Another Realization ~ Why I Let Her Trample My Boundaries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i saw someone in another thread say she had to ask herself WHY she let her pwBPD trample her boundaries so bad... .   and a lightbulb went off for me.  (an uncomfortable one of course!,  )... .

i'm afraid that if i create, set, and enforce strong clear boundaries, that  i won't be strong enough to enforce them!  but also that if i DO enforce them, the person will say 'F it, and leave.  i'll be all alone.  no one will be friend or lover to me.

which is sad but also odd, b/c when others have strong clear boundaries that they enforce (in an assertive loving way, NOT aggressive) i'm impressed... .  and i almost always am willing to comply ~ i mean not b/c i'm being a doormat but b/c it's the adult thing to do, to respect others' boundaries.

so, what does this mean about me?  points back to low self-esteem?  a feeling of unloveable and unworthy... .

taking inventory is hard! (but worth it)

thnx for reading. 

[ucmeicu2]

i saw someone in another thread say she had to ask herself WHY she let her pwBPD trample her boundaries so bad... .   and a lightbulb went off for me.  (an uncomfortable one of course!,  )... .

i'm afraid that if i create, set, and enforce strong clear boundaries, that  i won't be strong enough to enforce them!  but also that if i DO enforce them, the person will say 'F it, and leave.  i'll be all alone.  no one will be friend or lover to me.

which is sad but also odd, b/c when others have strong clear boundaries that they enforce (in an assertive loving way, NOT aggressive) i'm impressed... .  and i almost always am willing to comply ~ i mean not b/c i'm being a doormat but b/c it's the adult thing to do, to respect others' boundaries.

so, what does this mean about me?  points back to low self-esteem?  a feeling of unloveable and unworthy... .

taking inventory is hard! (but worth it)

thnx for reading. 

[charred]

Could be... .

In my case it was because the first boundaries she trampled... .I wanted her to. My exBPDgf looked me up on FB 27 yrs after dumping me... to my horror on hearing her voice all the feelings were back. We met and I had every intention of just talking and asking questions... but she grabbed me, kissed me and led me to her room... and trampled all my boundaries like they didn't exist. Left me more emotionally confused than I have ever been in my life. Eventually I got a divorce, and started dating her, then the BPD r/s hell kicked in.

I think most of us that fall for pwBPD... are not what is known as securely attached... as kids, and we keep people at a distance to protect ourselves. Along comes a pwBPD and they ignore our boundaries and blow smoke about how great we are... .give us what appears to be unconditional love, and we jump at it. Later when they ignore our boundaries we are perplexed and irritated... but it isn't any change in how they behaved. We want the great parent we didn't have and put them on a pedestal and react to them like they are that parent... .works at first, world seems great, sex is great. When they switch to being clingy, then hateful, we don't react like we typically would... .we take the abuse, internalize it, feel terrible about ourselves, jump through hoops, try to justify their irrationality... .just like a little kid does. After a while we realize they are not wonderful, they are disordered, our heart is broke and we have a hard time making sense of any of it. The boundary breaking happened throughout... but for me it was only when I didn't want it to happen that it bothered me enough to really notice it and think about it.

[seeking balance]

i'm afraid that if i create, set, and enforce strong clear boundaries, that  i won't be strong enough to enforce them!  but also that if i DO enforce them, the person will say 'F it, and leave.  i'll be all alone.  no one will be friend or lover to me.

This is very real and kudos to you for having the courage to dig deep and say this - many, many of us started exactly here - our own abandonment fears.

Humans want to be accepted, part of the human condition.

Self acceptance is important.  For me, I didn't realize how much pressure I put on me to be perfect in order to matter or be liked.  I was way harder on me than most, (learned that from dear old mom).

I learned how to be alone, this was hard for me.  Even though I felt alone much of my life, consciously being alone was different... .eventually I got to where I was good being alone, I was good with me - all of me (no more justifying or trying to be anything but me).  I have funneled through friends as this process occurred and the ones I have really let me be me - as such, boundaries are respected all around. 

There is no magic answer to this, but the deep understanding this is real opens up a lot of "aha's" and with awareness change can take place.

Can you pinpoint the first time you felt afraid of setting boundaries and why?

Peace,

SB

[dontknow2]

ucmeicu2,

I struggle with this too. Glad you said it.

My father and mother busted through my boundaries all the time. For example: In addition to telling me I didn't love her when I did something she didn't like, my mother would do things like give my stuff away right in front of me (i.e. my only coat at wintertime because someone else said they liked it). I learned this is how it's done and what I want is irrelevant. It started there for me probably as a baby and on up. Therapy has helped me get to a better place but still a work in progress.

In addition to SB's question, it may also be helpful to analyze small issues you gave in on recently, preferably non-BPD related (less complex). The next time you are frustrated with someone and want them to do something different, you could see if DEARMAN https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0 helps.

Sometimes, people are good at bulldozing the rest of us. It's your job to know how much you really want something and want you are willing to sacrifice for it. Then, stand up for it.

Remember you and your needs are just as important as everyone else.