So What DO They Want To Hear ?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have read many many posts on this forum about how we non's can say certain things to pwBPD that can cause them to "Trigger"

So what do they want to hear from us?  Can we ever say things that can induce a calming and reassuring  effect on them.

[Willingtolearn]

I have read many many posts on this forum about how we non's can say certain things to pwBPD that can cause them to "Trigger"

So what do they want to hear from us?  Can we ever say things that can induce a calming and reassuring  effect on them.

[arn131arn]

I have read many many posts on this forum about how we non's can say certain things to pwBPD that can cause them to "Trigger"

So what do they want to hear from us?  Can we ever say things that can induce a calming and reassuring  effect on them.

I tried everything for 14 years... . sincerity, peaceful, loving, understanding, compassion, patience, sarcasm, raging, yelling, screaming, verbal abuse, nothing... . not anything ever worked for me... . nothing!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Willing,

You raise a great question.  Part of the problem, at the outset, is that it is difficult to predict what will "trigger" a pwBPD because it's a moving target, which in my view is why we Nons end up walking on eggshells, unsure where the next land mine is located.  I would also add that, once a pwBPD is "triggered," its too late for reassurance.  Nothing really works except time, in my experience, when a pwBPD gets in a disordered/unregulated state.  Having said all of that, I would say that validation is the best approach, because those wBPD want desperately to be understood and appreciated, yet sometimes will resent you for trying to reassure them.  I know it doesn't make sense, but to me that's part of the odd dynamic of BPD.

Lucky Jim

[santa]

Basically they just want to hear that they're a genius and that they know better than you about everything. They want to know that when they say "jump", you'll say "how high?"

If you don't act like that, then there's going to be a problem.

[myself]

They want to hear it's not their fault.

That you can take away their pain.

That no matter what, they will be safe with you.

Even if you say everything they want to hear, the good times won't last.

They turn against it because they can not trust anyone.

When they hurt, whoever is close is going to hurt.

I don't think they really hear anything from us.

They can only hear themselves.

Which they run from every chance they get.

[seeking balance]

I have read many many posts on this forum about how we non's can say certain things to pwBPD that can cause them to "Trigger"

It is mental illness - WE are the trigger, our very presence - our REAL or PERCEIVED abandonment... . ummm, there is no magic pill to not trigger once we are intimate and have the potential to hurt them in their own mentally ill mind... . it is mental illness, honestly.  You wouldn't expect a cancer patient not puke after chemo if the chemo is what is making them sick, right?

So what do they want to hear from us?  Can we ever say things that can induce a calming and reassuring  effect on them.

Absolutely, this you can do - but it takes skills, patience and a very strong sense of your own self.

pwBPD need validation of their emotions, whether you agree or not... . it is validating the emotions and giving them the space to work through it using their own tools - this is what DBT is all about - giving a pwBPD a functional tool belt for coping rather than a maladaptive tool belt.

SET and DEARMAN work beautifully when used... . however, most nons do not practice this and have way to many wounds to not take things personally.

[Lucky Jim]

myself: Wow, you summed that up well.  Thanks, LJ

[Madison66]

During the last year of the r/s, we took a second attempt at couples T.  I unfortunately was so deep in FOG, didn't understand the PD or the abuse I was enduring.  The poor T didn't know what was coming and I don't think had any experience with PD's.  I think I was burned out and just didn't have much empathy or compassion left for the person who was abusing me.  My ex would rewrite history, rationalize and then play victim.  I'd just get pissed off.  The T had us start reading "The High Conflict Couple".  The big message to me was to understand her triggers and not to make things worse.  Do a lot of validating.  Some others here may have gotten more out of this, but I couldn't participate and basically live a lie.  No matter what I'd do in this r/s, I could never find true love and fulfillment.  It took a couple recycles after that to really pound that point into my skull!

[seeking balance]

  The T had us start reading "The High Conflict Couple".  The big message to me was to understand her triggers and not to make things worse.  Do a lot of validating. 

I wasn't so good at living in that world either in my marriage, I can tolerate family or superficial friends because I don't have the same requirements - my expectations are realistic in those relationships.

However, willingtolearns question was is there something we can do - and yes, there is - but willing to do it, that is entirely different thread on PI   

[Madison66]

I totally agree and for me it was probably to dial down my expectations.  Then, maybe I could have done and said more or less to remain in the r/s.  I just couldn't do that and be my true self.  No judgement against others that can do it... .

[myself]

is there something we can do - and yes, there is - but willing to do it, that is entirely different thread

The staying and undecided boards are full of people who have tried or are still trying to do something. How many success stories are there? How often, even for those who do everything, does it work? Not just for a few moments. A healthy relationship. There is a Leaving board because there is very rarely ever a way through this.

I was willing. I read every Suggested Reading, link, and Lesson here. Validated. Meditated. Went deep with therapy, to become a better person and partner. PwBPD have so many walls up you're not sure who's in there or what they want, and you can easily lose yourself within the maze. BPD may be an alternate reality.

[MrFox]

They want to hear whatever you aren't saying.  At least that's what it feels like most of the time.

[Notthesame64]

I'm afraid to say anything because I know... . as soon as I open my mouth, everything I say is going to be translated into some twisted and bizarre language that flexuates  between self loathing, accusations, selective memory,  contradictions, projections, blaming, negativity and using past fights, intimate discussions and his very own lies against me.    So I learned after 6 yrs... . why put myself through that? All that drama? All that stress and anxiety?

I'm still working on that sadly to admit.

[Ironmanrises]

The triggering is the inevitable outcome once closeness/intimacy ramps up as soon as the honeymoon/idealization phase reaches a plateau. There is no way around that. That is how all relationships progress; with a pwBPD, that is the death knell of the relationship. Their other side is summoned. The cruel, vindicative, stranger that hates you, and you only. What they want to hear is irrelevant. Pre-trigger and post-trigger. The result will be the same. Devaluation. And discard.

[santa]

I'm afraid to say anything because I know... . as soon as I open my mouth, everything I say is going to be translated into some twisted and bizarre language that flexuates  between self loathing, accusations, selective memory,  contradictions, projections, blaming, negativity and using past fights, intimate discussions and his very own lies against me.    So I learned after 6 yrs... . why put myself through that? All that drama? All that stress and anxiety?

I'm still working on that sadly to admit.

Amen, dude. This is exactly what it's like.

[bpdspell]

There are no magic words that will quell the toxic blueprint that gnaws at the bottomless pit of their BPD souls. They are disordered and severely mentally ill and we need to accept that because there are no words that can placate them once the mask is dropped when idealization is over.

I treated my ex like a King and even fetched his slippers. Didn't matter cause being  nice to them in word and deed won't make them be nice to you. Those aren't the rules of engagement. They hate themselves and they absolutely need company for their misery joyride.

They want us to be unfeeling object fantasy rescuers and parent replacements which is why their relationships are doomed to implode cause there's no such relationship that exists.

Spell

[Moonie75]

"Make a wish, and it shall be granted"

That's what bid want to hear if I suffered from borderline personality disorder!