things. There's no way I could have changed anything. They only change when they are stuck with themselves. I don't know about your ex but mine has so many opportunities to denie he has a problem. Another relationship... .nothing wrong with me I have found the perfect woman... .his parents who are invalidating by supporting his x-x-x-xed up lifestyle and helping him out like he is a baby keeping him in a very dependant position. Why would he change? They only change if they somehow see no other options. 

My ex could behave very mature and you could not see that he was "crazy". He appears very normal on the surface. Don't get confused by appearence... .the deeper layer is extremely x-x-x-xed up... .you only get to see this when you are in the relationship more deeply.

Hope to have answered some of your questions?

Magnum

[difficult]

Indeed you did answer my questions Magnum.

Wow, the similarities between your ex and mine are striking. Her family background is totally messed up as well. She has always been the strong one, and I would be against her getting advised by some of the people in her surroundings (i.e. drugs and the like). The background is improving, but still not what it should be. I am not saying that mine is perfect, but it has been a safe haven for me. She mentioned to me a couple of times (after we were at my home) that that is what she always missed.

I think (although I hope not) that she will again run into someone, do the same thing, etc. Just like you mentioned in your post. Then again, she will run into this perfect guy, etc.

I hope I get to talk to her in about a month or so, and perhaps deal with some issues... .I do think I did make some mistakes as well, as I could have caught some signs earlier... .I was hoping that structure and reaching goals would help her deal with some things. They became too much for her though... .There were enough signs though that it could go wrong, in hindsight.

My ex also acts really, really mature. She is really intelligent (one of the reasons I loved being with her, she stimulated me intellectually as well), and one could not see anything on the surface.

Well, I will keep reading the other posts. It helps me understand my current situation. Thanks for the replies.

[burnedbad]

Brutally dumped...

Yes thats a great way to put it... after i was recontacted for reconciliation... after we broke it off the first time... because he got lost in the moment with a friends W... mind you...

Yes of course there was someone waiting in the wings... there has to be...

and yes we were closer than we had ever been... seemed we had really got thru alot of things...

not even a week before. I was told "how deeply Help loved me"... I even heard that I would be pulsing thru his blood for the rest of his life...

He seems keenly aware of his emotions... the highs and lows... would drop out of existance for a day or two... stating he didnt feel himself...

TO be honest... after I got the ax... I at first was kind and somewhat diplomatic... but the fact he had the balls to call me like it was no big deal days later... and want to talk... ( ing)

I let him have it... with both barrels...   I didnt care...

I think us NONs have to stand up for ourselves... have some self esteem...

IT hurt like hell I oculd not believe it was the same person talking to me... he had done a 180 and I didnt do a dam thing wrong...

In the end >>My last words where I deserve more than this... and sent him packing...

OH GOd it still hurts sometimes. but I m coming to understand it more and more...

I keep telling myself... he didnt mean a dam thing he said... he was a lier and a manlipulator...

I was vulnerable... totally...

I wanted to believe he was what he was...

I was in love with the illusion he put in front of me. and he played it to the hilt...

All i Know is this... He met someone on an airplane on a flght back from a business trip... and

everything... we had ... went down the shtter hole...

I Knew something was up because i had not heard from him in 11 days...

then finally he emailed me of all things...

ANyway... I know it hurts... nookies. but the one thing we all have is self esteem... and we have to preserve it...

IT hurt like a knife in my back... but i had to slam the door in his face period and move on...

IT really does help knowing he admitted mantal illness to me... if he didnt I would stil lbe shaking my head saying WTH happened... Now he is someone elses problem... and i Have not heard back from him... Im sur ei was painted black... because I could not accept another blunder... even my ego was starting to hurt...

I say the hell with all of their selfish screwed up asses...

Absolutley THE MOST SELFISH PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET>>

its all about them... and when u can do what they want... door mat wise... they will rip you a new one...

Okay im done... feeling somewhat devilish myself tonight...

but even on my worst day... I have more character than tha turd I put up with... :evil:

[burnedbad]

One final thought... and no im not drinking tonight...

OD you thing that any of  the BPD people in our life spend half as much time giving a crap how we felt or trying to figure us out...

If we spent the time we spent on their lame ass life and how it affecte dus and put it towards US working on us taking care of us... We would be... feeling  more balanced... centered and loved...

[Magnum]

Hi Burnedbad,

Sorry to hear you have been so terribly hurt. I am going through exactly the same thing.

Don't you think that it is very strange that so many nookies have experienced excactly the same thing... .extreme words of love (talking about marriage... .never loved so much... .pulsing through his blood forever as your x said) and then BANG! The end... .

I think there is more to it than only them being manipulators and egoists.

Isn't obvious that they are afraid of the getting closer to us and just have to run?

In the end it might not make a difference because it hurts to be treated this way no matter what the real deeper reasons are.

Magnum

[brucey]

My ex gf, diagnosed BPD, called me her soulmate and true love, not just to me, but to family and friends.  She proposed to me, I accepted.  I bought us a house, her a diamond ring and car.  We lived together for about two years, and then out of the blue she dumped me over the phone and moved in with another man.  Just days before dumping me she told her family I was her soulmate, and wrote me a very romantic letter saying how much she loved me and looked forward to taking my name.  The night before she dumped me she told me how much she loved me and was planning our future together.

I do not think she was afraid of intimacy.  I think she is a con artist who leads men on because it is fun.  She enjoys seducing men and taking them to a romantic high, but enjoys illicit sexual and romantic involvements and beginning with someone new.  I do not know why she takes it so far; for example, proposing marriage, although perhaps she is just immature and so used to the con game that it seems normal to her.  It is her nature.  It is what she does.  It is fun.

For me, it was devastating.  So sudden and dramatic.  So horrible to realize that I had been used, tricked, conned.  It is sobering to realize that there are such people, and that it is so hard to recognize them. That is, it is easy to be conned.  What are we to make of it when a person proposes marriage, writes gooey, romantic letters, and tells us they can't live without us, etc.?  Then, out of the blue, they are gone with the next victim.  No closure, no explanations, no nothing.  Dumped over the phone by my true love.

[Magnum]

Brucey,

Isn't your ex more a histronic than a BPD? Although I think that much of her actions show the need for controle.

Did you ever hear about relationship controle phobia? What is the reason beneath the behavior... .FEAR.Unconsiously this rules their behavior I think when they are in the full BPDZone. They protect themselves by pushing you away.

Magnum

[brucey]

Yes, I believe that my ex easily meets the criteria for histrionic pd, though she was diagnosed as BPD and has at least 8 of the criteria.

I don't think it is fear that drives my ex.  She is impulsive in her infatuations, and has not impulse control, so needs to act on her feelings.  She needs a new man all the time, and likes to have several going on at once.  She likes secrecy.  She does not seem to fear abandonment, and does not seem to fear intimacy.  Perhaps she is atypical for most borderlines.  She has some narcissistic and antisocial traits too.  Mostly histrionic, I guess.

[Magnum]

Hi Brucey,

So her diagnosis is wrong? BPD's have feelings of guilt, fear of abandonment, no impulsecontrol etc. BPD's need poeple to nurture their needs. She might not be conciously aware of her fears but only acts on them. These fears can be hidden behind for instance anger.

I am interested in what you say because sometimes I doubt my ex's his diagnosis for some of the reasons you mention (instant need for gratification substance or relationship=BPD). But it can also that she's a severe borderlinecase in the sense that she is so unaware of her behaviour and the underlying emotions. In these cases the partner gets hurt tremendously and they barely feel what happens. They hurt the people around them.

I think you would have noticed when you were with her that she's more antisocial and narc. don't you think?

Magnum

[Vanityvanity]

It's getting on for four weeks now since my ex had a big rage and just walked out. Sometimes, like today, I lapse back into woeful disbelief: How can the man who said he wanted to be with me till he died, who cried when he first said he loved me, just cut me out of his life, like someone throwing away a bad piece of fruit?

Of course I know all the theories but it hurts like crazy. The pain, the agony of it... .I walk through the streets crying. And then the anger. Oh my God the rage I feel. I have to stress I would never be violent but today, in the street, I just wanted to bellow with rage. I thump and kick his side of the bed, saying, "Liar, liar, you ugly fat liar," till the tears exhaust themselves.

It hurts.

He did just seem to step free. He was all serious and wary-eyed with me but a friend has seen him laughing with his mates. I know full well he feels nothing now - except if he wants some attention off said mates, whereupon it'll be, She said this and She said that - leaving out, of course, what HE said and did. I know this from how he talked about his ex to me, and how others told me he was going on and on about her. She was, apparently, the Most Evil Woman In The World. Seems like she's got a contender to that crown now.

Actually I think she was BPD too. He must have met his match there. How he must have hated that! someone who walked away from him!

Now he's walked away from me.

I don't know if he's found someone else. He never was a player, as far as I can tell from his own words (suspect, obviously) and what trustworthy people have said about him.

He doesn't need another woman. He already has one - his mother. Aged 48, he still lives at home. He speaks about her venomously but he always runs back to her and his father. There's the triangulation.

So he never needs to replace anyone - in every relationship, he's being unfaithful in the primary, core relationship of his life - him and his mother.

I'm too angry and hurt to pity him. He claims there was some sexual abuse, and I was dubious about it till I read so many times that PD people are often abused sexually by their parents. If I was reading this post, I would be able to say: Yes, here's a middle-aged man still in an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother: he is in a terrible position, because he'll be beside her till she dies (hating her still) and he will never, ever grow up. Not now. It's too late. He leaves sometimes (as he did when he came to me) but then he goes home again. He doesn't have the courage to leave full stop.

But I am so lonely.

What hurts most is that I believed in it so much, and it wasn't real. Maybe right at the start. But then the honeymoon period ended. And, like every other non in the world, I cry out, "If things were wrong, why couldn't you just talk to me about it, why did you have to walk out without a word?"

I last broke No Contact a week ago. I humiliated myself abjectly. He said maybe we could get back together sometime in the future. He said I could meet him at this mental-health place we go to, on two specific days a week.

That day, I tried to talk to him by calling him at home. His mother answered. I heard her ask him if he wanted to talk, and heard him say no. I texted him: "COWARD". Later he phoned and we had the usual useless call: Maybe we should talk, he said, but I knew how that'd be - me listening to his litany of problems, having my own dismissed, and then being told he had to go. No thanks. I told him about the text. He was FURIOUS. So I said some wheedling thing about being alone and unhappy. He must have read that text, because he sent me another one. Which I deleted unread. If it'd been nice, I'd have been dragged back in: if it's been nasty, I'd have spiralled down again.

Six days of No Contact now.

Such sickening despair I feel.

I was always the one who healed the breech and coaxed him back again. Maybe he still expects that. Maybe he's happy with Mummy and his creepy mates. Certainly I've heard nothing.

I just wish I could get this rancid garbage out of my head.

[delusionalxox]

Yes- dumped while pregnant and told it was because I was an intolerable, damaging, toxic 'psycho bhit'.

In fact he had moved in with another woman he had been two timing me with for a month.

Since September when I met him briefly and confronted him with the truth (all over Facebook; he'd locked me out of his, but his friends take photos! What a complacent idiot really... .) he has been pursuing me with alternate hate, desperate love and despair. Just yesterday I was told he wanted to kill himself and had nothing to live for if I didn't come back to him.