We talked and it's helping me let go

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a followup to "Interacting with xBPD at work" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214414.0

We ignored each other and didn't make eye contact for most of the week my uxBPDgf was visiting my workplace.  The last day she was here I accidentally found myself alone with her at the office fridge, and she told me she wanted to talk about how cold I was to her after the breakup.  I agreed to talk to her after the work day.

After work, we walked to a public hallway off of the room where the building was having a holiday party.  I went into the conversation without any expectation that she'd be able to hear anything I wanted to say, or that she would care about my feelings.

She vented her anger about me not being there for her when she needed me, for me giving up on the relationship without trying or giving her time, for how I never really cared for her and was just using her, and she said "hit you" a lot.

I resisted the urge to get defensive (things I did not say: "I'm sorry I couldn't be there because you were verbally abusive," "I went to therapy every week, and gave you 3 months after our first breakup," etc.)  Instead I just focused on 1. validating her feelings (without validating facts that weren't true, without apologizing) and 2. telling her how I actually felt, firmly but calmly, without directly disagreeing with her ("I value the many times you've been there for me, and I don't know what I said that came off as saying that I didn't," "I wish you could see how much I cared for you," "Even though I cared for you, our relationship wasn't healthy for me, and I couldn't stay," etc.)

Not having an expectation of being heard or talking about my feelings, it was easier to give the focus on her pain that she needed, and it seemed to defuse the conflict a little.  I got to demonstrate that I did and do care about her enough to listen, and see for myself that it didn't make a difference.  And I got to have a conversation with her without reacting to her attacks or taking them personally, choosing to interpret them as "I am in too much paint to think of your needs, and dealing with it the only way I know how," which was actually very empowering.  I was able to stop myself from thinking that maybe I was crazy, and somehow everything was my fault, which was very empowering.

I let her vent for about 45 minutes until she'd said everything she needed to get out and I had said anything I didn't want to leave unsaid.  Then I told good bye and walked away.  It was really difficult and draining at the time, but when I woke up the next morning, I felt some peace and closure.  Obviously, I'd subjected myself to some harsh treatment, but I did it because I chose to in order to say the things I didn't want to leave unsaid (even if she couldn't hear me), and I didn't let it get under my skin.

It might not be the best idea for everyone here, but I feel like the conversation helped me level up in recovering from the relationship.

[nullset]

This is a followup to "Interacting with xBPD at work" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214414.0

We ignored each other and didn't make eye contact for most of the week my uxBPDgf was visiting my workplace.  The last day she was here I accidentally found myself alone with her at the office fridge, and she told me she wanted to talk about how cold I was to her after the breakup.  I agreed to talk to her after the work day.

After work, we walked to a public hallway off of the room where the building was having a holiday party.  I went into the conversation without any expectation that she'd be able to hear anything I wanted to say, or that she would care about my feelings.

She vented her anger about me not being there for her when she needed me, for me giving up on the relationship without trying or giving her time, for how I never really cared for her and was just using her, and she said "hit you" a lot.

I resisted the urge to get defensive (things I did not say: "I'm sorry I couldn't be there because you were verbally abusive," "I went to therapy every week, and gave you 3 months after our first breakup," etc.)  Instead I just focused on 1. validating her feelings (without validating facts that weren't true, without apologizing) and 2. telling her how I actually felt, firmly but calmly, without directly disagreeing with her ("I value the many times you've been there for me, and I don't know what I said that came off as saying that I didn't," "I wish you could see how much I cared for you," "Even though I cared for you, our relationship wasn't healthy for me, and I couldn't stay," etc.)

Not having an expectation of being heard or talking about my feelings, it was easier to give the focus on her pain that she needed, and it seemed to defuse the conflict a little.  I got to demonstrate that I did and do care about her enough to listen, and see for myself that it didn't make a difference.  And I got to have a conversation with her without reacting to her attacks or taking them personally, choosing to interpret them as "I am in too much paint to think of your needs, and dealing with it the only way I know how," which was actually very empowering.  I was able to stop myself from thinking that maybe I was crazy, and somehow everything was my fault, which was very empowering.

I let her vent for about 45 minutes until she'd said everything she needed to get out and I had said anything I didn't want to leave unsaid.  Then I told good bye and walked away.  It was really difficult and draining at the time, but when I woke up the next morning, I felt some peace and closure.  Obviously, I'd subjected myself to some harsh treatment, but I did it because I chose to in order to say the things I didn't want to leave unsaid (even if she couldn't hear me), and I didn't let it get under my skin.

It might not be the best idea for everyone here, but I feel like the conversation helped me level up in recovering from the relationship.

[Surnia]

Hi nullset

Really well done. 

Conversations like this are not easy - so great you could handle it.

Thank you for sharing it.

[Ironmanrises]

I am glad you were able to to communicate that to her.  For her to even have that exchange with you means you are not painted completely black. That was probably what allowed her to even hear you. See, for me, in both rounds on the day of discard, none of my words to her were heard or registered correctly. She either talked over me in a continuous droning manner(I kid you not, almost like a little kid closing their ears and eyes and repeating "la la la la" and refused to acknowledge anything that I said, in the way it was being said. I might as well have not had either conversation on both times she left me. It was like trying to find your perfect reflection in a house of distorted mirrors. There was no point.

[Waifed]

I am glad you were able to to communicate that to her.  For her to even have that exchange with you means you are not painted completely black. That was probably what allowed her to even hear you. See, for me, in both rounds on the day of discard, none of my words to her were heard or registered correctly. She either talked over me in a continuous droning manner(I kid you not, almost like a little kid closing their ears and eyes and repeating "la la la la" and refused to acknowledge anything that I said, in the way it was being said. I might as well have not had either conversation on both times she left me. It was like trying to find your perfect reflection in a house of distorted mirrors. There was no point.

I had too laugh, sorry. You do have a good sense of humor Ironman  

[nullset]

I am glad you were able to to communicate that to her.  For her to even have that exchange with you means you are not painted completely black. That was probably what allowed her to even hear you.

Oh, I don't believe she heard me at all.  She did however seem to understand, possibly for the first time, that I heard her.  And once I'd validated all of the feelings she needed to get out, she at least let me say what I needed to say, even if she didn't hear it.

[Waifed]

I am glad you were able to to communicate that to her.  For her to even have that exchange with you means you are not painted completely black. That was probably what allowed her to even hear you.

Oh, I don't believe she heard me at all.  She did however seem to understand, possibly for the first time, that I heard her.  And once I'd validated all of the feelings she needed to get out, she at least let me say what I needed to say, even if she didn't hear it.

I envy you. I would love to have a final conversation with my ex, especially now that I am out of the FOG.

[nullset]

I envy you. I would love to have a final conversation with my ex, especially now that I am out of the FOG.

I feel like it helped, but it could have gone many different ways.  I only did it because it was unavoidable (she's affiliated with my work).  I certainly wouldn't have sought it out.  I was able to confirm what I already suspected, that I had grown enough to be able to not take her attacks personally, and that she still wouldn't be able to hear me.  You can achieve that yourself without one last conversation.

[Waifed]

I am also just over 3 months NC. I realize that a future with the ex would be futile and I am finally able to function without being absorbed by thoughts about her.   I do still think about her a lot but is more of a processing thing. I am still worried that I could crumble if I had to see her.  I am not sure though.

For me at this point I no longer really need closure (it would be really nice though) but I do wonder if she ever even thinks about me. If I knew she did, I think I could move on more quickly. Sounds crazy but it would help my ego I guess.

[nullset]

Further update:

Turns out she's in town for another week, and she was at work when I showed up Monday.  She came up to me and asked if we could talk, and that it would be quick.  I said ok, and She told me she was ready to be friendly but not to be friends, which I said sounded good.  She said she was still really angry at me, and I just said "I know."  Then she asked if she could give me a hug, and I said ok.  That's probably the closest thing to an apology she's capable of.  The rest of the day, she was completely friendly, almost as if nothing happened.

Thing 1.  The S.E.T. (support, empathy, truth) technique really helps.  Of course I know I can't be in a relationship where the other person is constantly in need of support.

Thing 2.  I'd felt ready to move on, but now wondering to what extent I should allow her to be in my life.  I'm also fighting off the "maybe it could be different" thoughts.  Maybe it could, but she'd have to want it to be, which isn't happening, at least right now.  And I can't hold my breath for that.