They are sometimes right, I feel selfish

[Hannibal Heyes]

I wrote my story a couple of weeks ago. I had a 9 month rollercoaster ride, both good and bad with a troubled man. Only in the midst of the friendship I told him about my feelings of love for him. He told me to let him heal first (drugabuse, prostitution).

In November I had to find out, he was with someone else (I told in the other story how I found out), at first he wanted to safe our friendship, but all of a sudden it changed, and he said that I used him and wished me the best.

I now learnt, that he is abroad in a special clinic for drugs (but I read they also deal with disorders), and my initial reaction was, now he is gone foregood, instead of he is getting help and maybe he can be a father to his children again. I guess the current boyfriend has helped him, and I thank him for that, but I feel wasted, I was there in the hard times, I could have helped him there too, in my mind.


Do you think he will get better if he stays there and is committed. Will he think back about what we shared. He has made ammends towards old friends, but has kept me blocked from his life. I would have guessed if he was on the recovery, he would be able to deal with me again. I really not sure what I am asking here. I should be happy for him. Maybe I was selfish...

[Tolou]

Hannibal... .

Caring about your health and sanity is not selfish.  It is obvious fromy you say that this person is someone who has troubles in their life past and present that they are trying to deal with.  Unfortunately we have no control of what other people choose to do or how they choose to behave.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is learn and grow from the experience.  If he does reach a place where he can return to you and discuss the past in a rational matter, I guess that can be good and bad.  Because sometimes we may think someone has changed, but that is the same person sometimes that we had enough of, it is just that they are stable at the moment and non of their triggers are being alarmed.

It is hard situation when you care about someone to lose them or watch them go through something that you really can not help them with.  If you do want this person to return to you, all you can do is wait and see what happens.  It seems like he has a lot of work to do, and when he can take responsibility for his actions and acknowledge them, maybe then you never know?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hannibal,

It sounds like you are feeling some longing for your ex, which is perfectly understandable.  It is so hard to be left, especially when we feel confused about why.  I have been there, too.   

Do you think he will get better if he stays there and is committed. Will he think back about what we shared. He has made ammends towards old friends, but has kept me blocked from his life. I would have guessed if he was on the recovery, he would be able to deal with me again. I really not sure what I am asking here. I should be happy for him. Maybe I was selfish...

These are questions that many of us had, and although no one can answer them, they are part of the process of grieving the loss.  It's very normal to internalize the pain and to start thinking that maybe you were selfish, even though you weren't.  And you don't have to feel happy for him.  Just feel what you feel, there is no "should."

At any rate, now is the time be self-centered, Hannibal!  When you are ready, you will need to focus on yourself and no one else.   We're here listening and cheering you on. 

[Hannibal Heyes]

Dear Tolou and heartandwhole,

Thank you very much for your responses. I do still have longings for him. I felt that I could deal well with the disorder and the troubles in his life. Without excusing him, he had a a very difficult past, coming out as gay (nationwide), leaving his kids, going to the dangerous drug and gayscene, prostitution. I felt my 'more boring life made a difference too him, and in a way it did. And he has done a lot for me too, I was never open about being gay, but with it him it was so normal to be myself. When he raged or got silenced, I understood him, I didn't accept it, but I saw it as part of the disorder and the drugs. I never understood why he called me one night and cried, and said that he was afraid to fall in love with me, because he was afraid of getting hurt.

I sometimes wonder if I got too close and that his current relation maybe was used as an escape. I am sincerely happy that he has gotten the help to make something of his life, and that's why I don;t understand he broke contact. I understand it from a point of view from the current relationship. I sometimes felt he just flipped a coin between us.

I have to be honest, I loved the part where I could console him or take care of him, and that makes me feel a bit selfish. I always felt, the saying; people who stick by you at your worst, deserve to be with you at your best. There's a chance that he will publish a book, and all sorts of people will jump on his bandwagon. I feel left out, where were they, when he was at his worst, and now I feel empty, because he ignores me totaly.

I know we share the same pain, but each story here is unique. It is hard to let go. I just want to know if there is a chance he will get better and look back at us, but no one knows that answer except for him... Thanks for listening.

[Tolou]

H.H. It does sound like he did have some positive impacton your life interms of being open with your sexuality and those are the things you should focus on, not the bad, life is tooshort to think about, couldve shouldve of or wouldve.  There are too many beautiful people in the world for you to spend too much time wondering what could have been with this person, there are many reason at play at why it didn't work, and if he did come back, who is to say that the cycle wil not repeat itself all over again and then where would be? Imagine the cycle just taking longer because who know when where and how long it will take to be triggered.  It is important for you stop thinking that you were selfish, because it simply is not true.  And if it is, it's okay, no one is perfect, we learn from these relationships and carry that much more knowlegdge into the next.  I don't know if you believe in God, butif you, know that he brought this person into your life when he did for a reason, learn from it.  So what he is writing a book? So can you, it doesn't change who he is, and those on the bandwagon lets see how long they stay, but I wouldnt focus I any of that.  You were there threw the tuff times as you say, that should be enough for you know, you cared and your love was real, and he CHOSE! disorder or not, to walk away from that, they create the very abandonment they fear sometimes.  And it is difficult, they call it borderline because there can be so many other co-morbid disorders involved with it. Work on yourself more and your needs. talk to rational people, exercise, do things you want to do, we need to fill emtpy voids ourselves, we can not depend on someone else to that, that is our responsiblity.

[Hannibal Heyes]

He did certaintly had some positive effects in my life. And I do believe in God, I sometimes find it cruel, that he was brought into my life, such a a beautiful soul, only ot have him taken away from me.

Do you think they will be able to help him in this place? It's unfair maybe to aks these questions, he made his choice and it wasn;t for me, but perhaps he did choose for himslef and he will get better there...

[santa]

You have to be a little bit selfish.

They certainly are.

If you don't act selfish, you will completely disappear into their stuff and forget about yourself entirely.

It's kind of like fighting fire with fire.

They are the most selfish people on Earth. If you aren't a little selfish, then there is no you.

[Waifed]

I wrote my story a couple of weeks ago. I had a 9 month rollercoaster ride, both good and bad with a troubled man. Only in the midst of the friendship I told him about my feelings of love for him. He told me to let him heal first (drugabuse, prostitution).

In November I had to find out, he was with someone else (I told in the other story how I found out), at first he wanted to safe our friendship, but all of a sudden it changed, and he said that I used him and wished me the best.

I now learnt, that he is abroad in a special clinic for drugs (but I read they also deal with disorders), and my initial reaction was, now he is gone foregood, instead of he is getting help and maybe he can be a father to his children again. I guess the current boyfriend has helped him, and I thank him for that, but I feel wasted, I was there in the hard times, I could have helped him there too, in my mind.


Do you think he will get better if he stays there and is committed. Will he think back about what we shared. He has made ammends towards old friends, but has kept me blocked from his life. I would have guessed if he was on the recovery, he would be able to deal with me again. I really not sure what I am asking here. I should be happy for him. Maybe I was selfish...

He is years away from a recovery that would make him a tolerable person. He cheated on you. He abused you emotionally. An abused victim feels like everything is their fault. You did nothing wrong except fell in love with a person who basically cares about himself. You enabled his behavior and used you. Don't be hard on yourself. In time you will realize that you don't want someone like this in your life.

[RecycledNoMore]

What about you?

When are you going to heal?

[Tolou]

Only time will tell.  If you truely do believe in God know that there is a reason this person came into your life.  Look at the positive aspects of the relationship, and learn from the negative as to not repeat these same mistakes again, with this person or another.  Sometimes part of healing and growing is moving forward in life.  People sometimes make choices that we do not like, or understand but we have to respect it for it is.  Unfortunately, they chose another path, and that was towards self-improvement.  Maybe, if this person did not meet you, they would not have decided to better themselves to begin with?

Waiting to see if this person returns can be very unhealthy for you.  In a way you have to grieve this loss, and move forward.  No, not right away, but small steps... . Like telling yourself what would life be like without them:?>  What would mylife be like if I met someone who I can be in healthy reciprocal adult realtionship with?  I can find this... . Look at the cup half full instead of half empty... . ?

[fiddlestix]

We should not feel selfish for enjoying taking care of someone.  Sure, we can be codependent and sometimes lose ourselves in another's needs.  But I believe we were created to be caring, compassionate people.  I try to be a spiritual person; taking care of others is a spiritual discipline. 

Sadly, if the person we are helping uses and manipulates our love and kindness it becomes like filling a tire with a nail in it.  Then it is time to extend kindness unto ourselves and detach.  This is also a spiritual discipline :-) 

Fiddlestix

[Hannibal Heyes]

All of you, thank you very much for the replies. You are right, when does the healing for myself begin, true. I really think I was able to live with him, the way things were.

The trouble of letting go is that chances are that he will become a public figure again in futue and I will see him on television. Thinking that was once my loved one. I want him to get better, and the place where he is, will probably do him good. I do believe in God, but sometimes find it cruel, how things worked out. I ahve to be good eprson to myself. I miss the little boy charme packed in that masculine beautiful person. But it's time to trespect the relationship he is currently in. At least he is trying to make things work. I just don;t understand why he doen;t react, just say, it's time for you to move on, or don't write to me again. It's okay, I have to work on myself.

Thanks for all the feedback, yiou are all amazing!

[Tolou]

His actions are speaking louder than any words he can tell you... . Maybe it is you who needs to coach yourself and move towards helping you.  He may become a public figure again, he may not, either way you tried and it did not work out, what else can you do other than accept that no matter how difficult it is!