Deal with the devil?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi just started here, but ready to heal, detach and fix my brokeness of codependency and rescuer mentality! I have just learned of BPD and this has answered so many questions and will help with closure! After writing a closure letter, albeit with undertones of working things out, my exupwBPD (is that right?) ex undiagnosed person with? I have gotten the silent treatment like I'm dead! I'm still on her family phone plan, three months next week. I have asked to be taking off to cut all ties so I may heal from her lack of respect from not responding to me at all! Nothing! Earlier this week I called our provider to call her and ask to let me out of the service. My contact is expired so she, the owner of the account must release me! Could never understand why she kept me on, even paying my share until an couple of weeks ago I texted her that I would contribute and did! No response!  Is this a strange tactic by pwBPD?

It is hard to come to terms with all of this but i at least feel I have answers now. Picture becoming clearer! I can't help but feel like I unwittingly made a deal with the devil! The person I fell in love with doesn't really exist, but is only a projection of my greatest needs and desires? Only to be whisked away in a heart and mind destroying manner! Sounds to much like a siren or succubus I understand it wasn't necessarily her fault, I have more compassion for her than anger! But damn if processing this is not painful! I know it will only help me to heal my brokeness by it being brought to the surface and that is a good thing!

My question is how to heal those parts in me I have been conscious of in the past? I thought this time I was very careful, but realize I ignored a lot of signs! The idealization was too powerful!

Also I know this still pertains to the fixer mentality,  but is it wrong to address the concept of BPD to her sister who has a masters in the behavioral health field?  She has her concerns for my ex, but doesn't know the  true depth, for my ex is a master at hiding her pain! I know my ex understands she is ill, maybe knowledge of BPD to her foo could get the ball rolling to help?

[Rebuilding me]

Hi just started here, but ready to heal, detach and fix my brokeness of codependency and rescuer mentality! I have just learned of BPD and this has answered so many questions and will help with closure! After writing a closure letter, albeit with undertones of working things out, my exupwBPD (is that right?) ex undiagnosed person with? I have gotten the silent treatment like I'm dead! I'm still on her family phone plan, three months next week. I have asked to be taking off to cut all ties so I may heal from her lack of respect from not responding to me at all! Nothing! Earlier this week I called our provider to call her and ask to let me out of the service. My contact is expired so she, the owner of the account must release me! Could never understand why she kept me on, even paying my share until an couple of weeks ago I texted her that I would contribute and did! No response!  Is this a strange tactic by pwBPD?

It is hard to come to terms with all of this but i at least feel I have answers now. Picture becoming clearer! I can't help but feel like I unwittingly made a deal with the devil! The person I fell in love with doesn't really exist, but is only a projection of my greatest needs and desires? Only to be whisked away in a heart and mind destroying manner! Sounds to much like a siren or succubus I understand it wasn't necessarily her fault, I have more compassion for her than anger! But damn if processing this is not painful! I know it will only help me to heal my brokeness by it being brought to the surface and that is a good thing!

My question is how to heal those parts in me I have been conscious of in the past? I thought this time I was very careful, but realize I ignored a lot of signs! The idealization was too powerful!

Also I know this still pertains to the fixer mentality,  but is it wrong to address the concept of BPD to her sister who has a masters in the behavioral health field?  She has her concerns for my ex, but doesn't know the  true depth, for my ex is a master at hiding her pain! I know my ex understands she is ill, maybe knowledge of BPD to her foo could get the ball rolling to help?

[delusionalxox]

Hi Rebuilding

your concern for your ex is really a credit to you BUT do you not think that to really cut your 'fixer' ties to your ex you need to step back entirely? Contacting her sister might seem a 'good' thing to do but still keeps you connected to trying to help her. And you don't need that. She's totally refused help (and closure... . typical). Help yourself instead. Easier said that done, we are all struggling with it.

[seeking balance]

  Rebuilding,

I read your opening post, your story is similar to many here and you are already ahead of the game in accepting your part and ready to work on what you can - you 

My question is how to heal those parts in me I have been conscious of in the past? I thought this time I was very careful, but realize I ignored a lot of signs! The idealization was too powerful!

Also I know this still pertains to the fixer mentality,  but is it wrong to address the concept of BPD to her sister who has a masters in the behavioral health field?  She has her concerns for my ex, but doesn't know the  true depth, for my ex is a master at hiding her pain! I know my ex understands she is ill, maybe knowledge of BPD to her foo could get the ball rolling to help?

Do you have a T currently?

[bewildered2]

my friend... . and apologies for being too familiar... . but you are obviously a very bright person... . and you understand the principles of BPD all too well... . so we can dispense with the normal platitudes... . so here goes.

you are wasting your time trying to educate her or her family about her problem... .

the problem is deep and not easily dealt with.

you problem can be solved.

focus on you, not her.

repeat, focus on you, not her.

focus on something that can change to improve your life, you.

you will not change her. and, sadly, she is extremely unlikely to change without a lot of effort which must be expended by her.

sadly, if she has BPD. that's the way it is.

keep  posting as we are here to help.

let her and her family deal with her... .

b2


       

[myself]

They're not the devil, they're disordered.

my ex is a master at hiding her pain!

Did you know this before you got in too deep? If not, don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best at the time, and can do your best now. Stay focused on healing from your pain, not hiding from it. Use your fixing abilities on yourself!

[fromheeltoheal]

Brokeness!  Great word.

Hi Rebuilding-

I read some of your recent posts, and I'm not totally clear on how long ago the relationship ended and how much you are still communicating with her, but anyway.  If she is indeed borderline of exhibits significant traits, you were in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness, and if it hasn't been very long, you might chill for a while before digging in too deep on your own rescuing tendencies; seeking is right though, you're ahead of the game.

Borderlines have a knack of busting your boundaries early, having you open up and express vulnerability, which you're more than willing to do because the idealizaion stage is intoxicating, and then all that info could be used against you later as a means to control you, and if you buy into it, which everyone here did, you might find your self esteem and self confidence are trashed and you're not feeling so great about yourself.  Plus, BPD goes through cycles, and in the devaluation stage, the ugly one before you broke up, things can get especially mean and hurtful, to the point you may take responsibility for everything, consider yourself a failure, just trying to get back to that loving beginning, and even kick the rescuing into high gear trying to 'fix' it, with even more meanness and discard from her, a crappy place to be.  A lot of that will resolve just by removing her from your life, if you've done that already you may be feeling a huge sense of relief, and as the emotions wane and little and you get your feet on the ground, you can start to look more objectively at what happened and why; sounds like you already have an understanding of the disorder, which will help.

I look at it like this: a borderline typically comes on very strong and fast, mine certainly did, where within 3 months she was talking about marriage, and really we barely knew each other (it was a long distance relationship).  Emotionally healthy people wouldn't buy that crap, bottom line.  Someone who moves too fast and barges through boundaries like that sets off all kinds of red flags, since it's so inappropriate and based on fantasy, and someone with a healthy head on their shoulders would just walk away, avoiding the creepy.  I, however, was very lonely and susceptible when she showed up, it seemed too easy even in the beginning, but I was enjoying the hell out of the buzz and ignored it.  Plus, there's a line between caring about someone and rescuing, they're on a continuum, and it's up to us to decide how far we go, within the dynamic of the relationship; there's nothing wrong with caring about someone, it's just when it goes to the unhealthy extreme of rescuing that there's a problem.

Anyway, now I'm wordy.  Welcome, and take care of you!

[Rebuilding me]

I did not know her adeptness at hiding her pain! She was like an open book! I too have I guess "magical" thinking! Fate, destiny, love! I want a family so desperately because of my own broken one! I understand how that is not healthy, but I believed I had waited patiently for so long, that when I found my ex and her responses to me I truly believed I had finally found the woman I have been waiting for! I have had 3 major relationships in my life at 33, and realize I have no idea what a real relationship looks like! All former ex shaving BPD I am now convinced and me wanted to solve all there core problems! Man is that a sick recipe! It will be three months next week from the break! Three weeks from the break I texted her I was sending her a letter I hoped she would read! I got the best response I could hope for! Her thanking me for letting her know and hoping I was doing alright! The letter was me explaining what I felt happened! I think my insights gave me a really objectable reality! I did not know of BPD than, but I hit on all the core issues of opening wounds etc!i told the ways I loved her because she would always say list a million reasons why! Which hurt because I didn't know how to answer that in a moment and could tell how badly she wanted and needed my love!

I spoke of how I thought she was running from her core trauma pains in her life and that our love exposed both of ours, but that is good for we can now heal together as meant to be with supporting and loving relationships! I think I hit the nail on the head, thus no response! In the last two months I have texted a few sparingly times asking if she got the letter and even I check I sent her for money I owed! Saw she deposited it no response! I wished her merry Christmas and sent a card! No response! This all before I knew of BPD!  Finally I texted her to get out of the phone plan!

[fromheeltoheal]

So what are you looking for with continued communication attempts Rebuilding?

[Rebuilding me]

I was looking for reconciliation because I realized how much I had shut down and how I blamed her! Which she did! I realize I projected onto her my need to be with someone who understood the importance of dealing with core problems! I have been always of the mindset to face yourself to heal! Her mirroring I guess was how she wrote to me, we were in a ldr for a year after being together 5 months first! She said " not only are my walls down but they are completly gone! I can't imagine life without sharing every hurt pain joy etc with you! You have opened me up to who I was always supposed to be, and changed me in such a short time I can't wait to see what that means for our future! I will no longer hide but share myself openly! I couldn't of asked for a better response! That's why all of this is so sickening!

I didn't know about BPD when I was writing the closing/ reconciliation letters, Christmas cards etc! I just thought maybe she needed time to heal, space to think! When months past with no response I was completely shocked! I for sure thought I would hear from her! That is how I found about BPD and eventually this site! I was trying to make sense of her behavior! Now all I want after I have done all to get her out of my head, erase fb, texts, pics, phone #s etc! Is to get off her phone plan so I can move on and have no ties to her! She won't respond but I am on her plan? Next week the billing cycle restarts! I will see what she does!

[Rebuilding me]

Im moved I be with her and lived with her for a year! But I had been split by than! Things never were the same

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, I get it, and it sounds that once you deal with this phone thing you will be completely no contact with her, which is a good tool to use as you process and heal from the relationship.  You will probably notice that although she's gone the issues remain, and that's where the work starts, great work because you will be healthier and more evolved when you're through it.  Take care of you!