How do I talk about BPD with her?

[RedRojo]

I've been with my dBPDw for 9 months, the last 3 we have been married.

I want to talk about BPD with her, to understand what she thinks about it, and to discuss whether she thinks she would benefit from getting treatment.  However I have no idea how to do this.

Without going into the detail of my intro post, our relationship has gone through the usual idealisation followed by devaluation stages, and she now has regular (3 times a week) bouts of rage.  Needless to say, I’m finding it extremely difficult to cope with.

A few weeks ago, we had a very unpleasant and upsetting argument (for both of us).  The next day (whilst she was still coming out of it), she told me that she had been diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  I’d not heard of it until then.  I read a small amount about it and asked her if she thought she had it.  She shrugged and said 'it's a label, they'll label you with anything'.  I didn’t press further as we were still recovering from the very ugly argument the night before.

Since then I have read more and more, and feel like I am starting to understand it in a bit more detail (this website has been a massive help).  I am much better already at coping with the things she says to me, and avoiding the worst of these moments.  We still have big arguments though, and she still has a huge amount control over my life, to the point that I am upset/unhappy the majority of the time.

We are now expecting our first child (neither of us have any previous children).  I am deeply concerned that she will respond to the child in the same way she does to me, or when something has upset her.  Whilst I am old enough to cope emotionally, a young child certainly won’t be.

I feel that the right thing to do is to discuss it with her.  I also think she should think about getting treatment, but I know this needs to be her decision.  But I have absolutely no idea how to bring it up with her.  I can almost guarantee that if I were to mention it, she would fly into rage, fail to recognise what I am saying, and will leave the room followed by giving me the silent treatment. 

I’ve thought whether I should mention it in the middle of a rage, as it will inevitably end up there anyway, so best to get it out when the damage is already there.  Or should I do it when she is calm and in a good mood – but knowing full well that it will escalate to rage instantly, in the hope that she will be willing to discuss once she has calmed down.

Can anyone give me any advice, or share a previus experience?  Is there a good time/way to discuss it with her?

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[RedRojo]

That's as much as I expected - I can't see how I can broach the topic without it resulting in an unsavoury argument.  I'll be interested to see if anyone else has thoughts or other suggestions... .

With regard to duck-taping to a chair - I completely understand your frustration, but I guess this is not an approved method   I completely agree with the not shouting thing though.  I am a very grounded and calm person, and have never argued with my previous girlfriends.  However I now find myself caught in the middle of slanging matches where despite all my better efforts, I can't help but raise my voice. 

This has only been on a couple of occasions though.  Usually I defend myself calmly until the ridiculousness of what I am hearing goes all out of proportion and I end up walking away in disbelief.  Unfortunately by this point I am feeling very very hurt.  What makes it worse is that moments later I'll hear her on the phone to a friend laughing and joking as though nothing had happened... .   whilst I'm there feeling like I've been run-over by a steam roller.

I guess I've got a hell of a lot to get used to

[an0ught]

Hello RedRojo,

good question and one where is no ready made answer. You have to navigate a minefield here. That is not to say you should not approach the topic and that is not to say that you will get on the other side without some mines blowing up. But if you are not moving all of them will blow up one by one... .

The good news: There is awareness on the other side. That is a big plus. There may be some denial etc. but at least you are not the one who has brought the topic on to the table the first time.

A first step is to take a non-judgmental stance. There is enough shame in the pwBPD to last for a lifetime so no need to add more to it.

  - Depending on how she related to the BPD label referring to her emotional regulation problem may be better - or totally off and causing a blowup... .

  - It would be important to know how much and what therapy experience she has. This can give you some indication on what skills she has acquired or at least has awareness.

With all the hormones in her body she is now likely to be more emotional and emotion regulation is overloaded. SET may be way to approach the topic

  S: Trying to help you where I can

  E: The pregnancy is hard on you. All the hormones in your body make it hard to keep a level head.

  T: You mentioned BPD in the past. With the child coming and all the hormonal changes it will be harder for you to regulate your emotions. I want to discuss what steps we can take to support you best.