Trying to disengage so much

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have tried so hard to let go. My ex Bpd bf treated me so badly I walked away and have no regrets. So why does he continue to contact me with texts and a Xmas card as if nothing has happened? He hurt me so much and I am moving on. Every time he contacts me it re opens the wounds and reminds me of what I wanted him to be, what he promised me he would be but then the lies, betrayal and pain. I am NC and have asked him to leave me alone but he does not seem to want to respect that or realise the extent of his behaviour! I feel so low!

[Starlight607]

I have tried so hard to let go. My ex Bpd bf treated me so badly I walked away and have no regrets. So why does he continue to contact me with texts and a Xmas card as if nothing has happened? He hurt me so much and I am moving on. Every time he contacts me it re opens the wounds and reminds me of what I wanted him to be, what he promised me he would be but then the lies, betrayal and pain. I am NC and have asked him to leave me alone but he does not seem to want to respect that or realise the extent of his behaviour! I feel so low!

[ShadowDancer]

Very often in our quest for peace a change of telephone number is in order. There are times when the clearest message is sent without words.

[DragoN]

So why does he continue to contact me with texts and a Xmas card as if nothing has happened?

In his mind, nothing has happened. They "forget" and if they remember, they will blame you anyways.

From what I have seen and personally experienced, they don't forget. But the shame of their actions halts them from ever owning it. It is easier for them to shove off and try draining another person. Till she gets sick of him as well and leaves.

To avoid unnecessary emails, block his email. He may also try getting around that using another email address. Block that one too.

Remember the crap of what he really is, his actions are what define him, not his words.

[Starlight607]

You are right. I need to change my number. I just want him to go away. I realise he just blocks out the reality. I don't even know if I am replaced. There was a time when I would have wanted to know but not now. That marks a huge move forward for me. So why am I still so Sad?

[laelle]

Your sad because he walks all over your boundaries even after he is no longer a part of your life?  He does not care how his contact affects you, only that it is something that he "needs" for whatever reason?  It may seem like a "Merry Christmas", when in reality it is a knife in the gut.  Do not be fooled!  If you do not want contact, and he keeps making contact, take control and cut him off totally.

[DragoN]

So why am I still so Sad?

Because you are normal.

It hurts bad. The trauma bonds and betrayal? It's awful. Cry when the emotions hit and think why are you crying. What is behind that? Where is it coming from? Remember what the crap was really in the r/s and let go of the rotten feelings. 

Your sad because he walks all over your boundaries even after he is no longer a part of your life?  He does not care how his contact affects you, only that it is something that he "needs" for whatever reason?

They certainly will if you let them.

If they are pwBPD/ NPD, they can't handle closure. That would be an adult and responsible action, something that they are not capable of with the one person that is closest to them. They devalue and discard, then come back when they need to feed on your psyche. Round and round it goes till you cut them off.

[necchi]

-----lol, crazy... .and how can they add, or include children's in their equations?

[necchi]

-----lol, crazy... .and how can they add, or include children's in their equations?

Sorry, because they themselves are. So lets invite friends over.

[damage control]

When I finally cracked a few weeks back and asked my ex if we could please just avoid each other as much as possible (we are in the same share house) ... he left it for one day until he couldn't help but keep coming to me and trying to strike up conversation/hang out with me ... it seemed like the very act of asking him to leave me alone brought that out in him ... .he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go either ... .

[DragoN]

... .he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go either ... .

And if you were to start seeing someone else? He would glom on to you like a tick is my bet. Or shove off hard in the opposite direction. It's 50/50. Years ago during our separation, ~1.5 years later I started dating someone else, my now exH, called and finally was agreeable to divorce [ he had a replacement] and in pretty much the same sentence he went from wanting the divorce, to wanting me back. The divorce trip turned into a gorgeous recycle.

Your situation sounds horrible. Hope you find a better living situation soon. That would be so uncomfortable.

[Tolou]

I agree, I changed my number!  It was hard but I only gave it to people closest to me when I got the new one.  It is n't fair that we have to make all these changes but if you really want to seprate yourself from someone who is not able to be at all even understanding that what he is doing is not okay, the it is you who has to make the changes.  Email, number, etc... .and as difficult as it maybe, trash any type of mail or cards you receive because it will only set you back, don't open it, or read it.  You can even put right back in the mailbox unopened return to sender until he gets the message.  The longer you go no contact the better it will be for your health.

[Starlight607]

I wrote the original post in this chain after texts and Xmas card despite asking for NC politely but definitely. I have blocked Facebook, changed e mail but refuse to change my number on mobile. So yes last night I got another text saying " wherever you are and who ever you are with I wish you a sincere Happy Christmas and hope we can both find happiness in the New Year". If he was with a replacement or in his silence he would have quite easily avoided any contact. I have ignored his texts for 3 weeks now and not acknowledged his birthday today of all days or Christmas. I cannot. Is this a need on his part to get a response from me?

So I have written several texts to respond venting my anger at his cheating, lies, silent treatment, drinking, moods, insults and push/pull behaviour and told him for the umpteenth time I am happy! I cannot face another relationship but I feel fine about that? I am enjoying being free and enjoying getting up each day not being in such a painful and destructive r/s with my BPD BF. I am happy to finally realise he never really cared for me or respected me except for very brief periods before he would split. I have deleted every text today without sending however as deep down now I know he did not send the text because he misses me or cares really. He just wants a response and to know where I am and who I am with. Not that he would ever divulge such info about his life to me unless it was in his interests.

It still makes me feel sad as I really loved him and the highs were fantastic. It seemed we shared so much! I don't want to go back I just cannot wait for his eventual disappearance and no more contact. Thank you for this site while I wait for that time. I am having a lovely family Christmas and am looking forward to 2014.

Starlight607

[Tolou]

Starlight.  hope you have a wonderful 2014.  I think your doing whats best by staying away and not letting yourself get sucked back into that relationship.  Hopefully, with time and no contact you will continue to move forward, and he will get the point and eventually leave you alone. stay strong!