Question: When Times were good

[Depression = 72% of members]

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, but do not have two personalities.  My take, absolutely true with my ex, is she was traumatized at a young age and continues to retraumatize herself today; her life really is a living hell and she is in constant psychic pain, with brief breaks brought about by the chaos she creates.  She is also terrified of abandonment and knows that if she shows the real her, people will walk away, other than mental health workers who might want a challenge.  So she mirrors, which is a fiction, a facade, that serves two purposes: one, she mirrors back the good she sees in people so they will like her, very attractive because she's showing us ourselves, what's not to like, but the more important reason is she's assimilating our good to combat her bad, a parasitic attachment that is creating one person in her head, and for that period when the fantasy is still fantasy, she's finally a whole person who can live with herself.  Of course those of us who are autonomous individuals and make the mistake of assuming she is too, expect the relationship to progress in a different direction, a partnership of two selves.  Eventually the wheels fall off the fantasy, the shame and self loathing shows up for the borderline, too much to handle, so she offs it on us, we become the scum of the earth, and it's off to another fantasy.  But not only is there only one personality in there, there's a half of one, perpetually looking for that other half.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, but do not have two personalities.  My take, absolutely true with my ex, is she was traumatized at a young age and continues to retraumatize herself today; her life really is a living hell and she is in constant psychic pain, with brief breaks brought about by the chaos she creates.  She is also terrified of abandonment and knows that if she shows the real her, people will walk away, other than mental health workers who might want a challenge.  So she mirrors, which is a fiction, a facade, that serves two purposes: one, she mirrors back the good she sees in people so they will like her, very attractive because she's showing us ourselves, what's not to like, but the more important reason is she's assimilating our good to combat her bad, a parasitic attachment that is creating one person in her head, and for that period when the fantasy is still fantasy, she's finally a whole person who can live with herself.  Of course those of us who are autonomous individuals and make the mistake of assuming she is too, expect the relationship to progress in a different direction, a partnership of two selves.  Eventually the wheels fall off the fantasy, the shame and self loathing shows up for the borderline, too much to handle, so she offs it on us, we become the scum of the earth, and it's off to another fantasy.  But not only is there only one personality in there, there's a half of one, perpetually looking for that other half.

[charred]

I wouldn't describe it as two personalities... rather the phases in BPD... idealizing/clinging/hating. My pwBPD had a general way that she was... which was really over the top, emotional... but how she acted varied like a chameleon. Whenever she was idealizing, being nice, volunteering and putting on a public show for others... it echoed phoniness. When she was upset, clingy, she was like a little kid... that wanted something... there was some truth to her actions but something not said. However every fiber of her being was 100% consistent with no brakes or holding back of any kind when she was hating and raging... never seen a more consistent, scary person. She reminded me of Jodi Arias... acted like her... have absolutely no doubt she could stab someone 29 times, rip their throat out and shoot them... . then go to the funeral, grandstand and want to be comforted. Total sociopath.

[Ironmanrises]

I wouldn't describe it as two personalities... rather the phases in BPD... idealizing/clinging/hating. My pwBPD had a general way that she was... which was really over the top, emotional... but how she acted varied like a chameleon. Whenever she was idealizing, being nice, volunteering and putting on a public show for others... it echoed phoniness. When she was upset, clingy, she was like a little kid... that wanted something... there was some truth to her actions but something not said. However every fiber of her being was 100% consistent with no brakes or holding back of any kind when she was hating and raging... never seen a more consistent, scary person. She reminded me of Jodi Arias... acted like her... have absolutely no doubt she could stab someone 29 times, rip their throat out and shoot them... . then go to the funeral, grandstand and want to be comforted. Total sociopath.

BPD is a personality disorder. Wouldn't the phases be more descriptive of say Bipolar where the mood swings would equate to that? It can't be that only the godawful/hater side to the pwBPD is 100% authentic while the original/idealizing/clinging side is 1/2 true to false. I experienced the actual schism of her personality in her very presence. And it was horrific.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wouldn't describe it as two personalities... rather the phases in BPD... idealizing/clinging/hating. My pwBPD had a general way that she was... which was really over the top, emotional... but how she acted varied like a chameleon. Whenever she was idealizing, being nice, volunteering and putting on a public show for others... it echoed phoniness. When she was upset, clingy, she was like a little kid... that wanted something... there was some truth to her actions but something not said. However every fiber of her being was 100% consistent with no brakes or holding back of any kind when she was hating and raging... never seen a more consistent, scary person. She reminded me of Jodi Arias... acted like her... have absolutely no doubt she could stab someone 29 times, rip their throat out and shoot them... . then go to the funeral, grandstand and want to be comforted. Total sociopath.

BPD is a personality disorder. Wouldn't the phases be more descriptive of say Bipolar where the mood swings would equate to that? It can't be that only the godawful/hater side to the pwBPD is 100% authentic while the original/idealizing/clinging side is 1/2 true to false. I experienced the actual schism of her personality in her very presence. And it was horrific.

One thing that has become fascinating to me as I've detached is the clinical side of the disorder, and as we know BPD often times is comorbid with other disorders; BPD, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder, and bipolar disorder are three different things that may coexist in the same personality.  Plus there are 9 criteria, 5 of which must be met for a diagnosis of BPD, so there are a lot of permutations even within pure BPD.

My ex exhibited traits of both BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although in my opinion the BPD traits were predominant.  The thing that helps me is the core of BPD is a fear of abandonment borne out of a failure to detach and become an autonomous self in infancy, and that drives all the behaviors and traits; very easy to see my ex's motivations when viewed in that light.

And at the end of the day the label doesn't matter, except to mental health professionals.  We were just the lucky recipients of the fallout of the disorder, painful as hell, a way for a sufferer to share their trauma with us, and detaching is a way to grow and become educated so it doesn't happen again.

[charred]

My pwBPD was diagnosed BiPolar at one time, BPD, and most recently was told she "had an unstable personality... thats all".  Reading on BPD ... seems like typically pwBPD in a r/s go through idealizing,clinging and hating... . my experience matched those three ways of acting... each recycle had far less idealizing, a bit less clinging... and massively more hating/abusive behavior. I too don't care what you call it, it was horrible trying to make a r/s work with her.

[Pretty Woman]

Tincup,

  Mine would dump right before or during a holiday/special event. Got dumped 2nd week of Dec, she was back before New Years... .

dumped on NYD. Came back for Valentine's Day. Made it through her birthday (lucky her) and then dumped me right before the 4th of July. Came back before our anniversary and finally dumped me a week before my birthday and all the holidays (Christmas/New Years) etc.

[Tincup]

EA-That is what worries me a bit right now.  I either got dumped in the fall months, or almost got dumped.  Not sure what it is about the fall that does it to her.  You could see and feel the change coming.  One time when I did get her to talk some she said it was "something with her that she needed to deal with".  I was patient with her even though I didn't understand, and she couldn't verbalize what she was feeling.  We got through that one last year, but not this year.  This one I didn't really see coming first. BUT we almost always got back together in Feb.  So if I have contact coming it is probably coming soon.

[Turkish]

EA-That is what worries me a bit right now.  I either got dumped in the fall months, or almost got dumped.  Not sure what it is about the fall that does it to her.  You could see and feel the change coming.  One time when I did get her to talk some she said it was "something with her that she needed to deal with".  I was patient with her even though I didn't understand, and she couldn't verbalize what she was feeling.  We got through that one last year, but not this year.  This one I didn't really see coming first. BUT we almost always got back together in Feb.  So if I have contact coming it is probably coming soon.

Sounds like SAD. Pretty typical. Mine's worse dysregulation and depression were in the winter months when days were shorter. SAD typically starts hitting around the autumnal equinox.

[Pretty Woman]

Tincup,

 Well for me this is new but she has never had a replacement here nearby. Maybe she truly is done with me.  In the past I was never threatened with a RO except when she left FOR someone.

She didn't threaten the RO this time just blocked all communications. Kinda childish because there are still 3-4 more ways I could really contact her if I wanted to... . I simply do not care anymore.

I think when there is a replacement the game changes. This has been the longest split and again, no problem there. I still have anxiety attacks from dating this chick. My heart races, stomach aches. It sucks. The best thing is her staying away for awhile. I am happy she is seeing someone else.

Not my problem anymore.

Truly, more than SAD I think the holidays and my birthday triggered mine=commitment of sorts.

[thisyoungdad]

This has been an interesting thread to read through. For the longest time in my relationship with my ex I didn't understand the very unhealthy nature of her relationship with her mother. Every time her mom would visit it was like she was 12 and she let her mom treat her that way. We had a lot of conflict over this because of course then I was wondering where my partner/wife went. Her mother had a very direct role in my ex getting triggered and leaving me. I have struggled not to hate her mother but as the grandmother to my daughter I try extremely hard not to. So after my ex up and left (when things were the best they ever had been) she came back for a while. We were having breakfast and she said to me that she didn't want things this way but she was afraid to lose her family. At the time I thought she meant me and our daughter. Then over time I realized she meant her moms approval because her mother had not liked me since before she met me. So sure enough her mom egged her on to divorce me quick etc. and then my ex ran straight to her mom, who then flew in from out of state almost monthly to "help her daughter" through this horrible time divorcing an abusive guy, and trying to convincer her I didn't deserve 50/50 custody. She wouldn't even acknowledge me as the father of my child for almost 3 years. What I have come to realize is that my ex never had any attachment to her mother and as such she is still desperately searching for that approval and attachment she didn't get. She felt she had to give me and our family up to get that. The triggered part of my ex is horrible to deal with and live with. The non triggered part of her is relatively pleasant. The problem is once she was triggered then just my mere existence triggered her and it was all over from there, no going back. It is a sad disorder really, when I am in my good place I can see that. When not I am just angry still.

[Tincup]

well said that you can see how sad the disorder is when you are in a good place and can see it.  I am at the point of going in and out.  One minute I can see things very clear, and an hour later I want her back.  BUT at least I am to the point where I can see things clear.  When I got recycled prior I just wanted her back and could not/did not allow myself to see things clearly. 

It really amazes me that I can even see any good in this relationship after all the bad. 

[thisyoungdad]

Looking back I can see a lot of good in the relationship, and that is why I am then able to see how sad the disorder really is. My moments of wanting her back, the life I thought we had back, are very few and far between and when I do have them they are not terribly strong and overwhelming because I have been able to learn to tell myself in those moments that what I am wanting is what I "THOUGHT" I had not what I really had. From the outside I had it all, but inside I was sad and lonely. I actually called up an old therapist I had when I first met my wife and one of the first things she told me was that I always said from the earliest days of the relationship that I felt emotionally alone. That was very helpful to me in being able to see that it was an illusion. I think that my ex did want it too. We did have it all, the house, the kid, the 2 cars, the cat and dog etc but I think that honestly may have triggered her too. I think she wants it though, she just can't cope with it. That is the other way I find it sad.

She sent me an email about a month before she left me and it talked about how she was when her parents were in town. She said she wished I was gone and didn't exist and then she went on to say that she has done a lot of thinking and she really didn't think she would feel any different no matter who it was and it was not personal against me. I unfortunately took it personal and had a huge reaction. Where now I can look back and see she was really being honest and vulnerable and truthful in that it wasn't personal. She even went as far as to say she knew it was wrong and F-ed up and it made her sad, and that she wanted to work on it but didn't know how or something like that. In hindsight that email alone is so telling. I have been a jack a-- in our divorce and thrown that at her a few times and I regret that. None the less I think at least for my ex she is aware, and even on some level remorseful or regretful or something. I feel like it is similar to an alcoholic (I am in AA) who tries and tries to get sober and they know they have a problem but just can't get it and how sad that is because they do want it, they just can't bring themselves to admit they are powerless and need the help.