In percentages, why did I stay? ... great insight

[dontknow2]

This was eye opening for me! I did a quick guess at the percentages for reasons I stay engaged in my relationship with BPDxh up to 100%. I thought you might like to do the same. So, I shared my results below. I apologize if something similar already exists on this board.

Why do I stay engaged with my ex and still want us to make it?

1) My Disordered Thoughts¹: 20%

2) Dad/Mom/FOO Issues: 10%

3) Give Love² to Ex: 10%

4) Family Unity: 20%

5) Financial: 20%

6) Receive Love² from Ex: 20%



¹ Avoiding Being Rejected/Alone, Obsession with Fixing My Ex or Fixing the Broken Relationship, Being Right, Preconceived Fantasies, etc.

² Defining Love using David Richo, Author of When Past is Present The 5 A's of Adult Love: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Allowing Us to Be Ourselves

NOTE: When trying to guess, my first thought is what I went with. Overanalyzing for a "correct" result doesn't really work.

Clarified Insight for Me from This Exercise

Clearly, my interest in giving love to him (love for him) is in serious question. Deep down, I know this will rise up as I flush out the other stuff.  

I am really proud of myself for getting 2. FOO Issues down to 10% - YAHOO! That took some serious crying/grieving for a long time. I suspect #2 can never reach 0% though per David Richo.

My emotional maturity needs work to be a long-term r/s in general. Yet, this is a great baseline. Whether it is my ex or someone else, I'll know of my readiness when 3. Love for Him and 6. Love for Me the highest percentages by far and are equal (and maybe #3 the highest once my self-love is secure; not sure if this thought is the caretaker me kicking in?).  

[clairedair]

Hi dontknow2,

interesting post.

I only have very low contact with exH in relation to our (nearly) grown children so on one level I am not engaged with him directly and have no desire for a reconciliation.  However, I would say that my thoughts are still engaged with him if that makes sense and whilst I haven't thought about percentages, I'd say the main issues for me are:

(4) family unity - I know I do best when there's no contact but I don't want my kids to have parents who have no communication at all and I try to listen to them when they talk about him.  This means that I often end up knowing more about his new life than I want to and that leads me a little towards (1) disordered thoughts

(6) Receive Love - probably what takes up most of my 'ruminating time' - the lack of closure and way he treated me latterly has meant that I've been more 'stuck' than I would like and so remain engaged with ex in the sense that I am trying to work out what happened when I know that I will never have the answers I need or have the respect & acceptance (love) from him that I seem to still need. 

It's good when we have insight - I'm not always so great at using them to make some changes... .

What will you do with this insight?

take care,

Claire

[dontknow2]

Hello clairedair,

Since no action is required in your case, it makes sense percentages wouldn't be relevant on this topic.

I am sorry your ex is not giving you the respect and acceptance you need, especially as the mother of his children. Mental illness can be horrible.

In regards to ex ruminations after the relationship, I found this to be true because my unconscious was knocking at my door... . trying to wake me up to something related to me not my ex.

My first focus area is reducing the impact of my disordered thoughts. I have started again 1) saying my mantra daily "I deserve the life that I want." and 2) catch my self put-downs and crystal ball coping thoughts; telling them "thank you but don't need you anymore".

I wish you a wonderful year and all the love you need.

[ucmeicu2]

dontknow2, interesting!  is there a link for this poll/exercise?

[dontknow2]

ucmeicu2,

No link. It just came to me as I was driving. My T used to ask me for percentages off the top of my head (i.e. percentage of truth that I am actually a failure)... . its like a grounding exercise. So, I thought it would be interesting on this topic even though the categories can vary.

P.S. it took me sounding out your tag to get it . sometimes my brain is going so fast that with easy stuff, it goes 'duh'  I like your tag

[ucmeicu2]

ucmeicu2,

No link. It just came to me as I was driving. My T used to ask me for percentages off the top of my head (i.e. percentage of truth that I am actually a failure)... . its like a grounding exercise. So, I thought it would be interesting on this topic even though the categories can vary.

P.S. it took me sounding out your tag to get it . sometimes my brain is going so fast that with easy stuff, it goes 'duh'  I like your tag

how clever of you... .   maybe someday you will make it a Poll here.  ya never know.

and, glad my user name gave your brain a workout.  sometimes i wonder what it sounds-out like initially, b4 someone realizes it's you see me i see you too?  uk-mee-ick-yu-tu?  hehe