It's so unfair - Waiting for Karma

[Popcorn71]

I can't stop thinking about the unfairness of my situation.

I spent 9 years with my exBPDh.  I can honestly say that I was a good, caring, faithful wife to him.  I put up with a lot from him and he had an easy life really, getting most of his own way most of the time.  I am a fairly easygoing person and I genuinely didn't mind goind along with a lot of what he wanted, even though quite a few people told me that they would never accept this from their husbands.

The only problem we had, or so he kept telling me, was my teenage son.  My son can be a handful and a bit of a pain but surely that is to be expected from any teenager.  Anyway, it eventually got to the stage where my ex was violent and nasty to my son.  He picked on everything he did or didn't do and tried to get me to choose between them.  He even resorted to saying vile things about what my son was supposedly doing each night in the bathroom!

To cut a long story short, my ex left and has blamed my son for everything.  Despite the fact that my ex had a new woman immediately which I believe was the real reason he left.

Anyway, I can't stop thinking about how unfair it is.  I was left heartbroken and depressed.  Even 5 months later I am still struggling to get over him leaving.  Life is getting better but I know I have a long way to go before I can consider another relationship if I ever feel like it at all.  But my ex doesn't appear to have been affected in any way.  He has just slotted this woman into my place and I heard today that he is buying a house so that she can move in with him.  She currently lives a 4 hour journey away and he has been going to see her most weekends when he wouldn't travel 2 miles to see me when we lived apart.

I keep thinking that something bad should happen to him.  After all he caused all the trouble.  I did my best for us, for our relationship and our life together, only to be dumped for this older unattractive woman who is everything he always said he didn't like.  It's not fair that I have all the grief while he is getting all the fun and a good life without a care in the world.

When I think about it logically, I can see that this is probably not the reality.  He is much older than me and we had planned our finances etc. so that he could retire in a couple of years.  Now he will have to work indefinately because he will probably have to take on a mortgage for the house.  We could have been very comfortable financially but now he will only have just enough to live on.  He is now with this woman who is nearer his own age and totally not his type or so he said.  From what I have heard most of his friends don't like her and don't want anything to do with her either but they all seemed to like me.  I also think this woman is with him for money and an easy life because she doesn't work and comes from a poor background.  I know he led her family to believe he was wealthy when we were together although it isn't true.  There is a good chance that she will leave him when she realises that he can't provide the lifestyle that she is probably expecting.  Maybe that is when Karma will happen?

Anyway, I am ranting now because thinking about it makes me so mad!  I was good to him and he treated me like dirt.  Yet he seems to have everything he wants.  It just isn't fair!  How can I stop this feeling?

[Happy1]

Popcorn, I empathize with you as well. My ex left me for someone she's been with now for over 20+ yrs. On both of their FB pages, they seem to have it all. Posting lovely pictures of themselves, their family, restored home, etc. The perfect life, really. I've kept up hope that she'd run out of lies, rope, err something and that she'd be brought back to reality, but it looks as if she's pretty much "nailed' the life she always told me she was wanting and skirted any consequences. It hurts, but I keep thinking, he's a limp noodle having to do whatever she tells him to do. He likely stuffs a lot of hurt and anger while not feeling as if he could ever leave after investing so much, not to mention all of that time. He's mentally shackled now. He probably wishes they were closer or more intimate more of the time than they likely are. Or, like there is a part of her he never has been able to really get to or to connect with, etc. He's likely endured at the minimum verbal abuse and witnessed weird pyscho behavior from her (crying spells out of no where, extreme anxiety, selfishness, etc.) and not known what the heck is going on, forcing himself to simply soothe her. He or she might have had affairs that either they've told each other about or hidden. He's probably been victimized, accused of false truths, or lied to tons. He's probably had to work long hours to maintain finances for her monetary exploits, etc. And from the looks of the pictures, he's put on about 50 lbs. and I'd pin him as a likely candidate for heavy alcohol consumption. Not to mention what he's had to pick up in terms of responsibilities to raise their kids over the years.

So, be angry. It's okay, but remember your mind (as with my mind) might be overplaying the "fantasy" of a really wonderful, picture perfect life a bit too. On the flip side, if it was all terrible and he wasn't getting something from the relationship he felt he needed, he'd have left years ago. So, do they "change" for the other person? I do think some BPDs, like this one, are like viruses, the goal is to infect and but not to kill their hosts.

Lastly, remember that know matter how happy your ex "appears" to be, at night when he's just about to nod off, when his psyche is at it's lowest state of defense, he still has to find a way to rationalize and unwind what a true creep of a human that he really is, before he puts on his "everything is wonderful" costume the next day. You, my dear, do not have to do that. And, what a price he cost you and others to achieve this apparent "happiness" by the way. A person like that is not worthy of your attention, love, or time. Do you really want or need to be around a person who is carrying all of that kind of "baggage" around? Find someone who will truly love you, and that you can love back.

[Popcorn71]

Thank you for your reply, Happy2.

Maybe one day I will feel that I can have the life I want with a loving partner.  However, at the moment that seems to be impossible.  I cannot ever imagine trusting or believing another man.  It was difficult to trust my 2nd ex husband due to the way in which my first marriage ended (possibly another BPD husband).  However, he managed to fool me for 9 long years then walked away without a care.  I could not put myself at risk of that happening again - with anyone.

[Conundrum]

What you are feeling is entirely normal. Most of us have felt the exact same feelings. Their moving on so fast isn't indicative of a substantive healthy persona, but is evidence of a disordered need to entirely define themselves via an attachment. The fact that you recognize that time and self-reflection are necessary during a major life-transition illustrates that you desire to grow and learn from life experiences. They never, or rarely do, and like Sisyphus are condemned to roll that boulder up this hill, constantly searching for the elusive love that was traumatically denied or ripped away from them as a young child. It is never about being in competition with them because their illness is among one of the worst crosses to bear. Even when we are lonely or depressed we are fortunate in comparison.  

[Happy1]

It is never about being in competition with them because their illness is among one of the worst crosses to bear. 

And, to Conundrum's point, I might add: You'll never be able to compete, they'll always "appear" to be happier and enjoying a more wondrous existence than just about anyone you'll ever know, including yourself.

In my experience, there's no end to what they'll do to others to achieve their own semblance of happiness.

[Happy1]

Popcorn,

A couple of more thoughts that might help you.

I spoke last week on another thread about my epiphany regarding my finally getting a true understand of "objectification" and my role related to my BPD. If you can wrap your head around the  concept, it might be helpful. In essence, to my BPD, I was nothing more than a mere object or pacifier for her when she need me. As were all of her other suitors. In fact, when we were breaking up, I said, "What about that one time when we were intimate and you said all those great things and we shared so deeply that moment and time together... . " She said, "I wasn't thinking of you I was only thinking XXX while I was with you... . (OUCH!)." Never were more true words spoken. It wasn't about ME at all, it was about HER being at an emotional low, and I was just the object or pacifier for that moment in time. It didn't matter to her how she got me to "open the door," but that A DOOR somewhere was open for her to exploit/manipulate/use. I was mere "window dressing" for her needs. She couldn't empathize, couldn't feel my pain, couldn't see any transgression, couldn't even acknowledge or rationalize that it was wrong. It just was, for HER.

When I began to pull away and make her rely on the gentleman who is now her husband (not recycle me) she got angry. In other words, I had boundaries and was protecting myself and she resented it immensely. How dare I!

Another clue to her "objectifying" me (and probably all others as I wrote in another post last week) was when I contest/protested her starting a new relationship with Mr. YYY, she said, "I'm going to have a relationship with him because it's what I want." I said, "What about me?" Her response was, "I want both of you, but differently. I want Mr. YYY over hear (two hands signaling to the left) and you over here (two hands signaling to the right)." Just as if we were both two dolls or something in her imaginary playhouse/world being positioned or something by her. My response was, "Who decides this?" She retorted (and this is classic), "I DECIDE, that who!".

Though it might be hard to feel so callously abused, it's really that simple. They need you when they needed you, for what they needed and now they're on to something new. Probably with less or no baggage (right now) and more wondrous and attractive of fit to whatever fantasy world they're mind has them living in. Kooky and definitely NOT normal, no matter how they portray it to the rest of the world, you still know and that now scares them to death. You've seen the other side and must be cast out, if not for a while.

Lastly, here, the very thing of happiness that you originally wrote about. Their projection of a wondrous world, that's the very thing that typically these days tips me off that I'm dealing with a BPD/NPD person. They tend to oversell the whole concept. Most people who've not dealt with people like this, typically miss that entirely and that's how the get away with being the kind of people they are. Sad, but true.

[Mazda]

What was I led to believe?

He had a dream job at a top software company, was handsome, charming, loving, caring, had a great family, lived a great life.  I was lucky to bag a guy like that! (Which is what the outside world thought too!)

Reality:

He had a decent job that made decent money.  He lived a hedonistic life, spending money on alcohol, cigarettes and weed freely, while his family who were dependent on him barely shopped in discount stores.  5 people lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment, where he was the only person who had his own room.  He drove a 1998 car that was falling apart and had no standard of living.  He was vain, self indulgent, selfish and a true narcissist.  His family led a deprived life while he was out partying but they idolized him because he paid the bills.  He wasn't charming, loving or caring when he was giving me the silent treatment or raging.  From the worst family I have ever come across, who are as morally corrupt as he is.

So really, appearances can be deceiving.  And with borderlines, they always are.  It's all an illusion, because that's all they can do.

[Popcorn71]

Happy2 - I think I get the idea of objectification.  It is just so difficult to accept that I meant nothing to him.

I did notice though, that he sold a van a while ago and he seemed to have more doubts about getting rid of that than ending our marriage!  For weeks after selling the van he questioned whether or not he had made the right decision, especially when his replacement vehicle turned out to be a dud.  I swear that if it had been possible to 'recycle' and get the van back he would have tried!  But he hasn't shown any doubt at all about getting rid of me.

Another comment that I thought strange was something he said a few days before he left.  He had been discussing our relationship with a friend and the friend asked him if he loved me.  He told me he had replied 'of course I do, she's my wife'.  I took this to mean that he only loved me because I was his wife and that was because it was expected of him.  So this would explain, that once he left, (in his mind I was no longer his wife at this point) he instantly stopped loving me because he no longer needed me as he had a new 'object'.

Conundrum - thanks for your reassurance that what I feel is normal.  Sometimes I think that I am far from normal after all this trouble.

Mazda - I get your point about things not always being as they appear.  I was conned by this man.  He led me (and people in general) to believe that he was well off financially with his own business.  He appeared to be popular with lots of friends.  He treated me and my children well for a while.  he made out he was a family man.

However, this soon changed.  He actually worked in a family business on an average wage and we only had a good lifestyle because of my contribution (but to the outside world it looked as though he was providing everything).  he knew lots of people but mostly through work and had very few friends.  The friends he had never stayed around long.  He was like a child at school, dipping in and out of the latest cool crowd.  He was also far from a family man and was actually very selfish wanting to spend his free time doing whatever he felt like doing with little regard to me and no consideration of my kids.  He actually went as far as making them feel in the way in their own home.

So, yes you are right, it was all an illusion.

I must keep reminding myself of this and realise that he is presenting an illusion now too.  The reality is that he is with a woman I believe he doesn't really want, she is just convenient.  He is going to buy a house when he didn't want another mortgage at his age.  He is going to live in a town that he always said he would hate to live in.  He is going to have to work for many more years when he was looking forward to retirement.  The friends he did have don't seem to want him now and his social life seems to have all but disappeared when he used to be out all the time.

So actually, his life doesn't look so rosy after all.  I feel better already!   

[Happy1]

So actually, his life doesn't look so rosy after all.  I feel better already!   

Popcorn,

And also remember, and this is HUGE, you can change and grow. He cannot. He's trapped in whatever situation he gets himself into, whether it be good (for now) or bad (as it will likely someday end up to be). You have the power to heal, fix yourself, and to move along. He only can find others to help him feel or appear normal. Now, that is sad if you think of it. Plus, he'll never understand the pure joy of giving unconditionally to another person. He's simply not capable of having the emotions NONs have. It's not their in his "hardwiring" my girl. Remember, that!

[santa]

Karma is going to be when my ex finds herself in some legal trouble and I take our daughter. She gets arrested pretty often, so it's only a matter of time. I'm not going to show her or her stupid family any mercy once the tables are turned.