Why Do I Have to Treat Her Bad?

[joethemechanic]

Yeah, in order for her to treat me right, I have to be less nice and loving than I want to be.

If I ignore her calls and texts for about 12 hours, she gets frantic and tells me she is sorry for whatever and how much she loves me. During the time I go NC she calls at least every half hour and sends a gazillion texts. After about 12 hours of NC she will drive here looking for me and be all loving when she finds me.

If I don't play this game at least once a week she starts not answering my calls and blowing off whatever plans we have to go "party" with her "friends". Boy does that hanging out in a "F" ing taproom with her friends ever "P" me off. She was sober for 23 years... .

Damn, she is 48, and I'm 52. This is the same crappy game we played from 1983 to 1988 during our first go around. (I think we are currently on "round" five)

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

I am curious. What seems to be setting her off on these tangents? You said it has happened a few times. If you give it some thought, is there something you can think of?

What is going on with you or her or your life together that may be having this effect?

I am asking you to look deeper 

[joethemechanic]

Her drinking, it's bad enough when she does it here, but when she goes and hangs out in a taproom with a bunch of losers, I really get PO.

I saw how bad of an alcoholic she was back in the 80's before she got sober. 23 years of sobriety down the tubes because she wanted to hang out with her friends from work and play pool in a bar. "But I'm only drinking soda" she said.

[elemental]

All that time, so sad and disappointing for you. I  get weary of "starting over" from the beginning. Like it was not hard enough the first 10 times starting over.

I don't think you can do very much to help her until she stops drinking. Does she appear to have a plan to address it?

[joethemechanic]

Yeah... ."I'm going to quit for new years" she says... .


I've heard lots of "plans"... .


The only way I can keep her from screwing up is to go NC and ignore her calls and texts for a day while she goes frantic trying to contact me, Then her whole focus is on me for a couple of days and she behaves.

I'm just waiting for her to get a DWI or worse.

I can deal with her BPD crap normally, but add a drink, and I get terrified she is going to hurt herself.

[joethemechanic]

When she drinks is when she disassociates and becomes totally detached from her emotions. Not every time she drinks, and there is no particular amount that causes it (I have seen her disassociate from just smelling a vodka bottle) But every time I have seen her dissociate there has been alcohol involved.

On the bright side now the dissociations last anywhere from 15 minutes, to a maybe 4 or 5 hours. Back in the day (80's) they generally lasted 3 days.

[elemental]

I am so sorry 

My older sister died from alcoholism. It's such a feeling of resigned helplessness and anger for how evil alcohol is.