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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. I'm doing very well since the horrible break-up a little over a year ago. I no longer think of her with "warm" thoughts or with the deep hurt I had back then. I'm now able to see her for exactly who she is - someone who is mentally ill and I don't take her actions personally.

Since I first posted on this board a year ago, I've read many posts from individuals saying that their ex is engaged or got married to the replacement. Add me to that list. I found out today that the guy she was cheating on with me, the guy she "didn't have any feelings for," she is now engaged to.

The funny thing is that it really doesn't even bother me. I knew this day would be coming. He has all kinds of money and money makes her feel secure. I know it will be a horrible marriage (if they even get married... .it wouldn't surprise me if it never actually happens). I actually kind of laughed when I heard the news.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here. I guess maybe because it's all come full-circle from a year ago? I guess I just look back at the whole ordeal and I'm amazed. It really is surreal. It was a total train wreck that I watched happen, was part of and now it's come full-circle. I can't believe I fell into her world and the whole experience is something I'll never forget (... .I can't forget it!). But from her and this experience, I grew a ton. 2013 was a major year of growth for me in discovering who I am as a person.

I wish her well (I really do). But knowing what I know now, I can only imagine how this marriage will go. Wait... .I don't want to imagine and better yet, I don't have to. She's somebody else's problem now

[asher2]

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. I'm doing very well since the horrible break-up a little over a year ago. I no longer think of her with "warm" thoughts or with the deep hurt I had back then. I'm now able to see her for exactly who she is - someone who is mentally ill and I don't take her actions personally.

Since I first posted on this board a year ago, I've read many posts from individuals saying that their ex is engaged or got married to the replacement. Add me to that list. I found out today that the guy she was cheating on with me, the guy she "didn't have any feelings for," she is now engaged to.

The funny thing is that it really doesn't even bother me. I knew this day would be coming. He has all kinds of money and money makes her feel secure. I know it will be a horrible marriage (if they even get married... .it wouldn't surprise me if it never actually happens). I actually kind of laughed when I heard the news.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here. I guess maybe because it's all come full-circle from a year ago? I guess I just look back at the whole ordeal and I'm amazed. It really is surreal. It was a total train wreck that I watched happen, was part of and now it's come full-circle. I can't believe I fell into her world and the whole experience is something I'll never forget (... .I can't forget it!). But from her and this experience, I grew a ton. 2013 was a major year of growth for me in discovering who I am as a person.

I wish her well (I really do). But knowing what I know now, I can only imagine how this marriage will go. Wait... .I don't want to imagine and better yet, I don't have to. She's somebody else's problem now

[TakingWingAtLast]

Asher,

Thanks for the update.  So glad you have recovered!   Kudos!

I thinks it's really terrific to hear from someone who has gone through the long dark tunnel and is now past the light at the end.  It gives us hope!

D

[Ironmanrises]

She is someone else's problem until she starts re engaging you when that marriage goes to part, and it will. That is a very real possibility.

[asher2]

Ironman... .I agree. I'm fairly certain the marriage will either fail or if it survives, it will be awful. I mentioned that the replacement has a lot of money. After our breakup and I found out about the other guy, my parents were awesome with me and gave me lots of great advice and perspective. My dad said back that he thought she was after this guy's money (she had a LOT of debt from her schooling). At the time I didn't agree, but now emotionally removed from the situation, I think he may be right. She's going into this marriage thinking she's hit the lottery. Even if the marriage fails (which I KNOW is in the back of her mind... .she will go into the marriage thinking "I hope this works out", she will get half of his money. It's win-win for my wonderful ex!

And reading so much on this site and hearing so many stories, I am well aware a re-engagement attempt could happen some day down the road. The thing is, I have zero desire to talk to her. She'd have to try awfully hard to talk to her. Even a friendly email from her won't be returned. I'm aware that things with her are NEVER as they may seem.

TakingWingAtLast... .thanks for the kind words. It really is a beautiful thing to be able to hear of this news today and not even care. My advice to everyone who is hurting right now would be to go through the pain and go to the places within you were it might be scary to look. See what needs to be fixed and then work on those things. I basically took 2013 "off." It was a year for me and to figure myself out (I'm in my mid-30's). There were some really dark days earlier this year where I didn't like what I saw when I honestly looked at myself. I mentioned how I "fell into" her world. The reality is that I was just as much at fault for my pain as she was. There were things about me that led me to her and kept me engaged. I think I have a much better handle on who I am now and hopefully I'm now a better person because of it.

[Mutt]

I know it will be a horrible marriage (if they even get married... .it wouldn't surprise me if it never actually happens)

Marriage is game over.

[Perfidy]

After hmmm... About six months of no contact and zero stalking I have lost track of the one with no name. Ignorance is becoming bliss. I want no communication. If and when I ever see her again I don't even want to recognize her. Hopefully that day doesn't come. I am much healthier. I feel better. I'm in no hurry to get involved again. I may not find that a relationship with anyone other than myself will even be necessary, especially after dating a few different ladies. The dating thing hasn't been all that. Of course there is this pretty young girl that has captured my attention. It's high risk though... .so I'm not holding my breath.

Focusing entirely on myself. My career. My home. My health. My relationship with myself. Alone but not lonely. No woman... No woman problem.

[heartandwhole]

My advice to everyone who is hurting right now would be to go through the pain and go to the places within you were it might be scary to look. See what needs to be fixed and then work on those things. I basically took 2013 "off." It was a year for me and to figure myself out (I'm in my mid-30's). There were some really dark days earlier this year where I didn't like what I saw when I honestly looked at myself. I mentioned how I "fell into" her world. The reality is that I was just as much at fault for my pain as she was. There were things about me that led me to her and kept me engaged. I think I have a much better handle on who I am now and hopefully I'm now a better person because of it.

This is great news and very wise words, asher2, I'm so glad you updated us.  We need to hear successful healing stories like yours! 

[Pretty Woman]

Mutt is right,

marriage is "game over". Once they get it a whole slew of other issues and insecurities surface.

If you read these boards enough, and I know you do, having children with these people even makes matters worse. You will read horror stories of people engaged in these messes for years and they all say "run, as fast as you can"!

All these people cannot be wrong.

My ex just replaced me with someone significantly more needy than I am. This woman will be consumed with her... .I would not be surprised if they were living together in Feb when my ex's lease is up.

My ex was always upset we were not living together. After being dumped 6x in 18mo I became extremely cautious. We are lesbians and the big joke is: What does a lesbian bring to a 2nd date?

Answer: a U-haul

There was no way I was moving her in after all her explosions.  Come to find out her three relationships before me she never moved in with these people. If the relationship was hostile outside living together I cannot imagine how bad it would be living together as intimacy is a known trigger.

I think two really co-dependent people are an explosion waiting to happen.

Wait it out my friend, they might not even make it to the alter. Just be glad you won't be paying out the _____ to her in the event of a divorce.

[Mutt]

My ex just replaced me with someone significantly more needy than I am. This woman will be consumed with her... .

Downgrade boyfriend/girlfriend.

I've seen my replacement and he is a shell of a man. His issues are worse than mine!

I was at home with the kids while the replacement was chasing my wife. Good luck on the relationship! The foundation is built on lying and cheating. Not to mention my ex has a fear of intimacy/abandonment. 

If either have no issues looking elsewhere in a committed relationship, what's to say that both are not going to cheat on each other? I wonder how that plays on my ex's abandonment fears, but I know that she's distorted her thinking that it was never cheating. But not for me to worry about, it's the replacements duty now.

[damage control]

Mine replaced me with a psychologist ... .oh irony ... .

I thought she might be quick to pick up the red flags but as it has been almost 7 weeks now, I guess she is one of those psychs that needs to do a bit of mirror-gazing herself.

Funny thing with the original OP is that you are now experiencing what many of us here dread - that the replacement was/is more than just ... well, than just a replacement.

I hope when that happens/if that happens (mine is terrified of any type of commitment and I doubt he will ever live with someone, let alone get married ... but ... I fear that he will meet that 'perfect' person who is just as emotionally bankrupt as he is and be able to sustain a LT relationship) ... and live happily (well ... as happy as he can be) ever after.

I just hope when/if that happens I am in the same place as you are now.

[asher2]

Perfidy... .sounds like you are working on yourself as well. Congrats and keep up the healing process! It sounds like I was a lot like you this year as far as the dating scene goes. I had some people I was interested in and vice versa throughout this year, but deep down, I knew I wasn't ready. There were some people I used (not proud of it) to mask the pain early on. However, I have recently met someone who I'm very interested in. It's early, but what I do know about her I like a lot. And on the flip side, I feel like I am in such a better place to date right now. For me, this goes back to spending a lot of time on figuring myself out.

Earth Angel and Mutt... .I agree with your comments as well. One of the biggest things I learned about myself this past year was that I definitely have/had a co-dependency issue. Earth Angel, you are right. Two co-dependents mixed together is a very bad combo and a time bomb waiting to go off. Those with BPD tend to gravitate toward those who have these issues as well. I've never been married, but from what I understand, marriage can be pretty damn hard. I wish the two of them luck when times get tough!

And Mutt I totally agree with what you said about the relationship being built on lies and cheating. I would love to send my replacement the letter my ex wrote me after I found out about her cheating with him. In the letter, she told me about how he meant nothing to her, she had no desire to be with him and that I was the one she wanted to be with. The problem is I burnt the letter shorting after receiving it... .I was so hurt by her actions I literally burned the letter!

And I'd like to remind my replacement that she was initially with him when I came along. They were casually dating, but nothing committed, and my ex ended up "choosing" me over him. If he was so great, why wasn't he "good enough" the first time around? Oh yeah, he has money and things with us didn't work out. He was plan B and available. But you know what, probably unbeknownst to me, I was probably plan B as well somehow in her crazy mind.

When a relationship gets started essentially on lies and half truths, how is "till death do us part" going to work out? Again, I wish them luck. They will need it.

[asher2]

Damage control... .I hear you... .I remember feeling exactly as you did one year ago. I remember Christmas last year and all I could think of was her with him and it made me literally want to get sick. New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, etc... .all I could think of was her with him and I kept thinking "What did I do wrong that he is doing right?"

You know what I've learned in a year? BPD is a mental illness and the vast majority of them never take the time to get professionally treated. Unless they get professional help, THEY WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS. I suppose with time and with doing lots of reading on BPD, I've come to the acceptance that he isn't any better than me. If anything, he is probably a more willing victim and will put up with more than I did. But here is another thing I've learned in one year's time... .

I deserve so much better than to be in a relationship that is filled with constant drama. If I'm in a committed relationship with someone, I shouldn't have to wonder who she's texting, or where she's really at, etc. etc. You mentioned that what if he is able to find someone who is able to "put up" with all of the drama and baggage he brings to the table. I used to think this way as well. But I think of it totally differently now. I now think, "Why would I want to be with someone like that?"

For me, this past year of a lot of self-growth led to the hard-realization that the relationship I was in was EXTREMELY unhealthy and that no matter who she is with in the future, it's going to be the same way. I've gotten to the point of "I deserve better."

Hang in there and keep working through the pain. For me, NC was (and I guess still is) key. If you are able, stay NC and stay strong!

[recoverynow]

Just be happy that you are not with her anymore.

[Mutt]

When a relationship gets started essentially on lies and half truths, how is "till death do us part" going to work out? Again, I wish them luck. They will need it.

For my ex there was no "for better or worse" it was always "for better".  I took my wedding vows seriously. Marriage to her was a piece of paper, that's all.

[DragoN]

For my ex there was no "for better or worse" it was always "for better".  I took my wedding vows seriously. Marriage to her was a piece of paper, that's all.

I took my marriage vows seriously as well and poured myself into making the marriage work. But it too became a piece of paper after years of abuse.

Marriage is game over.

Unfortunately true.

Asher2 ,

Your ex marrying for money, hopefully someone warns the poor guy and gets her to sign a prenup. Not your problem though, but I do feel sorry for people who get caught in the PD traps.