I'm so worried about him...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDbf is in a bad way and I'm worried about what will happen to him. 

He knows I'm moving away because I told him, though I've not actually said our relationship is over.  I'm waiting on a moving date for my new place, which should be in the next two weeks.  I had to tell him or lie to him and I'm no good at that, so now he knows and he's been in an terrible state since.  He has been drinking heavily for weeks anyway, but its become worse.  He was supposed to be working in a pub (unbelievably) but tonight when passing by with my dogs the barmaid asked me if I'd seen him because he'd not shown up for work, in fact only done one shift so far... .

I had a friend here over the weekend (my first visitor here) and last night we went out for a bit.  He somehow ended up in the same place as us, which was awkward, and came and sat with us.  He looked awful, pale and puffy, his eyes doing that flicking up and down thing they do when he's drunk and having an episode.  We left as soon as we could and went home.  Later he texted saying he is sad and lost and doesn't want me to leave and that he will always love me. 

He really is in a mess.  I am definitely leaving though and nothing will change that, but I feel so awful and worried about him and the pain of losing him is almost unbearable.  I'm lonely, been alone for months really, and so wish I could just fall into his arms and everything would be ok, the way it was, but I know it would only be temporary.  I can't stop crying... . and feel my grasp on reality slipping sometimes. 

[janey62]

My uBPDbf is in a bad way and I'm worried about what will happen to him. 

He knows I'm moving away because I told him, though I've not actually said our relationship is over.  I'm waiting on a moving date for my new place, which should be in the next two weeks.  I had to tell him or lie to him and I'm no good at that, so now he knows and he's been in an terrible state since.  He has been drinking heavily for weeks anyway, but its become worse.  He was supposed to be working in a pub (unbelievably) but tonight when passing by with my dogs the barmaid asked me if I'd seen him because he'd not shown up for work, in fact only done one shift so far... .

I had a friend here over the weekend (my first visitor here) and last night we went out for a bit.  He somehow ended up in the same place as us, which was awkward, and came and sat with us.  He looked awful, pale and puffy, his eyes doing that flicking up and down thing they do when he's drunk and having an episode.  We left as soon as we could and went home.  Later he texted saying he is sad and lost and doesn't want me to leave and that he will always love me. 

He really is in a mess.  I am definitely leaving though and nothing will change that, but I feel so awful and worried about him and the pain of losing him is almost unbearable.  I'm lonely, been alone for months really, and so wish I could just fall into his arms and everything would be ok, the way it was, but I know it would only be temporary.  I can't stop crying... . and feel my grasp on reality slipping sometimes. 

[santa]

He'll be ok. BPD are survivors. He'll be guilt tripping someone else and driving them crazy in no time. Worry about you.

[Soulsisters]

Don't spend too much time worrying about him,

He won't stay that way for much longer, then worry about you.  Because once he knows you are never coming back, he will be strong and ruthless.  That is not fun.

Really please just worry about you

[janey62]

I know you're right Santa, and I am worried about me, very.  I've been feeling so low and anxious.

I think once I am in my new place and new job I can start to heal.  I will cut off all contact with him then and be glad of a new beginning without the craziness that is this relationship.

Until then I'm stuck here and trying to occupy myself without spending any money!  Thank god for my dogs and friends on fb and here!

His patheticness taps into my fears for his safety. My uBPD mother killer herself shortly after we had a fight and I left... . It haunts me and my nerves are shredded as he piles on the pressure, but won't stop me from leaving.

[RecycledNoMore]

Im so sorry you are hurting janey its a beautiful, admirable quality you have, but I have to agree, pwBPD are survivors, my sister a nures practioner recently said something that resonated with me due to hers/ my experiences, " if there was a world war tomorrow, cockroaces, politicians and people with BPD would be the only survivors"

Its true, self preservation at any cost is a big motivator for them.

Try and apply your wonderful sense of empathy to you... .

[janey62]

That made me smile!

And thank you for your kind words recycled... .  

I'm getting there.

[LilMissSunshine]

His patheticness taps into my fears for his safety. My uBPD mother killer herself shortly after we had a fight and I left... . It haunts me and my nerves are shredded as he piles on the pressure, but won't stop me from leaving.

hit_  hit_ janey... . hit__.  Close your eyes, concentrate deeply and feel this hug I'm giving you and please cry on my shoulder for as long as you need   hit__.  

[Perfidy]

You were telling me about beginning your detachment Janey. Stick to your guns. Keep talking.

I remember you said that you weren't looking forward to it and that you knew it would hurt. You have been preparing yourself and are following through admirably. Your reply to my thread was one that stands out at me. Thank you for supporting me. I know how hard this is and I'm here to support you too. We all are. We all get through this and learn from one another by sharing. It is an amazing resource. I know from what you told me that you have strength and know what to expect. So far has it been what you expected?

[janey62]

Thank you for the   LilMiss, it was so appreciated... .

I am strong Perfidy and I know I've been incredibly patient with him, and am glad to learn from reading here that I've naturally done a lot of the right things and not many of the wrong in my reactions to him.  I've not argued or JADED as its called and presented him with validation and support a lot of the time.

I now know I'm doing what is right for me and that he has to look after himself.

I just have this other thing.  I don't know if you, or anyone else recognises it?  I feel as if there is a shadow lurking around me, inside me , in my head.  A very dark and cold shadow... .   Its the feeling alone and lonely and how crushing that is, and a feeling that its what I am, what I deserve, that I'm a non person, out in the cold.  I used to have it a lot more and think it might be depression, the kind that lurks and is never quite gone.

To answer your question, I think its been what I expected, but with this something else, this dark feeling of despair and exhaustion that I've not felt before.  Of course it comes in waves and I'm good at distracting myself.  I had a friend visit me this weekend and it was great to see her, but when she left it was as if the dark feeling was doubled! 

Perhaps what I'm getting here then is the facing up to myself part (she said trying to rationalise the hell out of this ugly dark feeling).  There is fear in here too, good old fashioned gut wrenching fear.

I've spent 4 months living here in a small but vibrant community and have made friends and had support from all sorts of people.  I like it here, it's by the sea and surrounded by countryside and towns and villages.  The locals are lovely and warm and its really helped me.  Also there have been bursts of being with him and feeling loved and in his crazy adventure world of going places and staying in hotels and exploring.  Now I'm doing something I've not done before, ever, and that is moving somewhere completely on my own and starting again.  I've never done that and it is scary!  Its quite an isolated spot, out on a moor which is 364 square miles and not very populated.  I've got a job there too so will be with people all day,  phew!

I have already met one person who lives and works where I'm moving to and she was friendly and encouraging.  It seems that even out there on the moor there is community spirit  I'm sure it will be great.  There's a biggish town not far away and I've decided to join their amateur dramatics group and defy the rule of a lifetime (that is that I Do Not perform!   ) 

Big alone adventure and facing myself too!  No wonder I'm scared     The big thing is for me, for all of us here... . we must not give in to the darkness!  Ever! Do what you have to do not to give in or it will swallow you up.  That's it.

I hope you're feeling ok and a bit better Perfidy!  I know you were struggling.

xxx Janey

[Perfidy]

Thank you Janey, I feel pretty good most of the time. I still ruminate some and I know it is directly related to PTSD. I'm very familiar with the crushing darkness. I know what that is and I face it daily. I have been able to fend it off for months now. Gratitude has been my biggest shield from it. I cried every day for almost three months. I haven't cried now for almost six. I know how life sucking that darkness is. It does go away and things that you can do to help it go away are easy but must be consistent. Good rest, good nutrition, drink lots of water, exercise, move your body around. If you use alcohol use it carefully and moderately. Make your gratitude list daily. Date if you can, I did, it certainly helped. Meditation, mindfulness, let yourself experience just being. Counseling/ therapy, I refused the antidepressants. Wanted to have the full effect. Hard to find quality suffering, but I lived with insanity for years. What did I expect?

[janey62]

A good list Perfidy.  The gratitude list is very useful and something I teach my clients to do when they're giving up substances... . perhaps I need to physically write it down.  Its funny how you end up teaching the thing you need to learn.

Earlier today I went to see GP and he gave me some Beta Blockers because I've been getting a lot of palpitations and chest pains at night.  I get stressed by tiny noises, especially since drunk bf let himself in one night when I'd already almost gone to sleep and shocked me. 

I told him I was switching off my phone, but then I know from experience that I will have to switch it on again at some point and see his great long list of abusive texts.  So I came up with a plan.  I've got bad eyesight, blurry, its the age thing.  I can see very well with reading glasses.  So when I put phone back on I took off my glasses so I couldn't see the first paragraph and hit edit.  I deleted them all while they were blurry!  Yay!  I feel a bit weird about it now, and the funny thing is I feel a little bit like, what if he was saying he loved me and wanted to make it all alright?  I know this is insane troll logic!  Even if he did say that which he often does, doesn't mean it will come to pass in any solid way... .

So feel ok ish now.  At least I will go  to bed without the nightly heart trying to burst out feelings.

Will start working through your list... .

Janey xx