And I have reached another BPD milestone..ex threatened and degraded me.

[sirensong65]

Well, I experienced the last stages I believe on Christmas Eve.  Threatening to send a slanderous email to male friends of mine if I didn't immediately unblock him from emailing me.  I have him blocked on all communication (facebook, personal cell of mine and my children's phone, and email).  He can text me through my work cell because I am too embarrassed to contact my corporate people and ask that his number be blocked from my phone.  He sent me a barrage of texts blaming me for the end of the relationship, calling me names, etc.  Funny thing is we never fought til the end when he would explode of nothing.  HE was the cause of any discord.  I thought we had a great relationship before the weird angry outbursts happened.  Hindsight IS 20/20.

I have developed a very good relationship with his Ex before me who I reached out to after he dumped me.  He was furious about this, of course.  But I have to say her friendship and support through this has been the best thing that came from this relationship because she has been through it with him first hand and understands like no one else, what this is like and who he truly is.  It was helpful to know (though painful as well) that he treated her both in the good times and at the end exactly the same way.  Right down to using the same lines.  She had warned me that at the very end he emailed her and blamed the entire failure of the relationship on her, claimed no responsibility for any of it.

I actually feel guilty that I feel so down and depressed about the end of this phony union.  He put her and her family through far more pain than I had to endure. I actually faired much better. 

I know this relationship was NOT real.  Though he has not been formally diagnosed BPD (though recently diagnosed Bi Polar) I am sure he has PBD as there are many women littering his past and he marks all those relationships as NOT compatible because THEY were flawed.  You couldn't say anything to him without him taking WAY out of context, he came on strong and though I had warning bells that was NOT normal, I got sucked in and now here I sit bruised and battered emotionally.  Worse Christmas ever.

He originally ended things by saying that I loved him deeper than he loved me.  And that he has not been able to feel deeply for someone emotionally for years since his divorce.  We went from that to it is ALL my fault he had to leave me.

I have been on these boards for a month now and though the rational me knows it is him and not me.  It is so hard to admit the relationship was a farce, he never really loved me, and he can easily devalue me and move on because he has BPD and I don't which is why I am grieving this relationship like a death.

As recently as last night, I sat in my bed, in his T Shirt drinking wine and watching a chick flick becoming massively depressed and lonely for last year when Christmas was blissful, new and romantic.  I had never been so utterly happy.  The wine got the better of me and stupidly I text him that I was in his shirt, lonely and sad and wishing he felt that ache for me too.  His response was:  I am sorry .  That's it.  That made me feel even more worthless.

I am so ready for 2014.  I want to close this year out and never look back.  It has been a rollercoaster from hell.

I'm pretty sure he has a replacement, he has painted me blacker than black so I am pretty sure I will not hear from him again.  This was the case with his ex before me, this was the last set of steps then she saw him posting the perfect love pics of he and I a few months later. 

I still can't believe I am here.   Its all like a bad dream that never ends.

[arn131arn]

SS,

I feel the same way right now.  Was told before thanksgiving that she wanted to work on it after we have been split now since August.

Found out 10 days before x mas there was someone else. She even slept over his house x mas eve.  Was not there to open presents with my son at her dad's house (which she told me I HAD to do).

Anyway, I know where you are coming from.  I went NC and was feeling great just after a week.  Yet, her panic call x mas eve to demand I be at her dad's house to open presents with our son (8), was only a set up to hurt me and "show" me that she had indeed moved on, because she slept over my replacement's house.

All in all, I am thinking NC is the best way to go, once contact is made it opens the old scabs that were just beginning to form.

Stay strong... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're in that place siren; it hurts and we've all been there.  The good news is it gets better with time and a little work.

First, if he is a BPD sufferer or exhibits traits, we did very much love you, in fact you were perfect and the solution to his lifelong woes for a while; although a fantasy-based, unsustainable kind of love is all a borderline is capable of, to him it was 100% real.

Mine got very caustic and mean towards the end too.  Learning about BPD, I came to realize the core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and the extinction burst of communication attempts literally came out of a borderline panicking in the face of what they perceive as abandonment, however deluded that might be.  Plus, mine was full of shame, and concluded the relationship ended because she was ugly, worthless, bad and unlovable at her core, something she would never admit mind you, but those feelings were just too strong to deal with, so I had to be the scum of the earth for her to keep her head from exploding; I was far from perfect mind you, who isn't, but because she needed to offload all her crap onto someone to feel better, I was extra-special scum.  Very painful to hear, but objectively I didn't want a relationship with her, it would never work and I would never get my needs met, so her scurrying off in her shame was actually the good news once the emotions waned and learning the lessons became the focus.  Focusing on a future where next Christmas is your best one ever is a good plan right now, and moving towards creating it, sometimes just one foot in front of the other, will make it so.  Take care of you!

[sirensong65]

Thanks to both of you for your responses.  What a lesson this has been.  I am amazed that almost everyday, I think of something else that should have tipped me off.

About a month into us dating, I girl contacts me on FB and asks if I dating him.  I said yes, why and she says he is a wacko, a liar and a cheat.  I said you obviously have the wrong guy.  She says she is trying to warn me, he had burned her and a few others and wants to tell me what happened.  As she was telling me these things, he is texting me his syrupy sweet messages that he did multiple times a day.  He came across in the beginning as this low key, easy going, affectionate, sweet, stable guy.  I was so smitten with him.  Anyway, this girl sounded crazy with what she was telling me, and I answer his text that this girl has messaged me all this stuff about him.  Says that on the night (two weeks in to our dating) I backed out of seeing him because I told him I felt it was getting to serious too soon, he went straight over to her house and they had sex. 

Well, within minutes, she is messaging me to STOP telling him what she is saying because he is blowing up her phones threatening her.  Instead of demanding proof of this (which in hindsight I should have done) I dismissed her entirely then because what she was describing was SO out of character to the guy I was dating.

That night he explained that he went out with her a couple of times then  he met me and wanted to cut it off with her to pursue something with me and she was jealous and flipped out.  Sadly, I took him at his word.

After the berating and threatening texts I received from him Christmas Eve, I now realize he was this monster all along and I fell for the act.  My stomach has been in knots all day knowing I exposed my deepest self and opened  my heart up for the first time since my divorce 5 years ago to someone who didn't give a damn about me.

He wrote this script years ago.  He has played it out on the stage many, many times with different leading ladies.  He is the only one when the curtain goes up to know how the play will end.  As the ending is always the same... we exit stage left.  To me this would be an exhausting and depressing life.  We are in our mid 40's.  I have children but he never had any.  I thought we would end up married and grow old together.  I nursed him through illness, helped him get a better job, stood by him when he had episodes of depression, and we called each other our best friends. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks to both of you for your responses.  What a lesson this has been.  I am amazed that almost everyday, I think of something else that should have tipped me off.

Yeah, me too, the red flags I had blinded myself to when they happened shocked me later when I had to get honest about what I went through.  BIG opportunity for growth.

About a month into us dating, I girl contacts me on FB and asks if I dating him.  I said yes, why and she says he is a wacko, a liar and a cheat.  I said you obviously have the wrong guy.  She says she is trying to warn me, he had burned her and a few others and wants to tell me what happened.  As she was telling me these things, he is texting me his syrupy sweet messages that he did multiple times a day.  He came across in the beginning as this low key, easy going, affectionate, sweet, stable guy.  I was so smitten with him.  Anyway, this girl sounded crazy with what she was telling me, and I answer his text that this girl has messaged me all this stuff about him.  Says that on the night (two weeks in to our dating) I backed out of seeing him because I told him I felt it was getting to serious too soon, he went straight over to her house and they had sex.

Well, within minutes, she is messaging me to STOP telling him what she is saying because he is blowing up her phones threatening her.  Instead of demanding proof of this (which in hindsight I should have done) I dismissed her entirely then because what she was describing was SO out of character to the guy I was dating.

That girl sounds like another victim of the crazy; hopefully she too has found her way to solid ground.

After the berating and threatening texts I received from him Christmas Eve, I now realize he was this monster all along and I fell for the act.  My stomach has been in knots all day knowing I exposed my deepest self and opened  my heart up for the first time since my divorce 5 years ago to someone who didn't give a damn about me.

Me too and I'm sorry.  The main goal now is to not shut down and become bitter, but stay open to love and a healthy relationship, just much more aware as we build something worthwhile with someone who is capable.

He wrote this script years ago.  He has played it out on the stage many, many times with different leading ladies.  He is the only one when the curtain goes up to know how the play will end.  As the ending is always the same... we exit stage left.  To me this would be an exhausting and depressing life.  We are in our mid 40's.  I have children but he never had any.  I thought we would end up married and grow old together.  I nursed him through illness, helped him get a better job, stood by him when he had episodes of depression, and we called each other our best friends.  

I wanted the same thing you did.  We will find it with the right person; apparently we needed to do a little time in hell to learn some lessons first.  I'm OK with that now.

I do think that attributing a script to him is giving him too much credit though.  The only thing a borderline is sure of is they will be abandoned, their biggest fear.  And then the emotional content of the relationship triggers them, the wheels come off in a blaze of dysfunction, and we leave, fulfilling the prophesy, or if they're lucky they leave first, to avoid that abandonment.