Another depressive episode

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Firneds of mine came in from out of town. She offered to stay with her mom to make room (we certainly weren't going to share the bed again). Kids stayed with me.

Spent all day doing tourist things with my friends and son. She spent the day with D1 and her mom. They came back later, I made food for the kids, watched tv and read with them as normal. My x lay on the couch, said she was tired, didn't get much sleep the night before. Then she weirdly was encouraging the kids to go to bed way earlier than she normally puts them to sleep, and even 45 mins earlier than I do. D1 was hard to get to sleep. Started to annoy her. I helped put them both down, x looked mad. I asked her if everything was ok, she curtly responded, "fine" then went to the couch to crash. Sleeping again, I suppose, to reset that brain. I always found it hard to sympathize with this since I've always done well on little sleep. I really,really wonder how she is going to handle them consistently when she moves out... .told me yesterday she was mkving up several waiting lists. I wonder if the depression is getting triggered more again since she isn't out medicating. I sense that due to her sudden reengagement with the kids and the household.

Sorry kids, not much drama there. Just bored late at night... .

[Turkish]

Firneds of mine came in from out of town. She offered to stay with her mom to make room (we certainly weren't going to share the bed again). Kids stayed with me.

Spent all day doing tourist things with my friends and son. She spent the day with D1 and her mom. They came back later, I made food for the kids, watched tv and read with them as normal. My x lay on the couch, said she was tired, didn't get much sleep the night before. Then she weirdly was encouraging the kids to go to bed way earlier than she normally puts them to sleep, and even 45 mins earlier than I do. D1 was hard to get to sleep. Started to annoy her. I helped put them both down, x looked mad. I asked her if everything was ok, she curtly responded, "fine" then went to the couch to crash. Sleeping again, I suppose, to reset that brain. I always found it hard to sympathize with this since I've always done well on little sleep. I really,really wonder how she is going to handle them consistently when she moves out... .told me yesterday she was mkving up several waiting lists. I wonder if the depression is getting triggered more again since she isn't out medicating. I sense that due to her sudden reengagement with the kids and the household.

Sorry kids, not much drama there. Just bored late at night... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

It's more of the same, I'm afraid.   Reengagement activity again.   So annoying, sad and maddening all at the same time.

I was a bit depressed myself today.  Something about Saturday's that seems to get me down.   I was with a whole bunch of cool cousins and all I wanted to do was go in the other room.

It didn't help that I got the following text from the expwBPDgf:

Please tell your parents I said hello.  I don't know about you, but this has been a difficult holiday for me.

That was annoying, sad and maddening.  I hate that I wanted to talk to her right then.   I didn't!  But I REALLY wanted to.

Sheesh!   The crap we put up with is nuts!

D

[Turkish]

Turkish,

It's more of the same, I'm afraid.   Reengagement activity again.   So annoying, sad and maddening all at the same time.

I was a bit depressed myself today.  Something about Saturday's that seems to get me down.   I was with a whole bunch of cool cousins and all I wanted to do was go in the other room.

It didn't help that I got the following text from the expwBPDgf:

Please tell your parents I said hello.  I don't know about you, but this has been a difficult holiday for me.

That was annoying, sad and maddening.  I hate that I wanted to talk to her right then.   I didn't!  But I REALLY wanted to.

Sheesh!   The crap we put up with is nuts!

D

Two months ago, it was "you don't think this is hard for me too?" Cue the crying, my violation of No Touching and we hugged and cried, as if she had no culpability in her choices... .

I asked her plans for tomorrow. She said she thought I was going to take them to church so she made plans with a friend (kind of like her second mom). I said ok, but as I always say, it won't kill them to miss it. They just go to Sunday school anyway, which is a good primer for preeschool. I had them christmas, the next day, half of the next day, and S3 all day today. She's still detached a bit, and I'm the only one who sees it. I purposely didn't want to go to an amusement park today to not abandon S3... .she is of a different mindset. I appreciate that she watched D1, because that made the day easier, but that's her daughter!

[TakingWingAtLast]

You don't think this is hard... .

Wow!   You're right.  Taking no responsibility whatsoever.

It's hard to believe that intelligent people can't seem to figure any of this sh$t out.  And live in such ignorance about themselves.   So sad!  And maddening when you are the one living with them.  Good riddance!

D

[Tincup]

This really has nothing to do with the thread but you both mentioned the wording of texts from your pwBPD.  This is something that I never really could figure out.  She would word texts and emails in such a way that I would say What the heck to myself, and it would be no way to respond.  She would really have no sense of reality as far as what was actually going on. 

this probably makes no sense since nothing with her makes sense...

[Pearl55]

You don't think this is hard... .

Wow!   You're right.  Taking no responsibility whatsoever.

It's hard to believe that intelligent people can't seem to figure any of this sh$t out.  And live in such ignorance about themselves.   So sad!  And maddening when you are the one living with them.  Good riddance!

D

I was thinking about that as well but they are far more intelligent than us. I lost over £200k. How cunning and clever they are!

[Turkish]

This really has nothing to do with the thread but you both mentioned the wording of texts from your pwBPD.  This is something that I never really could figure out.  She would word texts and emails in such a way that I would say What the heck to myself, and it would be no way to respond.  She would really have no sense of reality as far as what was actually going on. 

this probably makes no sense since nothing with her makes sense...

My favorite was this email from a few months ago: "a woman of character deserves a man of character. In this, you failed." Yes, if lying, cheating and abusing define character in her mind then I certainly am a failure! Though that begged for a ripping response, I didn't. I just shook my head at the audacity of her thoughts.

[babyducks]

as if she had no culpability in her choices... .

Thanks Turkish... .the line above is going in the journal I keep of classic need to remember insights.

[Octoberfest]

This really has nothing to do with the thread but you both mentioned the wording of texts from your pwBPD.  This is something that I never really could figure out.  She would word texts and emails in such a way that I would say What the heck to myself, and it would be no way to respond.  She would really have no sense of reality as far as what was actually going on. 

this probably makes no sense since nothing with her makes sense...

My favorite was this email from a few months ago: "a woman of character deserves a man of character. In this, you failed." Yes, if lying, cheating and abusing define character in her mind then I certainly am a failure! Though that begged for a ripping response, I didn't. I just shook my head at the audacity of her thoughts.

Tincup-

My BPDex also talked about her behavior/the things she did as though she had no control over them.  Instead of "Things are this way because I did this or I thought this" it is "It is what it is. I hate it, but theres nothing I can do about it".  It is relieving them of responsibility, because it would be even more shame and guilt for them to bear.  They have to be the perpetual victim in their narrative; of course, this also means that nothing is ever going to change given the fact that they see everyone else as the problem.

Two months ago, it was "you don't think this is hard for me too?" Cue the crying, my violation of No Touching and we hugged and cried, as if she had no culpability in her choices... .

This is what I mean 

Turkish-

I would have lost my lid if my BPDex had said that to me.  For how much I hammered "Honor, Loyalty, and Integrity" throughout our relationship as the things most important to me, and for how much she cheated, lied, and deceived, it would set me over to have her say something like that.  I commend you for handling it well.

You don't think this is hard... .

Wow!   You're right.  Taking no responsibility whatsoever.

It's hard to believe that intelligent people can't seem to figure any of this sh$t out.  And live in such ignorance about themselves.   So sad!  And maddening when you are the one living with them.  Good riddance!

D

I was thinking about that as well but they are far more intelligent than us. I lost over £200k. How cunning and clever they are!

I think that this line of thinking is the easy way out.  Personally, I don't believe my BPDex to be anywhere near as intelligent as I am. She dropped out of school, where she was pursuing a bachelors in psychology, because her GPA got so low (at or under 2.0) that they suspended her.

Of course there are tons of ways BPD can manifest itself, but I don't think making a blanket statement like this is helpful... .in a way, it is removing YOUR culpability. 

Don't get me wrong, I would certainly say my BPDex was cunning.  And I was certainly manipulated and taken advantage of.  But if I am being honest, the biggest reason my BPDex was able to sneak as much under my nose for as long as she did (there was so much I invariably had to catch on at SOME point, just a matter of when) was because I didn't want to believe it was true.

I think it is true to say I had, and still have to some degree, a vulnerability that my BPDex is built perfectly to exploit. That vulnerability is on me though. In some ways, that is very encouraging.  It gives ME power over something.  I can't change what happened with my BPDex, or who she is, or what she is going to do in the future.  But I can change ME so that I don't fall into the same trap again.

[Tincup]

Turkish-My favorite email from a previous recycle was "you will find a women who will take the backseat for you, and I will find a man that will put me on a pedestal like I deserve."  This was after she wanted me to take the day off work and I couldn't do it that particular day (she asked me the evening before to take the next day off to spend with her).  I would of loved to but my boss was off and I had to be in the office.  I told her it was a great idea and could we do that the following day.  That is when I got that email...

[Pearl55]

Tincup

Be very thankful you didn't! Because if you did, she viewed you not smart enough to beleive her fake acts. There is a no win situation with a borderlines.

[Turkish]

Turkish-My favorite email from a previous recycle was "you will find a women who will take the backseat for you, and I will find a man that will put me on a pedestal like I deserve."  This was after she wanted me to take the day off work and I couldn't do it that particular day (she asked me the evening before to take the next day off to spend with her).  I would of loved to but my boss was off and I had to be in the office.  I told her it was a great idea and could we do that the following day.  That is when I got that email...

Oh wow... .

she posted one of those dumb things on her FB (from "teen district" ). About how if a man wasn't paying attention to his woman, someone else was always willing to do it. She didn't get a single like, even from her friends. So disordered that I think more people see through the bs than she thinks. I blocked her soon after... .

[santa]

Turkish-My favorite email from a previous recycle was "you will find a women who will take the backseat for you, and I will find a man that will put me on a pedestal like I deserve."  This was after she wanted me to take the day off work and I couldn't do it that particular day (she asked me the evening before to take the next day off to spend with her).  I would of loved to but my boss was off and I had to be in the office.  I told her it was a great idea and could we do that the following day.  That is when I got that email...

Oh wow... .

she posted one of those dumb things on her FB (from "teen district" ). About how if a man wasn't paying attention to his woman, someone else was always willing to do it. She didn't get a single like, even from her friends. So disordered that I think more people see through the bs than she thinks. I blocked her soon after... .

That's hilarious, Turkish.

[Turkish]

This really has nothing to do with the thread but you both mentioned the wording of texts from your pwBPD.  This is something that I never really could figure out.  She would word texts and emails in such a way that I would say What the heck to myself, and it would be no way to respond.  She would really have no sense of reality as far as what was actually going on. 

this probably makes no sense since nothing with her makes sense...

My favorite was this email from a few months ago: "a woman of character deserves a man of character. In this, you failed." Yes, if lying, cheating and abusing define character in her mind then I certainly am a failure! Though that begged for a ripping response, I didn't. I just shook my head at the audacity of her thoughts.

Tincup-

My BPDex also talked about her behavior/the things she did as though she had no control over them.  Instead of "Things are this way because I did this or I thought this" it is "It is what it is. I hate it, but theres nothing I can do about it".  It is relieving them of responsibility, because it would be even more shame and guilt for them to bear.  They have to be the perpetual victim in their narrative; of course, this also means that nothing is ever going to change given the fact that they see everyone else as the problem.

Mine said, "maybe this had to happen... ." as if it had nothing to do with her choices.

Two months ago, it was "you don't think this is hard for me too?" Cue the crying, my violation of No Touching and we hugged and cried, as if she had no culpability in her choices... .

This is what I mean 

Turkish-

I would have lost my lid if my BPDex had said that to me.  For how much I hammered "Honor, Loyalty, and Integrity" throughout our relationship as the things most important to me, and for how much she cheated, lied, and deceived, it would set me over to have her say something like that.  I commend you for handling it well.

I was still in the FOG at that point. I'd react differently now, but then I shut down any attempts talk about our r/s.

You don't think this is hard... .

Wow!   You're right.  Taking no responsibility whatsoever.

It's hard to believe that intelligent people can't seem to figure any of this sh$t out.  And live in such ignorance about themselves.   So sad!  And maddening when you are the one living with them.  Good riddance!

D

I was thinking about that as well but they are far more intelligent than us. I lost over £200k. How cunning and clever they are!

I think that this line of thinking is the easy way out.  Personally, I don't believe my BPDex to be anywhere near as intelligent as I am. She dropped out of school, where she was pursuing a bachelors in psychology, because her GPA got so low (at or under 2.0) that they suspended her.

Of course there are tons of ways BPD can manifest itself, but I don't think making a blanket statement like this is helpful... .in a way, it is removing YOUR culpability. 

Don't get me wrong, I would certainly say my BPDex was cunning. 

.

Mine thinks she is cunning, but nothing in this was thought out. I ignored many signs that I shouldn't have. She isn't dumb by any means, but I'm sure I have at least 20 IQ points on her. One thing she never figured out, and I'll never tell her, is reading all sorts of things she wrote by doing cntl+v (paste).oh the computer. I almost wish I hadn't , but it gave me into how far she had regressed mentally.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

I hold a Ph.D. in the hard sciences, so no slouch in the brains department.  Yet I still didn't have enough sense to get out of this crazy r/s!   Sometimes, we are simply vulnerable for whatever reason.  Mine was leaving a 23 year old relationship that was practically sexless.  So, yeah, kind of vulnerable.

Pearl,

I think cunning is a terrific word to describe our pwBPDs.   But it doesn't really work if we aren't vulnerable and don't get the spider web that they've built.   There is another thread here that described pwBPD as a spider that does what spiders do!  Spin webs that capture hearts.   If you are not vulnerable and have good knowledge of red flags, then you see the spider web and break it and leave.  If you are vulnerable, then you get caught on the strands and maybe get wrapped up by the spider.  Or you have a personality issue yourself and not only wrap your self with this particular spider, you might jump into another spider web as well! 

I kind of liked the analogy, as you can tell.  I'm sorry I couldn't make the exact quote work!

D

[Pearl55]

Takingthewing


I have been witnessing some cases how men and women lost everything over their borderlines husband and wives. To me is more than cunning because we've been living with our opponents so what do you expect?

I didn't mean academic intelligence. They are so clever (more than normal people) to read your needs, access to your unconscious and soo highly experienced at BRAINWASHING. You think you are in control of your life but in fact you are not. They are under your skin, that's why I've lost everything. IQ is irrelevant with this issue!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Pearl,

I was agreeing wth you!   They are cunning indeed for exactly the reasons you describe.