Who of you nookies has been brutally dumped by BPD?

[Magnum]

Hi all,

I have unfortunatly been dumped after 3 yr relationship by exbpbf.

Is it common? Are there more woman who experienced this with their exBPDbf/h What do you think of it in the end?

I feel it is all about him running away for intimacy and taking the easy way out to jump on the first available source of supply. Based on HIM talking about wanting to stay with me forever and talking about marriage 2 weeks prior to ending the relationship. He banged his head against the wall (1 month prior to the ending) crying that he wanted to stay with me forever and was panicking because he thought that I would leave him which was not the reality at all. He was very afraid that I would leave him. I think he felt engulfed because we got real close in the last months making futureplans etc. He couldn't stand the heat so to say and ran away. In his mind he devaluated me to cover up and claims to have found somebody else. All of my friends doubt he has a new gf somehow. I don't because otherwise he would have called already. he send me an email though that he missed me and found it very hard to see me no word about new gf that he will always be a loner. The email he send me the day after telling me he started a new life with somebody else presenting me his perfect new life nothing wrong with him. I was his problem.

The strange thing is I think that he knows deep down what he's doing but cannot act differently. To act differently would be very hard and he has to activate his real self which is painful and makes him feel too vulnerable. More easy is to run into the arms of the next woman who still sees him as the perfect man and act as if there is nothing wrong with him. He claims ending his therapysessions and wants to go on with his life. He puts the blame on me now. To my point of view that we were gold together he strangely confirmed that? But said he could not do it anymore?

Magnum

[Magnum]

just wanted to add an interesting quote about needs and BPDs from the website

www.findingstone.com/professionals/monographs/rageshameandthedeathoflove.htm


The defense against need can be accomplished in two ways: first, by devaluing the other for not living up to the ideal, and secondly, by making oneself grandiose and superior to the other. An adult whose parents were rejecting, uncaring and distant, will turn the tables and make himself superior to others, protecting himself from more of the same kind of treatment. The shame inside is so painful that devaluing others avoids the pain of feeling inferior.

Magnum

[JasperCO]

Just to reply to the Subject of your thread, I have been brutally dumped five times in two years. In every case, she dumped me and it was "out of the blue", at least for me. She may pull away some beforehand and get more involved with other friends and activities, but I have always felt she needed to be free to pursue those.

Each time, it has been like being hit by a bus for me. Better yet, a hit and run driver. It's like I stepped out into the street, she ran me over and didn't even bother to look in the rearview mirror. Each time, she has gone from being my friend and lover to being very business-like and removed. She acts like it's a distasteful thing she just needs to get over. She is happy and at peace when it's over.

On the other hand, I have been devastated every time. Sometimes to the point of being suicidal. There is just something completely brutal about things being fine one day and the next day you're out. She doesn't love you, although you've been a REALLY good friend. She's just not comfortable being around you. She would rather be alone (even though the first time she was dating within a week).

Not once has she taken any responsibility for her half of the relationship. All I ever asked was for her to just meet me in the middle. I guess I should have believed her when she once said "what if I can't?"

In every break-up, it's just over, period. There is no middle ground like "can we talk things through" or "maybe we should get some counseling". Nope, it's just over and, next thing you know, you are sleeping alone. Your coupleness abruptly ends. No phone calls, no dinners, no movies, no lovemaking, no socializing with friends. Just one big hole.

It will be three weeks for me this Friday. What's different is that I haven't made any attempts at reconciliation. In the past, I have always tried to resurrect things. When she felt she could "trust" what I was saying, she took me back. How twisted is it that she breaks up with and then she gets to make the decision whether to take me back? Shows how co-dependent I am.

Since I have gone NC, I haven't heard a word from her. With the ball is in her court this time, I don't expect I will.  The power would shift to my wants and needs if she "breaks down" and calls. That's not going to happen.

[KO]

  I haven't been here that long.  I was around a few years ago, and then recently started up again.  But I don't think in any of that time have I read a story about somebody and how the break-up went well.

  I've read about many of the same situations:

  1. BPD breaks up out of the blue.  The Non is Black, and then is confused and hurt.  BPD is looking for "space" yet gets into a new relationship immediately.  Or has somebody on the side already to go before the break-up happens.  Or they feel they've been mistreated, or wronged by the Non.

  2. BPD is abusive, and the Non is forced to leave.  The Non is still confused and hurt.

  I'd love to read a post where a BPD breaks up, and it's rational, and not brutal, and not hurtful.  To me, that would indiciate that they are somehow in a recovery stage, or wanting to recover, or at least in better touch with themselves.  It shows a form of logic thinking not basing truths on emotions.

  I think in almost all of the posts I've read, after the break-up, the BPD almost immediately find somebody else.  There is no grieving process.  There is no rebuilding themselves.  The combination of being dumped for no reason, and them finding somebody wonderful is what confuses us.

[tracer]

yup. i was dumped over the phone by my xBPD after a 6 month relationship where she demanded to be #1 in my life among other things. all of her demands were met by me, yet she didnt see anything wrong with dumping me on the phone because i was not "sexual enough for her". i refused sex one time in 6 months... .dont think she's with anyone else but i'm sure she's getting all sorts of pats on the back from her friends for "taking care of herself"... .

what-ever... .

[Jeffree]

STBxW just left our 10 year relationship (7 year marriage) out of the blue after never having expressed one complaint about my role in our marriage or her life.

I've stated it over and over again here how things were fine just three days before. She said in an e-mail to me that it was great news that she was getting her commission check early in time for our planned two-week trip to Ireland. She referred to me as "Honey" and signed it "Love, Bunny," as was our M.O.

Two days later we had a horrible date, where she drank like a fish, told me she has more fun with her boss than she does with me and can talk to him about things she can't talk to me about, and put down the way I kissed her.

The next day she said she "couldn't live like this anymore," "wanted more for us, and I was just content," blamed me for everything, etc., and was a completely different person than the one I knew and loved. She was cold, distant, unempathetic, unemotional, accusatory and blaming. All things she never was toward me in all the time I knew her.

I stormed out of the house, and that was the end. I came back a few hours later, and she had already left for her next work trip. By Fri. she had pulled out $12K from our joint bank acct., cancelled my name on our credit cards, didn't come home that weekend, etc. Gone. Good-bye.

Meanwhile, I have 10 years of loving, supportive, encouraging cards. All of which should come to my rescue against her accusations of cruel and inhuman treatment, but also remind me of how crazy this sudden turn of events was.

In my heart of hearts, I feel as though she's had some sort of break with reality. If I had to guess, I believe she is going through a manic bipolar episode. However, to my suggestion stating as much she said, "If there was any chance of reconciliation that totally blew it out of the sky." 

What? She's DIAGNOSED with bipolar disorder, went off her meds and wasn't in therapy. She ups and leaves a 10-year relationship like it was only a couple of weeks old. And I am to be abandoned for good because I had the gall to ask her if there was any possibility that she might be having a manic bipolar episode?

The whole thing has been brutal.

[the lucky one]

Yes I was also dumped after a 6 month period, after giving her constant emotional support in a period of deep depression, supplying her with all needs and completely disegarding my own. her reason "Ive had a sht 5 years I cant handle a relationship and all the sht which comes with it" eh! three weeks earlier she apparently loved me.

[tracer]

lucky,

ditto here. i was the only person she ever loved, or so she said.

[the lucky one]

Tracer

At least it was just 6 months, not much comfort if you love someone, but still could have been much much worse!

[ron7127]

I was dumped and my wife was/is having an affair. It's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Poor other guy. He's in for a heck of a ride.

Also, on the shame thing. I know my childhood was less than ideal, with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father. But, I did not go the BPD or NPD route, I hope. :Instead, I think it led to my being a conflict avoider/appeaser. I never treated anyone the way my UBPD wife does.

[Jeffree]

I think in almost all of the posts I've read, after the break-up, the BPD almost immediately find somebody else.  There is no grieving process.  There is no rebuilding themselves.  The combination of being dumped for no reason, and them finding somebody wonderful is what confuses us.

I believe one of the factors that lead to my STBxW's leaving was that she had someone she was having at least an emotional affair with if not a full-blown one. Looking back on the e-mails she sent me from the road, she and her boss were hanging out and drinking in NYC quite regularly. Nice. The first guy she spends any time with she winds up leaving me for. But, then again, who knows what she did when she was on the road for the past two years?

Grieving process? That's what our awful relationship was for. I am sure she now sees herself as always grieving for the person she lost along the way while being with me.

Rebuilding herself? According to her, she's better. She's already rebuilt. Especially to the people she chooses to hang out with now who she can bedazzle with her NEW, FALSE self. Can't wait until that image shatters. I can't imagine people putting up with her non-stop complaining for any length of time.

--J

[Magnum]

Thanks for al the support everyone. It's very helpful to know that I am not alone.

What do you think about my theory that he cannot handle intimacy and this is why he left? Is this still a valid theory? Is he running away from intimacy? Why does he talk about marriage and then all of a sudden there's nothing left what was between us? How can that be?

Magnum

[the lucky one]

Magnum you are not alone BPD is the disease of intimacy this is the thing they crave and fear the most I hope this link will you a better understanding of what goes on inside the BPD mind www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderdilemma.htm

look after yourself lucky

[Venus Humm]

Dumped during planning for a wedding.  Been there.  She was moving in with mr wonderful even as we were discussing invitation list.  How crazy is that?  I was the love of her life that she couldnt live without and 36 hours later... .nothing.  Hero to zero. 

In a year she will still be BPD and I will be over her.  Cant say I dont think about her, but give me time.  She is the one with the disease and nothing that I could ever do will change that.  I will never speak or look at her again.  Its was brutal what she did, and her re-engages fell on deaf ears for I will never go thru that again.

I am planning on a happy life without her.  You should do the same.

I understand your pain

Venus Humm

[Frank Talk]

I gotta say that intimacy was not a problem in our relationship - all hell broke loose whenever I made any demands, criticisms, questioned the status quo and PARTICULARLY if I ever did anything independantly - then the silent rages and sometimes not so silent rages were way OTT.

But on the dumping question - she threatened it over and over again - every fight finished with her saying "next time... .that is it" - as another nookie said - no middle ground!

But my solution to the problem was to dump her - she had pushed me so far out of the relationship and I had been made to feel so despised and insecure that the better of me finally woke up and I did the dumping and although it was not a clean split it ended up fairly mutual I think and without any third parties (I think). So I think I salvaged a bit of inner decorum by taking some initiative cause my own sense of self respect was being rubbed into the dirt and basically I just refused to take it any more.

[Bdawn]

Count me in. I got the brutal dumping about eighteen months ago. One day he loved more than he had ever loved anyone, and a few days later I was the most heartless, selfish, evil gf to ever walk the face of this earth. And just a few weeks after he dumped me he had a brand new perfect gf that had moved right in with him. Can you imagine that? Ooops, guess we don't have to imagine this stuff cause it's our real lives. Anyways I spoke with him one time about 4 weeks after we split and he absolutely oozed contempt for me, told me he never wanted to speak with me again and if I ever tried to contact him he would call the police on me. It was the most brutal break up I have ever experienced in my entire life. Took me a long time to deal with it and I'm still dealing with it in some respects.

Oh and about six months after this horrible ordeal he comes to where I work to do some business and walks right up to me and starts chatting me up like were old buddies or something. Crazy motherx-x-x-xer!

[Magnum]

My god what a stories? Why do they have to talk about marriage faking that everything is ok till the last moment and then brutally out of nowhere end it. I don't understand... .They could have talked about it?

I read this so many times here on bpdfamily. Can anyone explain?

Magnum

[dontunderstand]

was recently talking to someone i know who is a phsychoanalyst... .i discussed with her my recent disappointment when my bf broke up with me unexpectedly (oh... .just to note here, my exbf does not have BPD - he was a great guy - but his exgf b4 me did)... .

at any rate, she said situations like this center around the issue of intimacy... .she said that people will break up enexpectedly (and sometimes over the phone) when they are afraid of getting too close or intimate with someone... .they will also often diminish the relationship so as to not acknowledge the importance of their feelings for you... .this way, they will not get hurt... .

i, of course, argued that i had no intention of hurting him as i had no intention of breaking up with him (i really liked him!)... .but she said that people who have been hurt in intimate realtionships in the past will often prompt a break-up when they sense you getting too close to their heart (better that than to risk the possibility of getting hurt again)... .

[Jeffree]

Magnum,

Why do they have to talk about marriage faking that everything is ok till the last moment and then brutally out of nowhere end it. I don't understand... .They could have talked about it?

Like FrankTalk said, "there's no middle ground." Thus, I would assume once they feel it has come down to having to talk to "fix" things, the relationship is already broken, done, gone in the mind of the BPD. They're either great and perfect, in which case you can just revel in the false belief that this is the greatest thing since sliced bread, OR they're broken and awful and no amount of talking will help. In other words, they might think, "Eh, what's the use?"

When I asked my STBxW why couples therapy was not an option, she said it might have been a year or two ago when all "this" started, but she's tired of trying to work it out. Now, while that might make sense on the surface, it is a completely insane thing for her to say.

For one, if things were so horrible a year ago, why didn't she say anything in the first place? Secondly, there is no time limit on when a couple can seek the help of a third party. And, as a matter of fact, that she was at the point of leaving was the PERFECT time to get into couples therapy when she up and left. Third, she never tried to do anything to work anything out previously, so how could she be tired of doing something she never did?   Fourthly, I was the one who expressed concern on multiple occasions about the state of our relationship and that we were disconected. Those were perfect opportunities to express HER concerns, but she never did. She cried, said she didn't know what was wrong, and was afraid of losing me.

I think during those conversations, all the evidence would have pointed to her having to go back on her meds and get back into therapy if we really sat down and hashed things out. I figure that's the reality she didn't want to face. And, it was easier for her emotionally to give me up rather than go back on the meds and re-enter T. This way, she is able to feel as thought she REALLY is better, rather than feeling like a failure for not being able to stay off her meds and out of T.

BUT, the reality is talking things out really is the essence of the relationship, and many people, BPD or otherwise, do not want to deal with that. It too difficult. They'd rather NOT give you answers when you have concerns, then blame you for ruining their fun, then run away, disappear, and leave you in the dust, rather than have to deal with the most intimate of intimate moments--the working together, sharing, caring for the greater good of the relationship.

That's my 2 cents!

--J

[bewildered2]

I was. But only after I booted her out first for her crazy, abusive, and threatening behaviour.  Meaning, I got rid of her then sought a reconciliation and she blanked me and then called the police. Very mature, just what you would expect from a Borderline.

B2

[moesha]

BPD ex fiance decided he "couldn't do this" as soon as we started the actual wedding preparations.  We went to couples therapy.  after about 6 sessions, and the spotlight started shining on him and his behavior, he quit.  Dealbreaker for me. 

In the midst of moving out and cancelling the wedding, my cycle was off and I thought I might be pregnant (yes, we used BC).  I was very upset.  He informed me that my feelings "weren't his problem anymore".

How right he was.

By the way, this was 6 years ago.  I saw him for the first time two weekends ago.  Complete indifference on my part.  Mission accomplished. 

[Magnum]

Moesha... .

What do you think really happened? I mean not the facts but what was behind his behavior?

How can one want to marry and all of a sudden back off? What's behind this sudden changes in their behavior. Why the coldness?

Did he ever try to explain it to you later on? Did he re-engagement you?

Magnum

[Magnum]

Jefrree, B2, dontunderstand and Bdawn,

I want to see I deeply feel for you all and what you have been through with your exes. These are all really horrible stories. I hope we all recover from it and that we are able to trust other people in the future.

I personally am very afraid that I have gotten sort of a traumatic stress thing from all this horror I experienced. I don't sleep more than a few hours each night even when I take sleeping pills. My doctor suggested that I take a 6 week recovery programm for the stress I endured. I am thinking about it now. Things at work are not going too well so on both sides I have problems now. It is just too much.

I have to take some rest and strenght to come over these events.

Magnum

[StressedinCleveland]

I only wish! I envy all of you who got dumped.

[liberateddad]

I was ultimately dumped by her. I had tried on several occasions to break it off but was never successful.  She would ask alot did I want out.  Somtimes i would say yes, (she would not accept that), sometimes I would say no.      She would oftens say thatit was not over till she said it was over. 

Anyway, one night she is laying next to me caring for me as I was ill, an the next night she is raging and calling me a prick and an ∂ƒ∫∆˚, and teh next day she is stalking me threatening to call the cops.   I guess I did give her ammunition to then paint me as black as possible and justification for her to finally break it off while reducing me to nothing.  But ads Jeffree said:

[b]I think in almost all of the posts I've read, after the break-up, the BPD almost immediately find somebody else.  There is no grieving process.  There is no rebuilding themselves.  The combination of being dumped for no reason, and them finding somebody wonderful is what confuses us.[/[/b]b][/b]

She did move on.  Took her 6 weeks.  Probably less and she was probably with him while with me.   She was just playing the game,  finding another victim before I was even out of the picture and body temp cooled.  I do not know for sure.  I would like to know though?   Oh well.      LD

[Frank Talk]

Ah... ."complete indifference" - how good does that sound... .Never will a state of indifference be celebrated like this one will when it arrives.

NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC, NC NC... .dada ... .indifference - hooray.

Then i spose it doesn't matter who did the dumping.

[Coumadin]

Gotta love that e-mail!

he's too much of a coward to talk to me face to tace so e-mail was the answer.  I got the divorce e-mail yesterday. 

[difficult]

I posted this on another thread, but it seems more appropriate here... .the familiarity of all your stories with mine strike me so much - till a couple of weeks ago I really felt like no one else was experiencing what I have experienced... .

Hey all,

I hope you do not mind me sharing my story here (it might be too much off topic), but I saw a lot of familiar experiences in this tread, and maybe it could help others as well. Reading about the experiences of others has helped me A LOT in the past couple of days.

So, what happened. A couple of months ago, I met this wonderful, not to say perfect woman for me. She told me about past experiences she had (i.e. difficulties in her youth, going in and out of shelters because of her stepdad(s)). I knew that psychologically, this could be difficult, both for her and me. During the course of our relationship, this indeed proved to be the case. However, when she was feeling distressed, I could always be there for her, comfort her, etc. There were also times though, when she could not take my criticism (we are in the same field, so we know a lot about each other's work). Basically every single time though, we were able to solve those differences. One thing I think about now though is that there were signs that she was emotionally down, and that we could have perhaps took it easier... .we were together almost every single day.

Our relationship was intense and stormy, like the classical BPD relationships. At that time, I did not know whether this could be it though (although now I am reading up on it, it seems to come very very close). We started planning for our future together (mind you, we only had a 3.5 month relationship) and we both saw each other as the future parents of our children. I really did, and still do, believe that (besides the psychological issues) we are so similar, it is scary. So, what happened? When we were together for about three months, she told me she was scared about the future. This future included a move to another country, away from everything here (including things that frightened her here, which I hoped would help her own future). One day when she brought it up again (via messenger) I was at work and did not have a lot of time to talk. I was also pretty distressed about work. After work, we argued and she thought I would break up with her. This had never occurred to me... .but anyways... .

Two days after that we celebrated our 3 months. It might have been one of the most beautiful days in my life. To keep it short, two days after that she told me she did not feel the same for me. She told me very mixed things - she was afraid to be alone, misunderstood, even if she would be with me. Then she would tell me she could not rely on me emotionally anymore, that the balance in our relationship was gone. I felt stunned and very awkward at the same time! In the week preceding, she did have some issues with the future, but I had put a bit of a brake on it, so we could decide in a slower pace.

The day after, we argued a bit, but I sent her a text message afterwards that I still loved her. She sent me one back that she did not doubt this, and that she loved me as well. The weeks after was of big turmoil though. I attempted to support her, but she accused me that I just cared about myself, not about her. I panicked often, and did try to push her sometimes to pull her through. I knew she had similar issues in the past, and besides that, yes I cared for being with her, I did not want her to end up shtty. Anyways, it basically ended up not even via phone: she broke up with me via e-mail (most of the conflicts she created also went via the computer... .not very smart of me to not call her I think... .). Sometimes she almost emphasized me so much that she did not love me anymore, that it seemed more like she was attempting to convince herself... .I heard from others for example, that she was scared that she broke off something amazing... .

So, about three weeks ago I got extremely drunk and melancholic. I addressed some of the psychological issues, and that enraged her... of course. When I ran into her two weeks ago, I treated her angrily and told two other people basically what I thought about, how she broke up with me, etc. Not very chique... .

Anyways, this week I brought her soup, to make up for the preceding issues (she was also sick that day). She did appreciate it, but it seems like she does not want any contact with me anymore. She blocked me on her messenger, etc. I had a very hard time dealing with what had happened, and sometimes did contact her too often. She had told me in the past that her sister was diagnosed with BPD. Since they both were in the same situations (and she herself also had problems with alcohol before) I am really afraid that she has it too. She admitted being depressed when she broke up with me, mostly being the major reason for our break up... .

So, to get back to the moral of your story dontunderstand - I know that she has treated me in a way that I would regularly not accept from anyone. But is she just anyone? I think that either she is mildly diagnosable with BPD, or really has something similar, but besides that, she still is that great person. I know this is a really difficult dilemma. On one end, I have to protect myself, but on the other end, I would want to support her, help her through rough times. If she really is that person that I have seen, then why could I not have a relationship with her?

I have accepted it now that she does not want to be with me, for whatever reason. I did tell her though that I still love her, no matter what... .I know I have to heal for myself now as well. I think I fell in a deep situational depression after she broke it off, I had never felt so horrible in my entire life. I saw on other fora that BPD can feel like they lose their sense of self, like their self has died off, and that this does not happen for non-BPD. Well, it really did feel like I was on the BPD-end... .

To be honest, I would want to support her, get her through the rough times. I know that it is possible to heal, and that life is easier for her with a partner. If she really felt the way she did feel before that horrible period (and meant what she said to me?), then I think it should be possible... but the chance is probably less than 0.000001% right now... .

[Magnum]

Hi difficult,

Lots of recognizable behavior. The total blocking you out of their life breaking it off in a strange way by mail or over the phone. Swithch off completely from what you both had going on.

The pushing away is an automatic respons I think when you get too close. They have to just push you away in order to manage their fear of abandonment or getting overwhelmed or engulfed. Very sad and hard for us nons to understand.

Sorry you have to go through this.

Magnum

[difficult]

Do any of you have experience of it being pushed away but still being able to help? My first response would that I want to be with her... .then... if that is not possible, I'd still want her to resolve her issues... .but... .and I think you will give me this advice, I can probably better do nothing... right?

Now, I was also wondering something else. She does not seem to be as 'severely' caught with BPD as some others. Might it be that she has some of the symptoms because someone in her family has it?