2014: Investing in Me. Where do I begin?

[karma_gal]

So I'm not sure if this is the right section for this post, but because it's the only "blocked" section I see and my H has recently produced printouts of another forum I posted on, this feels like a safe place for me to post and get some feedback.  Skip, if it doesn't belong here, shoot me a PM; I may just have you delete it.  Right now, I just need to brain dump and see where it leads me.

So I have posted on this site that I'm almost certain that my H is BPD.  His behaviors have gotten worse in recent years, and my interest in developing any further coping skills is at an all-time low.  I really feel like I've made all the concessions I'm willing to make in this relationship.  Because of that, I see 2014 as the year that my marriage will end.

I have also mentioned in another section on this site that I believe my mother to be BPD.  Therapists throughout the years have suggested as much. 

So I have had a double dose, which is more than enough for me to know that I've had it with the destruction of BPD.

So with my mom, she spent years as I was a child making sure to alienate every family member that we had.  Because of that, I have not seen or heard from most of my family in over 20 years.  We have a lot of our deaths in our family, though, so we all usually run into each other about once a year or every other year, and that's the extent of family.  I am estranged from my own immediate family because my relationship with my mother was so incredibly toxic that I couldn't find any safe way for it to continue, even with low contact. 

My H has accomplished nearly the same thing, cutting me off from anyone and everyone that I called a friend or acquaintance.  He would always act up or act out and no one wanted to be around him, and by extension me.  If I did go off without him, he would blow up my phone with calls and texts and it just turned everyone, including me, off.  It wasn't worth the "punishment" to try and have a life.  The friends I have left are all out of state. 

So here I am today, pondering 2014 and what I want it to bring for me.  In all respects, I am alone, no family, no friends, and anticipate shortly no husband.  In some ways this is liberating; in so many more it's the scariest thing I've ever had to confront. 

I intend to spend tomorrow reading some articles here, creating a vision board, and spending some time sitting with all of the stuff in my head.  I am going to make an outline of all the areas of MY life that need dealt with and not spend a moment focused on my H or his issues and our marriage that is in shambles.  Investing in his issues has gotten me nowhere; so I'm going to try to focus on me and mine for a while, instead. 

I have awesome friends, but they all live far away, in other states.  We speak weekly, if not daily, via phone, text, and e-mail, but it's not the same as having a local system of support.  So that's my first goal for 2014, to get a life again and begin making friends.  To that end I have signed up for two meetup groups and am attending a spa night with about 63 other ladies next week.  I cannot wait.  I have also signed up with two organizations to volunteer my time.  I used to volunteer in the past but got away from it in recent years.  I remember how blessed it made me feel to give of myself so I'm going to try it again. 

Someone here mentioned Al-Anon meetings, and I think I will attend a few of those to see if it's a good fit.  I also intend to restart weekly therapy.  I need to tackle my codependency issues.  I think my marriage has lasted this long simply because my H's behavior was so similar to my mother's that it felt normal to me.  I want this to be the year I truly find and figure out what normal and healthy are supposed to mean and look like. 

For those of you have been able to rebuild and regroup and take care of you, what else have you done?  What am I missing? 

[Turkish]

What you said at the end... .my Ex's behaviors were similar to my mother's to an extent, right down to the depression. The funny thing is that I moved out of my mom's house the day I turned 18, a long time ago... .why did I stay so long and orm a family with a disordered individual?

As for compter stalking, how is he finding you? Are you erasing your browser history?

[seeking balance]

For those of you have been able to rebuild and regroup and take care of you, what else have you done?  What am I missing? 

I recently watched a great TED video from a 13 year old - www.youtube.com/watch?v=h11u3vtcpaY

In it, he talks about the 8 things necessary to be happy that he read from Walsh.  Quite enlightening - nothing like a kid to make us really think.

They are: 

Exercise

Diet and nutrition

Time in nature

Contribution and service

Relationships

Recreation

Relaxation and stress management

Religious and spiritual

For me, I focused on being ok with me - all around.  Physically fit, Healthy, spiritually connected, good friends, contentment.  Pretty close to his list actually.  Yoga and beach walks were huge in my search for "me".

You have a good start for 2014 - be patient and kind with yourself... .it didn't get to this place overnight and it doesn't quite balance out over night 

Peace,

SB

[karma_gal]

What you said at the end... .my Ex's behaviors were similar to my mother's to an extent, right down to the depression. The funny thing is that I moved out of my mom's house the day I turned 18, a long time ago... .why did I stay so long and orm a family with a disordered individual?

As for compter stalking, how is he finding you? Are you erasing your browser history?

Right now we still live together.  I work primarily from a home office and the rule since I started has been that no one is to touch my work computer.  I often do work for the FBI, Veterans Administration, and other governmental agencies and so security is a huge issue because my computer contains tons of personal information on lots of people.  I have my computer to automatically shut off after I do nothing for two minutes, in case I run downstairs and forget, or if a neighbor comes to the door and I get tied up.  The only way around this automatic shutoff is to move the mouse or do something on the computer to keep it alive, so to speak.  

What I'm guessing happened is that the other night I was in here working and my neck was causing me so much pain that I decided to take a hot bath.  I was so miserable in pain that I didn't think of locking my computer and was just going to let it lock on its own.  What I'm guessing happened is he waited for me to go into the bathroom and shut the door, came in and pulled up my history.  I typically don't erase it on my work computer because I'm the only one -- supposedly -- with access to it and I hadn't seen any reason to automatically clear my browser before.  Now, it does clear every night when I shut down, but until then keeps track of everything.  

I think this because it was the very next day after I posted that he started an argument and confronted me with my posts.  I asked him how he found that and he told me he was Googling and just came across it.  The post was about a situation that had just occurred that I was seeking advice about, and was very detailed, so I can totally see how he identified me even by a screen name.  I asked him to see his phone because I wanted proof that he was just searching and stumbled on it.  He refused to give it to me, so I pulled the router logs and his browsing history from his iPhone.  He had not done any search that would have led him to that forum to find my posts.  I can only surmise, then, that he was nosing around the history on my computer and went from there.  Ironically, the only printer we have in the house is in my home office, so I'm guessing he found the posts and hurried up and printed them out while I was in the bath that night.    

[Cumulus]

Happy 2014 karma gal. I truly hope it is the year of you, a year filled with self discovery, joy, love of self and finding satisfaction in what you do and what ever decisions you make.  When I started out on my journey of self what I found most helpful was the advice to take changes in small bites. In other words to look at just one change I wanted to make, to make it and be comfortable with that new change before trying anything else. Let me know what works for you. All the best.

                                 

[heartandwhole]

karma_gal,

I think you have a great plan for the New Year   

Focusing on yourself is key, imo.  I've found it a much richer, deeper, and more difficult journey that I anticipated. It sounds like among the plans for meeting new people you will carve out some alone time – I think it's so important.  I'm still discovering who I am now and what brings me peace and joy.  Sometimes it feels like a full-time job!

All the best in 2014, karma_gal !   

[dontknow2]

karma_gal,

I wish you well on your journey focused on you! It's a beautiful place to be. Watch for distractions and being sidetracked once you start... . they come out of the woodwork!

Recommended add-ons:

1) BPD Family Support Group - a local nami.org chapter may have them in your area. This has been once of the best things Ive done!

2) Creative hobby for solo time. Crafts, workshop, art, music, etc...

Wish you a great new year!   

[optimistic]

As to your question about what you may be missing ... . Is your personal financial situation ok if/when you go through with the split? After my BPD ex ruined my credit rating and nearly ran us into bankruptcy, I needed  to really focus on rebuilding my financial security and independence. Now nearly 7 years later, I am doing great but it surely took some serious planning and hard work.  Just something to consider!

[karma_gal]

As to your question about what you may be missing ... . Is your personal financial situation ok if/when you go through with the split? After my BPD ex ruined my credit rating and nearly ran us into bankruptcy, I needed  to really focus on rebuilding my financial security and independence. Now nearly 7 years later, I am doing great but it surely took some serious planning and hard work.  Just something to consider!

I need to get on my computer and post properly but Internet is down due to storm so stuck with phone right now.

This caught me eye because of the financial element because it is a huge focus of mine for this year. I make a pretty good living as a freelancer and have for a while so I feel like I could work it out. My big goal for the year though is to stabilize my finances by getting at least a part time job with a stable paycheck or getting on entry level with a hospital full time or even our college so that I can stabilize my finances while also being able to take advantage of tuition reimbursement to finish my degree I abandoned years ago. My house - that my parents financed so it stays with me - is cheap an big enough that I will probably look into getting a roommate if needed.

I am exploring all of my options in this regard because prior to my H I was doing well financially. Now he does whatever he can to keep us broke and me working. Financial stability is huge to me so I am trying to get that worked out before pulling the trigger. At the dry least because of his spending issues I have learned not to be afraid of working my tail off. If nothing else I could keep a couple of my current clients and make pretty good money just doing it evenings and weekends

Were you already established in a career or were you essentially starting over from the beginning financially? I haven't had a "real" job in a decade so this keeps me up often at night.