Question: When Times were good

[Tincup]

Ok I struggle understanding why my exUBPDgf would change when things started really going well.  Anytime we were getting along really well, and I would start finally feeling some since of "security" in the relationship it would turn bad fast.  Usually she would flame me for something seemingly small and break up.

Did anyone else feel like this?

[LilMissSunshine]

All the time Tincup.  For months towards the end I found myself actually "blessing myself"  before going into his house.  "Things are going well lord, please let this continue".     Couple hours later I'd usually be on my way home - AGAIN - asking myself What the heck happened this time?  I thought things were going well? 

[DownandOut]

This is the torture of a BPD r/s. As soon as things were going great and we seemed to be growing and connecting on a deeper level, she would start to call me out on all types of nonsense. Quirks of mine that either go unnoticed to most, or should be loved by my SO, became unforgivable flaws that warranted terrible treatment and abuse. BAsed on my knowledge of the illness, I'm assuming they simply cannot handle getting close to anyone and push you away as fast as they pull you in.

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember the core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment and borderlines are hypersensitive.  If we go from the high drama of the beginning of a relationship, hyperfocused on the other person so that the world disappears, fawning over their every desire and giving them all of our focus, and then, once the honeymoon starts waning and we settle into the comfort of a sustainable, long term relationship, in a borderline's head we already left, the absolute worst thing that can happen.  So they will stir up some sht to either get attention, keep you on edge so you won't leave, or just look for some company in their chaos, or they will leave you, a preemptive strike.  Contentment and happiness are short lived for someone with the disorder, intimacy is triggering, and adult intimacy is a foreign concept to someone emotionally stunted.  We were looking for something that could never happen.

[seeking balance]

Ok I struggle understanding why my exUBPDgf would change when things started really going well.  Anytime we were getting along really well, and I would start finally feeling some since of "security" in the relationship it would turn bad fast.  Usually she would flame me for something seemingly small and break up.

The key to this is that things were really good for you, not your ex.  PwBPD are masters at hiding the intensity of their emotions; they have learned how to adapt - but like volcano it will eventually blow.

This will likely not sound logical to you, but it is BPD, not logic.  Calm is hard for BPD - they have to be with the intense emotions.  Most of the maladpative coping we complain about on this board is them trying to self sooth those intense feelings.

Did she create the drama - yes - it is a coping skill to soothe intense emotions.

BPD treatment - DBT teaches how to sit with emotions "be" with them and not react.  Use healthier ways to cope and self soothe.

It helped me detach and heal when I was to see the BPD facts in the bahavior, this stuff (chaos) wasn't done personally to make my life miserable, it was maladaptive coping/BPD.

Peace,

SB

[LilMissSunshine]

I'm never going to understand this hit_.  No matter how much I try I can't wrap my brain around their way of thinking.  It just doesn't "compute."  Drama to soothe?  I know it's real though, just so complicated.

[seeking balance]

I'm never going to understand this sh#t.  No matter how much I try I can't wrap my brain around their way of thinking.  It just doesn't "compute."  Drama to soothe?  I know it's real though, just so complicated.

It helped me to stop trying to apply my logic and radically accept the facts of BPD.  I mean, BPD is a mental illness -when is mental illness exactly logical?

Distraction is a common coping skill to intense emotions for all - the key is making it a healthy distraction.  Once a BPD is triggered, rational thought goes out the window and whatever means necessary is used to soothe.  I found learning about dbt actually helped me see BPD more factual, less personal.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm never going to understand this sh#t.  No matter how much I try I can't wrap my brain around their way of thinking.  It just doesn't "compute."  Drama to soothe?  I know it's real though, just so complicated.

Just think of someone who's emotions are raw. Imagine riding a bike, falling off, and getting some road rash. The next day every time you touch it, it hurts and it's super sensitive; a borderline is like that emotionally full time, there is no volume knob, and there's nothing they can do about it. That's why some cut themselves, to feel a pain greater than their emotions and just have them shut up for a minute.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Yes! That is why it is all so difficult.

Some say things were good for us and never for them. Others say they idealize us and things are good for them but when devaluing starts that's when the relationship goes south.

I had the opportunity to see his calendar where he writes short journal notes everyday after he broke up and I went to get my things from his place alone. I had to look to see what was going on. Many insights into his mind. One that struck me is he had a notation right before both major discards of me. A couple days before each it said "iwalk not in it anymore." Which of course was completely false.

There are just so many mixed messages.

[Tincanmike]

This is a trend I think.  Things always seemed to be getting better, to me at least.  Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel financially and so on.  The latest and final episode was not too long after I had found out that I would be getting a new job.  Less hours, not so dangerous, more money, more self-esteem for me.  I had to dress up for work, go to nice restaurants for business, got a new company car, new cell phone, new laptop.  And lots of  travel.  At the same time we found out we had to move (as soon as possible) and she found out that her mother had cancer. 

Too much change, too quickly I suppose for her.  I think she felt overwhelmed emotionally.  That I might meet someone "better" than her, that I would leave her.  I asked if she felt jealous and she said no.  She said she was happy for me.  I thought we should be happy for "us".  In her eyes I was changing for the worse I guess.  I felt like I was taking a better step in life for us.  The other times she had left me for days at a time to stay with a friend, it always seemed that better times were right around the corner.  I guess she just wanted me to stay in a low paying, dangerous job for the rest of my life.  They don't seem to do "change" well.

[Tincup]

Tincanmike- I made the mistake of saying I got a raise and a bonus, then saying something about how expensive something was.  Within a day or two she broke up because I like money more than I like her. 

I was reading through OLD journals from many recycles ago.  We were meeting for coffee during and trying to figure out if we were going to try to get back together.  She said that she "never intended to break up with me but couldn't control it"

I just will never wrap my head around how when I felt my best about our relationship, she felt the worst about it.

[Tincanmike]

Tincanmike- I made the mistake of saying I got a raise and a bonus, then saying something about how expensive something was.  Within a day or two she broke up because I like money more than I like her. 

I was reading through OLD journals from many recycles ago.  We were meeting for coffee during and trying to figure out if we were going to try to get back together.  She said that she "never intended to break up with me but couldn't control it"

I just will never wrap my head around how when I felt my best about our relationship, she felt the worst about it.

Tincup - I made similar mistakes with the new job.  I picked up my new car on the road and sent her a picture of it. I sent her a picture of the nice meal I was having, while she sat at home alone.  I sent a picture of the nice hotel I was staying at.  I wanted to share these things with her, my excitement with the opportunities my new job provided.  I told her that when I got back, we could eat at nice restaurants, stay in nice hotels, go out more and do things together.  I own my mistakes and could have done things differently.

On a side note,  if I showed affection to our dogs, I loved them more than I loved her.  Similar to you liking money. They were "our" dogs. Just another example that I could never do enough or say the right things. She projected her self-image onto me and tried to make me feel inadequate as a husband, a lover, a friend, in my career. And no matter how many recycles, she will keep finding that no one out there can meet her needs. And she will devalue and discard again. Will she learn from this? Only with professional help.  (Sorry, I'm a little bitter today!)

[Iwalk-Heruns]

They don't seem to do "change" well.

I agree with this. I found this to be true in the relationship. The major irony is that leaving a person and a relationship that you have built your whole life around is the most change one can possibly have. I will never get the contradictions in this disorder. Ever! I think the contradictions are what makes it so hard for us to wrap our head around.

[arn131arn]

I remember after the last DV charge I could no longer become a nurse. She was still in nursing school and I was starting a new program in school.  Asked her "when I get out of school will u help pay for some bills around the house so I can focus more on my school?" her reply "why? So u can become successful and leave me for someone else?" i was astonished. But she always promised she would help out when done. Well, the graduation day came and she left me a week later. Sept of this year. On her fb pics of her graduation with a comment "I would like to thank all my family for helping me make this dream come true!" it was all pics of her immediate family except me. No comment thanking the guy who put a roof over her head, food on the table, lights, cable TV for those years. Not even a pic of us together that night. Her special night, and I had nothing to do with it. It's that lack of appreciation that questions my manhood. I have no nuts... .been chopped off!

Scary thing is she is in a profession where she CARES!

[nevertheless]

You are so right, I too have done that exact same thing. When things were good and calm I would think wow we are making progress. I would think we are finally seeing the light at the end of this long long long emotional draining journey. I would look for wedding dresses on line picture us growing old together.Then a flick of a switch, something so small ,he is mad,angry,and gone again. I am so blessed that I put off getting engaged,letting him move in. It's like you can put it on your calendar,what's going to happen and the longer I knew him the closer the cycles would come. It is so crazy making. I still try to think why did I stay so long, was it all the attention turning the good times, was it the thought of just more understanding and and stability would make him better? But now 3 weeks out , it is a terrible problem he is just a sad person that has been living this way for so long and for what ever reason chooses to stay this way. I know that he will find the next woman do the same thing and she will be on this site,feeling used. Reading everyone's postings has given me the strength not to go back,to realize, it's not much fault of not loving enough.   

[Turkish]

"I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" She tld me more than once. Along with what she wrote:

"Why do I think everybody cheats, why?" Along with:

"We had a good six year run!" (After two kids, a home), which says to me that she also thinks "everybody abandons."

I already knew that she thinks the one thing she tries to attach to is worthless and lets her down: Men, including now me.

How in the hell she thinks she can raise a healthy male child with those attitudes is beyond me.

[Ironmanrises]

That other side to the pwBPD is always just under the surface, even in the idealization/honeymoon phase. It shows itself via small outbursts/lashing out, out of no where. If you carefully think back to that time period or read old text messages, you can very well detect it. It doesn't fully come out until the pwBPD is triggered. That is how it was for me, even extending all the way back to friendship. A Janus-faced entity, forever smiling at the future and looking horrifically at the past.

[myself]

I think the contradictions are what makes it so hard for us to wrap our head around.

This says it about as well as can be said.

A Janus-faced entity, forever smiling at the future and looking horrifically at the past.

This is BPD. There is always the other side.

Smiling at the past (got away from it). Looking horrifically at the future.

[Tincup]

Ironmanfalls-I think you are right when you said it was just under the surface.  I can remember a month or two after we started dating I went somewhere with friends.  My phone died and I missed a series of text messages from her.  The next day I GOT BLASTED from her.  I remember thinking holy sh&t what was that... .

Nevertheless- Do you really mean you could mark the cycles on a calendar?  I say this because I think I really could.  my pwBPD would ALWAYS cycle in the Fall months (either late Sept or Oct).  It was so odd and I would really start to become tense once school started back up (she is a teacher).

[Changed4safety]

According to my therapist people, especially bipolar/borderlines, seem to have real issues around the equinoxes--ironically, times of balance.  My experience with my ex bears this out.  We know that SAD is real, it could be that people with bipolar or similar mood-swing disorders feel more comfortable even when nature is imbalanced/at extremes (when day or night are longer than one another.) 

[nevertheless]

Tincup, yes I would  he went from once a month to in the end every 2weeks Sunday to Sunday I once said when he was melting down I expected you to do this today it's been 2 weeks. That's one of the few times he snapped out of it to prove me wrong? Maybe I can't use lodgic with him there isn't any

[maxen]

"We had a good six year run!" (After two kids, a home), which says to me that she also thinks "everybody abandons."

i picked up enough hints that my w was as much or more into being attached as she was into me. during the hour she blew up my life she said "i always thought you would be the one to leave," as if leaving is a thing people do, and as if i, in particular, would ever leave. it's like she never knew me.

and i also wonder about the good times. the good times were very very good. but i had already done a few impatient things by then and i have to wonder if they were on her mind all the while. 'official' reasons she gave for bolting included events that had happened before we were even married and were the sorts of things i had spontaneously apologized for and had stopped doing 5 and 6 years ago.

[Tincup]

One of the reasons mine gave for the split happened BEFORE we actually met... I more I read and the more I type about what actually happened in my case, the more I can't believe I put up with this crap... I mean really if anyone else would of done this stuff to me I would not take it for a minute.

[Changingman]

That other side to the pwBPD is always just under the surface, even in the idealization/honeymoon phase. It shows itself via small outbursts/lashing out, out of no where. If you carefully think back to that time period or read old text messages, you can very well detect it. It doesn't fully come out until the pwBPD is triggered. That is how it was for me, even extending all the way back to friendship. A Janus-faced entity, forever smiling at the future and looking horrifically at the past.

I think this is wrong, there is only one side to BPD... .a dark passenger/Demon/hater/predator.

The other side I assume you refer to ( idealisation ) is fake/false/covering up/a lie.

May be wrong

[Changingman]

Oh! I think that's what you meant.

Excuse me

[Ironmanrises]

Changing,

The pwBPD is those 2 sides. The original side you first encounter and that other, godawful side that you encounter after intimacy triggers the pwBPD.

[Turkish]

Changing,

The pwBPD is those 2 sides. The original side you first encounter and that other, godawful side that you encounter after intimacy triggers the pwBPD.

I like your Janus analogy. Mine, however, was indeed Hermit, Waif, Queen, Witch. At the end of our r/s, I also witnessed Teen Mom, Abandoned Five Year Old Girl, her Father (Cheater, Abandoner, and Abuser),  Besotted Teen Lover to her paramour ("the night knows you will be mine" *ack* *gag*), and now almost back to externally functional Adult with BPD lurking in the background.

Its been rather fascinating to watch this cycle unfold, in a sick way, but I'm ready to jump into the lifeboat now, to watch the Titanic sail into the depths of coldness and darkness. Maybe her Robert Ballard will find her someday, the man I could not be for her, but that's no longer my concern, as much as my failure hurts right now. Maybe that was my fault, being an Icarus, when she needed a Ballard. My failure, and my shame.

[Changingman]

Just monsters, no love.

[charred]

That other side to the pwBPD is always just under the surface, even in the idealization/honeymoon phase. It shows itself via small outbursts/lashing out, out of no where. If you carefully think back to that time period or read old text messages, you can very well detect it. It doesn't fully come out until the pwBPD is triggered. That is how it was for me, even extending all the way back to friendship. A Janus-faced entity, forever smiling at the future and looking horrifically at the past.

I think this is wrong, there is only one side to BPD... . a dark passenger/Demon/hater/predator.

The other side I assume you refer to ( idealisation ) is fake/false/covering up/a lie.

May be wrong

In my experience you are right... the clinging persona is 1/2 true, the idealizer... total phony... . but the hater is 100% authentic.

[arn131arn]

That other side to the pwBPD is always just under the surface, even in the idealization/honeymoon phase. It shows itself via small outbursts/lashing out, out of no where. If you carefully think back to that time period or read old text messages, you can very well detect it. It doesn't fully come out until the pwBPD is triggered. That is how it was for me, even extending all the way back to friendship. A Janus-faced entity, forever smiling at the future and looking horrifically at the past.

I think this is wrong, there is only one side to BPD... . a dark passenger/Demon/hater/predator.

The other side I assume you refer to ( idealisation ) is fake/false/covering up/a lie.

May be wrong

In my experience you are right... the clinging persona is 1/2 true, the idealizer... total phony... . but the hater is 100% authentic.[/b][/u]

WOW! So right here.  I love it actually